What would happen if everything you knew changed - not for the better, but for worse?
Prologue:
August 17th, 2008
Markus Persson stepped out of his house. It was a new day. What could go wrong?
Everything.
He was on his way to the local science fair - an opportunity to find out the new gaming tech.
----
The science fair was more of a convention. It had the booths like E3, the really nice buildings, and the big crowds - 5,000 people.
Markus didn't see much of any interest, but he did notice a small booth with no attention drawn to it named "The Eternal Source Code."
The booth was cheaply constructed, which was the first bad sign. The sign was written dyslexic. Another bad sign. And to seal the bad sign deal, there was no visuals, unless you count drawings.
Markus didn't know what came over him, but he decided to go to the booth.
"What can I help you with?" the presenter asked. "Wait - let me guess. You need directions to a better booth. Well save it!"
"Actually," Markus explained, "I want to check this out. So what's this about an Eternal Source Code?"
"I was always wondering how the universe was created," the presenter started, "and I went over the basic religious ideas - Christianity, Judism, Bhudism, all of them. Then it hit me. There was a source code - that was the building blocks of the universe, and they were created somehow. I looked, and there was nothing until I went back to my time. I realize that I created that source code. I won't get into it, but I decided to create a gadget that changes the source code - for better or worse. Want to try it?"
"Is it safe?"
"Don't worry. I've tested it a few times, and I'm fine." His right eye twitched.
Markus switched on the machine, which buzzed for a while. Suddenly, it sounded a voice.
"What would you like to do?"
"Switch Markus Persson to 1918."
The machine stopped doing anything.
"Switch Markus Persson to 1918!"
He angrily hit the machine.
"Sending to 1919191919191919..." It powered down, but not before shocking Markus, teleporting him to an unknown source code.
It's been a while since I've done this. But why not? I appreciate a story that has a good pun as the title on occasion. My impressions:
What would happen if everything you knew changed - not for the better, but for worse?
Now first of all, it would be much easier to read and more conventional if you just left-aligned everything rather than centering things. Generally, in literature, centering is reserved for credits and titles while left-alignment is used for almost everything else. Just a stylistic choice, but (not to offend you here, since it was probably just a simple mistake) unorthodox formatting can do wonders to alienate readers.
Also, the hyphen can be replaced by a space and it should be 'for THE worse'. Starting off with a question to engage the reader is original and intriguing, however, so I commend you on that.
Prologue:
August 17th, 2008
Markus Persson stepped out of his house. It was a new day. What could go wrong?
Everything.
He was on his way to the local science fair - an opportunity to find out the new gaming tech.
What? Is this really a 'science fair', or something else? Because I've participated in several science fairs, and even at the highest grade levels they rarely go so far as to develop new technology, which is both expensive and difficult. Perhaps you should specify what grade level of a science fair this is, or change it entirely and just call it a 'product unveiling' by a major software corporation. Also, it wouldn't hurt to describe what his surroundings look like and how he's feeling, rather than just flatly state where he's going and be done with it.
----
The science fair was more of a convention.
Again, I'm not trying to offend you here, but do you know what a 'science fair' is? It isn't anything like a software convention. It's where students present experiments they've worked on. Perhaps you should just omit the branding of 'science fair' altogether and say it was a convention.
It had the booths like E3, the really nice buildings, and the big crowds - 5,000 people.
Well, I have to say, I wish 5,000 people had come to my science fair.
Markus didn't see much of any interest, but he did notice a small booth with no attention drawn to it named "The Eternal Source Code."
The booth was cheaply constructed, which was the first bad sign.
What? Did he make his own? Because booths are usually provided standard at conventions. And why is that a bad sign? He didn't make it himself, did he? After reading onward, it seems like you wanted to start something by saying his booth was badly constructed, implying that he had dyslexia and saying he had no "visuals" in his booth, but you forgot about it or somethign and it was never continued.
The sign was written dyslexic.
Apparently it wasn't "written in dyslexic", because, for one, 'dyslexic' is not a language (say "it appearedto have been written by a person with dyslexia, because the letters were switched occasionally", and for two, I could not find a single spelling mistake in the name. If it is misspelled, just write it in a misspelled fashion. Otherwise it appears correct but then you contradict yourself by saying it isn't.
Another bad sign. And to seal the bad sign deal, there was no visuals, unless you count drawings.
"There WERE no visuals". And . . . drawings are defined as 'visuals' to most people. perhaps you should describe these drawings more, and elaborate.
Markus didn't know what came over him, but he decided to go to the booth.
"What can I help you with?" the presenter asked. "Wait - let me guess. You need directions to a better booth. Well save it!"
