Hello. I have been waiting to make this for quite a while, so here it is!
Minecraft: The 12 Eyes of Darkness
Chapter 1: Awaking
12 year-old Steve woke up on a grassy field. He looked over and saw Alex, his 11 year-old sister, observing the strange world. He also saw his best friend, Tony, staring at some blocky Pig-Like creature. "Where are we?" Steve said out loud. His sister gleamed at him. "How do you expect us to know?!?" She replied. Tony pointed out a blocky chest in the distance. "We should go check that out", Tony suggested. Steve and Alex ran towards it. They opened the chest and found a scroll.
Alex read it out loud
"Welcome to Minecraftia. You must build a shelter, fight off dangers, and make sure you survive. You must start by going and punching that tree". Alex kept reading
"Your first task is to smash that wood logs that you punch out into wooden planks. Then, punch more trees, get more wood, smash more wood, and build a house out of wood". "Its a weird world. The day feels like 20 mins here. We should build a house before night" Alex claimed.
"Why?" Steve asked "Let me read more" Alex shouted "If you don't build a shelter in time, things like living skeletons with bow and arrows and zombies will come out. To get out of this place, you have to get the eyes of the leaders of the 12 dimensions to activate the secret portal to the void realm where
"Who?" Steve wonders "All it says is "he" " Alex answers.
97% of teenagers would cry if they saw Justin Bieber on top of a tower about to jump. If your the 3% who is sitting there with popcorn screaming "DO A BACKFLIP", copy and paste this as your signature[/b]
12 year-old Steve woke up on a grassy field. He looked over and saw Alex, his 11 year-old sister, observing the strange world. He also saw his best friend, Tony, staring at some blocky Pig-Like creature. "Where are we?" Steve said out loud. His sister gleamed at him. "How do you expect us to know?!?" She replied. Tony pointed out a blocky chest in the distance. "We should go check that out", Tony suggested. Steve and Alex ran towards it. They opened the chest and found a scroll.
Alex read it out loud
"Welcome to Minecraftia. You must build a shelter, fight off dangers, and make sure you survive. You must start by going and punching that tree". Alex kept reading
"Your first task is to smash that wood logs that you punch out into wooden planks. Then, punch more trees, get more wood, smash more wood, and build a house out of wood". "Its a weird world. The day feels like 20 mins here. We should build a house before night" Alex claimed.
"Why?" Steve asked "Let me read more" Alex shouted
"If you don't build a shelter in time, things like living skeletons with bow and arrows and zombies will come out. To get out of this place, you have to get the eyes of the leaders of the 12 dimensions to activate the secret portal to the void realm where
"Who?" Steve wonders "All it says is "he" " Alex answers.
--
Okay, so the blue text I've highlighted out above are partly/mostly errors you've made in your writing; I'll go through each of these texts. In return, please submit and write a longer story, or at least a lengthy chapter. Please don't express any negativity or feel that my feedback is just putting you down; most of the experienced writers on this forum are reliant on criticism and that's mostly how we learn from our mistakes.
In the first paragraph, your characters aren't descriptive at all, except for their age and relationship between each of them. Both Steve and Alex have an age and mutuality but Tony doesn't have an age described. I suggest replacing their age with their apparel and personality; it'll give a more thorough detail of your characters and it also helps the reader experience a little more character development. That's already enough to give your first chapter a 3/10, based on Kmandy's global ratings (lol).
"Tony, staring at some blocky Pig-Like creature". If you look at this text carefully, you'll notice that it's very weak of imagery and reasoning. We would like to know about your setting beforehand so that you have the viability to ease on the adjective "blocky". In order to have significance on this pig-like creature (which we already know is a pig by common sense), you need to add a little bit more detail to it. For example, you could write "Tony stared at the pink and derpy creature which had the nose of a cute pig.". I believe that you could make this pig into a more relative character to Tony such as a pet, as the term "derpy" could be more interesting than a normal pig itself. This also applies to the "blocky chest", which could be described much more than the pig. If the chest contains an importance, then shouldn't it be described of importance? Give your symbols, objects, and place some imagination for us to read, because like a texture pack (this is a simile, by the way), you gotta fill us in of what everything looks like. By refining your story, your story's rating off of Kmandy's system would likely be a 5/10 already, wow!
Last but not the least, you have incorrect tenses. "Tony suggested. Steve and Alex ran towards it." Do you see the problem there? Tony is in the past while Steve and Alex are presently doing something. Usually, this would only happen when a flashback or foreshadowing event occurs. There should also be a fix on your plurals and singulars, as the text "smash that wood logs that you punch out..." is not properly grammatical. In your writing, you should always have a past tense on either adverbs or verbs. This way, the reader will understand the context more. That should make your first chapter a 6/10 now. I'd rate it a 9/10, but your story is way too short and it's too cliche or very common.
