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Quote from TheGreyBlade

this is so far its going to be updated as it moves along.



Minecraft
The Story
By:TheGreyBlade



Chapter 1: What a strange place!



As Chris awoke he felt as if he had been washed away onto a blank, barren beach, as sounds of waves filled the sky. "What is this blocky land I have landed on?". Chris said in curiosity. As he traveled further and further through a wet jungle filled with what seemed like no life Try adding more detail here. Noone will be impressed if you just say the character walks through a jungle. Just the trees being gently pushed by wind. Then out of no where a voice yelled " HEY!!!!!!! THAT YOU CHRIS?!?!" It was his friend John who had been in this awkward world longer than Chris had been If Chris just arrived how would he know who John was and how he had already been wherever he was located for awhile?. "Thank god I found you. Monsters roam the nights here we should make wooden tools, and a sturdy house to help us live our lives here." More description and grammar corrections here.





Chapter 2: Building all day.



As Chris ran across the plains in search of wood his curly brown hair blew in the wind. His black jacket and blue undershirt had the same orange crest design and his jeans were sandy from the beach Good use of description here. "Hey John any luck with wood?" said Chris. "Yeah I'm making a home wanna help?" said John. " WHAT!!!! for how long have you been making a house?!?! These amount of exclamation and question marks are not needed. Just one of each is fine." Yelled Chris. John replied, 20 minutes, Just come help me." John had parted black hair with a striped T-shirt and had black pants. By sunset They had made a house, tools which included a wood sword, hoe, axe, and pickaxe Space after commas. Space after commas. Remember that. A green creature outside their house starting hissing.




Chapter 3

A little too close for comfort.




As the green thing came closer it started to "ssssssssss". It blew up a crater that was as big as two people. There was alot more green things. " I think I'll name them Creepers." So a green thing just comes up to them, starts hissing, explodes, and Chris says "I think I'll name them creepers". At least say why he names them creepers. said Chris. "Ok great but now we should really take swords and kill it!" replied John. As it came closer John and Chris jumped out and both stabbed two creepers. John stabbed, sliced, and beheaded tons of them. Chris just screamed as he took his sword running through the herd of creepers randomly slicing away. I hardly think two confused people in a entire new land with messed up physics would be this adept at using swords. "AHHHHHHHH!" hollered John. An arrow had been stuck in his back. A skeleton shot him! Chris came running up sliced the skeletons ribs clean off. He picked up John and went back home. What I'd do here is try to have the characters attempt to converse with eachother. Something like John is making wounded noises and Chris is reassuring him that he'll make it.

Quote from Immortus

Hi there.

Before I found this bit of your story, I actually posted this on you 'Chapter 3', but figured since this is the thread you're compiling everything to you might be more likely to read it here. Anyway, onto my thoughts.

Grammar wise, you might want to and read through it to check. Things seem to be spelled correctly, but you should remember that for every new speaker you need to have a new line. Also, try to avoid putting lots of exclamation marks onto the end of sentences, as simply one will be enough. There are lots of ways to express loudness, for example CAPITALS, italics, and verbs that express voice such as 'he roared', 'he yelled' etc.

Now, about the writing itself. My first point is that the chapters are very short. One reason perhaps is that they all feature perhaps just one event each, split up. Chapters should have a few events going on rather than the one. I'll say you could safely compile all the chapters you have into one chapter, and then add some more. This would mean you'll have longer chapters, and less adding to do should you wish to add to them.

My second point would be the story lacks a lot of description and action. I know you describe Chris and John, but you should also take into acount their surroundings; describe where they are in detail, whether it's a forest, a desert, a town etc. In fact, I'd say you should dedicate at least one medium length paragraph (or more) to vividly building images about the surroundings, using similes, adjectives, and all sorts of other cool things to get your point across. Imagine you are a painter; painting a landscape not with paints, but with words. You've made a world, now you gotta colour it in.

Now, character wise. To be honest, I don't really feel your characters at the moment. Of course you describe them to us, but right now I can't really sense their feelings. Like, when Chris and John see the creepers, how do they feel? Are they angry? Are they scared? Are they trembling in fear or quivering in anticipation? What thoughts are going through their heads?

That bit where John gets shot by the Skeleton, use that! Describe how Chris ran back into battle, his strength renewed by fury that his best friend has fallen, how he vicously and with a vengeance hacked his way through the ranks of monsters. Write about the pain that John felt, and how exhausted, how tired they were, when finally the battle stopped because Chris had killed all the monsters. A good way to practice to describe action sequences like that is to watch films and try to describe what happens in details.

About the characters, we also know almost nothing about them. Are John and Chris friends? Are they brothers? What is their story? A good way to write character backstory is to reveal a little about their history at a time. You got character outlines, now you need to fill them in.

Now, really my final point would be that this story just needs more; more description, more action, more filler sentences at extend the length and pace the whole thing. In writing it's often the small things that add depth and a feeling of actually being there with the characters. A glance, a pause, a nervous swallow; things that portray emotion, such as guilt, anger, love, fear. A good way to get into lengthening paragraphs with filler things like these is to grab a book, any good book, and read, analysing the writing and what kind of words the author uses.

Every story has the potential to be a great story. This one just needs some improvement. Best of luck to you, and I'll hold you'll continue writing and continue improving. Enjoy.

~ Immortus