I've been wandering this field for days. I'm so hungry. Everyone says to eat sheep, but I hate to kill another poor animal. I like the taste of mushroom stew. Someone has dropped it before, it was amazing. Today, I want to do something special. I always just walk around, aimlessly. I decide to go to the 'Pit of Wool'. Its a sheep club. They like me. Maybe they'll be happy to see me. I walk over to the club and music is blasting as usual. The bouncer greets me. "Hey! Come to dance? Drink? Or just plain party?", he says, obviously happy to see me. I smile and go inside. Sheep are dancing everywhere I look. Some have potions in their hands. A sheep I know as T comes up to me with a trey of potions in her left hand. "Hey! Is you're pack not worried?", she says with actual concern. I reply, "No. After they found me here they've shunned me.". She pats my head and hands me a potion. T knows I love invisibility. I smile. I'm worrying that my pack will come here for food and find me again. I don't know if they'd bother after the fight the sheep put up. I don't know why we can't all be friends.
As I ponder over the worst things that could happen T walks away. I feel like a double agent. Am I doing something wrong? "Hello! Are you the friendly wolf I keep hearing about?", I hear a small voice say. I looked down and saw a slightly small, skinny sheep looking at me. "Um...y-yes...Why are you-", I start. "Pink?", she interrupts. I nod. "I escaped from a farm", she explained, "They needed pink wool, but when they dyed me, I ran for my life.". "Why?", I ask. "I don't grow MY wool back for 2 years. It will become far too cold in the winters...", she says, almost grinning. "Well, I'm Percy", I say. "I'm Charlotte", she replies.
8:00 AM
I decided I needed to walk home. We lived under the big spruce tree. I love our home. It feels nice and shady. As I get home, I see two of my 'friends' waiting for me. "Hey, veggie boy! Did you bring anything home for me?", screamed one of them. I ignored him. "Hey, tomato bro! Get anything?", yelled the other. These two always made fun of me. But, when I had something, they'd ask for it. I walked to my small den made of bricks. I built in myself. I lied down. I heard a knock on the bricks. I looked up and saw Charlotte. "What are you doing here? They'll kill you!", I whispered, pulling her inside before anyone could see. "I wanted to come see you!", she whispered back, smiling. I stared at her. She was looking me in the eyes. "What happened?", I asked. Her grinned faded away. "I...my house burned", she said with a distant look in her eyes. "I'm so..", I began. "I burned it.", she said, "The farmer came back to get me....what else could I do?". "Oh. Why here?", I asked. "You're one of the only friends I have...", she said, looking down, "All the others were taken back by the farmer.". I frown. "Hey veggie!", I hear. "Stay here!", I whisper, running out to the voice. Of course they make fun of me some more. "Veggie boy!" "Cracker jack!" "***** cat!". I hate my pack, I wish I had somewhere to go like Charlotte. She looks like she hasn't eaten in days though. I wonder what she went through at the farm. Maybe the farmers would put her in a pen with other animals! It must've stunk! Pigs, all muddy and dirty! Gross! Or maybe she had a personal farmer who took care of her and her family by themselves! Maybe they were really nice and then left! Maybe there was a new and awful farmer! I can't imagine! I walk slowly walk back to my den and peek my head in the door. Charlotte is fast asleep. She must have ran for miles! I can only imagine what horror it was to see her life, her home, and her family gone! I hate my pack but.....I love them at the same time. I wonder how she feels.....she must be heart broken. Am I supposed to fix her wound? I can't! She needs to leave! She isn't a wolf! She isn't ANYTHING anymore! Why did she come to me? Why did I talk to her? WHY? WHY? WHY? Tears are beginning to form, I can feel them! I want to scream! I'll get in so much trouble! MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO KILL HER AND ME! I can't keep her here. I really can't....can I?
Grammar: Fine for the most part. In the first section, "died" should be "dyed."
Structure: Paragraphs should be used more liberally, especially for dialog. In the future, use spoilers to keep your post tidy as it expands.
Story: Interesting concept overall and believable characters and plot. The exception in believability would be Percy's wool taking two years to grow back, (I still don't blame her for wanting to run away, though). I encourage you to expand on the smaller details in your story to make it more immersive. Right now the pacing is rather fast, which makes the story feel less serious.
