The Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Come Get me!
It all started when our predictably heroic protagonist, Notch, woke up in a haunted thicket. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling really stunned, Notch poked a ninja star, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he realized that his beloved Java was missing! Immediately he called his vicariously jealous friend, Jeb. Notch had known Jeb for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were striking ones. Jeb was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... dimwitted. Notch called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Jeb picked up to a very unctuous Notch. Jeb calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies turn red before mating, yet man-eating capybaras usually earnestly cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Notch. Why was Jeb trying to distract Notch? Because he had snuck out from Notch's with the Java only three days prior. It was a sassy little Java... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Notch got back to the subject at hand: his Java. Jeb yawned. Relunctantly, Jeb invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Java. Notch grabbed his hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Jeb realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Java and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Notch took the nappy, busted-out hatchback, he had take at least ten minutes before Notch would get there. But if he took the Camel? Then Jeb would be abnormally screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Jeb was interrupted by ten dimwitted Pigs that were lured by his Java. Jeb shuddered; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he aimlessly reached for his potato and aggressively slapped every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Camel rolling up. It was Notch.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Notch was out of the Camel and went indiscriminately jaunting toward Jeb's front door. Meanwhile inside, Jeb was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Java into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his refrigerator. Jeb was stunned but at least the Java was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Jeb wildly purred. With a deft push, Notch opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some insensitive coke fiend in a deliciously practical 4-door,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Jeb assured him. Notch took a seat right next to where Jeb had hidden the Java. Jeb sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Notch was distracted. As if it really mattered Jeb noticed a pestering look on Notch's face. Notch slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Jeb felt a stabbing pain in his fingernail when Notch asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Java right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on Notch's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's dangerous oil-soaked rags from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Notch nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Jeb could react, Notch deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Java was plainly in view.
Notch stared at Jeb for what what must've been three seconds. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Jeb groped indiscriminately in Notch's direction, clearly desperate. Notch grabbed the Java and bolted for the door. It was locked. Jeb let out a eccentric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Notch,' he rebuked. Jeb always had been a little oafish, so Notch knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Jeb did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at him or something. Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he gripped his Java tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Jeb looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Notch. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Notch. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Jeb walked over to the window and looked down. Notch was gone.
Just yonder, Notch was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Jeb's place. Notch had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Pigs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Java. One by one they latched on to Notch. Already weakened from his injury, Notch yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Pigs running off with his Java.
About six hours later, Notch awoke, his love handle throbbing. It was dark and Notch did not know where he was. Deep in the humid bush, Notch was really lost. Just as zero people expected he remembered that his Java was taken by the Pigs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a bloated Pig emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha Pig. Notch opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Pig sunk its teeth into Notch's shin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Notch's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eight miles away, Jeb was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Java. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot. With a mighty thrust, he buried it deeply into his kidney. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Notch... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Java that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Pigs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
There's just some poodle's that you can't spoil. They are perfectly capable of doing that to themselves!