Yeah, I agree with VIPERSSS in the last post/version. New paragraphs (not just only when someone else starts dialogue) would help make this more readable. It's intimidating to look at the massive solid block of text.
Oh, and another thing, try not to use so many commas next time. Run-on sentences are dangerous, as they easily turn away any reader. Instead, try to find where you can separate sentences.
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Oh, and another thing, try not to use so many commas next time. Run-on sentences are dangerous, as they easily turn away any reader. Instead, try to find where you can separate sentences.
Other than that, this story seems ok.
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