While looking around at lulu, a site which allows for independent publishing, I noticed that there is, in fact, an actual published Minecraft fanfic. And it was...flawed.
Important:
Now, the fanfic itself was never actually shown in the forums, and the writer himself isn't registered on the forums either. Apparently it also has very few buys, so I do not think that I will be offending the writer, the story, or it's tiny fanbase by posting it here. This will be done as a constructive criticism, but I think that there will be parts of the story which I will only be able to get through aggressively. You are going to see why. As far as I know this is ok by the rules as long as it doesn't offend anyone.
HOWEVER!
If I find that my deconstruction offends anyone here, or the writer/fanbase of this story is present on the forums, I WILL delete everything in this post and ask a moderator to delete. I am writing this deconstruction not to offend anyone, but to entertain, and tell a lesson.
Anyways, the deconstruction critique will go like this: I will bring out quotes from the book that have mistakes/flaws and comment on them. That way I can actually bring out an example from the story, and post my opinion on it. I will also briefly summarize what happened in between the quotes. Finally, at the end of the chapter I will provide a brief summary of events (believe me, with the way this book is written you just need it). Sorry if I will make any mistakes during this, as English is my 3rd language and I am of Russian descent; feel free to point any mistakes I make out in the comment section!
Feel free to talk about the story or my critique in the comment section.
ALSO, a user GoombaGeek3 made an AMAZING thread where he deals with the same story but in a different way by rewriting it in what is essentially a self mockery. I HIGHLY recommend you to first read this thread(to understand the context of the story, get what's wrong with it as well as enjoy my jokes/insults) and then head on over to: http://www.minecraft...tty-fanfiction/ and read Goomba's awesome thread.
Alright, so let's start.
First of all, before I go into the book itself, the format of the book is...funny. There 51 pages in there, which is understandable for a novella, but what is not is the fact that the book is hard covered. 51 pages hard-covered? Really?
Another flaw with it is the price. Sixteen dollars for a 51-page book of questionable quality.
On the cover of the book, we also clearly see several CRIMES present: The Minecraft Logo, and the Minecraft title itself are both present on the cover. If this person really didn't ask Mojang about publishing his fanfiction(which I am sure he didn't), then he is pretty much breaking the law by not providing a disclaimer, saying that these symbols and minecraft itself is an intellectual property of Mojang.
Into the story itself:
Minecraft: My Story. My Life.
Prologue
It was a cold winter morning, brought by Mother Nature-pg.1
Well, you know something is up when you your eyebrows rise after the first sentence of the book. Yes, we know that nature brings seasons. No need to tell us that. The writer could've focused on the snow or something else instead.
The warmth of the sun’s rays, shining down upon the village of forsakenness.-pg.1
1. This sentence doesn't make sense! I think it may have made sense if he would used the semi colon, but he didn't, so now we have an awkward sentence.
2.This sentence contradicts the other. So, is it a cold winter day or a warm sunny day? (it is worth mentioning that these paragraphs are the only ones describing this weather in the whole book, so after the prologue it magically turns to sunny spring. Magically.)
3.Forsakenness? It's not a word. Very akward sentence.
Under a veil of darkness I
tremble, wondering if I might survive the onslaught of these killing creatures.-pg.1
Which "these creatures"? And I thought you said it was sunny outside.
In
my quaint shelter I created from cobblestone, a fearless fortress with the century’s
highest standards in protection.-pg.1
Again, should have put a semicolon. And how is anything created from cobblestone suppose to be quaint? You are living in the walls of BROKEN ROCK.
So, is there some kind of standard for fortresses that you have to follow every century? Or did this fortress survive for a century?
Yet, even knowing this, I still felt unsafe… And
then the next thing I knew, I saw a green figure hissing and moving towards me,
and it exploded, knocking me out cold.
Where are you, exactly? Are you inside a dark fortress? Because in this whole prologue you talked about a village (which won't be mentioned anywhere else in the story) and didn't even DESCRIBE YOUR LOCATION.
-So, the main character got exploded by a creeper and got knocked out. Nothing much to say about that.
Chapter I: An Awakening of the
Creatures
Oooh, exciting.
When I awoke, I saw another man, human.-pg.2
ERM.
Sorry, but have you ever heard anyone say "I saw a human man?"
-after this, the main character, Reye, talks casually with some guy named Rick who was also in a creeper attack. Rick tells him about the creepers. Another person, Aaron, joins in and they start yapping about useless things(during this WHOLE conversation, the author didn't bother to put A SINGLE WORD in to explain the surroundings, so from now on these guys are floating in the middle of space talking to each-other"-
“Great! Now where’s my armor…? Aha! Found it!”-pg.2
So, Rick just took out a full set of steel armour out of his ass.
...
Ok.
