Basically, whenever I open minecraft, everything seems like it's okay, and then when the main launcher opens, it's stuck on "Loading Profiles" For like 30 minutes, until I can play, or it just crashes.
That guy is stuck loading versions, which requires a functioning internet connection. His connections are probably timing out so it gets 'stuck' because timeouts are relatively slow, whereas when your PC is not connected at all connections fail quickly pushing you into offline mode quickly.
You need to provide more information about your problem, for example the development console output and if it crashes, information about the crash you are experiencing.
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Any suggestions?
This is not my picture http://lookpic.com/O/i2/1596/YrPVXApD.png
This guy seemed to have the same problem, on a different version.
You need to provide more information about your problem, for example the development console output and if it crashes, information about the crash you are experiencing.