Hello! This is just going to be a small short story about two (or more...) Minecraftians playing minecraft who come across multiple problems and other things. I will try and write a chapter a week, hope you like it!
Book One
Gods Among Us
Chapter One
Book One
Gods Among Us
Chapter One
The thick leaves blocked the sunlight out making the forest a place of darkness even during the day. Two people stared at the forest with wooden axes in there hands, ready to fight the forest for ownership of this land.
"Ready Tips?" Red said.
"Yup!" Tips said and rushed forward.
"Hey wait up!" Red rushed forward and held his axe high and when he reached the forest he stopped suddenly and started chopped down the bottom block of the tree.
A few blocks away Tips did the same and when he finished cutting the bottom one he said as he looked at the now floating tree "Red, why won't the tree. Go timber?"
Red sighed and replied " Well Tips that's because The Notch guy never studied physics... Well he did study sand and gravel physics"
Tips nodded his head "Oh" he said. "Back to cutting" Red said and he and Tips started chopping again.
A few trees later...
"Red! My axe shattered!" Tips yelled and dropped the now shattered axe, it hit the ground and dissipated into nothingness.
"Well Notch the creator guy decided that things will break if you use it a ton like real life" Red replied and chopped down the top block of a tree and his axe shattered into nothingness.
"so Notch decided to make that one thing like reality... I sometimes hate that guy" Tips said.
"agreed, now let's head back home" Red said and turned around and started walking home "K" Tips said and turned around also and started sprinting towards home.
Soon Tips and Red saw there house, a small dirt hut with a wooden door. "Ready for bed?" Red asked as they stepped in their house.
"We have bed!?" Tips asked excitedly and looked around.
"no, I mean are you ready to sit down and wait for the night to be over" Red said and sat in a corner trying to sleep.
"oh... I'll be in this corner then" Tips said sadly and walked into the other corner and sat down slowly drifting off to sleep.
A few hours later...
"Let's go Tips we gotta go make some wooden picks and stuff and start mining" Red said and closed his eyes and concentrated hard until a loud popping sound appeared and a crafting table appeared in his hand. Red set down the table and placed his hands on it, soon a few tools appeared seemingly out of nowhere next to the crafting table.
“Okay” Tips said and grabbed a toolset making them disappear into his inventory.
Red did the same and said “Ready to mine?”
“Ya” Tips said and made his shovel appear in his hand as he dug right beneath him.
TIPS! Stop! We are going to mine over there!” Red yelled and pointed at a hill 20 blocks away.
“Oh, sorry” Tips said innocently placing blocks beneath him as he jumped up.
Tips and Red walked out of the hut and approached the hill and started mining, twenty blocks in Tips heard a loud rumble from beneath them. “Red, there’ a monster beneath us!” Tips yelled and ran out of the mine as fast as he could causing Red to laugh loudly.
“What you laughing at?” Tips asked and made his pickaxe disappear and his sword appear in his hand.
“Oh nothing, its just that that rumbling sound is your stomach” Red said as he laughed “Oh, so how do we get food” “Well we can kill animals for it” Red said as he made his pickaxe disappear into his inventory and his sword appear in his hand.
“Okay lets go hunting” Tips said and ran towards the plains.
After hunting in the plains for a few hours Red and Tips looked up at the sky, realizing that the sun was about to set. So using the small amount of dirt they had they made a small dirt hut with a 1x1 window to let in the moonlight, soon they heard the growling and hissing of the monsters outside, luckily no creeper noticed them. Soon they heard a new sound, high pitched screams that made Red and Tips shiver in fear.
“Where are those yells coming from!” Tips yelled as he held his hands over his ears.
“No clue!” Red yelled over the screeching. A few minutes later the screeching monsters seemed to have left but new ones came, ones that could teleport and grab blocks, these monsters quickly dismantled Red and Tips house and made a circle around them. They were twice as tall as Red and Tips, their bodies seemed to be stretched and the same with their legs and arms. Their heads had purple eyes and for mouths there were black slits that Red and Tips would soon realize made the screeching sound they heard earlier, purple dust floated around them as they stared at Red and Tips.
