Herein I combine two of the many things I love the most: writing and Minecraft. In this story however, the world of Minecraft is similar to the real world, not made of the blocks we all know and love. Enjoy. Please review and point out errors. English is not my first language.
Part I: A New World
Chapter 1: Awakening He awoke.
Where am I? He thought. Picking himself up, he discovered himself in a beach. I don't know this place. How did I get here? He thought, only to realize that he could not remember anything at all.
He only remembered one thing: His name, Steve. He looked around. It was a beach that extended far both left and right. A jungle was in front of him. There was absolutely no sign of anybody else, not a sign, a path, or anything that would be manmade. Not even tracks or anything were there. Steve was completely lost. He did not know how to survive in the wild, he did not even know how he even got here or why his memory was erased. Deciding to at least do something, Steve made his way into the jungle. From where he was standing, it seemed to be endless and infinite, thick beyond comprehension with leaves and bark. Nevertheless, Steve went on, if not to at least find some food and water.
The jungle itself was unremarkable for Steve. The typical animals you could find in a jungle, large and small, like birds and monkeys alike, were there. Some were up the trees, others roamed the ground, yet none seemed to attack Steve. As he walked, he found a small waterhole, and he immediately went to it, got on all fours, and drank. Though he wasn't either hungry or thirsty (yet), the water tasted like heaven for Steve, drinking as much as he could. "If only I had something to store water with or somethi-WHATTHE" Steve said, jumping away in surprise as a black entity suddenly emerged from the water. It was tentacled and had a terrifying circular mouth. He immediately ran away from the waterhole in fright. "What the hell is this place?" He asked himself. Once he was at a far enough distance away, he finally slowed down, exhausted from his sudden sprint.
The jungle still continued with no end in sight for miles and miles. Steve could barely see the sky, what with the canopy being incredibly thick, barely letting any sunlight past.
As he traversed on, he encountered a bunch of ocelots, roaming around without a care in the world. "Huh, cats in a jungle. I wonder..." Steve said to himself as he tried to get close to the ocelots, wanting to pet them. But as Steve got close, the ocelots immediately got spooked and fled, away from Steve, who simply uttered an "oh, come on!". Nevertheless, he continued on his way, traversing the rest of the jungle.
The next several hours proved unremarkable. Besides sighting a bunch of wild pigs, Steve found nothing that would help him know where he was. His stomach was already growling in hunger. He had travelled several miles and still he could not find any signs of civilization. As he continued walking, he found the jungle getting darker than it already is. Fearing the loss of any light to help him on his way, he began to look around for trees to climb and check where he was. To his right he found a massive tree that was incredibly tall, towering above most of the other trees. It was covered in vines from top to bottom. He then decided to test it and climb up the vines, just to get a view above the canopy.
Though tired and exhausted from all the hiking through the jungle, Steve managed to harness enough strength to climb up. It was a slow task up the tree, and it took him at least 5 minutes to climb up above the canopy and finally figure out where he was. The only things he saw were the setting sun and the beach not far away from where Steve was. He had reached a dead end, as it seemed the other side of whatever landmass Steve had ended up at was apparently an island. The sun was almost down the horizon, and Steve began climbing down, very disappointed. He getting more worried by the minute on how he would survive, now that night was coming. He still had no shelter, and he could not find another tree with any branch or anything he could rest upon. It was then that Steve heard a loud screeching sound right above him. Looking up, he found an extremely large spider, with terrifying glowing red eyes and massive limbs. Steve suddenly let go in fright, and fell about a dozen and a half feet down, injuring his right foot.
Now with his back on the ground, he saw the spider jump off from the tree, falling straight above him. Right before it could land on him, Steve kicked the spider in the face, knocking it back a small distance from him. It screeched in pain, and resumed its attack. Steve kicked it everytime it got close, almost always in the face. Desperate to get it away from him in panic, Steve began throwing rocks from the ground at it. After several good hits from afar, the spider finally fled, limping and injured.
Steve finally felt relief that the spider was gone. Unfortunately for him, his fall had sprained his ankle. Nevertheless, Steve was determined to survive, and with great difficulty, managed to get on his feet, despite the immense pain.
Steve limped. It was too painful to stand on his sprained right foot. He was unsure if there were any other spiders in the area, but limped onwards, hoping to find any possible shelters where he could take refuge in. Things became worse as rain began to fall, making it even harder to see than it already was, and making it riskier to hike further.
The rain grew stronger and stronger by the minute. Steve, despite all the circumstances, continued on, desperate for a shelter from the elements. He could see no more than 6 meters in front of him, posing an inherent danger, as he would not be able to see anything else that may attack him. It was then that Steve slipped, and found himself rolling down a rather steep and rough hill, out of control. By the time he finally reached the bottom, he was heavily grazed all over, and his ankle, having been violently shook and crushed in his roll downhill, felt even worse. The pain was so much that he couldn't stand.
Why is this happening to me? He thought to himself. Battered, exhausted, and injured, Steve tried to inch backwards on his back. He began fearing the possibilty that he could die in the jungle he was in, having killer spiders and probably other unknown monsters hunting him.
It was then that Steve suddenly saw a tall green thing, with four legs front and back. Its skin was like the texture of very thick leaves, and its face was immobile in its menacing grimace. Slowly, without sound, it inched its way to Steve, and Steve, not taking any chances, jumped up on his feet, fueled by adrenaline, and limped as fast as he could away, regardless of the immense pain of his ankle.
