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Tried with both launchers, updating java, running as admin and in compatibility mode, allocating more and less ram, and nothing works. Very occasionally it will manage to boot but most of the times crashes with exit code 0. Occassionally will give a crash report which I've attached below.

EDIT 1. Alright I didn't realise that code block would be so big but I have no idea what's important in it, apologies.

EDIT 2. Here's a link to the file https://www.dropbox.com/s/i5cemwwky0kusgf/Minecraft crash report.txt?dl=0

Make a test with the old Launcher

Windows 7/8 version:
https://www.minecraft.net/en-us/download/alternative

Currently trying on the Windows 7/8 version but I can't get a crash report out of that, what log can i give you?

Press Windows-Key + R and type

%appdata%

Go to /.minecraft/logs/

and add the latest.log

If there is no latest.log, add the launcher_log.txt from the .minecraft folder

Here's the latest one: https://www.dropbox.com/s/ptvbetp89a9zvlc/2021-12-03-7.log.gz?dl=0

Here's the launcher_log: https://www.dropbox.com/s/lt8xk4n5lsxe6xv/launcher_log.txt?dl=0

Unless you mean literally the text file called latest, which only contains this:

[18:05:38] [Render thread/INFO]: Environment: authHost='https://authserver.mojang.com', accountsHost='https://api.mojang.com', sessionHost='https://sessionserver.mojang.com', servicesHost='https://api.minecraftservices.com', name='PROD'
[18:05:40] [Render thread/INFO]: Setting user: AmbivAlaney
[18:05:40] [Render thread/INFO]: Backend library: LWJGL version 3.2.2 build 10

Test it with another Launcher like AT Launcher, Technic Launcher or MultiMC

That crashed too, see log: https://paste.atlauncher.com/view/da859af4-8f15-4b0c-89a7-c0d268f53fc1

Do you have an Nvidia or AMD GPU?

Currently, Minecraft is running with your Intel UHD Graphics 620

Minecraft 1.17 changed the system requirements - the Intel GPU does not support these

Maybe 1.16.5 and older should work

I guess that diagnoses the problem: The laptop I'm currently using doesn't have anything but the inbuilt Intel GPU; I just checked and the last time I played was back in March which would've been 1.16, so hence why I haven't run into this before. Just ran a 1.16 version and that of course boots perfectly fine, poo.

Is there any kind of workaround you know of short of having to buy a GPU?

I think only newer hardware can fix this issue

Ah dang, always the more expensive option. I'm still thoroughly confused as to how I got the game to boot a couple of times yesterday though

Many thanks for your help and swift replies!