In the great kingdom of Ender, a land of pure black and void, were life was impossible, there was only a dragon. This dragon was Jeanis, trapped in this void she discovered Teleportation. and summoned herself to many worlds were she conquered them and destroyed all of it's life. This world was known as the Nether, and underground world full of civilization, until it was demolished by the dragon. Years passed, the dragon Jeanis built a kingdom of her own. This kingdom, was Ender.
The Endermen were born. Jeanis then forced them to be exiled to worlds so that she can build the kingdom, from the chunks they brought to the Enderrealm from the fragments they brought back. Soon the Endermen repopulated much much greater than before, and Ender became one of the most powerful kingdom of them all. That was until Grimeel.
An Enderling is born anew. Hes name was Grimeel. The Endermen new this one, would be different, a lot different from them all. The Enderdragon saw darkness in her eyes, and she was frightened by her presence, even though she was always so innocent. But the Enderdragon, removed her ability to teleport, which is the Endermen's greatest weapon. She was then exiled to live in the Earthrealm, were she will live forever, deprived from enter her home again. Grimeel didn't know this. She didn't know about her home, for she was too young when she was exiled. She almost forgot what her home looked like.
As Grimeel became a teen, she found a house, were there was a villager, Knight, who was kind enough to adopt this Enderling. He was a human. Oscar was a bit frightened by Grimeel, for she was an Enderwoman. He has killed several Endermen before, but was never thinking of adopting one. But she was still young, and the purple smoke were not protruding from her body, meaning she couldn't teleport. Her Enderpearl was missing. The Knight knew she wouldn't be of any harm.
Oscar taught her many things. She learned what earth objects she could eat, rotten flesh, raw chicken, but she prefered spider eyes. She learned how to use a shield and a sword. Weaponry was her favorite. She learned Archery, and learned to how to love. Oscar was like a father to Grimeel, and she was like a daughter to him. Oscar and grimeel hunted together, and fought righteous battles with the dark mobs of the undead, which have conquered the world of the humans. She traveled to large kingdoms, and cities, where she met many humans. An Endermen stalked her movements and immediately told the news to Jeanis...Jean wasn't proud. She sensed a lot of darkness coming from her presence, and from the news. So she must be removed from the humans.
Two Endermen, came to kidnap Grimeel that day. Oscar was defending her. The Endermen grabbed Grimeel and as it was about to teleport her, it was interrupted by Oscars mighty diamond sword, which sliced the Enderman's arm. The Enderman staired at Oscar with rage, emitting black smoke from it's mouth. (An enderman overheats itself when enraged). It grabbed Oscar and threw him towards a wall. Grimeel was defenseless, she didn't have any weapons to use at the moment. So she ran. Oscar got back up and decapitated the Enderman. The other used it's teleportation to attempt to trick Oscar. Oscar closed his eyes, and plunged his blade behind him, were there Enderman viciously teleported to. The Endermen roared it's shrieking roar. Oscar then chased after Grimeel, were And Ender man, separated them both. It crabbed and carried Oscar by his face, and drained his Life with the it's paralyzing gaze. And there layed Oscar on the floor. While Grimeel watched as the lifeless corpse lead it's last beat. The Enderman grabbed Grimeel and teleported to her to a jail cell, in an underground Stronghold. Were the rotting smell of rotten fless, and the walking creepers wandered aimlessly.
She stayed there for years and years, until something happened. A undead Knight followed her footsteps, and unlocked the door. And then he fell. To the floor. It was Oscar. He was given a second chance. Could it be so?
The same Enderman from before returned. And Grimeel go Oscars sword and stabbed him in the heart. His body flickered like a dying lightbulb, for he tried and tried to teleport away, but Grimeel kept him there until his purple blood left his body. She then grabbed his Enderpearl and teleported to Enderrealm, where he challenged Jeanis. There in the Enderrealm, there was already an army of Endermen to battle the traitor. She then ate the Enderpearl of the other Enderman, and regain her teleportation ability. She was ready. Ready to destroy the kingdom of Ender, which was once her home.
The Endermen Dashed at her, attempting to outnumber her, but they were no match for Orcar's diamond sword. The circled around her , and she spinned with the sword and sliced them all! Another came to her from behind, and she vanished behind it and stabbed it in the head and through his body to a crowd of others. She Sliced and Diced, and massacred all that opposed her, until there was only, her, the Enderdragon. It's time to make her pay.