Going sideways by the slope of the hill, the monster pursued Steve, slow yet relentlessly. As Steve tried to get away as fast as he could, he spotted a small cave opening by the side of the hill, not far away. Steve had already managed to lose the monster in the obscuring rain. Immediately, he made his way into it, and hoped that the green monster would not follow him inside.
He went in deeper, a good 12 meters away from the small cave opening. Supporting himself on a wall, he panted in exhaustion and grimaced in pain, as the adrenaline wore off and the pain began to attack him. "I think I'm safe here," he thought to himself.
Little did he know that the green monster had managed to make its way in and creep silently behind Steve, who still was exhausted and had his back turned.
Steve saw the shadow of the monster right behind him, and he began hearing a hissing sound, like that of an explosive before it blows. Instinctively, Steve immediately dived away from the monster behind him, who promptly exploded with tremendous force, causing the cave to collapse on itself.
Chapter 2: Unknown Lands
He awoke.
This time, he found himself in complete darkness, with the hard, cold, and rocky ground hugging his face. And also his entire body. He did not know how long it had been, whether just moments ago or hours ago, since the green monster caused the cave to collapse. All he knew right now, he was buried alive in gravel, and his ankle felt even worse. Pushing his arm out of the gravel, he tried to push off and remove as much gravel as he could from himself, eventually managing to free himself after about a minute. He crawled out of his burial place, and got on his uninjured foot, supporting himself on the wall.
Now that the opening he came in through was blocked, Steve had no choice but to go deeper into the cave, hoping to find an alternate exit. He had no intentions in dying in what could be his tomb, and with difficulty, continued venturing on.
It took some time before Steve's eyes could adjust to the darkness. "I could really use a torch here," he said to himself. As he went deeper and deeper, the cave started to slope downwards. Though Steve feared that he might be attacked by a creature in the cave, he continued on, having no choice. Each step he took down the cave made him more and more uneasy, paranoid of the possible dangers that could finish him off.
Yet for the next half hour, Steve found nothing that could threaten him. By this time his eyes had adjusted, and he found himself so deep underground he could no longer determine how deep he was. Eventually he made it to the bottom of the impossibly long cavern, discovering a flat space that led to two tunnels. Steve took the right one, and continued on. The tunnel he took, like the previous cavern, was very much unremarkable. It went on mostly flat for an unmeasureable distance, with the walls slightly curving to the right. Time passed as Steve walked on, though no animal or monster were there to attack him.
Another half hour would pass before Steve felt the ground begin to slope upwards. Slowly but surely, with each step, the slope became more and more vertical. This gave Steve some trouble, as he found it a lot more tiring to limp uphill than downhill.
Yet another half hour and several breaks later, Steve finally made it to a flat circular room-ish cavern at the top of the tunnel. Straight ahead him was a smaller tunnel, a head shorter than himself, which he squeezed himself in, crawling all the way, as his injured foot wouldn't be able to support him crouching. It wasn't long before he found a glimmer of light at the other end, which suddenly excited Steve, who was eager to finally get out of the cave. He was close to the end of the tunnel, when he suddenly heard a screech from behind him, similar to the spider that attacked him the last time. "sh*t," Steve said, and with yet another adrenaline rush tried to crawl out as fast as he could so as not to be attack by yet another spider. He was nearly out, just right before the outside of the cave, when he felt the spider begin to crawl upon his legs. Turning himself on his back, he saw it rearing in order to stab and bite him with great force. In an instant, he began wailing as much punches as he could, and the spider responded by hitting Steve hard with its limbs and attempting to bite him.
The two wrestled and wrestled, as Steve tried as much as he can to survive the onslaught. Then suddenly, with a lucky punch, he managed to punch the spider's eye out. It wailed and recoiled in pain, leaving Steve with an opportunity to escape. Looking out the cave, it was already morning, and he found what appeared to be the edge of a cliff high above, seeing as Steve could only see the sky beyond it. Getting up on his feet, he grabbed the spider and kneed it in the face using his leg with the sprained ankle. Then, he took hold of one of the spider's limbs, and dragged it out of the cave with barely any resistance, as it was still rolling over in pain. He limped his way to the edge, dragging the spider all the way, and proceeded to get behind the spider and push it off the cliff.
He watched the spider fall all the way down. As it fell, he saw just how high he was. He guessed himself to be about a hundred and forty meters high, and he watched the spider impact the ground violently, and eventually roll over, dead.
"I killed an animal. Holy sh*t," Steve said to himself, relieved that his ordeal in the caves was finally over. He then took his time to look around. He was at what seemed to be right below the top of a really high hill, and not far away from the hills was a humunguous desert that streched as far as the eye could see. He then climbed on top of the hill and looked at the direction from where he came from. Not far away was the sea, followed by what appeared to be a jungle island right at the far horizon. "So I passed a tunnel below the sea?" Steve asked to no one in particular.
He would later find a path downhill that led straight down to the bottom of the hill, down to what little vegetation there was by the hill, and right by the dunes of the desert.
He was thirsty and starving. Bad news, considering that he was now in a desert. Yet again, Steve had no choice but to continue on, and hopefully reach an oasis or any place that would give him relief.
