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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    I throw grapefruits at a gunner until I decide that my attack is doing nothing. So, I switch to a grenade. It isn't any old grenade though. Explosions, while awesome, are too cliche. Now, I'm sure at least half of you can guess what kind of grenade I threw. (For those of you still lost, here is a hint: Gay Meadow Grenade).

    Many of you will also recall that I have a long standing grudge against gay meadows, and that I traditionally use fire to destroy it. This time I will do something completely different. I skip through the meadow with a stupid expression on my face while butterflies fly by my side and unicorns graze in the grass nearby. The gunner is so confused by what he sees that as he turns around and walks away, he realizes that he just walked into one of my field hospitals with a coupon for free double amputations.

    They fall for that every time.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    Quote from BioShock_Rules

    I'm not sure... are you voting for removal of an item, or is that last line just a joke?


    Its just a joke, though it is unlikely that I need any sanity anymore. The debate that I ever had it remains unsettled though,

    Anyway, I tell the sniper's mother that he has been very, very naughty. Unfortunately, this doesn't do anything so I then inform law enforcement. He is charged with being a bad guy.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    I like how I sound a bit like the Doctor sometimes, except with a far more sadistic attitude.

    Anyway, I pull a ridiculously large needle out of my pocket (its smaller on the outside) and I point it at the juggernaut.

    "Who wants tuberculosis?" I scream excitedly as I charge forward to inject the bacteria into his unmentionables.

    Also, I'd like to vote for the removal of my sanity. I'm out of retirement so I don't need it anymore.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    Quote from Knight3165

    And the whole time i thought the guy you were describing was gonna be you.. xD
    Welcome back, comrade! :D


    Ah, no. I have no idea who that guy is to be perfectly honest or why my chair fell on him and not one of the bad guys.

    And it is good to be back. Thanks for all the warm welcomes! Though something tells me the Cordis Die are none too pleased that I have returned.

    Also, someone mentioned that I must be wanted throughout the universe. The truth is, I am a wanted man on 87 planets spread across 3.5 universes as well as the entirety of 2 more universes (seriously, just one step into either of those 2 universes and the universe itself would clap me in irons). For your information, I am NOT a wanted man on Earth....yet, which quite confuses me. Also, the combined bounty on my head equals i exactly. Its weird how the math works out.

    Before I forget, I am also wanted by several major religions. Hades had a toothache so he sought my help. Unfortunately, I may or may not have removed one of his nuts.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    "Well?" I ask the assembled heroes once again.

    "Why have you been messing with my hospitals? After all I have done for you, and all the threats I have delivered, you would remove that which I hold most dear after Monty Python?" (Honestly, I could care less about the field hospitals. I'm actually pleasantly surprised they remained in game so long after my absence).

    The Dragon Tank interrupts my questioning and I am forced to deal with the troublesome machine in the only way I know how.

    To spectators, I looked like nothing more than a blur as I construct a series of buildings within the cellblock. After only 3 seconds, the entire project is done. Fear showed in the eyes of everyone who recognized what it is that I have built, yet the machine cannot feel fear, which means it won't run away as I introduce it to my Mandatory Medical Care policy.

    My cellblock Field Hospital is the newest of all my creations. Staff there are capable of amputations with stone tools and all surgeries are performed with explosive assistance. Furthermore, all bandages are soaked in a very salty solution to ensure that an injury will not be infected. All of this is done with a money back guarantee. If you aren't in unbearable pain by the end of your procedures, we'll give you a full refund.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    A long time ago (3 seconds ago really....) and in a galaxy far, far away, there was a man who poured himself a cup of tea. The universe shuddered at this action, because why not. This man was the most evil being time has ever seen, but somehow he remains tethered to a miniscule amount of sanity to actually help the forces of good triumph. I know, its complicated...Nonetheless, he imbues his every action with hatred of goats and he unleashes terrifying terror upon all who stand before him. This was all quite some time ago as he is happily retired on an unsuspecting planet (Earth) and drinking tea.

    Today was different though, since it was today that his mother-in-law was visiting. Whats odd is that he never married, but then again, he is capable of breaking the laws of physics at will so anything else seems trivial in comparison. In preparation for the visit, the man ran around in circles screaming a half dozen times and breaking a vase in the process (No, it did not hit the floor. It hit the wall 2 football fields away. Yes, he ran THAT fast. Yes, his house is that big. No, he didn't have bacon for breakfast).