Call it personal bias, but I've never heard a person say that at a Science Fair. On the contrary, they're usually avaricious for attention by the judges when they come to their booth.
"Actually," Markus explained, "I want to check this out. So what's this about an Eternal Source Code?"
"I was always wondering how the universe was created," the presenter started, "and I went over the basic religious ideas - Christianity, Judism, Bhudism, all of them.
You misspelled the last two. It's "Judaism" and "Buddhism". And, just a word of advice, I wouldn't talk to much about religion here. It's fine if it has a purpose but it's controversial and it doesn't seem necessary. It's much better tact, if naming specific religions isn't necessary, to just mention religions by the blanket term 'religion' instead of naming individual ones.
Then it hit me. There was a source code - that was the building blocks of the universe, and they were created somehow.
What?
I looked, and there was nothing until I went back to my time.
What? He went back in time? Is this a metaphor, because I don't understand.
I realize that I created that source code. I won't get into it,
For the sake of making it easier for readers to understand what you mean, I'd advise you do "get into it".
but I decided to create a gadget that changes the source code - for better or worse. Want to try it?"
You haven't explained what a "source code" is or
"Is it safe?"
"Don't worry. I've tested it a few times, and I'm fine." His right eye twitched.
What does his right eye twitching have to do with anything? And what does this device do? And why is Notch believing any of this? From the looks of it the man appears to be a bad carpenter, a person with dyslexia (nothing wrong with that) and a bad artist to top it off. Generally, when there are that man major unanswered questions in a story, you should elaborate more or try to answer them in full later on.
Markus switched on the machine, which buzzed for a while. Suddenly, it sounded a voice.
What does the machine look like?
"What would you like to do?"
"Switch Markus Persson to 1918."
How does he know the commands?
The machine stopped doing anything.
"Switch Markus Persson to 1918!"
He angrily hit the machine.
This is the same "Notch" who designed Minecraft, we're talking about, right? The same "Notch" who is a professional software programmer and who spent years laboring over this game and fine-tuning all the code? Because if so, i think he'd have a little more patience with electronics not working on the first try . . .
"Sending to 1919191919191919..." It powered down, but not before shocking Markus, teleporting him to an unknown source code.
What would happen to him?
Is this last sentence written from his point of view or not? It seems out of place and I'd suggest removing it, because it implies you either want someone else to continue the story for you (such stories almost always fail because of lack of community participation) or you want guesses as to what would happen (which is okay, but your meaning is vague enough that people might not realize that's what you mean at first glance)
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
Great job posting all his mistakes. I bet that helped his confidence.
If I don't tell him what he could do to improve, he won't improve. I don't think I did it in a particularly scathing way, and if no one tells him he'll never learn. I was trying to help him become a better writer. Nowhere did I insult him or tell him his story was objectively bad. :/
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
You pointed out every mistake he made. Real nice. Pretty insulting.
I tried to tell him how he could improve. I even said some nice things about his story. What was I supposed to do? Perhaps I could have been slightly less methodical but I didn't belittle him at all or anything. There are worse critics here than me.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
If I don't tell him what he could do to improve, he won't improve. I don't think I did it in a particularly scathing way, and if no one tells him he'll never learn. I was trying to help him become a better writer. Nowhere did I insult him or tell him his story was objectively bad. :/
Exactly. False praise in the end helps no one. I don't enjoy making people feel bad about their writing. I'll admit I might have been a little harsh on this review but I was only trying, as many writers do, to help another writer improve their writing. I don't see what the alternative is.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
You could just post ou made a few mistakes. I am very offended If this happens. I personally think its stubborn not to see an alternate way
I was only going to, but I wanted to help him. And you shouldn't be offended. It's not a personal insult if someone points out your mistakes. They're usually just trying to help you. And there is no real alternative that involves them learning to be a better writer. I'm not trying to insult him or anyone else by posting their mistakes, I'm just trying to help them. People have criticized my writing before, and I've thanked them for it, because they taught me how to become a better writer.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
You could just post ou made a few mistakes. I am very offended If this happens. I personally think its stubborn not to see an alternate way
The alternate ways would to be to praise him, giving false confidence.
Ignore him, killing confidence.
Criticize him, hurting confidence... Rock takes a lot of pressure before it can become a diamond.
The alternate ways would to be to praise him, giving false confidence.
Ignore him, killing confidence.
Criticize him, hurting confidence... Rock takes a lot of pressure before it can become a diamond.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
I was only going to, but I wanted to help him. And you shouldn't be offended. It's not a personal insult if someone points out your mistakes. They're usually just trying to help you. And there is no real alternative that involves them learning to be a better writer. I'm not trying to insult him or anyone else by posting their mistakes, I'm just trying to help them. People have criticized my writing before, and I've thanked them for it, because they taught me how to become a better writer.