Steve spent the rest of the day from morning till sunset, doing nothing but walk amongst the dunes and breezing sands, with no end to the wasteland in sight. He found nothing around other than scant cactuses, and occasional passing vultures in the sky. He did not know how many miles he had travelled by now. Steve looked up at the sky, gazing at the setting sun, now only barely above the horizon. The sky was clear and was a bright, rich red, slowly turning into the darkness of night.
Night came, and Steve stopped. He sat down on the dunes, completely and utterly exhausted. He thirsted and he hungered, yet there was nothing to be seen in all directions. He lied down on his back, and gazed at the stars. Steve felt an ironic feeling in his heart; for such a beautiful sight to behold, here he was, battered and starving to death in a desert in an unknown land. He felt drowziness begin to overtake him, and the world slowly faded to black as his eyes closed.
He awoke the next morning, with an intense breeze blowing sand all over him. Getting up on his feet, he found his ankle actually feeling better for once. He tried to stand completely on it, rather than limp with his other leg, and found that it wasn't as painful as before. Then he tried to walk on it, and he felt a sharp, sudden pain. "Alright, it's still not fully healed," he said to himself.
He continued his journey for the next few hours, and his thirst and starvation worsened by the minute. At times the only thing on his mind was food and drink, other times it would be whether he should just die, or whether it was all just a dream. Or maybe, by some crackpot theory, he was transported by something, or someone, here. Nevertheless, he pushed himself on, intent on surviving no matter what. There was no relief in the blazing sands. The sands were hot and blowing hard, and the sun stood in full glory in the sky, unleashing, more or less, the fullest potential of its heat on the planet. There were no oases in sight, and still no sign of any civilization.
He later approached an area with calm winds and very large and wavy dunes, like soft hills made of nothing but sand. Then, Steve suddenly heard a noise past one dune. It wasn't a noise like that of an animal at all, and Steve's curiousity was piqued. It sounded...human. He made it up the dune, and spied something he never thought he'd ever see.
People.
Steve saw a rather dark-skinned man, whose most peculiar features were his large nose and large eyes. Steve guessed him to be his height, and seemed to be dressed in a green robe like that of the color of leaves. He was accompanied by his mule and what seemed to be his son, similar in appearance, too. The man was holding a bucket of water in his hands, and was letting his mule drink and be refreshed.
"Kulètot, ov avo. Nèshelèch mokh'avdokhlev", the man said to his mule in a language that Steve could not comprehend. "Renleph, shamèdz shrakhlev laper?" The son asked his father while the father was still letting the mule drink. Steve understood nothing. "Kolffe shirèv oneki'otz nef-she'ha'chkar," the man replied to his son, just as the mule finished drinking. "Shi'av ot'och," the man finished. He picked up his son, put him on the mule, then mounted it and began riding away, headed diagonally right from where Steve was facing. Though he was unable to interact with the two, he figured that if he followed the mule's tracks, he could find other people, or better yet, a town.
His hopes rejuvenated, and the pain of his ankle ignored in happiness, Steve walked excitedly, finally finding signs of civilization. Though they spoke an incomprehensible language, the need for salvation from the desert was overwhelming, and Steve figured that he'd rather head for foreign lands than die any time soon.
Steve ventured on for 5 more hours. His hope had reawakened his exhausted body, but the desert remained vast and was already sapping what little strength he had left. Eventually, he spotted by the horizon a very peculiar sight. He couldn't tell what it was, and whether it was a mirage or not, but nevertheless, he made his way for it. It was better for him to take his chances now rather than remain in the wasteland.
As he got closer, he eventually started seeing trees in the distance, and the ground below him was becoming less sandy and more soil-ish as he walked. Eventually, he started seeing scant patches of grass scattered all around, until he eventually found himself facing a large dry plain with some trees and grass all over the place. In the distance, he saw a great, big rectangle of a material Steve couldn't discern as of yet.
He went even closer, and his hopes of finding civilization were confirmed. From where Steve was it appeared to be a tall building made of stone, with glass windows. Steve looked below it, and found a great multitude of houses and other buildings, an endless mix of stone and wood forming a great large village.
He walked towards it with a smile on his face, though weak in his grueling ordeal in the jungles and deserts of wherever he was. The thought of salvation overrode everything on Steve's mind.
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Translations and word-by-word grammar of the language spoken by the father and son:
(This language is phonetically pronounced. "ch" and "kh" are pronounced as a hard h, or something similar to "ch" as in "loch ness monster". "è" is pronounced either as "uh" or a very fast "ee". "dz" is pronounced as "j")
"Kulètot, ov avo. Nèshelèch mokh'avdokhlev" - (Drink up, my boy, Nèshelèch isn't far now) (drink-do, boy me-of. Nèshelèch now-not-be-far)
"Renleph, shamèdz shrakhlev laper?" - (Father, how far still until we get there?) (male-parent, question: farness of [Nèshelèch]?)
As Steve walked, in front of him he found a gravel path, which led into the village itself and, as far as Steve could see, into the village well. Despite being emaciated from his arduous journey in the jungle and the desert, Steve ran, no more caring for anything else, towards the well. As he entered the village, he ignored the surprised gaze of a crowd of people who had taken notice of him, and, now reaching the well, climbed it and suspended his lower body while he attempted to drink the rather low water by cupping his hands and scooping it up. Then he fell in before he could drink, but he let himself sink, as all water was heaven for him now; he drank as he sank.
