note: before i start id like to say that herobrine isn't real, neither is entity303 or null.
forward: this time i won't be giving up in the middle. i plan on finishing.
I stand outside the Citys walls. My parents either side of me.
"Careful, son, if you behave badly in the City Herobrine will get you!"
I roll my eyes. "Herobrine isn't even real. He's a myth. Like those other guys."
My dad hands me a written book. Its signed by one of the guys in control of the City. They've signed it as 'City entry pass'. inside it has my name and a photo of me, like one of those old passport things. Before the City decided to take control.
"sssssss"
A creeper. Outside the city they control everything, by exploding in your faces.
I mumble something. And then i hear the boom.
I open my eyes. colors swim around before settling down.
"where am I?"
I sit up and groan. I'm in a bed, in a giant room. Inside the room are loads of other beds in neat rows.
"Mom!"
theres no reply. I sink back down onto the bed.
I wake up several hours later
"Mom, Dad?"
"their ok, they managed to get away."
theres someone standing over me. A woman with bright pink hair.
"quite a welcome to the City eh? A land where you can live without fear of the Mobs and your almost blown up by one at the Entrance. and then spend the next day in a hospital"
"a what"
"oh, don't you have hospitals Outside?"
"no"
"oh."
she pauses brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.
"its where sick people go. really sick people."
"oh."
silence.
long silence.
never-ending silence.
"where are my parents?"
she shakes her head. "honestly? i don't know, i was just told to tell you they were ok.'
the bald man in the suit marched us though the city.
Im glad that my parents are safe. but I'm anxious to get to our new home.
"And here is the entrance."
"to what"
he sighs. "what do you think."
"I don't know, If i did i wouldn't of asked."
"son, please don't wind him up".
i sigh. Parents can be so frustrating.
"remember not to anger herobrine"
"HOW MANY TIMES" i yell now. "Herobrine is fake."
"i used to know someone who went herobrine hunting. he died."
Me and my parents look at him.
"Wow, nice story, happy ending."
The man looks at me in a confused way.
"not really. He went mad after a tnt bomb fell. he thought he could find some of the old myths. he died outside the wall. I myself found him shot into a tree by a skele- "
I interupt him there.
"thats enough."
He stares at me.
"But you said it was a nice story."
"Sarcasm."
"Oh."
"The entrance to the City"
"correct" he nods.
theres a pause then he says
"now, this tour will start here and show you lot of the city."
boredom.
the whole layout of the city. straight lines in a gridline pattern, on either side of a river. boats going up and down the river.
"are we nearly there yet?"
my dad looks at me "i thought you said that enough times while travelling here"
the bald man looks back "and enough times here. this is your apartment block, your in 20G, you may want to take the elevator."
20G? how many apartments are there in total?
we enter. the bald man shakes my parents hands and then leaves.
we go up to the mailboxes. a whole wall full of them. no mail. but then thats expected isn't it.
we then go towards the elevator. thees actually 2. going in what appears to be an everlasting loop. up one side down the other. we step on. i count the floors.
"floor 20"
we step off. some other teenagers step on.
we get to our door. mom unlocks it and we step inside. white everything. walls, floor, ceiling.
those of you wondering why i don't have an active RP (so far none). i try. but whenever i get to the rules section of it my computer restarts. computer: i realise what your telling me and i give up.
Sounds like it'll be a good fanfic, I'm looking forward to reading it.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
A God that holds you over the pit of Hell, much as one holds a spider or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked. - Jonathan Edwards
This story looks promising, but some things need to be addressed to make it a really good tale.
First off, please, please, please use proper capitalization. It makes your text look like a serious book instead of a Tumblr post.
This is how to do a spoiler:
(spoiler) Your text goes in here. (/spoiler)
but with [brackets] instead of (parentheses.) Hit Enter at least once after the first part of the spoiler code and before the last.
Next, your tense is confusing. It flip-flops from past to present and back again. Choose either past tense or present tense and stick with it (at least until the next book. In one of my stories, the middle book switches to past tense to symbolize the melancholy mood of the piece, contrasting the bold and brave mood of the first.)
The creeper explosion as a cliffhanger is kind of cliche. Try to avoid that from now on.