I then
commented “That’s some impressive armor, all I had at
my base was steel. I had been meaning to make some
diamond armor, but forgot.”-pg.2
...Does this dialogue even pretend to make sense? *ALL* you had in your base was steel, and it is somehow worse than the exact same suite of armour made by Rick? And he just mentioned that he had diamond, so what the hell? Is the main character teasing Rick or something?
"Where is you’re base at?” I told him “Just
over that hill.” I pointed north.-pg.2
Wait, don't tell me this Reye never even noticed there were people living "just over that hill" from him, because that's just
-In this chapter, Reye wakes up in the hospitality of two men, and they decide to go back to Reye's base to pick up some diamonds. Ok. Also, this book doesn't actually have paragraphs, it's all a big wall of text. It doesn't have proper dialogue, either.
Chapter II: Taking Back what’s ours
Waaaaaaait a second... the chapters are going to have Roman numbering? WHY? I can count people I know who can count to 10 on Roman numbering by the fingers of my single hand!
Here at
this tiny base we would be unprotected with little to
no materials.-pg.3
...
SO TELL US HOW THE BASE LOOKS THEN! RIGHT NOW I JUST SEE BLANK SPACE WITH CHARACTERS WALKING AROUND.
-Basically, Rick tells Reye that tomorrow they will clear out his base of monsters and take back his supplies. And that's it. There isn't much content in this chapter, at all.
Chapter III: The Journey
What journey? You are just planning to cross a tiny hill!
As we left Rick asked “Ok, Reye, you said that your
base was just over the hill north of here. So, that is
where we’ll go.-pg.2”
...
What the...
...
Ok. Let's take this...calmly.
That was a statement. It was NOT not NOT not NOT a QUESTION. So why the hell did the writer write "Rick ASKED"?
As for the other part of it, WHY THE HELL DID RICK EVEN SAY THAT?
It's REYE'S BASE. HE KNOWS IT'S LOCATION PERFECTLY. Have you ever walked with a friend in a perfectly familiar neighborhood who said "You house is around the corner"?
Just then, out a cave to our right, a
zombie rushed out and knocked out Rick and Aaron.-pg.Idon'tcare
Wut. The ****.
-ok so he kills the zombeh and runs to his friends.-
I then realized that they were not
wearing any armor. This was because they gave it to me,
as I was still weakened from my encounter yesterday.
...
0_o
Could you, IN ANY WAY, please take a second of your ****ing time and actually tell us that? But, more importantly, HOW THE HELL DOES ARMOUR SUPPOSE TO PROTECT YOU FROM FEELING WEAK?
If you die you re-spawn
So they are dead? HOW? YOU JUST SAID THEY WERE KNOCKED OUT?
-So, Reye decides to go for his base himself-
-In this chapter Reye, Rick, and Aaron decide to get to Reye's base, but Rick and Aaron get killed.
Now, after this chapter, the book is practically a drop down a bottomless pit. It gets worse as it goes on from this point on.
Chapter IV: Creeptopolis
Oh dear.
Ok, listen up guys. Creeptopolis was a location from the father of all GOOD minecraft fanfiction: Diary of a Creeper. Let's just cross our fingers and hope that it will not be a total rip-off.
-Basically, Reye sees his base over-run by creepers.-
I heard footsteps behind me, and thought it
was Rick. But it was a Creeper.
...
Minecraft Lore Protip: Creepers don't make sounds. Why? Because they creep.
THEY CREEP BECAUSE THEY ARE CREEPERS.
CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPERS!!!!
THEY ARE CREEEEEEEEPEEEEEEERS GOD DARNIT!!!
-so, Reye tries to run but trips over, and realizes that the creeper doesn't explode.
I began to ponder why. I pondered this spectacle of nature.
Yeah. This interests me. I will go ahead and stand in a front of this....frigging creeper and ponder about this situation.
A piece of my diamonds was glowing brightly. It
then occurred to me. Was it possible that diamonds do
not allow Creepers to explode?
Mother fu...
Ok, he is ripping of Diary of a Creeper.
Cyber's drinking game: Take a shot of liquid of choice every single time this guy rips off Diary of a Creeper!
Wait a second...the diamonds. I thought he went to his own base to pick up the diamonds. He didn't have any before, because if he WOULD, the creeper wouldn't EXPLODE and he WOULDN'T NEED to go to his own BASE to pick up the ****ing DIAMONDS that he had IN HIS GODDARNED POCKET!
Ok, let me think about it...maybe, during an explosion, Reye was knocked into his storage room, in which a diamond slipped into his pocket, and he somehow triggered a TnT, which propelled him into space, in which he got captured by aliens, which then spontaneously combusted, blasted the ship, and teleported Skye to a clearing where he was found by Rick and Aaron.
That makes sense now.
But it doesn't. You know why?
BECAUSE THIS
BOOK
SUCKS!!!
-anyway, Reye followed the creeper into his former base-
I saw
an older looking Creeper standing in the entrance of my
base. I assumed that he was he was the leader of the
Creepers.