Then two strong arms grabbed Steve's arms and began lifting him up, gradually managing to pull him up the well. When he was finally on solid ground, he coughed and groaned, his back on the floor. The man who lifted him out, apparently a soldier, armed with armor and a sword, kicked Steve lightly in the sides, pointing his unsheathed sword at Steve. "Shamèdz i'oyim? Oyishkhe'abuch!" the man threateningly shouted at Steve. Steve looked around. A great crowd had their eyes upon him, intrigued by the manner of his arrival in town. Each and every one of them, like the man Steve saw in the desert, were brown skinned, all with the identifying features of their large eyes and noses. "What? I don't understand!" Steve replied with a strained voice. "Edshev okhnatzge'afesh hèhesh azvo! Shèloyìtzav!" the man replied, seemingly frustrated. Steve saw the crowd gossiping, whispering, murmuring, no doubt discussing what was going on. Then a woman in the crowd interrupted "Shamèdz al az'hot lape'od?", which turned the crowd from silent whispering to a fierce debate on what should be done to Steve. Whatever they were saying, all Steve felt was the foreboding feeling that something might happen to him. It did not help when Steve saw even more soldiers arriving and surrounding him, very suspicious of Steve's presence. All he wanted right now was to be relieved of his intense hunger and thirst.
Then a man with a green robe, glasses, very meticulously combed hair, and a book, stepped forwards, approaching Steve. Skimming the book while examining Steve, he then commented, "Lap na'ashokh layìnolèv. Ha'da-ìffere'idz lapvo okhrunev, kinish leph shère'idz go'ovku". Then someone in the crowd interrupted "Shofav lape h'fèsh lov Nèha'di'osh?". That remark suddenly made the crowd noisy and fierce with debate again, and this time, the gazes upon him were starting to take a menacing and aggressive look. The soldiers surrounding him had their swords all pointed at him, staring at him with intense suspicion.
It was then that a man suddenly shouted out "U'idz!". With that, the whole crowd immediate turned quiet, and made way for a very old, bald man with purple robes and a cane. He was accompanied by a young woman that immediately caught Steve's attention; she was light-brown skinned, her wavy hair was similarly light brown, of medium length, and she wore a flowing green dress, that perfectly complimented her apperance. She also carried a book, just like the other man in green robes that examined him awhile ago. Steve found himself instantly attracted to her, inasmuch as her probably not speaking the same language as him. His fixation upon her was suddenly interrupted by the old man, who said with a loud, clear, and commanding to the crowd "Shamèdz hèpheyì? Shamèdz kelshlaph mokhèg al katu lap lachkeldesh?". The soldier that pulled Steve out of the water then replied "Lape tazalèd rèruv kayid gekulèttut rèramnolèv. Akkelshlaph avkumokheg al katu lap lachkeldèsh. Ha'da-ìffe aphokhmokheg. Lape otge'afesh hèhesh kokhmokhèg", to which the old man nodded.
Feeling the need to at least speak something, Steve interrupted "I only want food and water. I'm lost, and I don't have any memories of how I got here. I'm starving to death and I just want help". It was with this statement that the lady accompanying the old man suddenly raised her eyebrow, giving a curious stare at Steve. She then whispered something to the old man, who then nodded in agreement to something, and with that the woman walked towards Steve, and knelt above Steve, who was still lying on the ground.
"Wuh-hat ees yowr nah-meh?" she said. Steve couldn't tell whether it was gibberish or not, as it vaguely sounded like "what is your name?" with a ridiculously heavy accent to him. "Can you repeat that?" he asked the lady. She did not reply, however. Instead, she opened the book, took out a very unusual-looking pencil, and wrote. When she was done, she turned the book around and showed Steve what she had written.
What is your name? was written on it. Steve was completely surprised. She knows English? he thought. She then handed Steve the pencil, who then sat up, borrowed the book, and wrote down Steve on it, then handed it back to her. "Steh-veh," she then said, nodding. Her accent is ridiculously thick, Steve thought. Then the lady wrote another thing down, taking somewhat more time than what she previously wrote, then gave it to Steve. Write here who you, where you from, and why you here, it read. Ignoring the omission of "are", Steve then took the book and started writing down.
My name is Steve. I don't remember, or even have memories, of where I come from, all I know is that I awoke in a beach in a far island. I then survived a few days through jungles, caves, and finally the desert that led me here. I have not eaten in days. I mean no harm. he wrote down, and gave to the lady. She then started reading it intensely with difficulty, while the crowd observed with great curiosity. "Shamèdz hi'u tu'esh?" people were saying, curious of what Steve wrote down. After a minute of reading what Steve wrote, the lady then made a rather long winded explanation to everyone in her language that he could barely even bother to hear anymore. All he wanted now was food in his stomach, just to end his starvation.
When the lady ended, the crowd began making murmurs of "oh"s and "ah"s, while making small debates still on the nature of Steve. The soldiers that had been surrounding Steve dropped their guard, and the old man in purple robes then went towards Steve and the woman, and whispered something to the woman in their language. When he was done, the lady then said "follow us" to Steve. With that, Steve got up, albeit slowly. When he finally got up, the old man then said to the crowd "Azot hèchekhen al lape", and with that, the old man went on his way along with the lady, while Steve followed. As the sun began to set and Steve got escorted away, the crowd slowly dispersed.