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I've been wandering this field for days. I'm so hungry. Everyone says to eat sheep, but I hate to kill another poor animal. I like the taste of mushroom stew. Someone has dropped it before, it was amazing. Today, I want to do something special. I always just walk around, aimlessly. I decide to go to the 'Pit of Wool'. Its a sheep club. They like me. Maybe they'll be happy to see me. I walk over to the club and music is blasting as usual. The bouncer greets me. "Hey! Come to dance? Drink? Or just plain party?", he says, obviously happy to see me. I smile and go inside. Sheep are dancing everywhere I look. Some have potions in their hands. A sheep I know as T comes up to me with a trey of potions in her left hand. "Hey! Is you're pack not worried?", she says with actual concern. I reply, "No. After they found me here they've shunned me.". She pats my head and hands me a potion. T knows I love invisibility. I smile. I'm worrying that my pack will come here for food and find me again. I don't know if they'd bother after the fight the sheep put up. I don't know why we can't all be friends.
As I ponder over the worst things that could happen T walks away. I feel like a double agent. Am I doing something wrong? "Hello! Are you the friendly wolf I keep hearing about?", I hear a small voice say. I looked down and saw a slightly small, skinny sheep looking at me. "Um...y-yes...Why are you-", I start. "Pink?", she interrupts. I nod. "I escaped from a farm", she explained, "They needed pink wool, but when they dyed me, I ran for my life.". "Why?", I ask. "I don't grow MY wool back for 2 years. It will become far too cold in the winters...", she says, almost grinning. "Well, I'm Percy", I say. "I'm Charlotte", she replies.
8:00 AM
I decided I needed to walk home. We lived under the big spruce tree. I love our home. It feels nice and shady. As I get home, I see two of my 'friends' waiting for me. "Hey, veggie boy! Did you bring anything home for me?", screamed one of them. I ignored him. "Hey, tomato bro! Get anything?", yelled the other. These two always made fun of me. But, when I had something, they'd ask for it. I walked to my small den made of bricks. I built in myself. I lied down. I heard a knock on the bricks. I looked up and saw Charlotte. "What are you doing here? They'll kill you!", I whispered, pulling her inside before anyone could see. "I wanted to come see you!", she whispered back, smiling. I stared at her. She was looking me in the eyes. "What happened?", I asked. Her grinned faded away. "I...my house burned", she said with a distant look in her eyes. "I'm so..", I began. "I burned it.", she said, "The farmer came back to get me....what else could I do?". "Oh. Why here?", I asked. "You're one of the only friends I have...", she said, looking down, "All the others were taken back by the farmer.". I frown. "Hey veggie!", I hear. "Stay here!", I whisper, running out to the voice. Of course they make fun of me some more. "Veggie boy!" "Cracker jack!" "***** cat!". I hate my pack, I wish I had somewhere to go like Charlotte. She looks like she hasn't eaten in days though. I wonder what she went through at the farm. Maybe the farmers would put her in a pen with other animals! It must've stunk! Pigs, all muddy and dirty! Gross! Or maybe she had a personal farmer who took care of her and her family by themselves! Maybe they were really nice and then left! Maybe there was a new and awful farmer! I can't imagine! I walk slowly walk back to my den and peek my head in the door. Charlotte is fast asleep. She must have ran for miles! I can only imagine what horror it was to see her life, her home, and her family gone! I hate my pack but.....I love them at the same time. I wonder how she feels.....she must be heart broken. Am I supposed to fix her wound? I can't! She needs to leave! She isn't a wolf! She isn't ANYTHING anymore! Why did she come to me? Why did I talk to her? WHY? WHY? WHY? Tears are beginning to form, I can feel them! I want to scream! I'll get in so much trouble! MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO KILL HER AND ME! I can't keep her here. I really can't....can I?
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I'm thinking about starting an art shop, but I dunno....
I'm thinking about starting an art shop, but I dunno....
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Curse PremiumStructure: Paragraphs should be used more liberally, especially for dialog. In the future, use spoilers to keep your post tidy as it expands.
Story: Interesting concept overall and believable characters and plot. The exception in believability would be Percy's wool taking two years to grow back, (I still don't blame her for wanting to run away, though). I encourage you to expand on the smaller details in your story to make it more immersive. Right now the pacing is rather fast, which makes the story feel less serious.