Who’s talking here? Is it a boy or a girl? What’s their name? I have no idea who your main character is or what they want. Until we know that, your story packs little punch. The big question for any book’s plot is “What does the main character want, and why should we care?”
Be descriptive! What is this City like? Weaving detailed description into the setting and action will help it be more effective.
This is a tip, not a criticism. Try writing a few chapters in advance and posting them at a steady rate. That way, you won’t be struggling to complete the next installment as people are shouting at you to post something. Stressed writing will probably end up being rather trashy. The write-in-advance method is a real lifesaver for when the writer’s block strikes.
Now that all that is out of the way, let me provide some encouragement. Writer’s block will eventually rear its ugly head, so be prepared. Don’t get discouraged and don’t give up. You have a story that deserves to be told, and don’t let the voice whispering “You can’t do it. You can’t do it” dissuade you.
Anyway, I bid you good fortune in completing this. Hopefully I didn’t sound too crabby. And thank you for mentioning right off that bat that Herobrine, Entity 303, and Null don't actually exist.
This story looks promising, but some things need to be addressed to make it a really good tale.
First off, please, please, please use proper capitalization. It makes your text look like a serious book instead of a Tumblr post.
This is how to do a spoiler:
(spoiler) Your text goes in here. (/spoiler)
but with [brackets] instead of (parentheses.) Hit Enter at least once after the first part of the spoiler code and before the last.
Next, your tense is confusing. It flip-flops from past to present and back again. Choose either past tense or present tense and stick with it (at least until the next book. In one of my stories, the middle book switches to past tense to symbolize the melancholy mood of the piece, contrasting the bold and brave mood of the first.)
The creeper explosion as a cliffhanger is kind of cliche. Try to avoid that from now on.
Who’s talking here? Is it a boy or a girl? What’s their name? I have no idea who your main character is or what they want. Until we know that, your story packs little punch. The big question for any book’s plot is “What does the main character want, and why should we care?”
Be descriptive! What is this City like? Weaving detailed description into the setting and action will help it be more effective.
This is a tip, not a criticism. Try writing a few chapters in advance and posting them at a steady rate. That way, you won’t be struggling to complete the next installment as people are shouting at you to post something. Stressed writing will probably end up being rather trashy. The write-in-advance method is a real lifesaver for when the writer’s block strikes.
Now that all that is out of the way, let me provide some encouragement. Writer’s block will eventually rear its ugly head, so be prepared. Don’t get discouraged and don’t give up. You have a story that deserves to be told, and don’t let the voice whispering “You can’t do it. You can’t do it” dissuade you.
Anyway, I bid you good fortune in completing this. Hopefully I didn’t sound too crabby. And thank you for mentioning right off that bat that Herobrine, Entity 303, and Null don't actually exist.
Well said, you always seem to give great tips that will not discourage the writer nor dis-motivate them.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
A God that holds you over the pit of Hell, much as one holds a spider or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked. - Jonathan Edwards
those of you wondering why i don't have an active RP (so far none). i try. but whenever i get to the rules section of it my computer restarts. computer: i realise what your telling me and i give up.
I've capitalized, added in spoiler tags correctly, tried to fix tense and said that the character was a boy.
Only trouble is, the spoiler didn't actually work.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
-The Lovely and Magestic RainbowGirl
Whatever I just said, I didn't mean any offense. Unless we're fighting, in which case I probably did.
If I said something was a joke when it didn't seem like one, I'm making an excuse to avoid an argument I know is coming. Instead of telling me how not funny I am and how it didn't seem like a joke at all, just go along with it. Because flame wars suck and nobody wants to be a part of one.
Roughly 95% of Minecraft players hate Villagers and would be very happy if they were removed. If you are one of the 5% who actually like villagers, copy this into your signature.-RainbowGirl
The damn image won't work-screw my iPad!-but you should click this link. Now. Or you'll regret it...because this suggestion is epic.
those of you wondering why i don't have an active RP (so far none). i try. but whenever i get to the rules section of it my computer restarts. computer: i realise what your telling me and i give up.
To post a comment, please login or register a new account.
note: before i start id like to say that herobrine isn't real, neither is entity303 or null.
forward: this time i won't be giving up in the middle. i plan on finishing.