Much later, during dinner, Steve was chomping down on his food like a barbarian. The old man in robes had invited Steve to dinner at his house, which was actually the church of the town, and was actually the tall stone building Steve had seen before he entered the village. Steve guessed him to be some kind of priest in the village, as the building happened to be adorned with multiple exotic artifacts that Steve guessed to be religious items. They happened to be on the rather small second floor, where the priest had seemingly crammed all his living amenities in; his bed, his dining table, his kitchen, and a small bathroom in the corner were all contained within a single room. The only up happened to be a ladder, which boggled Steve to no end as to how the priest could even climb it at his age.
Steve ate with reckless abandon, regardless of how he crudely mannered he was in front of the young English-speaking lady that also accompanied him to the church. Right now, the only thing that mattered right now was regaining his strength by eating and drinking as much as possible, and so Steve left the priest and the lady to discuss among themselves. The food itself was rather unremarkable; it was a simple dish of chicken and potatoes.
The rest of the dinner continued on without much interaction between Steve and the two strangers that allowed him to eat with them. Steve was eating so much he was leaving nothing but bone as he ate, while the other two were having a debate in their incomprehensible language. Steve observed them as he ate, noticing how the priest would debate in a wise-sounding manner, with very much seemingly extensive knowledge of whatever he was talking about, while the lady was making passionate long winded arguments to the priest, though they did more often than not seemed to agree on some things. Steve especially had his eyes on the lady, as he had found himself rather infatuated with her, even though he barely knew her. Her voice was like that of an angel, even if he couldn't understand what she was saying. But what really got Steve's attention was her face. He had a particular weakness for beautiful faces, and hers was just so absolutely beautiful. Steve could do nothing but gaze at her with intense attraction, though in a manner that wouldn't seem suspicious if she ever looked at him.
A awkward moment of silence then came in the lady and the priest's debate. Steve stared at both of them, who had by know finished their meals. Seeking to break the silence, Steve decided to finally speak. "Hey, um, I'd just like to thank you guys for-" "Spe-ak mo-re slow, ple-ase. Ee want understand wuh-hat yow sahyeeng mo-re," she interrupted with her crude English. Despite her mostly indecipherable accent, Steve managed to understand what she was trying to say. "Oh. Well, yeah, I'd just like to thank you guys for allowing me to stay here. I don't think I would have lived longer if it weren't for you guys. I really hope I didn't trouble you guys or anything, I just wanna say...thanks a lot," Steve said, this time more slowly than before. The lady translated what she could to the old man. After he heard what she said, he nodded with a smile, and proceeded to reply, which the lady translated. "Eet ees o-ur ple-a-su-re," she managed to say with a smile. "Can I just ask what are your names?" Steve then added. "My nah-meh ees Ha'irev, he ees Kèlovtzuqen," she replied back, pointing to herself and the priest. Steve nodded in understanding.
Steve then heard a voice coming from the ground floor, saying "Ha'irev! Nud noyì'och!". He sounded exactly like the man who examined him a while ago. Then Ha'irev replied "Shayì, renleph!". She then stood up, and saying her goodbyes to the old man, left. As she climbed down the ladder leading downstairs, she waved goodbye at Steve, who waved his hand back.
"I wonder how she could even speak my language..." Steve asked to no one on particular. Then the priest tapped his shoulder, and getting Steve's attention, pointed to an extra mattress provided for him, on the floor. Steve, who guessed that this was where he would go to sleep for this night, nodded.
15 minutes later, after helping the priest wash the dishes, Steve finally dropped down on his temporary bed. He was now full and refreshed, and no doubt would he be able to regain his strength in the next few days. As he closed his eyes, he thought of what awaited him in this strange new land, and what would await him tomorrow.
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Translations and word-by-word grammar of the language
(Ch and kh = hard "h" è = very fast "ee" ì = not pronounced
Dz = j Q = Ch)
- "Shamèdz al az'hot lape'od?" (What should do to him?) (question re: us-act regarding-to [him])
- "Lap na'ashokh layìnolèv. Ha'da-ìffere'idz lapvo okhrunev, kinish leph shère'idz go'ovku." (He doesn't seem to be from here. His racial features are unfamiliar, nothing like in the book) (Referred no-seem here-from. Ethnic-appearance-quality referred-of no-familiar, un-similar compared-to qualities book-in)
- "Shofav lape h'fèsh lov Nèha'di'osh?" (Maybe he is a spy from Southia?) (Possible-be referred-to spy for Southia?)
- "U'idz!" (Silence!)
- "Shamèdz hèpheyì? Shamèdz kelshlaph mokhèg al katu lap lachkeldesh?" (What's going on? Does anyone know who this stranger is? (Question: happening? Question: random-person know regarding identity of stranger?)