Take a shot.
-so, Reye finds a creeper that doesn't explode because of Reye's diamonds. He follows the creeper into his former base.-
Chapter V: Acceptance
Alright, let's do this.
The creeper introduced himself. “Hello, I
am the Creeper elder. Who are you?”
Creepers can talk.
...
Take a shot.
-the elder of the creepahz casually tells Reye that he was watching him build the fortress, and they now occupied it because they have nowhere to live. Reye doesn't seem to care that there are essentially hundreds of walking sticks of Dynamite shitting around his huge castle.-
But alas, it is
not as beautiful as Creeptopolis, our old city.
Creeptopolis was the most luxurious place for a
Creeper. You could anything there. But one day a group
of vile humans, with whom I am aware you are
unassociated with, came along and began violently
destroying our city.
Take three shots and move on.
Come, you look as if you need rest.
Tomorrow you will be introduced to the rest of the
elders.
Reye just had breakfast.
-so, next day Reye woke up and met up with the Creeper Elder again-
I trust you slept
well. Follow me.” We went out of my base and walked for
about fifteen minutes until reaching an incredible
structure made of gold blocks.
...
SO YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT
IN ALL THESE YEARS
REYE NEVER SAW A GIGANTIC ****ING PILLAR MADE OF GOLD?!?!?!?
RIGHT BESIDE HIS DAMN HOUSE?!?!?!
UUUUUAAAAAAGHGHGHGHHGHGHG
-The creeper elder ascends a GIANT STAIRCASE LEADING TO THE FRIGGING SKY and Reye RYE RAIEY ROIEYU follows him into the creeper-dream city. Also, take a shot-
From what I saw,
there was a city square, and paths, leading to a
village of small homes.
You know, this is probably the best description in this whole book. It is matched by another one, but it's near the end of the story, and it is a description of a certain part of a woman's body. (don't worry, it's so mild is pitiful)
-the elder guides Reye to the house with the elders-
When I entered all the elders gasped.
The skeleton elder then shouted angrily “Who is thisthis…
cretin!?”
Jesus, take a shot!
The elder replied “Silence Bones! He
is a friend.”
...
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
D-damn, you gotta be kidding me...
“Um, may I explain?” I took my
diamond out of my pack. “This stone is called a
diamond, and I don’t know how, but it keeps Creepers
from exploding.”
YEP! Take a shot!
The zombie elder then said “Uh, shiny
rock good, uh!”
"UGH, SHITTY BOOK BAD, UGH!!!!"
-and that's it. The chapter ends with that. It ends with a zombie saying UH SHINY ROCK GOOD OH.
I repeat.
It ends with a zombie.
Saying "UH SHINY ROCK GOOD UH"
...
Just...don't let that sink in.
Oh, how could I forget:
TAKE A SHOOOOOOOOOT!!!
-In this chapter we find out about the Creeper city that was damaged by humans. It forced creepers to flee and get into Reyiayius' personal space. Reyeauisdude travels with the Elder Creeper to their old city which is being slowly reconstructed, and is trying to get their trust.
Chapter VI : Truth and Reconciliation
I pop in some Blind Guardian: "Battlefield" and I'm at it again.
IT CANNOT BE SEEN YET THERE'S BLOOD ON THE GREEN!
Sorry.
The Creeper elder seemed disappointed in the rest
of the elders. This made me happy, because I felt that
this would allow me to be accepted.
Erm, no. If they are all elders, it is safe to guess that they take the same position as the creeper elder. Thus, majority can outweigh the minority. So unless you do something, Reye, you won't be easily accepted.
-he decides to help the society of the mobs by making better CHAIRS for the elders...don't think about it too hard-
Bones then commented “My, these chairs are very
comfortable. I can’t remember the last time I had a
chair this nice.” “You’re welcome.”
Ok, wha-
Either the skeleton is teasing Reye(in that case, he is my favorite skeleton) either he is mentally ****ed up.
You are a skeleton, and I can imagine that you do not give a turd-nugget covered in vomit about comfort. He should barely be able to bend over enough to sit down, without the muscles to support him, and he doesn't even have any sensory nerves, so what the hell?
-basically, the elders are more happy with him because he made them chairs (is this the limit of the writer's imagination? Could've he atleast make up a cliched plot device so the character would get reputation), and decides to stay in the creeper community. He spends 2 days there chilling out and making items for teh creepahz, when he sees his companions climbing the giant golden staircase. They ask him if he is insane for hanging out with the noiseless sticks of dynamites that can walk and are disguised as bushes-
I told him “These Creepers are not bad, they
are actually a very peaceful mob! I am helping them
with their city.”
Or maybe you're just ****ing stupid and was fooled by their cunning plans. Somehow they want him fresh and alive, and don't mind that he helps them out with the city. But at the same time they acted like dicks before and took his fortress. See where I am going? Maybe when they learned of the diamond they decided they could get themselves a naive, stupid, yet reliable worker, and that is the only reason they are keeping Reye alive.
the Creeper elder
intervened “I say! Those are the men who destroyed our
precious city! Leave at once, you miscreants!”