That should be most of it. I'll let you figure out the rest on your own, as I consider that a learning experience for you. If you truly want to be more experienced, it's suggested to take classes on literature in school or learn from advanced writers, authors, and poets.
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Minecraft: The 12 Eyes of Darkness
Chapter 1: Awaking
12 year-old Steve woke up on a grassy field. He looked over and saw Alex, his 11 year-old sister, observing the strange world. He also saw his best friend, Tony, staring at some blocky Pig-Like creature. "Where are we?" Steve said out loud. His sister gleamed at him. "How do you expect us to know?!?" She replied. Tony pointed out a blocky chest in the distance. "We should go check that out", Tony suggested. Steve and Alex ran towards it. They opened the chest and found a scroll.
Alex read it out loud
"Welcome to Minecraftia. You must build a shelter, fight off dangers, and make sure you survive. You must start by going and punching that tree". Alex kept reading
"Your first task is to smash that wood logs that you punch out into wooden planks. Then, punch more trees, get more wood, smash more wood, and build a house out of wood". "Its a weird world. The day feels like 20 mins here. We should build a house before night" Alex claimed.
"Why?" Steve asked "Let me read more" Alex shouted
"If you don't build a shelter in time, things like living skeletons with bow and arrows and zombies will come out. To get out of this place, you have to get the eyes of the leaders of the 12 dimensions to activate the secret portal to the void realm where
"Who?" Steve wonders "All it says is "he" " Alex answers.
To be continued
.
[b]My Suggestions[/b]
Gloops and Glops!
Prepare for loads of sarcasm.
97% of teenagers would cry if they saw Justin Bieber on top of a tower about to jump. If your the 3% who is sitting there with popcorn screaming "DO A BACKFLIP", copy and paste this as your signature[/b]
Alex read it out loud
"Welcome to Minecraftia. You must build a shelter, fight off dangers, and make sure you survive. You must start by going and punching that tree". Alex kept reading
"Your first task is to smash that wood logs that you punch out into wooden planks. Then, punch more trees, get more wood, smash more wood, and build a house out of wood". "Its a weird world. The day feels like 20 mins here. We should build a house before night" Alex claimed.
"Why?" Steve asked "Let me read more" Alex shouted
"If you don't build a shelter in time, things like living skeletons with bow and arrows and zombies will come out. To get out of this place, you have to get the eyes of the leaders of the 12 dimensions to activate the secret portal to the void realm where
"Who?" Steve wonders "All it says is "he" " Alex answers.
--
Okay, so the blue text I've highlighted out above are partly/mostly errors you've made in your writing; I'll go through each of these texts. In return, please submit and write a longer story, or at least a lengthy chapter. Please don't express any negativity or feel that my feedback is just putting you down; most of the experienced writers on this forum are reliant on criticism and that's mostly how we learn from our mistakes.
In the first paragraph, your characters aren't descriptive at all, except for their age and relationship between each of them. Both Steve and Alex have an age and mutuality but Tony doesn't have an age described. I suggest replacing their age with their apparel and personality; it'll give a more thorough detail of your characters and it also helps the reader experience a little more character development. That's already enough to give your first chapter a 3/10, based on Kmandy's global ratings (lol).
"Tony, staring at some blocky Pig-Like creature". If you look at this text carefully, you'll notice that it's very weak of imagery and reasoning. We would like to know about your setting beforehand so that you have the viability to ease on the adjective "blocky". In order to have significance on this pig-like creature (which we already know is a pig by common sense), you need to add a little bit more detail to it. For example, you could write "Tony stared at the pink and derpy creature which had the nose of a cute pig.". I believe that you could make this pig into a more relative character to Tony such as a pet, as the term "derpy" could be more interesting than a normal pig itself. This also applies to the "blocky chest", which could be described much more than the pig. If the chest contains an importance, then shouldn't it be described of importance? Give your symbols, objects, and place some imagination for us to read, because like a texture pack (this is a simile, by the way), you gotta fill us in of what everything looks like. By refining your story, your story's rating off of Kmandy's system would likely be a 5/10 already, wow!
Last but not the least, you have incorrect tenses. "Tony suggested. Steve and Alex ran towards it." Do you see the problem there? Tony is in the past while Steve and Alex are presently doing something. Usually, this would only happen when a flashback or foreshadowing event occurs. There should also be a fix on your plurals and singulars, as the text "smash that wood logs that you punch out..." is not properly grammatical. In your writing, you should always have a past tense on either adverbs or verbs. This way, the reader will understand the context more. That should make your first chapter a 6/10 now. I'd rate it a 9/10, but your story is way too short and it's too cliche or very common.
That should be most of it. I'll let you figure out the rest on your own, as I consider that a learning experience for you. If you truly want to be more experienced, it's suggested to take classes on literature in school or learn from advanced writers, authors, and poets.