“Get ready Tips, pull out your sword” Red said, Tips and Red both made their wooden swords appear in their hands and got ready to fight these creatures. Instead of charging the creatures Red had named ‘Enderman’ started screeching until a taller slightly blue enderman appeared holding a man wearing pitch black armor with glowing white eyes, the blue enderman slowly set down the man with black armor “Welcome to Minecrad” he said as he pulled out a pitch black sword walking towards Red and Tips who had their swords raised in defense.
Before I talk about the story, the first part is focused solely on grammar errors because there is a lot of it.
------------
First things first: "Two people stared at the forest with wooden axes in [there] hands, ready to fight the forest for ownership of this land." -- Do you see the problem with this? You messed up [there] with [their]. http://www.diffen.co.../Their_vs_There <--
The second thing is your dialogue. Whenever you end a dialogue of one character and start one with another character, you should always start a new paragraph. It helps separate them and gives it a better look to the reader's eyes. And also because the Grammar Nazi demands it xD I'm just joking.
Ex.
"Ready Tips?" Red said[.]
"Yup!" Tips said and rushed forward.
"Hey[,] wait up!" Red rushed forward and held his axe high and when he reached the forest he stopped suddenly and started chopped down the bottom block of the tree.
A few blocks away[,] Tips did the same and when he finished cutting the bottom one he said as he looked at the now floating tree "Red, why won't the tree[] [go] timber?"
Red sighed and replied "Well[,] Tips that's because The Notch guy never studied physics... Well[,] he did study sand and gravel physics"
Tips nodded his head[.] "Oh[,]" he said.
"Back to cutting" Red said and he and Tips started chopping again.
The third thing (lol) is your tense. I'm glad that you stuck with past tense instead of switching from past to present. But check those grammars because sometimes it's just awkward. For example: "A few minutes later the screeching monsters [seemed to left] but new ones came,..."
Also, either you spelled Minecraft wrong or you somehow managed to make a SAO reference.
------------
Alright, back on track.
The first chapter itself--I'll be honest with you--is very boring. Barely anything happened. There wasn't really any character development of Red or Tips rather than that Tips is a complete dummy when it comes to MC and that Red is the more knowledgeable player. I just don't see the chemistry in these two (just yet). Throwing me in one short scene after another isn't very entertaining.
Perhaps there was some comedy into this, but it flew over my head or I understood and I just didn't laugh.
I recommend you to dig your nose into the thesaurus and learn some new vocabs. The repetition of verbs just killed it for me. Then there was the writing style in general. It was bland and showed no emotion whatsoever. The best way I can interpret this is: "This is what happened. Then here is the next scene. Here is another. Oh, there's conflict now."
Description is your best friend. Be nice to it and don't ignore it.
Anyways, yeah. That's what I thought of the first chapter. It wasn't good, but not the worst I've read. It's just boring and doesn't have a plot in general. Like I said, nothing happened. In this first chapter, I had no idea what the story was about. Even if it's a goofy story, there should always be point A and the characters have to get to point B. So I suggest you go and write out an outline for what's going to happen. It'll help you manage pacing (because the pacing was fast in this chapter) and getting your characters to their destination.
Good luck writing, my brother. Hope to see your improve ^-^
Before I talk about the story, the first part is focused solely on grammar errors because there is a lot of it.
------------
First things first: "Two people stared at the forest with wooden axes in [there] hands, ready to fight the forest for ownership of this land." -- Do you see the problem with this? You messed up [there] with [their]. http://www.diffen.co.../Their_vs_There <--
The second thing is your dialogue. Whenever you end a dialogue of one character and start one with another character, you should always start a new paragraph. It helps separate them and gives it a better look to the reader's eyes. And also because the Grammar Nazi demands it xD I'm just joking.
Ex.
"Ready Tips?" Red said[.]
"Yup!" Tips said and rushed forward.
"Hey[,] wait up!" Red rushed forward and held his axe high and when he reached the forest he stopped suddenly and started chopped down the bottom block of the tree.
A few blocks away[,] Tips did the same and when he finished cutting the bottom one he said as he looked at the now floating tree "Red, why won't the tree[] [go] timber?"
Red sighed and replied "Well[,] Tips that's because The Notch guy never studied physics... Well[,] he did study sand and gravel physics"
Tips nodded his head[.] "Oh[,]" he said.