The Mighty dragon breathed it's flames upon the girl. Grimeel rolled and teleported in midair, and plunging her sword to the dragons arms. The dragon roared as it wacked her with her tail. Her sword was still stuck on Jeanis's arm. Jeanis then grabbed the sword with it's mighty jaw. She wielded it.
"You were the cause of my life being ruined, why couldn't you just killed me when i was born?" Grimeel shouted
"...I don't know, i loved you, but i was afraid of you, You were so different from the other, and you have the capability to de-crown me! But no one must do so. The crown is rightfully mine, I RULE OVER ENDER! ARGGHHHH"
The mighty dragon breathed fire into Oscar's sword. And lunged at Grimeel. Grimeel jumped and grabbed the dragon's horns, and pummeled Jeanis's glowing eye. Jeanis cried. And shaked her off her head. Grimeel plummeted to the ground, hardly moving. The dragon swooped down and stabbed Grimeel in the chest with the sword she held with her mouth. Grimeel was lifeless. As soon as the Dragon removed the blade, Grimeel teleported. She had a final job to do. Jeanis cried as her men fell, and how Grimeel disappeared.
Grimeel returned to the stronghold, with her remaining blood, she thinks she might be able to make it. Her eye was missing. She went running towards the body of oscar, gasping as her blood spills to the floor, gasping and crying, the pain is so great, she then tripped over, and plummeted downwards to the floor. She crawled to reach her father's corpse, but her body gave it's final beat. She didn't make it. She just wanted to feel at home, she just wanted to die with on her father's side, so that she can truly prosper for once in her life... But she failed
The next time you visit the Stronghold again, and you see an eye of Ender in the Ender portal, remember,
Well, I must say, a refreshingly good read. Especially as we haven't really had anyone particularly promising join the community (not including returning members and new stuff released by longstanding members) since Nomolos1 and Sangiin. The plot was strong enough, picking up on the still rarely used idea of humans and endermen working together. (do I detect a hint of inspiration from 1Dani? Not an accusation or anything, it's still a good concept and you've put your own original spin on it.) I like that you didn't go the traditional route and just have Grimeel and Oscar fall in love to fill a check-list and the father-daughter relationship was a welcome variation from the formula. The only major flaw is that the grammer and slpelnig (irony bitches!) could use a bit of work, and perhaps it could have been longer, just to develop the characters more. But as a first effort and short story it works very well.
I'd give it a 7/10 overall. Don't stop writing.
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Another ender-like story. If I could list all the ender stories I've read so far, there'd be a whole new forum for "ender stories"
For the writing, you've done well on spelling, but you're not providing enough detail or explanation about sorts of information, such as Oscar. I'm not sure what to think about Oscar and his personality, neither on Grimeel.
Please keep writing, and refine your skills as usual.
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The Endermen were born. Jeanis then forced them to be exiled to worlds so that she can build the kingdom, from the chunks they brought to the Enderrealm from the fragments they brought back. Soon the Endermen repopulated much much greater than before, and Ender became one of the most powerful kingdom of them all. That was until Grimeel.
An Enderling is born anew. Hes name was Grimeel. The Endermen new this one, would be different, a lot different from them all. The Enderdragon saw darkness in her eyes, and she was frightened by her presence, even though she was always so innocent. But the Enderdragon, removed her ability to teleport, which is the Endermen's greatest weapon. She was then exiled to live in the Earthrealm, were she will live forever, deprived from enter her home again. Grimeel didn't know this. She didn't know about her home, for she was too young when she was exiled. She almost forgot what her home looked like.
As Grimeel became a teen, she found a house, were there was a villager, Knight, who was kind enough to adopt this Enderling. He was a human. Oscar was a bit frightened by Grimeel, for she was an Enderwoman. He has killed several Endermen before, but was never thinking of adopting one. But she was still young, and the purple smoke were not protruding from her body, meaning she couldn't teleport. Her Enderpearl was missing. The Knight knew she wouldn't be of any harm.
Oscar taught her many things. She learned what earth objects she could eat, rotten flesh, raw chicken, but she prefered spider eyes. She learned how to use a shield and a sword. Weaponry was her favorite. She learned Archery, and learned to how to love. Oscar was like a father to Grimeel, and she was like a daughter to him. Oscar and grimeel hunted together, and fought righteous battles with the dark mobs of the undead, which have conquered the world of the humans. She traveled to large kingdoms, and cities, where she met many humans. An Endermen stalked her movements and immediately told the news to Jeanis...Jean wasn't proud. She sensed a lot of darkness coming from her presence, and from the news. So she must be removed from the humans.