- "Lape tazalèd rèruv kayid gekulèttut rèramnolèv. Akkelshlaph avkumokheg al katu lap lachkeldèsh. Ha'da-ìffe aphokhmokheg. Lape otge'afesh hèhesh kokhmokhèg". (This man tresspassed the village and then tried to drink from the well. No one knows who this person is, at all. His ethnicity is unknown, too, and he speaks a language no one knows.) (referred[-to] tresspassed village then drink-did well-from. No-random-pers be-knowing re: identity of stranger. Ethnic-appearance no-know. Referred[-to] do-speak language none-know)
- "Shamèdz hi'u tu'esh?" (What did he say?) (question: [what] he said?)
- "Azot hèchekhen al lape" (We'll take care of him) (Us-do manage re: [him])
- "Ha'irev! Nud noyì'och! (Ha'irev! Time to go home!) (Ha-irev, time home-go!)
- "Shayì, renleph!" (Yes, father)
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Quote from sc1020 »
Hello, writers! This story is part of Minefic: Legacy. This is a story list where you can apply your stories so everyone can see it even better! Simply click the link and fill out an application and see how helpful it is yourself!
Interesting beginning, bit stereotypical though...
Where am I? He thought. Picking himself up, he discovered himself in a beach. *I don't know this place. How did I get here?* He thought, only to realize that his memory was erased. Quick question. How do you realize your memory was erased?
The jungle still continued to be endless. Still Continued to be endless... This is really able to be lengthened, if you don't understand what i mean click this link. Steve could barely see the sky, what with the canopy being incredibly thick. What with the canopy being so thick could also follow this example.
Little did he know that the green monster had managed to make its way in and creep silently behind Steve, who still was exhausted and had his back turned. Using this rips you out of the story a bit, if you didn't have this or you changed it so it was closer to his perspective rather than a ananymous tip...
Chapter 3 is out, and I am extremely disappointed no one has bothered to review. But either way, please point out typos, errors, holes, and do review. Maybe also on FF.net.
Chapter 3 is out, and I am extremely disappointed no one has bothered to review. But either way, please point out typos, errors, holes, and do review. Maybe also on FF.net.
Don't be disappointed when nobody comments and stuff. The Literature subsection is like a library and this is one out of many books. Do people scribble their opinions on the books? No, right? Think of it that way. This place is kinda slow in terms of replies and such but if you add content, they will come and become more interested etc. etc.
Your story definitely has that Steve/survival theme at the beginning, which has been used before, although you've written it quite well. I enjoy the fact that the setting had a more gritty/realistic feeling to it, unlike how most "Steve" stories start off, portraying Steve as a hero that has everything going for him and magically knows exactly what to do.
There did not seem to be any major issues with grammar or punctuation, since I had no trouble reading this. Your story contains sufficient and relevant detail which gets your points across, although adding more wouldn't hurt. Also, I really like how you portrayed the villagers.
There was only one issue that stood out in my mind, which was how Steve became emaciated in only two days without food or water. At the very most, one would think that Steve would be tired and cranky.
Don't be disappointed when nobody comments and stuff. The Literature subsection is like a library and this is one out of many books. Do people scribble their opinions on the books? No, right? Think of it that way. This place is kinda slow in terms of replies and such but if you add content, they will come and become more interested etc. etc.
Point taken. I was just a bit disappointed no one read Ch. 2 when I updated, I feel discouraged without feedback.
Your story definitely has that Steve/survival theme at the beginning, which has been used before, although you've written it quite well. I enjoy the fact that the setting had a more gritty/realistic feeling to it, unlike how most "Steve" stories start off, portraying Steve as a hero that has everything going for him and magically knows exactly what to do.
There did not seem to be any major issues with grammar or punctuation, since I had no trouble reading this. Your story contains sufficient and relevant detail which gets your points across, although adding more wouldn't hurt. Also, I really like how you portrayed the villagers.
There was only one issue that stood out in my mind, which was how Steve became emaciated in only two days without food or water. At the very most, one would think that Steve would be tired and cranky.
Thanks for the review :D. And on the "emaciated" thing, I think I misused the word. I didn't check for the word, just wrote what came to mind. I'll fix it. About the detail, in what way could I add more?
Thanks for the review . And on the "emaciated" thing, I think I misused the word. I didn't check for the word, just wrote what came to mind. I'll fix it. About the detail, in what way could I add more?
Hey, happy to help.
As far as detail goes, consider taking a descriptive word/phrase with a broad meaning, and replacing it with more precise phrase(s) that also imply that broad meaning. For example:
As he traversed on, he encountered a bunch of ocelots, roaming around without a care in the world.
Could be expanded like this:
As he continued to cut his way through the dense jungle, he spotted a crowd of ocelots, chasing each other and rolling in the leaves.
Precise detail can be useful to reinforce your surroundings, make description more vivid, and give you, as a writer, more opportunities to advance the setting and the plot. I can't really say specifically where your story could improve from this; I just picked the ocelot sentence more or less randomly. I'll try to explain what detail I added and why I added it. Of course, you may have different priorities of what detail is more relevant compared to others, and what words you feel are best to use, based on what feeling you want your story to convey.
The first clause replaces broad words and reinforcing the scene's surroundings. "Continued to" is one precise way to say "on" which makes the meaning more clear, because of the fact that "on" has other purposes that relate to direction. "Cut his way through the dense jungle" describes specifically how the character traveled.
The second clause is a matter of word choice. "Spotted" implies that the character is both looking at the ocelots, and is somewhat distant from the ocelots, which makes sense considering ocelots are shy. I chose the word "crowd" because it implies a group of living things. One could also include a description of the exact number and infant/adult composition of the group of ocelots, but personally I would find this too wordy to be put in the same sentence, if I chose to include that information.