Why do I think that Reye is going to naively believe this is true? Also, take a shot.
I told
him “HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?! You destroyed an
innocent city for sport!”
Yep.
You see, if you're not as shallow minded as whoever wrote this, you will easily see the obvious truth here: at this point, the creepah elder is trying to make the two parties hate each-other so Rick and Aaron couldn't tell Reye the truth.
EXCEPT THAT THIS ISN'T THE TRUTH
He replied “Are you insane
Reye? These things kill us for just coming near us!
They are evil!”
I do not see anything wrong with saying that. That's what happened in the past, it killed people and hurt them. Besides, they have every single reason to hate the other mobs that live in the city too, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT GOT SLASHED APART BY A ****ING ZOMBIE IN THE FRONT OF REYE'S EYES.
Man, so far I am really feeling Rick. I hope he will leave, and the story wi-
“Reye, I cannot believe you would betray
us like this. You must pay the price for your
stupidity. I hereby challenge you to a duel! One on
one. You. And me.”
Ok, now you're just being retarded, as everybody else. THANKS FOR RUINING THE ONLY HALF-DECENT CHARACTER, BOOK.
Ok, so Reye IS insane. So what? Leave him alone, so the creepers would kill him when they are done with him. Why try to duel with him?
Also, hooray for over dramatization. I would laugh, but Bones took all of that from me.
That, and the feces-like smell coming from the book.
-in this chapter reye built stuff, and screamed like a *****, losing his only friends.
Chapter...WAIT WUT
Alright I would like to apologize, as I skipped a part of the chapter accidentally. So, I will do the rest of the chapter now.
-The creeper elder is good luckin' Reye before the duel. Boring boring, blah blah-
“Prepare to die.” Rick said. “Heh, you wish.” I told
him.
Ok now, does anyone else think that Reye is being a total ******* right now? He does realize that he still has the armour, RICK'S armour, which will make the battle unfair? And I am not even talking about his obsession over creepers, I will save that for later.
He had steel.
I had diamond.
Firstly,
HOW?!?!?!?!?!?!
SO WHAT DO YOU HAVE? LEATHER? IRON? DIAMOND? ALL OF IT? STOP ****ING CONTRADICTING YOURSELF, YOU ARE MAKING THIS PAINFUL!
Secondly,
Reye, you ARE a *******.
I stepped
back, and he got a hit on my leg. I sliced back,
getting him in the stomach.
This sucks so much.
Rick and Reye are apparently complete hardcore robots that don't feel pain.
Now, I am a combat realism freak. And because of this, this sentence makes me said. Why? BECAUSE I AM PRETTY SURE YOU ARE SUPPOSE FEEL SOMETHING WHEN THERE IS A METER-LONG SHARD OF SHARP MATERIAL CUTTING THROUGH YOUR FLESH.
He came at
me again, he blocked, struck, I back flipped and
dodged.
Reye, you are wearing iron armour. You just backflipped, in iron armour.
YOU ARE WEARING IRON ARMOUR, REYE.
WHAT THE ****
Also, who the hell would backflip in a battle, EVER?!? You could have dodged, parried, blocked, reflected, counter-attacked, but instead you choose the most cumbersome, the most impossible, and the most un-effective one of these?
That's just what I was thinking, Picard, thanks buddy.
He then tripped, and I saw my finishing blow.
Seriously. Does this even pretend to make sense?
Not knowing mercy,
Wait, you are planning TO KILL HIM?
WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!
Yes, he stupidly wanted to duel you, and even if he DID attack the creepers, he obviously didn't know that they were relatively peaceful! The creepers took over your house, hurt you, blew your **** up, while Rick and Aaron took you in, saved you, healed your wounds, gave you armour, and he...
You know what, Re...
...
You are a *****, and so is your mother!
I beheaded him, and he died.
Well, NO ****ING ****. PEOPLE DIE WHEN THEY ARE BEHEADED. YOU GODDAMN MORON.
Also, take a shot.
Creepers gasped, and then cheered.
Cyber cursed, and then punched the monitor.
-In this chapter blah blah blah I already did that for this chapter
Chapter VII: A Touching Farewell(the real one)
****.
I do not want to do this.
And no, it's not the "This book is painful argh" reason.
I do not want to even try to deconstruct this chapter, because this chapter is the most ridiculous, improper, random, strangest, hilarious, terrible, **** ASS **** ***** chapter in this whole damn book.
But I will deconstruct it. I will.
-the chapter begins with creepers making dinner for Reuliasu. With no arms-
A thank you dinner was prepared, dedicated to me.
It touched my heart.
*sigh*
I think I am getting used to the stupid logic of this book.
...