"Back to cutting" Red said and he and Tips started chopping again.
The third thing (lol) is your tense. I'm glad that you stuck with past tense instead of switching from past to present. But check those grammars because sometimes it's just awkward. For example: "A few minutes later the screeching monsters [seemed to left] but new ones came,..."
Also, either you spelled Minecraft wrong or you somehow managed to make a SAO reference.
------------
Alright, back on track.
The first chapter itself--I'll be honest with you--is very boring. Barely anything happened. There wasn't really any character development of Red or Tips rather than that Tips is a complete dummy when it comes to MC and that Red is the more knowledgeable player. I just don't see the chemistry in these two (just yet). Throwing me in one short scene after another isn't very entertaining.
Perhaps there was some comedy into this, but it flew over my head or I understood and I just didn't laugh.
I recommend you to dig your nose into the thesaurus and learn some new vocabs. The repetition of verbs just killed it for me. Then there was the writing style in general. It was bland and showed no emotion whatsoever. The best way I can interpret this is: "This is what happened. Then here is the next scene. Here is another. Oh, there's conflict now."
Description is your best friend. Be nice to it and don't ignore it.
Anyways, yeah. That's what I thought of the first chapter. It wasn't good, but not the worst I've read. It's just boring and doesn't have a plot in general. Like I said, nothing happened. In this first chapter, I had no idea what the story was about. Even if it's a goofy story, there should always be point A and the characters have to get to point B. So I suggest you go and write out an outline for what's going to happen. It'll help you manage pacing (because the pacing was fast in this chapter) and getting your characters to their destination.
Good luck writing, my brother. Hope to see your improve ^-^
This is pretty much all I would have had to say. I didn't know whether or not to take your story as seriously a first, though.
If that's what we're going for, then I'd have to agree with all the points made by Ikerot. I can understand if this was meant to be a lighthearted, simplistic romp through the world of Minecraft; and up until the last sentence, I would have been able to say that with no doubt. However, if you intend to turn this story from "A day in the life" narrative to one with an actual storyline, then you need to make the aspects of the character's themselves more gripping.
Again, Red and Tips aren't very interesting. What do I mean by that? Or, more specifically, in what ways am I implying that they can improve?
They're completely one-dimensional. They only have one facet to their personalities that we ever see. Characters with multiple dimensions are interesting, and entertaining. Main characters with only one are okay at first, but they get grating after a while because that's the only thing that we ever see about them.
I think I've mentioned this before with you, but one of the most important parts of a character is being able to see how their various different personality traits work off the world they find themselves in, as well as how they work off the other characters. I mean, yeah, you showed a bit of that, but none of it really felt dynamic because it was more or less the same personality traits being exploited over and over again.
You see where I'm going with this? Your characters need more depth if they're going to be the centerpiece of the story, because if they remain so stale and unchanging the story will just get repetitive. Now, how do I suggest you improve?
Start off small, add more to your characters. Give them more interesting personas. Tips, for example, only has one real part of his personality we've actually seen. He's a reckless, innocent kid who doesn't know any better. I could literally put an add in the paper asking for any starving artist to make me a character like that, and they would be just as, if not more successful.
Make him and Red unique, give them traits that make them your own, that make them different from the norm. This is the hardest part, because you have to find your own way to make them interesting to US, the demanding, cruel readers.
I'm sorry if this sounds Brutal, which it likely does. But keep in mind, I'm only saying this because I want you to improve. Moreover, I want the story to improve, as well. Make it something worth reading, something unique.
Chapter One
Book One
Gods Among Us
Chapter One
The thick leaves blocked the sunlight out making the forest a place of darkness even during the day. Two people stared at the forest with wooden axes in there hands, ready to fight the forest for ownership of this land.
"Ready Tips?" Red said.
"Yup!" Tips said and rushed forward.
"Hey wait up!" Red rushed forward and held his axe high and when he reached the forest he stopped suddenly and started chopped down the bottom block of the tree.
A few blocks away Tips did the same and when he finished cutting the bottom one he said as he looked at the now floating tree "Red, why won't the tree. Go timber?"
Red sighed and replied " Well Tips that's because The Notch guy never studied physics... Well he did study sand and gravel physics"
Tips nodded his head "Oh" he said. "Back to cutting" Red said and he and Tips started chopping again.