The third clause takes a broad verb and a commonly used phrase and replaces them both with specific actions. It implies playfulness, which in turn implies joyfulness, and that they aren't reacting much to their surroundings, but not necessarily that they don't care about their surroundings, as "without a care in the world" might imply.
Part I: A New World
Chapter 1: Awakening
He awoke.
Where am I? He thought. Picking himself up, he discovered himself in a beach. I don't know this place. How did I get here? He thought, only to realize that he could not remember anything at all.
He only remembered one thing: His name, Steve. He looked around. It was a beach that extended far both left and right. A jungle was in front of him. There was absolutely no sign of anybody else, not a sign, a path, or anything that would be manmade. Not even tracks or anything were there. Steve was completely lost. He did not know how to survive in the wild, he did not even know how he even got here or why his memory was erased. Deciding to at least do something, Steve made his way into the jungle. From where he was standing, it seemed to be endless and infinite, thick beyond comprehension with leaves and bark. Nevertheless, Steve went on, if not to at least find some food and water.
The jungle itself was unremarkable for Steve. The typical animals you could find in a jungle, large and small, like birds and monkeys alike, were there. Some were up the trees, others roamed the ground, yet none seemed to attack Steve. As he walked, he found a small waterhole, and he immediately went to it, got on all fours, and drank. Though he wasn't either hungry or thirsty (yet), the water tasted like heaven for Steve, drinking as much as he could. "If only I had something to store water with or somethi-WHATTHE" Steve said, jumping away in surprise as a black entity suddenly emerged from the water. It was tentacled and had a terrifying circular mouth. He immediately ran away from the waterhole in fright. "What the hell is this place?" He asked himself. Once he was at a far enough distance away, he finally slowed down, exhausted from his sudden sprint.
The jungle still continued with no end in sight for miles and miles. Steve could barely see the sky, what with the canopy being incredibly thick, barely letting any sunlight past.
As he traversed on, he encountered a bunch of ocelots, roaming around without a care in the world. "Huh, cats in a jungle. I wonder..." Steve said to himself as he tried to get close to the ocelots, wanting to pet them. But as Steve got close, the ocelots immediately got spooked and fled, away from Steve, who simply uttered an "oh, come on!". Nevertheless, he continued on his way, traversing the rest of the jungle.
The next several hours proved unremarkable. Besides sighting a bunch of wild pigs, Steve found nothing that would help him know where he was. His stomach was already growling in hunger. He had travelled several miles and still he could not find any signs of civilization. As he continued walking, he found the jungle getting darker than it already is. Fearing the loss of any light to help him on his way, he began to look around for trees to climb and check where he was. To his right he found a massive tree that was incredibly tall, towering above most of the other trees. It was covered in vines from top to bottom. He then decided to test it and climb up the vines, just to get a view above the canopy.
Though tired and exhausted from all the hiking through the jungle, Steve managed to harness enough strength to climb up. It was a slow task up the tree, and it took him at least 5 minutes to climb up above the canopy and finally figure out where he was. The only things he saw were the setting sun and the beach not far away from where Steve was. He had reached a dead end, as it seemed the other side of whatever landmass Steve had ended up at was apparently an island. The sun was almost down the horizon, and Steve began climbing down, very disappointed. He getting more worried by the minute on how he would survive, now that night was coming. He still had no shelter, and he could not find another tree with any branch or anything he could rest upon. It was then that Steve heard a loud screeching sound right above him. Looking up, he found an extremely large spider, with terrifying glowing red eyes and massive limbs. Steve suddenly let go in fright, and fell about a dozen and a half feet down, injuring his right foot.
Now with his back on the ground, he saw the spider jump off from the tree, falling straight above him. Right before it could land on him, Steve kicked the spider in the face, knocking it back a small distance from him. It screeched in pain, and resumed its attack. Steve kicked it everytime it got close, almost always in the face. Desperate to get it away from him in panic, Steve began throwing rocks from the ground at it. After several good hits from afar, the spider finally fled, limping and injured.
Steve finally felt relief that the spider was gone. Unfortunately for him, his fall had sprained his ankle. Nevertheless, Steve was determined to survive, and with great difficulty, managed to get on his feet, despite the immense pain.
Steve limped. It was too painful to stand on his sprained right foot. He was unsure if there were any other spiders in the area, but limped onwards, hoping to find any possible shelters where he could take refuge in. Things became worse as rain began to fall, making it even harder to see than it already was, and making it riskier to hike further.
The rain grew stronger and stronger by the minute. Steve, despite all the circumstances, continued on, desperate for a shelter from the elements. He could see no more than 6 meters in front of him, posing an inherent danger, as he would not be able to see anything else that may attack him. It was then that Steve slipped, and found himself rolling down a rather steep and rough hill, out of control. By the time he finally reached the bottom, he was heavily grazed all over, and his ankle, having been violently shook and crushed in his roll downhill, felt even worse. The pain was so much that he couldn't stand.
Why is this happening to me? He thought to himself. Battered, exhausted, and injured, Steve tried to inch backwards on his back. He began fearing the possibilty that he could die in the jungle he was in, having killer spiders and probably other unknown monsters hunting him.