Somehow I do not think this is normal.
A photo was taken with me, and all
the Creepers in front of the fountain in the town
square.
...
A photo was taken with me
A photo was taken with
A photo was taken
...
Screw this book.
-after omgwtf, Reye sets out in a random direction. Randomly.-
The Next Day…
Ooooooh, Jump Cut, exciting.
I had set off on my next quest. I had walked for
days, surviving on pork chops and water.
Quest? What the **** are you talking about? You just randomly decided to abandon a high position in the creeper ville house and you are now walking in an un-told direction.
Wait a second...
You just said that a day has passed.
....
Reye has a disability and cannot keep track of time because his IQ is MOTHER****. Ok.
-Reye-cakes makes a camp for the night. He hears a noise and sees a wolf. Also, boring. One obvious grammatical mistake that I won't bother to go through later...-
I gave him a pat on the head
...
Reye, your face is an ass.
Alright. Let's analyze.
Reye sees a wild ****ING wolf.
And the first thing he does is
PAT IT's GODDAMN HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!!!!
...
**** you, **** you, **** you.
I thought for a moment, searching for an
appropriate name for this wolf. I soon came to the name
Draco.
No. Draco is not an *appropriate* ****ing name for a WOLF. Draco is latin for a DRAGON, you shitty dumb-ass. It's anything but appropriate for a WOLF.
The next morning, Draco and I packed up our stuff,
and continued our quest.
Well, since the only thing Draco owns is his own ****
, you've just accomplished a dream of any dog owner ever:
-They traveled, blah blah, saw a "distant figure in the woods", ran up to it-
Draco got in front of the figure, and stopped it.
What can I say? A picture says a thousand words, dear friends:
I ran up
to it and found that it was a woman, and a beautiful
one at that. She had deep blue eyes, blonde hair, and a
torn white skirt.
Like we all don't know where this is going. You know a romance is a bad one when you can guess it from FIFTY ****ING MILES AWAY.
Now, if you know anything about me, one of the top things that pisses me off in crappy fanfics is: Terrible Romance.
And that is exactly why this chapter is **** ASS ***** ****.
-they talk for like a second, trading names. Reye explains that he is not planning on harming her. She explains that Reye smells like ****.-
She said “I thought you were one
of… them.”
OH GOODY I WONDER WHERE I HEARD THAT PHRASE OH WAIT
EVERYWHERE!!!!
Crappy Book, Crappy Book, Crappy booky booky! Get down!
Sorry.
“They attacked me a couple days ago. One of
them got my skirt with his sword.”
...
Writer.
I do not think you understand how life works.
If two armed man without morals and with foul intentions see a woman without any means to defend herself, they do not slash her with sharp objects. They rape her.
HOWEVER!
If you think about it, maybe Aura(that's the girl's name) is something of a black widow-type of a bandit. She probably attacked Rick and Aaron earlier, and they got a slash on her leg, making her retreat. They did not follow her, because Rick probably learned from his original encounter and did not go full retard.
That means that Aura is trying to trick Reye into thinking that this is true. I am sure that this will become an engaging mystery-solving case-cracking psychological venture into the depths of Reye's subconscious in order to understand Aura's mysterious ways and bring her down.
Or, the writer is just naive, and this book is ass.
-Reye went all "SAFETY IN TEH NUMBAZ" on Aura, and she agreed to join-
So then, Aura joined our quest
Reye.
No.
There is no quest.
We came to a
peaceful forest spring. It was beautiful. It had a
waterfall flowing on the far bank, and a small patch of
land in the middle.
That hardly sounds like a "forest spring".
It sounds like a ****ing river.
That, and it is also downright boring.
Plus, a single ray of light shined
down, covering the patch of land.
Wha-
...
*sigh* Christ.
I can’t imagine a more beautiful thing
Well then, your imagination is as dull as your mother.
“Wait. This
won’t take but a minute!” I took out my gold blocks and
shovel. I dug a two step staircase into the water and
paved it with the gold blocks.
...
WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?
-boring boring boring. Aura and Reye jump into water, giggling like idiots. They enjoy swimming with a dirty wolf. There is a lot of filler in there, like Reye making a random waterfall slide out of silver blocks. After a while they get tired, and rest on the small patch of land in the middle of the river. Or something-
“You know… I just want to thank for all you
have done for me. I could have died out here if not for
you. You are the nicest person I’ve met since I woke up
on this island.”
What in the name of ****NESS are you talking about? Damn, I know that the romantic monologue will be bad, but not that bad! Besides, YOU JUST MET 15 MINUTES AGO! You were barely wounded! And what, you are going for the wake up on the island sce-
Right then, our eyes
met, and we slowly leaned in and kissed. It lasted for
a good 10 seconds, but it seemed to go on forever.I
knew, right then and there that Aura was the most
perfect girl I’d ever met. She was an angel sent from
heaven itself. We fell asleep slowly, there on that
patch of land. It was the most perfect end, to the
perfect time of my life.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!
**** YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! **** YOU **** YOU **** YOU!!!!
NO!!!
YOU GODDAMN PIECE OF ****!!!!!
I SAID ****ING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
...
oh no no no no...
oh **** no, no, no no!
noooooooooo....
...
Do you hear that?
It's me crying out urine in a corner.
...
Alright.
Calm down.
I knew the...*iwontcallthisaromance* will be horrible. Just not that...horrible.
...
**** this book.
Chapter VIII: My Son
Son.
Anyway.
I woke up to the sound and smell of pork chops
sizzling.
I would hope that you would not wake up at all. Actually that's what was suppose to happen, since you are spending the night OUTSIDE IN THE DARKNESS WHERE MONSTERS SPAWN EVERY SECOND.
I saw
Aura cooking on the stove that I had crafted.
Cool. Thanks for not telling us, author shitface.
I just figured you would
want to eat something before we continue on.
I am pretty sure that Reye didn't eat for WEEKS now. So here is the rest of the realism thrown out the window. Although it was probably gone much before now.
To those wondering, Reye didn't have sex with Aura. Yet.
I ate and we packed up
and began again.
oh my god i missed you
After a few hours of walking I heard
sounds of civilization.
oh. my. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD
I SURE DID MISS THIS BOOK'S LOGIC. ****!
Because civilization sounds. EUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
what the ****...
“Huh? Do you hear that, it
sounds like there may be a city ahead?” Said Aura.
HOW THE **** ANYTHING SUPPOSE TO SOUND LIKE THAT WHAT
-they see a "Swampland City"(not generic at all) over the hill and walk to the town square. All with minimal detail, of course. They see a mayor, and share greetings in the most boring fashion ever.-
“I am Reye, the leader,
...
WHY YES REYE, INDEED. YOU ARE THE LEADER OF THE MAD, THE KING OF FLIES, THE LORD OF THE MICE, THE JARL OF FILTH, THE GOVERNOR OF WHORES, THE COMMANDER OF NOTHING YOU ARROGANT AND DUMB, OH SO DUMB MOTHER****ER!!!!
Let me tell
you a bit about our city. We commonly hunt
animals and mobs to get the things we need, and
also--“ I cut him off. “Wait, you hunt animals
and mobs? I can hardly believe that!” Aura
complied “Yeah that’s horrible!” We then excused
ourselves and left immediately.
...
YOU SON OF A *****!
You are wondering into here, with your ***** SQUAD, and you encounter people who are KIND and ACCEPTIVE of your RETARDEDNESS, and in return, you ABSOLUTELY RANDOMLY insult THEIR WAYS and STORM OFF?
...
WHAT THE **** IS WRONG WITH YOU?
(intermission)
“Unbelievable! How can they do
that?! You will not get attacked unless you
provoke them.”
You do realize that not every single person ON THIS EARTH knows about the intelligence of the creepers, right? And that it is a bit hard to know, since it requires you having you having the most precious and rarest rock in your pocket, and the STUPIDITY of not running away but CONVERSING with a ****ING walking stick of dynamite?
And why the **** are they running into you screaming and trying to explode/make you a kebab if they are so peaceful, anyway?
Everyone concurred.
Reye...
It's a ****ing wolf, dumb ****.
You should've said "the breast sack concurred".
-They decide to build their own "base", because they do not like humans.-
“Oh yeah, I know of a great
open field surrounded by forests, where it would
be perfect. Enough room for a base and a farm,
and more!”
Hey! List'n! Can you hear it? A small echo, barely audible? Something like "****ING GENERIIIIIIIII...." or something like that? Yeah, that's me. I live in Canada.
-They traveled east for 3 days, boring boring boring.
It was like I remembered it. Huge, uninhabited still, and flat. Aura commented “Wow Reye, this place is
beautiful.”
O______________________________________________________________________________________________________________O
DUMB ***** EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR MORALS UNDERSTANDINGS OF BEAUTY AND FEELINGS IS WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG
These people are ****ed up...
With that, the construction began.
The castle took only four days.
ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME.
And, more importantly, WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THE MATERIALS FROM?
I mean, it was impressive when Rick was storing his things in his ass, BUT THIS IS TAKING IT WAAAAAY TOO FAR.
-boring, boring, INSANELY worthless detail describing Reye farming. Apparently his farms are 3/4's of his land, which is a TERRIBLE idea for a small group living in "HUGE TRACTS OF LAND", as that gives them no space to grow into and gives them a huge amount of food they don't even NEED. Not to mention that it is impossible to keep 3 gigantic squares of land with fields on them kept running with only 2 people. What the **** was the author smoking?-
I headed
back inside, as it was twilight. In other words,
it was getting dark.
...
Oh. My. God.
I feel SO GOD DAMN INSULTED.
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWK THIS IS TOO BAD!!!!!
