Hi! This is a nice story with a very interesting concept. At first I was expecting yet another fanfic about the song "Fallen Kingdom" with its opening description, but I was pleasantly surprised for it to be something different.
I do have some constructive criticism to offer, however. For one thing, the pacing of the story is a little too choppy. Sure, you use transition words, but the narration still abruptly shifts from one event to the next, making it a bitty bit difficult to follow. Additionally, the descriptions are pretty good but they are still a little vague. You don't have to mention every little detail about everything, of course, but a smidgen more description will help your readers form a better picture of the story in their mind.
Allow me to provide an example. In chapter 2 you said the knight was tall, which was good, but there is more to a character's appearance than just their height. Was he slim or muscular? What did his armour look like? Was it brand-new or damaged from past battles? Could we see his face? If so, what did it look like? What colour were his eyes? Did he look sour or friendly? Descriptions of a character's appearance and behaviour provide subtle clues to your reader as to what their personality and goals are like.
Finally, some conventions regarding punctuation. In English, when a character speaks, their speech is enclosed with "quotation marks." I also noticed a lack of commas. Commas help the narration fall into a reasonable pace. Notice how whenever I place a comma in this post, it's at a point where you would pause for a split second before continuing if you were speaking out loud? It can be difficult to tell when to place a comma, so don't stress about that too much. Focus more on telling a good story than on stuffy grammatical and punctuation rules.
One of the most important things you can do for your story is to make a believable, sympathetic main character. We want to know two things: What does your character want, and why should we care? Giving him a family to worry about is an excellent move for garnering sympathy, especially when he has the disturbing dream about them that is potentially predicting some terrible that will happen to them. That is extremely well-handled. The more your readers can identify with your character, the more punch your story will pack.
That's all I can think of for now. Keep on going. This story is great and will be even better as time goes on.
I'll add a few things in the story. Tomorrow I'll release the next chapter. And prologue released. Sorry for that. I needed a prologue and I didn't realized before.
I wish I could tell you in words how I liked it, but I can't. I enjoyed it but I have some tips on how you can make it seem even more exciting and interesting than it was before.
- Grammar: This isn't too important, but what is important is your ability to tell viewers what is exactly happening and what certain characters look like, or what they seem like, are they intimidating or weak and slim.
- Plot and Character Development: You always want to have a character that they (readers) can identify with and sympathize with in some way. If they reach nowhere in the story and learn nothing, the readers will not either. If the character dies you would want them to feel sad, if he succeeds then you would want them to feel happy, I guess.
That's all.
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A God that holds you over the pit of Hell, much as one holds a spider or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked. - Jonathan Edwards
Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to do it. And Taigona had already told me that.
I found the characters to be quite descriptive and identifiable in the later chapters, so I see that the plot seems to be moving. You did good with this. I am somewhat impressed with it. It is nicely done and I truly enjoyed it.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
A God that holds you over the pit of Hell, much as one holds a spider or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked. - Jonathan Edwards
What do you think will happen in the story?
Next Chapter will be released in a week or less
Third Theme released. And sorry for make you wait. I had to do a lot of things this weekend. But tomorrow I'll release the next chapter.
Fourth chapter released guys and sorry for make you wait. I was very busy these days.
What do you think will happen next in the story?
Next Chapter will be released in 2016.
Fourth theme released. And next chapter will be released in a week or less.
Hi! This is a nice story with a very interesting concept. At first I was expecting yet another fanfic about the song "Fallen Kingdom" with its opening description, but I was pleasantly surprised for it to be something different.
I do have some constructive criticism to offer, however. For one thing, the pacing of the story is a little too choppy. Sure, you use transition words, but the narration still abruptly shifts from one event to the next, making it a bitty bit difficult to follow. Additionally, the descriptions are pretty good but they are still a little vague. You don't have to mention every little detail about everything, of course, but a smidgen more description will help your readers form a better picture of the story in their mind.
Allow me to provide an example. In chapter 2 you said the knight was tall, which was good, but there is more to a character's appearance than just their height. Was he slim or muscular? What did his armour look like? Was it brand-new or damaged from past battles? Could we see his face? If so, what did it look like? What colour were his eyes? Did he look sour or friendly? Descriptions of a character's appearance and behaviour provide subtle clues to your reader as to what their personality and goals are like.
Finally, some conventions regarding punctuation. In English, when a character speaks, their speech is enclosed with "quotation marks." I also noticed a lack of commas. Commas help the narration fall into a reasonable pace. Notice how whenever I place a comma in this post, it's at a point where you would pause for a split second before continuing if you were speaking out loud? It can be difficult to tell when to place a comma, so don't stress about that too much. Focus more on telling a good story than on stuffy grammatical and punctuation rules.
One of the most important things you can do for your story is to make a believable, sympathetic main character. We want to know two things: What does your character want, and why should we care? Giving him a family to worry about is an excellent move for garnering sympathy, especially when he has the disturbing dream about them that is potentially predicting some terrible that will happen to them. That is extremely well-handled. The more your readers can identify with your character, the more punch your story will pack.
That's all I can think of for now. Keep on going. This story is great and will be even better as time goes on.
Insulting people for their beliefs is not a good way of convincing them to adopt yours.
Fiction is just a game of make-believe recorded on paper or film. But that's what makes it so great.
Hipster Jesus liked you before you were cool.
Thanks, man, thanks for the advice. I'll see what I can do to make a better story. Thank you.
I'll add a few things in the story. Tomorrow I'll release the next chapter. And prologue released. Sorry for that. I needed a prologue and I didn't realized before.
Fifth chapter released, guys. Next will be released in a week or less.
New themes coming soon.
I wish I could tell you in words how I liked it, but I can't. I enjoyed it but I have some tips on how you can make it seem even more exciting and interesting than it was before.
- Grammar: This isn't too important, but what is important is your ability to tell viewers what is exactly happening and what certain characters look like, or what they seem like, are they intimidating or weak and slim.
- Plot and Character Development: You always want to have a character that they (readers) can identify with and sympathize with in some way. If they reach nowhere in the story and learn nothing, the readers will not either. If the character dies you would want them to feel sad, if he succeeds then you would want them to feel happy, I guess.
That's all.
A God that holds you over the pit of Hell, much as one holds a spider or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked. - Jonathan Edwards
Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to do it. And Taigona had already told me that.
I found the characters to be quite descriptive and identifiable in the later chapters, so I see that the plot seems to be moving. You did good with this. I am somewhat impressed with it. It is nicely done and I truly enjoyed it.
A God that holds you over the pit of Hell, much as one holds a spider or some loathsome insect over the fire, abhors you, and is dreadfully provoked. - Jonathan Edwards
Well, thanks.
I like how the songs are coming along.
Thanks.
Sorry for the time. I have been very busy these days. Tomorrow I'll release next chapter.
The prologue isn't needed. It won't have any use along the story.