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    posted a message on Rise of the Coalition | That's all she wrote.

    I enter stasis.

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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders: Retribution | Assassinating the assassin

    I hop into a stasis pod.

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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders: Retribution | Assassinating the assassin

    My worst fears are realized as three red-robed gentlemen leap onto the battlefield and confront the field commander, who naturally did not expect their arrival. They ask him if he knows the way of our Lord.


    At this time, I receive a call from my friend from earlier. He tells me that the seismemeograph monitoring the dimensional hole near my farm suggests considerable seismemic activity on the other side. Mathamemeticians on the scene believe someone on the other side became supercharged with memes. In fact, a dangerous gammeme-ray burst came through the rift not too long ago. He advises me to stay on my guard.


    Wait. A gammeme-ray burst in this dimension?


    Does the commander know the way of our Lord...


    Do you know the way?


    I realize that the three red-robed figures are not the cardinals I know, but rather collections of Ugandan Knuckles that have clung together to take human form! The January memes burst into their original bodies and fling themselves at the field commander in a flurry of furious tongue-clicking. The exposure to January-wavelength gammeme radiation causes the spaghetti to fall out of the commander's pockets. The Knuckles stomp all over it. Somebody toucha his spaghet!


    The concentration of meme magic now in the commander's immediate vicinity is enough to crush the sanity of any normal human. I can only watch in horror as the memes run amok.

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    posted a message on Rise of the Coalition | That's all she wrote.

    I try to remember what the Dry Baby does as I reload my gun. I take the baby out of my pocket and examine it. The Vault Guardian realizes that I've been carrying around a baby in my pocket, and suddenly remembers that it hasn't seen its daughter since she went to school this morning. At this moment, it is struck by Gold's Rushdown Soul Spear, and the force of the blow convinces it that the baby I'm holding is in fact its daughter whose age has been reduced through some human wizardry. This prompts considerable stress in the guardian, which is bad for its health.

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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders: Retribution | Assassinating the assassin

    Seeing Bio go down only worsens my panic. I can practically smell the field hospital personnel rushing to the battlefield now that one of us has gone down. I dash over to my wounded comrade and stuff an apple in his mouth in a desperate attempt to keep the doctors away.


    "You gotta get up, man! You know what happens when we get injured! They're coming, man, they're coming!"


    As he certainly realizes what I'm talking about, the adrenaline caused by the epiphany encourages him to ignore the pain and keep fighting, if only to avoid treatment.

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    posted a message on Rise of the Coalition | That's all she wrote.

    He may have gotten most of my abilities, but he didn't get the one that matters! No longer blind, I can strike freely with my ultimate bullet that does all the work for me masterful technique! I use Lv.10 Fist of Silence EX that I learned in the dream to propel myself into the air, the ground below me bursting into a delicious chocolate splatter. In the air, I normally wouldn't be able to stabilize my shot. However, my experience with the SSG 08 has taught me that at the very peak of my jump will afford me perfect accuracy. For the briefest of moments, my velocity is zero - and I take the shot at the vault guardian.

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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders: Retribution | Assassinating the assassin

    Shrapnel! My only weakness! As my health bar lowers, haunting images from the past come back to me. Medical personnel. Hastily assembled, poorly cleaned supplies. A casualty rate to rival the America Civil war. Three men... dressed completely in red.


    I snap as the memories come flooding back. I'm not going back. I can never go back! Screaming incomprehensibly, I pick up a fallen street lamp, infuse it with forbidden magic power, and strike the commander with a flying overhead slam.

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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders: Retribution | Assassinating the assassin

    "Aha! But the joke is on you, field commander! You've led us directly to more supplies!" I cackle and bust open the storage crate. Not only did this guy forget to install Maximum Overdrive, he's even given us equipment. Truly, a rookie among rookies.

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    posted a message on Rise of the Coalition | That's all she wrote.

    Still blind, I decide to learn to live with my disability by becoming a monk in Neo Tibet. Neo Tibet is, of course, in possession of the latest model of the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, where I train for a decade in the span of a second before stepping right back out. Having achieved level 100 one-handed, two-handed, and block skills, I return to the battlefield. Though my body hasn't healed, my soul is stronger than ever.


    Then one of the enemies tells me this is all a dream. I don't believe him, so I hit him with Lv.10 Fist of Silence EX and explode him into melted chocolate. Suddenly, I realize that I was able to see him, despite that my blindness hasn't been healed. This is, in fact, a dream. Yawning, I wake up from my poorly-timed nap feeling refreshed. Now that I've rested, I pick up my rifle and wait for the debuff to disappear so I can blast somebody into next week.

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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders: Retribution | Assassinating the assassin

    I receive a call from a friend back home. He informs me that first, nothing happened to the items I interacted with last turn, and second, someone cratered my chicken ranch with an illegal high jump kick that destroyed half my chicken population. He has also arranged for an airdrop of the chicken's remains, as per the custom of his people. The magic remains of the stomped chickens land on Miner, resulting in a beneficial medical effect.

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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders: Retribution | Assassinating the assassin

    With all three enemies spiked, I open the storage container and grab the research schematic, hoping to pocket them successfully before one of the enemies gets upset and hands Mew2King his controller so that we'll all get spiked off the dock like the subpar Smash players we are.

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    posted a message on Rise of the Coalition | That's all she wrote.

    Blindness! My only weakness! So as not to waste my special round, I attempt to execute a flying jump kick on the ruin core. However, because I'm blind, I miss, and I end up instead flying jump-kicking through a dimensional rift left by my earlier chicken dance. I end up on a ranch filled with the special chickens I summoned, and my epic flying jump kick results in a massive crater that obliterates half the ranch's chicken population, healing me accordingly. Unfortunately, flying jump kicks are illegal in this world thanks to an overlooked rider on the Dairy Act of the 78th year of the Porcine Period. A member of the Heifer Police attempts to subdue me, but unfortunately his handcuffs are out of ammunition. Because his handcuffs are Cinnamon rarity, his attempt to arrest me triggers their second effect, which reopens the dimensional rift and lands us both back in the real world. The officer's biology is not cut out for this world, so he turns into a healing vapor that I inadvertently inhale. I search blindly for a few seconds and find the handcuffs, storing them safely for use in another post.

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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders: Retribution | Assassinating the assassin

    I choose ATK up, crack open the storage crate, and check the stats on the Shotgun.

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    posted a message on Rise of the Coalition | That's all she wrote.

    I fire at the weakest ruin core and load my Dynamite with a Laser Beam round.

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    posted a message on Outpost Defenders: Retribution | Assassinating the assassin

    I equip my new unique title, The Sorrow. One of the gunners asks me how I received it. That was his mistake.


    "You're probably wondering why I alone would receive such a title. But to answer that, we need to talk about parallel universes."


    I proceed to explain everything about all the other forum games I've been a part of, as well as the astrophysics that makes travel between them possible. Soon, my speech begins to sound like unintelligible moon runes. The gunner races to put on his tinfoil hat before realizing he left it on the counter at home before commuting to work today. Believing his mind to be permanently altered by aliens, he falls to his knees and cries.

    Posted in: Forum Games
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