-Reye walks inside his bedroom to find ***** face lying on the bed in a seductive position. Oh dear. She is wearing a very revealing night-gown, too. Thanks, author, we really wanted to know every detail of your erotic wet dream.-
I complimented “It’s beautiful. It really shows
your body.” It truly was. It was red, made of a
silky material and it had some reeds going up
one side.
I'm sorry, but how else could I imagine the "reeds going up one side"?
I joined
her, as it was the only bed that I found.
...
This sentence makes no sense in SO MANY ****ING WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYS!!!
We
laid there for around ten minutes until Aura
asked a question that I never would’ve expected.
"Reye, do you cry of pain when you masturbate like just now?"
“You know… it is lonely around here. I
mean, yes, we have Draco, but we need another
human.”
Wait, you mean you are actually getting the idea? That Draco is, you know...
“I think we
should have a child.”
Oh dear god almighty. Spare me of clumsily written sex scene, PLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE.
Thoughts began pouring
into my head as I pondered the statement.
Unfortunately, the author could not reveal the main character's thinking, as he was too engaged in the great art called "masturbating to his own 'sexy hot' romance".
“Maybe
not just yet. It feels a bit early.”
...
What the **** just happened.
...
Did Reye...
Just make a...
RIGHT DECISION FOR ONCE?
“I guess you’re right.” The way she said
that made my feelings hurt for her. She sounded
so saddened. I knew I could not let her be
disappointed. She loved me, and I loved her.
Erm, no Reye. You do not love each other. You ****er. And it's a bad idea to actually have a child sooner than disappoint her, because...
Because if you do decide to sleep with her, she will be SO DAMN DISAPPOINTED, only in a totally different way.
In
my head I planned. The next morning, I would
propose to Aura.
Chapter
Reye...
It's called sex.
-In this chapter (which is much longer than the others, as you probably noticed) the failuare squad acted like assholes to some generic town, went to some generic land and build a generic castle that is made of Reye's **** in a matter of four completely generic days.
So...
Who else feels like kicking the author in the balls right about now?
Chapter IX: Holy Matrimony
You wired me awake and
Hit me with a hand o' broken nails.
Holy hell. It's been a while.
-Reye wakes up alone. I will not blame Aura.-
I found Aura in
the kitchen, making breakfast.
A common re-occurance through-out the novel. It's...a bit sexist. Just a bit.
After cleaning the dishes, I knew it was the
time. I called Aura up to our bedroom. She came
up. “Yes, Reye? What did you want?” I kneeled
down before her and said “Aura. You know how
much I love you. Aura, I ask your hand in
marriage. Will you marry me, and complete my
life?” She said in excitement “YES! Of course I
will! YES!”
Well, that "it's too early" phase broke down quite quickly...
WAIT A SECOND.
Marriage?
You are going to marry in a wild land filled with dangerous and supernatural hostilities?
WHAT. That doesn't make any sense! How would he marry anyway? Are they seriously going to hold out a ****ing cross made of a couple of sticks and present each other with some wooden rings? THE HELL.
We kissed passionately, in
celebration.
I am pretty sure that marriage(although ******** in minecraft) is suppose to be a celebration of love... and kissing is one of basic ways of showing affection...thus, why would yo Nevermind I am not suppose to think about it am I.
Later, after a few minutes of
celebration, we both relaxed and just sat down
on the couch.
"Man, we are getting married."*fistpump*"I know right"*fistpump*"We are quite sexy"*fistpump*"IKR LOL"
I knew we would live here,
together, in this castle forever.
O_O
Erm, is anyone else getting a serious Blue Beard vibe from this? Because this is damn creepy.
-Reye changes time over to the NEXT morning and starts walking outisde before finding a NINJA CREEPAH. They share his. I share brain cell dies (Badum-psh)-
This is truly a great
fortress you have built. A wall of cobblestone.
Translation: Your castle is **** (sorry Goomba!)
-my god boring **** typical unoriginal exchange between characters-
“Splendid. When is the wedding
scheduled for?” “Tomorrow at noon?” Aura
suggested. The elder said “Great! You two
prepare and I will get the builders started on
décor and music detail. See you tomorrow.”
No.
****ing.
Words.
Are.
Enough.
So I got to work,
sewing a black suit from spider silk. Aura was
sewing herself a white dress made from the same
material.
...Spider...silk?
I even made a wolf tuxedo for Draco.
He seemed happy with it. He barked happily as I
put it on him.
Sometimes, I awaken in the world of Retard. Then, I would hope for a quick exit. If I would not find it, then I would commit suicide because of the Retard.
Needless to say, that is exactly how I am feeling right now.
So we
headed out on the horses I had been raising.
THE ****? WHERE DID YOU GET THE HORSES? DID YOU JUST **** TWO OUT AND HEAD IT BREED? WHAT? SLDGNPOSDNGONS:DGNIKS:DNGL:DNG:SKNGN:LSDKNLSDGSG
Whydidistartdoingthisagain
We walked over to
Creeptopolis, where the Creeper elder greeted
us.