A few trees later...
"Red! My axe shattered!" Tips yelled and dropped the now shattered axe, it hit the ground and dissipated into nothingness.
"Well Notch the creator guy decided that things will break if you use it a ton like real life" Red replied and chopped down the top block of a tree and his axe shattered into nothingness.
"so Notch decided to make that one thing like reality... I sometimes hate that guy" Tips said.
"agreed, now let's head back home" Red said and turned around and started walking home "K" Tips said and turned around also and started sprinting towards home.
Soon Tips and Red saw there house, a small dirt hut with a wooden door. "Ready for bed?" Red asked as they stepped in their house.
"We have bed!?" Tips asked excitedly and looked around.
"no, I mean are you ready to sit down and wait for the night to be over" Red said and sat in a corner trying to sleep.
"oh... I'll be in this corner then" Tips said sadly and walked into the other corner and sat down slowly drifting off to sleep.
A few hours later...
"Let's go Tips we gotta go make some wooden picks and stuff and start mining" Red said and closed his eyes and concentrated hard until a loud popping sound appeared and a crafting table appeared in his hand. Red set down the table and placed his hands on it, soon a few tools appeared seemingly out of nowhere next to the crafting table.
“Okay” Tips said and grabbed a toolset making them disappear into his inventory.
Red did the same and said “Ready to mine?”
“Ya” Tips said and made his shovel appear in his hand as he dug right beneath him.
TIPS! Stop! We are going to mine over there!” Red yelled and pointed at a hill 20 blocks away.
“Oh, sorry” Tips said innocently placing blocks beneath him as he jumped up.
Tips and Red walked out of the hut and approached the hill and started mining, twenty blocks in Tips heard a loud rumble from beneath them. “Red, there’ a monster beneath us!” Tips yelled and ran out of the mine as fast as he could causing Red to laugh loudly.
“What you laughing at?” Tips asked and made his pickaxe disappear and his sword appear in his hand.
“Oh nothing, its just that that rumbling sound is your stomach” Red said as he laughed “Oh, so how do we get food” “Well we can kill animals for it” Red said as he made his pickaxe disappear into his inventory and his sword appear in his hand.
“Okay lets go hunting” Tips said and ran towards the plains.
After hunting in the plains for a few hours Red and Tips looked up at the sky, realizing that the sun was about to set. So using the small amount of dirt they had they made a small dirt hut with a 1x1 window to let in the moonlight, soon they heard the growling and hissing of the monsters outside, luckily no creeper noticed them. Soon they heard a new sound, high pitched screams that made Red and Tips shiver in fear.
“Where are those yells coming from!” Tips yelled as he held his hands over his ears.
“No clue!” Red yelled over the screeching. A few minutes later the screeching monsters seemed to have left but new ones came, ones that could teleport and grab blocks, these monsters quickly dismantled Red and Tips house and made a circle around them. They were twice as tall as Red and Tips, their bodies seemed to be stretched and the same with their legs and arms. Their heads had purple eyes and for mouths there were black slits that Red and Tips would soon realize made the screeching sound they heard earlier, purple dust floated around them as they stared at Red and Tips.
“Get ready Tips, pull out your sword” Red said, Tips and Red both made their wooden swords appear in their hands and got ready to fight these creatures. Instead of charging the creatures Red had named ‘Enderman’ started screeching until a taller slightly blue enderman appeared holding a man wearing pitch black armor with glowing white eyes, the blue enderman slowly set down the man with black armor “Welcome to Minecrad” he said as he pulled out a pitch black sword walking towards Red and Tips who had their swords raised in defense.
[/size]
Please leave comments below.
Woop. Unimportant stuff here.
Woop. Unimportant stuff here.
Woop. Unimportant stuff here.
First things first: "Two people stared at the forest with wooden axes in [there] hands, ready to fight the forest for ownership of this land." -- Do you see the problem with this? You messed up [there] with [their]. http://www.diffen.co.../Their_vs_There <--
The second thing is your dialogue. Whenever you end a dialogue of one character and start one with another character, you should always start a new paragraph. It helps separate them and gives it a better look to the reader's eyes. And also because the Grammar Nazi demands it xD I'm just joking.