He's actually correct.
It's no insult to help improve someone's writing skills. Him pointing out his mistakes gives him a feeling of: "Oh, I did that wrong, well, I can learn from my mistakes and do better next time!" It shouldn't appear as an insult to him. Plus, he did say in his reply that he wasn't trying to be mean. Not saying anything gives the writer a sense that his writing is perfectly fine and doesn't need to be changed. That, to me, is an insult. When someone points out a mistake to me in a writing piece I write, i'm actually VERY grateful because then I can go back and fix it and learn not to do it again. He just wants him to be a greater writer, and that's perfectly fine.
It's no insult to help improve someone's writing skills. Him pointing out his mistakes gives him a feeling of: "Oh, I did that wrong, well, I can learn from my mistakes and do better next time!" It shouldn't appear as an insult to him. Plus, he did say in his reply that he wasn't trying to be mean. Not saying anything gives the writer a sense that his writing is perfectly fine and doesn't need to be changed. That, to me, is an insult. When someone points out a mistake to me in a writing piece I write, i'm actually VERY grateful because then I can go back and fix it and learn not to do it again. He just wants him to be a greater writer, and that's perfectly fine.
Yes. It's far, far better to actually tell someone their mistakes and help them become a better writer than to give them false compliments. Because eventually, some one somewhere down the line will tell them their mistakes, and if you do it now you're doing them a favor.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
Yes. It's far, far better to actually tell someone their mistakes and help them become a better writer than to give them false compliments. Because eventually, some one somewhere down the line will tell them their mistakes, and if you do it now you're doing them a favor.
Oh. I didn't understand what you meant at first. But yes, in the end too many people not telling you your mistakes only hurts your writing skills. It's not a personal insult. It's just other writers trying to help you become a better writer.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
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August 17th, 2008
Everything.
The booth was cheaply constructed, which was the first bad sign. The sign was written dyslexic. Another bad sign. And to seal the bad sign deal, there was no visuals, unless you count drawings.
"Actually," Markus explained, "I want to check this out. So what's this about an Eternal Source Code?"
"I was always wondering how the universe was created," the presenter started, "and I went over the basic religious ideas - Christianity, Judism, Bhudism, all of them. Then it hit me. There was a source code - that was the building blocks of the universe, and they were created somehow. I looked, and there was nothing until I went back to my time. I realize that I created that source code. I won't get into it, but I decided to create a gadget that changes the source code - for better or worse. Want to try it?"
"Is it safe?"
"Don't worry. I've tested it a few times, and I'm fine." His right eye twitched.
"Switch Markus Persson to 1918."
He angrily hit the machine.
----
MCF Name:
Minecraft Name:
Age:
Skin (picture allowed):
Other:
~THETOONTOWNSIRLUCAS~
Now first of all, it would be much easier to read and more conventional if you just left-aligned everything rather than centering things. Generally, in literature, centering is reserved for credits and titles while left-alignment is used for almost everything else. Just a stylistic choice, but (not to offend you here, since it was probably just a simple mistake) unorthodox formatting can do wonders to alienate readers.
Also, the hyphen can be replaced by a space and it should be 'for THE worse'. Starting off with a question to engage the reader is original and intriguing, however, so I commend you on that.
August 17th, 2008
Everything.
What? Is this really a 'science fair', or something else? Because I've participated in several science fairs, and even at the highest grade levels they rarely go so far as to develop new technology, which is both expensive and difficult. Perhaps you should specify what grade level of a science fair this is, or change it entirely and just call it a 'product unveiling' by a major software corporation. Also, it wouldn't hurt to describe what his surroundings look like and how he's feeling, rather than just flatly state where he's going and be done with it.
Again, I'm not trying to offend you here, but do you know what a 'science fair' is? It isn't anything like a software convention. It's where students present experiments they've worked on. Perhaps you should just omit the branding of 'science fair' altogether and say it was a convention.
Well, I have to say, I wish 5,000 people had come to my science fair.
What? Did he make his own? Because booths are usually provided standard at conventions. And why is that a bad sign? He didn't make it himself, did he? After reading onward, it seems like you wanted to start something by saying his booth was badly constructed, implying that he had dyslexia and saying he had no "visuals" in his booth, but you forgot about it or somethign and it was never continued.
Apparently it wasn't "written in dyslexic", because, for one, 'dyslexic' is not a language (say "it appearedto have been written by a person with dyslexia, because the letters were switched occasionally", and for two, I could not find a single spelling mistake in the name. If it is misspelled, just write it in a misspelled fashion. Otherwise it appears correct but then you contradict yourself by saying it isn't.