I stand outside the Citys walls. My parents either side of me.
"Careful, son, if you behave badly in the City Herobrine will get you!"
I roll my eyes. "Herobrine isn't even real. He's a myth. Like those other guys."
My dad hands me a written book. Its signed by one of the guys in control of the City. They've signed it as 'City entry pass'. inside it has my name and a photo of me, like one of those old passport things. Before the City decided to take control.
"sssssss"
A creeper. Outside the city they control everything, by exploding in your faces.
I mumble something. And then i hear the boom.
I open my eyes. colors swim around before settling down.
"where am I?"
I sit up and groan. I'm in a bed, in a giant room. Inside the room are loads of other beds in neat rows.
"Mom!"
theres no reply. I sink back down onto the bed.
I wake up several hours later
"Mom, Dad?"
"their ok, they managed to get away."
theres someone standing over me. A woman with bright pink hair.
"quite a welcome to the City eh? A land where you can live without fear of the Mobs and your almost blown up by one at the Entrance. and then spend the next day in a hospital"
"a what"
"oh, don't you have hospitals Outside?"
"no"
"oh."
she pauses brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes.
"its where sick people go. really sick people."
"oh."
silence.
long silence.
never-ending silence.
"where are my parents?"
she shakes her head. "honestly? i don't know, i was just told to tell you they were ok.'
the bald man in the suit marched us though the city.
Im glad that my parents are safe. but I'm anxious to get to our new home.
"And here is the entrance."
"to what"
he sighs. "what do you think."
"I don't know, If i did i wouldn't of asked."
"son, please don't wind him up".
i sigh. Parents can be so frustrating.
"remember not to anger herobrine"
"HOW MANY TIMES" i yell now. "Herobrine is fake."
"i used to know someone who went herobrine hunting. he died."
Me and my parents look at him.
"Wow, nice story, happy ending."
The man looks at me in a confused way.
"not really. He went mad after a tnt bomb fell. he thought he could find some of the old myths. he died outside the wall. I myself found him shot into a tree by a skele- "
I interupt him there.
"thats enough."
He stares at me.
"But you said it was a nice story."
"Sarcasm."
"Oh."
"The entrance to the City"
"correct" he nods.
theres a pause then he says
"now, this tour will start here and show you lot of the city."
boredom.
the whole layout of the city. straight lines in a gridline pattern, on either side of a river. boats going up and down the river.
"are we nearly there yet?"
my dad looks at me "i thought you said that enough times while travelling here"
the bald man looks back "and enough times here. this is your apartment block, your in 20G, you may want to take the elevator."
20G? how many apartments are there in total?
we enter. the bald man shakes my parents hands and then leaves.
we go up to the mailboxes. a whole wall full of them. no mail. but then thats expected isn't it.
we then go towards the elevator. thees actually 2. going in what appears to be an everlasting loop. up one side down the other. we step on. i count the floors.
"floor 20"
we step off. some other teenagers step on.
we get to our door. mom unlocks it and we step inside. white everything. walls, floor, ceiling.
"we may need to paint it."
like many users of the minecraft forums i'm a member of the server total war (IP:167.114.100.168:438) the server includes a 1:1500 scale map of earth.
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ ┻━┻ ︵ ヽ(°□°ヽ) ┻━┻ ︵ ＼\('0')/／ ︵ ┻━┻ ಠ_ಠ ಠ__ಠ ಠ___ಠ ಠ____ಠ (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
#teamlitten #teammoon
those of you wondering why i don't have an active RP (so far none). i try. but whenever i get to the rules section of it my computer restarts. computer: i realise what your telling me and i give up.
Sounds like it'll be a good fanfic, I'm looking forward to reading it.
A God that holds you over the pit of Hell, much as one holds a spider or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked. - Jonathan Edwards
Will follow this.
This story looks promising, but some things need to be addressed to make it a really good tale.
First off, please, please, please use proper capitalization. It makes your text look like a serious book instead of a Tumblr post.
This is how to do a spoiler:
(spoiler) Your text goes in here. (/spoiler)
but with [brackets] instead of (parentheses.) Hit Enter at least once after the first part of the spoiler code and before the last.