Two Endermen, came to kidnap Grimeel that day. Oscar was defending her. The Endermen grabbed Grimeel and as it was about to teleport her, it was interrupted by Oscars mighty diamond sword, which sliced the Enderman's arm. The Enderman staired at Oscar with rage, emitting black smoke from it's mouth. (An enderman overheats itself when enraged). It grabbed Oscar and threw him towards a wall. Grimeel was defenseless, she didn't have any weapons to use at the moment. So she ran. Oscar got back up and decapitated the Enderman. The other used it's teleportation to attempt to trick Oscar. Oscar closed his eyes, and plunged his blade behind him, were there Enderman viciously teleported to. The Endermen roared it's shrieking roar. Oscar then chased after Grimeel, were And Ender man, separated them both. It crabbed and carried Oscar by his face, and drained his Life with the it's paralyzing gaze. And there layed Oscar on the floor. While Grimeel watched as the lifeless corpse lead it's last beat. The Enderman grabbed Grimeel and teleported to her to a jail cell, in an underground Stronghold. Were the rotting smell of rotten fless, and the walking creepers wandered aimlessly.
She stayed there for years and years, until something happened. A undead Knight followed her footsteps, and unlocked the door. And then he fell. To the floor. It was Oscar. He was given a second chance. Could it be so?
The same Enderman from before returned. And Grimeel go Oscars sword and stabbed him in the heart. His body flickered like a dying lightbulb, for he tried and tried to teleport away, but Grimeel kept him there until his purple blood left his body. She then grabbed his Enderpearl and teleported to Enderrealm, where he challenged Jeanis. There in the Enderrealm, there was already an army of Endermen to battle the traitor. She then ate the Enderpearl of the other Enderman, and regain her teleportation ability. She was ready. Ready to destroy the kingdom of Ender, which was once her home.
The Endermen Dashed at her, attempting to outnumber her, but they were no match for Orcar's diamond sword. The circled around her , and she spinned with the sword and sliced them all! Another came to her from behind, and she vanished behind it and stabbed it in the head and through his body to a crowd of others. She Sliced and Diced, and massacred all that opposed her, until there was only, her, the Enderdragon. It's time to make her pay.
The Mighty dragon breathed it's flames upon the girl. Grimeel rolled and teleported in midair, and plunging her sword to the dragons arms. The dragon roared as it wacked her with her tail. Her sword was still stuck on Jeanis's arm. Jeanis then grabbed the sword with it's mighty jaw. She wielded it.
"You were the cause of my life being ruined, why couldn't you just killed me when i was born?" Grimeel shouted
"...I don't know, i loved you, but i was afraid of you, You were so different from the other, and you have the capability to de-crown me! But no one must do so. The crown is rightfully mine, I RULE OVER ENDER! ARGGHHHH"
The mighty dragon breathed fire into Oscar's sword. And lunged at Grimeel. Grimeel jumped and grabbed the dragon's horns, and pummeled Jeanis's glowing eye. Jeanis cried. And shaked her off her head. Grimeel plummeted to the ground, hardly moving. The dragon swooped down and stabbed Grimeel in the chest with the sword she held with her mouth. Grimeel was lifeless. As soon as the Dragon removed the blade, Grimeel teleported. She had a final job to do. Jeanis cried as her men fell, and how Grimeel disappeared.
Grimeel returned to the stronghold, with her remaining blood, she thinks she might be able to make it. Her eye was missing. She went running towards the body of oscar, gasping as her blood spills to the floor, gasping and crying, the pain is so great, she then tripped over, and plummeted downwards to the floor. She crawled to reach her father's corpse, but her body gave it's final beat. She didn't make it. She just wanted to feel at home, she just wanted to die with on her father's side, so that she can truly prosper for once in her life... But she failed
The next time you visit the Stronghold again, and you see an eye of Ender in the Ender portal, remember,
It was from Grimeel's.
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I'd give it a 7/10 overall. Don't stop writing.
Like fantasy? Like Minecraft? Check out a blend of the two here! Fall and a Rise: A Vanillacraft Tale!
Youtube Channel
OLD Youtube Channel
Twitter
DeviantArt
For the writing, you've done well on spelling, but you're not providing enough detail or explanation about sorts of information, such as Oscar. I'm not sure what to think about Oscar and his personality, neither on Grimeel.
Please keep writing, and refine your skills as usual.