That's ni-TAKE A SHOT NOW.
HEY HEY YEP YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS DONE WITH I BET YOU ALREADY THREW THE BOTTLE AWAY RIGHT NO NOPE DRINK THAT DOWN YOU ******* THAT'S RIGHT DRINK IT RIGHT DOWN YOU GI-.
Sorry, I think all the anger I have accumulated has got to my head.
He led us into the town square quietly, so
as to make our arrival a surprise. We walked up
a red silk carpet, and onto an honoring
platform. Standing there, the evening twilight
shone down on us as a single ray of light. “This
is just like at the forest spring.” Aura pointed
out.
You mean it's just as ******** and not-making-sense?
-RELIGIOUS CREEPER CEREMONY RELIGIOUS CREEPER YEAH RELIGIOUS REEPER CEREMONY ACTION-
We kissed for a
good thirty seconds, with rose petals falling,
and applause and cheering.
why do i feel like i am on drugs
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, this is it for now, I will update my deconstruction later. I hope you enjoyed my critique for now.
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Me: Yays! I just finished building a giant staircase up to my floating base :biggrin.gif: time to celebrate!
*Turns on easy*
Me: Maybe I'll get to see an enderman....
*Enderman spawns*
Me: OMG ENDERMAN!!!!!
*Looks strait at enderman, and enderman teleports away*
Me: Awwwww.......
*Enderman teleports onto base*
Me: D:
*Jumps off base in a panic*
Game over!
XD yeah....
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Covers the sky.
Ender dragons
How majestically, they fly!
Obsidian spikes
shoot up from the ground.
Thousands of endermen
wander around.
The end?
For you, maybe.
But not for us!
It is our beginning......
XD I was really bored.......
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Well, I never specified what update this was taking place in, only that it was after the adventure update :wink.gif:
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My kids...
All dead....
Thanks to that stupid adventure update!
We used to drop only feathers....
But zombies dropped them to!
Humans had less reason to kill us!
But now...
WE are the only ones who drop feathers...
They need us....
Dead.
X3 I was bored.....
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and then she wasn't
She roamed the lands, hunting and gathering
She showed no mercy
We wanted nothing to do with her
We were afraid
Yet there was something about her
Something that drew us in
only to be spit back out by her blade.....
Chapter One-
"Gah!" Her scream echoed throughout the ravine as the skeletons arrow pierced her arm. She jerked back, flinging her sword a few blocks behind her. She cursed under her breath as she sprinted to retrieve it. She picked it up and held it out in front of her, ready to block anymore incoming arrows.
"Will they ever learn?" I turned to Collin who was standing beside me. He was tall, green, and his face was frozen in a permanent frown. He was what she called a creeper. I however, was nothing more than an arrangement of bones. Basically, I was a living skeleton, as she called me. There were others, too. Like the enderman, the spiders, and the zombies. There are rumors, however, about other others, with names like 'silverfish' and 'ghast', but I had never actually seen any, so I don't believe them.
"Nah, she does this every night, I think that if they were going to learn, I think that they would have learnt by now." Collin replied. I gave a small nod of agreement, he was right after all.
Suddenly, there was a loud boom. I peered around the large stone wall that I was hiding behind quick enough to see her get blown back against the wall.
"I think that might have been Uncle Teddy."
~Yay! First chapter!~
Chapter 2-
After the fight in the ravine had ended and the sun had come up, I went back in to the caves, and didn't come back up.I don't know why I decided to stay down. I guess I just needed some thinking time.
Well, anyways, in my time down there, I thought about a lot of things, but I mostly thought about her. What was it that made us so...... attracted to her? What made it so that we would go out at night just to be killed? I thought and thought, and I finally came up with my answer; We were afraid. Not of what would happen if we ran after her, however, but of what would happen if we didn't.
~Yeah...~
Chapter 3-
Today I decided to leave the caves. It would be a long journey back up, as the caves were large, but it's not like I was in a hurry.
As I was leaving, something bright caught my eye.....socket. I began walking towards it, and as I got closer, I could see that the brightness was coming from a torch, something that she made. When I reached it, I discovered that the torch wasn't just a single torch, but the beginning of a long path of torches. I stood there for a second, wondering if I should follow the path. I did.
The path was long, and eventually led me to a 3X3 square in the stone. What was in that 3X3 square surprised me. It was a shrine... to her. There was a small painting of her in the center or the wall, and a crafting bench on ether side of it. Paintings and crafting benches were something that she made, as well. The shrine itself creeped me out. Why would she make a shrine of herself? And if it wasn't her who made it, then who was it? None of the monsters I knew about, aside from the endermen, could pick up things that she made. But why would the endermen want to build a shrine for her?
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Rep plz??
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