Next, your tense is confusing. It flip-flops from past to present and back again. Choose either past tense or present tense and stick with it (at least until the next book. In one of my stories, the middle book switches to past tense to symbolize the melancholy mood of the piece, contrasting the bold and brave mood of the first.)
The creeper explosion as a cliffhanger is kind of cliche. Try to avoid that from now on.
Who’s talking here? Is it a boy or a girl? What’s their name? I have no idea who your main character is or what they want. Until we know that, your story packs little punch. The big question for any book’s plot is “What does the main character want, and why should we care?”
Be descriptive! What is this City like? Weaving detailed description into the setting and action will help it be more effective.
This is a tip, not a criticism. Try writing a few chapters in advance and posting them at a steady rate. That way, you won’t be struggling to complete the next installment as people are shouting at you to post something. Stressed writing will probably end up being rather trashy. The write-in-advance method is a real lifesaver for when the writer’s block strikes.
Now that all that is out of the way, let me provide some encouragement. Writer’s block will eventually rear its ugly head, so be prepared. Don’t get discouraged and don’t give up. You have a story that deserves to be told, and don’t let the voice whispering “You can’t do it. You can’t do it” dissuade you.
Anyway, I bid you good fortune in completing this. Hopefully I didn’t sound too crabby. And thank you for mentioning right off that bat that Herobrine, Entity 303, and Null don't actually exist.
Insulting people for their beliefs is not a good way of convincing them to adopt yours.
Fiction is just a game of make-believe recorded on paper or film. But that's what makes it so great.
Hipster Jesus liked you before you were cool.
Well said, you always seem to give great tips that will not discourage the writer nor dis-motivate them.
A God that holds you over the pit of Hell, much as one holds a spider or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked. - Jonathan Edwards
I've capitalized, added in spoiler tags correctly, tried to fix tense and said that the character was a boy.
like many users of the minecraft forums i'm a member of the server total war (IP:167.114.100.168:438) the server includes a 1:1500 scale map of earth.
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ ┻━┻ ︵ ヽ(°□°ヽ) ┻━┻ ︵ ＼\('0')/／ ︵ ┻━┻ ಠ_ಠ ಠ__ಠ ಠ___ಠ ಠ____ಠ (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
#teamlitten #teammoon
those of you wondering why i don't have an active RP (so far none). i try. but whenever i get to the rules section of it my computer restarts. computer: i realise what your telling me and i give up.
Only trouble is, the spoiler didn't actually work.
-The Lovely and Magestic RainbowGirl
Whatever I just said, I didn't mean any offense. Unless we're fighting, in which case I probably did.
If I said something was a joke when it didn't seem like one, I'm making an excuse to avoid an argument I know is coming. Instead of telling me how not funny I am and how it didn't seem like a joke at all, just go along with it. Because flame wars suck and nobody wants to be a part of one.
Roughly 95% of Minecraft players hate Villagers and would be very happy if they were removed. If you are one of the 5% who actually like villagers, copy this into your signature.-RainbowGirl
The damn image won't work-screw my iPad!-but you should click this link. Now. Or you'll regret it...because this suggestion is epic.
Nice!
Unfortunately, your spoiler is still broken. If you want a spoiler with a title, you have to use an equal sign =, not a colon : .
Like so:
(spoiler=Prologue) Your text (/spoiler)
but with [brackets] instead of (parentheses) as before.
Insulting people for their beliefs is not a good way of convincing them to adopt yours.
Fiction is just a game of make-believe recorded on paper or film. But that's what makes it so great.
Hipster Jesus liked you before you were cool.
ah. thanks
like many users of the minecraft forums i'm a member of the server total war (IP:167.114.100.168:438) the server includes a 1:1500 scale map of earth.
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ ┻━┻ ︵ ヽ(°□°ヽ) ┻━┻ ︵ ＼\('0')/／ ︵ ┻━┻ ಠ_ಠ ಠ__ಠ ಠ___ಠ ಠ____ಠ (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ (╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
#teamlitten #teammoon
those of you wondering why i don't have an active RP (so far none). i try. but whenever i get to the rules section of it my computer restarts. computer: i realise what your telling me and i give up.