    When at last he gathered his senses, a plan gathered within his mind. A plan so sinister that I will not tell you what it was.

    -- 6 Minutes Later --

    In the man's living room, there now stood a portal constructed of PVC piping, Duct tape, rubber ducks, and sonic screws. The man was tightening the last of these screws with his handy sonic screwdriver that cannot do anything else except tighten sonic screws. To be honest, normal screws would have worked just as well, if not better. He gathered up his things and stepped through the portal.

    I'm going to take a moment and tell you what he was carrying, just in case I forget to later.

    The man had: extra rubber ducks, doctor's kit (or torture kit, either one), flashlight, Excalibur, The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus Set, a Tank (specifically a King Tiger, full size and working), a field hospital set up kit, and a towel.

    Now, the man passes through the portal and for a brief moment, he is everywhere in the universe at once. Fortunately, as powerful as he is, it is still not enough to crack the universe. However, the universe still cracks (because SOMEONE had to say some really bad one-liners) and the man is dropped off in a closet with only his trusty King Tiger.

    Coincidentally, this closet is also on Earth, specifically in the United Kingdom, in a prison, in Cell Block B, behind the door that the Cordis Die Assasin is standing in front of.

    The man hears the sounds of combat and decides only one thing can be done, he drives the tank through the wall and onto the battlefield. Once through the wall, he points the main cannon at the Cordis Die Assassin. The Assassin is frozen with fear, but the gun never roars. Instead, the man just runs the Assassin over….several times….over the period of 10 seconds.

    Then for no apparent reason, the tank explodes and large chunks land upon the already flattened Assassin. The man walks dramatically towards his allies and is about to speak when he is suddenly flattened by a comfortable chair that fell out of the sky. Sitting in the chair is a well dressed individual with a familiar face reading today's paper and drinking a nice cup of tea.

    He lowers the paper and glances quickly at the scene around him.

    “Ok, who the hell cracked the universe with those one-liners?!?!”

    He pauses,

    “And why have you been messing with my Field Hospitals!?”
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    I take out a violin and I begin to play the saddest tune in the world to a gunner. I'm playing the sad tune because he will not live much longer, so I'll respect him now so that I can murder him later.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    Quote from TT2000

    Just call it an acceptable break from reality.

    Since when do I not break reality?
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Fortress Defenders: The Zombie Apocalypse
    I play rock paper scissors with the Elite Common Infected, and every time I lose, he blows up for absolutely no reason. If I win, he still blows up.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    While it is true that 90% of patients at my field hospitals are deaf (or is it dead.....I get those two statistics mixed up all the time), I find it odd that such a condition would prevent a patient from being healed. But I'm not complaining, because someone did my job and created a start up kit for my field hospitals and probably found some random book to use as the instruction manual. Its unlikely I will ever need it because I can make a field hospital out of twigs.

    By the way, if you hear the annihilator screaming, it is totally normal. I'm just giving him emergency surgery to remove this unsightly mass that appears to work like a pump. The situation is entirely under control.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Fortress Defenders: The Zombie Apocalypse
    I grab a stick of dynamite and throw it at the Smoker, except I forgot to light the fuse. So I throw an extremely unstable 2000 lb bomb at him to compensate.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    I give the master gunner some blood. I forgot to warn him that the blood is contaminated with the Ebola Virus. Oh well...
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Fortress Defenders: The Zombie Apocalypse
    I revoke the Cult Healer's medical license. He then falls to his knees after a very large chunk of flesh was quickly and violently removed from his midsection by a very fast moving projectile.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders 2: Numbers
    Remember my Vent 3 Hospital? It was closed down recently due to not meeting Lisharon Inc standards, so I open up another one in this tunnel! We offer only the worst spam in the world and the finest amputations around! Honestly, do you see any other businesses doing any amputations around here? No? Good, because we offer the finest ones!

    Also, we have some Daleks coming in the next few days to be consultants at this facility. So if one of the slayers would kindly wait in the waiting room, we can offer more services to him. Our waiting room is actually quite comfortable in that our customers are free to lie down on any of the racks available. If there is a skeleton, we ask that you kindly push the bones to the floor. Our only condition is, the racks must be used PROPERLY.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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    posted a message on Fortress Defenders: The Zombie Apocalypse
    I vote attack as I bake some cookies (out of uranium of course!) for the zombies.
    Posted in: Forum Games
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