Ex.
"Yup!" Tips said and rushed forward.
"Hey[,] wait up!" Red rushed forward and held his axe high and when he reached the forest he stopped suddenly and started chopped down the bottom block of the tree.
A few blocks away[,] Tips did the same and when he finished cutting the bottom one he said as he looked at the now floating tree "Red, why won't the tree[] [go] timber?"
Red sighed and replied "Well[,] Tips that's because The Notch guy never studied physics... Well[,] he did study sand and gravel physics"
Tips nodded his head[.] "Oh[,]" he said.
"Back to cutting" Red said and he and Tips started chopping again.
The third thing (lol) is your tense. I'm glad that you stuck with past tense instead of switching from past to present. But check those grammars because sometimes it's just awkward. For example: "A few minutes later the screeching monsters [seemed to left] but new ones came,..."
Also, either you spelled Minecraft wrong or you somehow managed to make a SAO reference.
Alright, back on track.
The first chapter itself--I'll be honest with you--is very boring. Barely anything happened. There wasn't really any character development of Red or Tips rather than that Tips is a complete dummy when it comes to MC and that Red is the more knowledgeable player. I just don't see the chemistry in these two (just yet). Throwing me in one short scene after another isn't very entertaining.
Perhaps there was some comedy into this, but it flew over my head or I understood and I just didn't laugh.
I recommend you to dig your nose into the thesaurus and learn some new vocabs. The repetition of verbs just killed it for me. Then there was the writing style in general. It was bland and showed no emotion whatsoever. The best way I can interpret this is: "This is what happened. Then here is the next scene. Here is another. Oh, there's conflict now."
Description is your best friend. Be nice to it and don't ignore it.
Anyways, yeah. That's what I thought of the first chapter. It wasn't good, but not the worst I've read. It's just boring and doesn't have a plot in general. Like I said, nothing happened. In this first chapter, I had no idea what the story was about. Even if it's a goofy story, there should always be point A and the characters have to get to point B. So I suggest you go and write out an outline for what's going to happen. It'll help you manage pacing (because the pacing was fast in this chapter) and getting your characters to their destination.
Good luck writing, my brother. Hope to see your improve ^-^
This is pretty much all I would have had to say. I didn't know whether or not to take your story as seriously a first, though.
If that's what we're going for, then I'd have to agree with all the points made by Ikerot. I can understand if this was meant to be a lighthearted, simplistic romp through the world of Minecraft; and up until the last sentence, I would have been able to say that with no doubt. However, if you intend to turn this story from "A day in the life" narrative to one with an actual storyline, then you need to make the aspects of the character's themselves more gripping.
Again, Red and Tips aren't very interesting. What do I mean by that? Or, more specifically, in what ways am I implying that they can improve?
They're completely one-dimensional. They only have one facet to their personalities that we ever see. Characters with multiple dimensions are interesting, and entertaining. Main characters with only one are okay at first, but they get grating after a while because that's the only thing that we ever see about them.
I think I've mentioned this before with you, but one of the most important parts of a character is being able to see how their various different personality traits work off the world they find themselves in, as well as how they work off the other characters. I mean, yeah, you showed a bit of that, but none of it really felt dynamic because it was more or less the same personality traits being exploited over and over again.
You see where I'm going with this? Your characters need more depth if they're going to be the centerpiece of the story, because if they remain so stale and unchanging the story will just get repetitive. Now, how do I suggest you improve?
Start off small, add more to your characters. Give them more interesting personas. Tips, for example, only has one real part of his personality we've actually seen. He's a reckless, innocent kid who doesn't know any better. I could literally put an add in the paper asking for any starving artist to make me a character like that, and they would be just as, if not more successful.
Make him and Red unique, give them traits that make them your own, that make them different from the norm. This is the hardest part, because you have to find your own way to make them interesting to US, the demanding, cruel readers.
I'm sorry if this sounds Brutal, which it likely does. But keep in mind, I'm only saying this because I want you to improve. Moreover, I want the story to improve, as well. Make it something worth reading, something unique.
Something that only you could make.
I will write Chapter Two with these tips in mind, but first *sticks nose in thesuras*
Woop. Unimportant stuff here.