The Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Location:
Watching you....
Join Date:
12/25/2012
Posts:
92
Minecraft:
wapachoo
Member Details
No idea what I'm doing, but thought it would be fun to make a story.
Whumpf. A cloud of smoke rolls through the door.
A figure in blueish runed robes walks through, and sits down onto a chair, flips a switch, and pulls something from his pocket, which he then starts twisting and turning.
Another figure, this time in red robes, walks through.
"Hey." "What are you doing here?" "Dunno, thought I'd check on you." "Well, if you're gonna do that, maybe.. I could have a sandwich?" "Seriously?" The figure in red robes presses a button, and a arm holding a sandwich extends from the wall.
"Thanks, Dan." "No problem."
Dan says, "You feeling like a little.. adventuring tomorrow?" "Sure. As long as you bring snacks." "Again with the food? Oh, whatever."
The figure in blue robes says, "Where's it gonna be? Redrock Canyon? That old place we used to call 'The Mossy Cave of DOOOOOM!'? Maybe not there."
Dan says, "Relax, Rob. We'll go somewhere.. new."
Rob says, "New? But.. We've been everywhere!"
Dan says, "Not everywhere.."
Rob says, "You don't mean.."
Dan says, "Oh yes I do. Time to activate the portal!"
Rob says, "Last time that ended badly, but.. Whatever! Let's go!"
Dan says, "Let's get some rest first. And then breakfast at The Golden Cherry?"
Rob says, " Sure. Night, bro."
Dan says, "Night."
Rob gets up, flicks a switch, and walks out.
Dan nabs a book off the floor, and walks out.
Alright, that was my.. idea. Hoped you liked it! If you did, leave a reply telling me what I could fix up.
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Check out my channel, I'll occasionally upload videos.
The Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Location:
ಠ_ಠ
Join Date:
2/20/2015
Posts:
81
Minecraft:
stlast
Member Details
Dialogue is too informal, lacking in spacing, the names are too bland ("Rob" and "Dan") and the last several lines were absolutely painful to read. What is the room like? How were the characters acting as they spoke? Why are they simply deciding, with minimal controversy, to open an apparently dangerous portal?
No idea what I'm doing, but thought it would be fun to make a story.
Whumpf. A cloud of smoke rolls through the door.
A figure in blueish runed robes walks through, and sits down onto a chair, flips a switch, and pulls something from his pocket, which he then starts twisting and turning.
Another figure, this time in red robes, walks through.
"Hey." "What are you doing here?" "Dunno, thought I'd check on you." "Well, if you're gonna do that, maybe.. I could have a sandwich?" "Seriously?" The figure in red robes presses a button, and a arm holding a sandwich extends from the wall.
"Thanks, Dan." "No problem."
Dan says, "You feeling like a little.. adventuring tomorrow?" "Sure. As long as you bring snacks." "Again with the food? Oh, whatever."
The figure in blue robes says, "Where's it gonna be? Redrock Canyon? That old place we used to call 'The Mossy Cave of DOOOOOM!'? Maybe not there."
Dan says, "Relax, Rob. We'll go somewhere.. new."
Rob says, "New? But.. We've been everywhere!"
Dan says, "Not everywhere.."
Rob says, "You don't mean.."
Dan says, "Oh yes I do. Time to activate the portal!"
Rob says, "Last time that ended badly, but.. Whatever! Let's go!"
Dan says, "Let's get some rest first. And then breakfast at The Golden Cherry?"
Rob says, " Sure. Night, bro."
Dan says, "Night."
Rob gets up, flicks a switch, and walks out.
Dan nabs a book off the floor, and walks out.
Alright, that was my.. idea. Hoped you liked it! If you did, leave a reply telling me what I could fix up.
Check out my channel, I'll occasionally upload videos.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClwcjDFL9HHMnqNWRLImbSw
Dialogue is too informal, lacking in spacing, the names are too bland ("Rob" and "Dan") and the last several lines were absolutely painful to read. What is the room like? How were the characters acting as they spoke? Why are they simply deciding, with minimal controversy, to open an apparently dangerous portal?
This is my first attempt at a story, so.. Thanks for the comment. If you would want to help, that would be great.
Check out my channel, I'll occasionally upload videos.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClwcjDFL9HHMnqNWRLImbSw
Anyone? Sigh.
Check out my channel, I'll occasionally upload videos.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UClwcjDFL9HHMnqNWRLImbSw