"There WERE no visuals". And . . . drawings are defined as 'visuals' to most people. perhaps you should describe these drawings more, and elaborate.
Call it personal bias, but I've never heard a person say that at a Science Fair. On the contrary, they're usually avaricious for attention by the judges when they come to their booth.
"Actually," Markus explained, "I want to check this out. So what's this about an Eternal Source Code?"
"I was always wondering how the universe was created," the presenter started, "and I went over the basic religious ideas - Christianity, Judism, Bhudism, all of them.
You misspelled the last two. It's "Judaism" and "Buddhism". And, just a word of advice, I wouldn't talk to much about religion here. It's fine if it has a purpose but it's controversial and it doesn't seem necessary. It's much better tact, if naming specific religions isn't necessary, to just mention religions by the blanket term 'religion' instead of naming individual ones.
What?
What? He went back in time? Is this a metaphor, because I don't understand.
For the sake of making it easier for readers to understand what you mean, I'd advise you do "get into it".
You haven't explained what a "source code" is or
"Is it safe?"
"Don't worry. I've tested it a few times, and I'm fine." His right eye twitched.
What does his right eye twitching have to do with anything? And what does this device do? And why is Notch believing any of this? From the looks of it the man appears to be a bad carpenter, a person with dyslexia (nothing wrong with that) and a bad artist to top it off. Generally, when there are that man major unanswered questions in a story, you should elaborate more or try to answer them in full later on.
What does the machine look like?
"Switch Markus Persson to 1918."
How does he know the commands?
He angrily hit the machine.
This is the same "Notch" who designed Minecraft, we're talking about, right? The same "Notch" who is a professional software programmer and who spent years laboring over this game and fine-tuning all the code? Because if so, i think he'd have a little more patience with electronics not working on the first try . . .
Is this last sentence written from his point of view or not? It seems out of place and I'd suggest removing it, because it implies you either want someone else to continue the story for you (such stories almost always fail because of lack of community participation) or you want guesses as to what would happen (which is okay, but your meaning is vague enough that people might not realize that's what you mean at first glance)
----
MCF Name:
Minecraft Name:
Age:
Skin (picture allowed):
Other:
~THETOONTOWNSIRLUCAS~
Writing your name here isn't really necessary. We know who the author is, and as a stylistic choice it isn't particularly good.
Anyway, it has potential but had several major flaws that you should consider fixing in subsequent revisions. Keep writing!
If I don't tell him what he could do to improve, he won't improve. I don't think I did it in a particularly scathing way, and if no one tells him he'll never learn. I was trying to help him become a better writer. Nowhere did I insult him or tell him his story was objectively bad. :/
I tried to tell him how he could improve. I even said some nice things about his story. What was I supposed to do? Perhaps I could have been slightly less methodical but I didn't belittle him at all or anything. There are worse critics here than me.
I don't see anything of the sort.
Once again, if people did this for me i wouldn't feel insulted.
Exactly. False praise in the end helps no one. I don't enjoy making people feel bad about their writing. I'll admit I might have been a little harsh on this review but I was only trying, as many writers do, to help another writer improve their writing. I don't see what the alternative is.
I was only going to, but I wanted to help him. And you shouldn't be offended. It's not a personal insult if someone points out your mistakes. They're usually just trying to help you. And there is no real alternative that involves them learning to be a better writer. I'm not trying to insult him or anyone else by posting their mistakes, I'm just trying to help them. People have criticized my writing before, and I've thanked them for it, because they taught me how to become a better writer.
Ignore him, killing confidence.
Criticize him, hurting confidence... Rock takes a lot of pressure before it can become a diamond.
Good analogy.
He's actually correct.
It's no insult to help improve someone's writing skills. Him pointing out his mistakes gives him a feeling of: "Oh, I did that wrong, well, I can learn from my mistakes and do better next time!" It shouldn't appear as an insult to him. Plus, he did say in his reply that he wasn't trying to be mean. Not saying anything gives the writer a sense that his writing is perfectly fine and doesn't need to be changed. That, to me, is an insult. When someone points out a mistake to me in a writing piece I write, i'm actually VERY grateful because then I can go back and fix it and learn not to do it again. He just wants him to be a greater writer, and that's perfectly fine.
The Republic of Atlas
Yes. It's far, far better to actually tell someone their mistakes and help them become a better writer than to give them false compliments. Because eventually, some one somewhere down the line will tell them their mistakes, and if you do it now you're doing them a favor.
(of false compliments)
Oh. I didn't understand what you meant at first.