It was then that Steve suddenly saw a tall green thing, with four legs front and back. Its skin was like the texture of very thick leaves, and its face was immobile in its menacing grimace. Slowly, without sound, it inched its way to Steve, and Steve, not taking any chances, jumped up on his feet, fueled by adrenaline, and limped as fast as he could away, regardless of the immense pain of his ankle.
Going sideways by the slope of the hill, the monster pursued Steve, slow yet relentlessly. As Steve tried to get away as fast as he could, he spotted a small cave opening by the side of the hill, not far away. Steve had already managed to lose the monster in the obscuring rain. Immediately, he made his way into it, and hoped that the green monster would not follow him inside.
He went in deeper, a good 12 meters away from the small cave opening. Supporting himself on a wall, he panted in exhaustion and grimaced in pain, as the adrenaline wore off and the pain began to attack him. "I think I'm safe here," he thought to himself.
Little did he know that the green monster had managed to make its way in and creep silently behind Steve, who still was exhausted and had his back turned.
Steve saw the shadow of the monster right behind him, and he began hearing a hissing sound, like that of an explosive before it blows. Instinctively, Steve immediately dived away from the monster behind him, who promptly exploded with tremendous force, causing the cave to collapse on itself.
Chapter 2: Unknown Lands
This time, he found himself in complete darkness, with the hard, cold, and rocky ground hugging his face. And also his entire body. He did not know how long it had been, whether just moments ago or hours ago, since the green monster caused the cave to collapse. All he knew right now, he was buried alive in gravel, and his ankle felt even worse. Pushing his arm out of the gravel, he tried to push off and remove as much gravel as he could from himself, eventually managing to free himself after about a minute. He crawled out of his burial place, and got on his uninjured foot, supporting himself on the wall.
Now that the opening he came in through was blocked, Steve had no choice but to go deeper into the cave, hoping to find an alternate exit. He had no intentions in dying in what could be his tomb, and with difficulty, continued venturing on.
It took some time before Steve's eyes could adjust to the darkness. "I could really use a torch here," he said to himself. As he went deeper and deeper, the cave started to slope downwards. Though Steve feared that he might be attacked by a creature in the cave, he continued on, having no choice. Each step he took down the cave made him more and more uneasy, paranoid of the possible dangers that could finish him off.
Yet for the next half hour, Steve found nothing that could threaten him. By this time his eyes had adjusted, and he found himself so deep underground he could no longer determine how deep he was. Eventually he made it to the bottom of the impossibly long cavern, discovering a flat space that led to two tunnels. Steve took the right one, and continued on. The tunnel he took, like the previous cavern, was very much unremarkable. It went on mostly flat for an unmeasureable distance, with the walls slightly curving to the right. Time passed as Steve walked on, though no animal or monster were there to attack him.
Another half hour would pass before Steve felt the ground begin to slope upwards. Slowly but surely, with each step, the slope became more and more vertical. This gave Steve some trouble, as he found it a lot more tiring to limp uphill than downhill.
Yet another half hour and several breaks later, Steve finally made it to a flat circular room-ish cavern at the top of the tunnel. Straight ahead him was a smaller tunnel, a head shorter than himself, which he squeezed himself in, crawling all the way, as his injured foot wouldn't be able to support him crouching. It wasn't long before he found a glimmer of light at the other end, which suddenly excited Steve, who was eager to finally get out of the cave. He was close to the end of the tunnel, when he suddenly heard a screech from behind him, similar to the spider that attacked him the last time. "sh*t," Steve said, and with yet another adrenaline rush tried to crawl out as fast as he could so as not to be attack by yet another spider. He was nearly out, just right before the outside of the cave, when he felt the spider begin to crawl upon his legs. Turning himself on his back, he saw it rearing in order to stab and bite him with great force. In an instant, he began wailing as much punches as he could, and the spider responded by hitting Steve hard with its limbs and attempting to bite him.
The two wrestled and wrestled, as Steve tried as much as he can to survive the onslaught. Then suddenly, with a lucky punch, he managed to punch the spider's eye out. It wailed and recoiled in pain, leaving Steve with an opportunity to escape. Looking out the cave, it was already morning, and he found what appeared to be the edge of a cliff high above, seeing as Steve could only see the sky beyond it. Getting up on his feet, he grabbed the spider and kneed it in the face using his leg with the sprained ankle. Then, he took hold of one of the spider's limbs, and dragged it out of the cave with barely any resistance, as it was still rolling over in pain. He limped his way to the edge, dragging the spider all the way, and proceeded to get behind the spider and push it off the cliff.
He watched the spider fall all the way down. As it fell, he saw just how high he was. He guessed himself to be about a hundred and forty meters high, and he watched the spider impact the ground violently, and eventually roll over, dead.
"I killed an animal. Holy sh*t," Steve said to himself, relieved that his ordeal in the caves was finally over. He then took his time to look around. He was at what seemed to be right below the top of a really high hill, and not far away from the hills was a humunguous desert that streched as far as the eye could see. He then climbed on top of the hill and looked at the direction from where he came from. Not far away was the sea, followed by what appeared to be a jungle island right at the far horizon. "So I passed a tunnel below the sea?" Steve asked to no one in particular.
He would later find a path downhill that led straight down to the bottom of the hill, down to what little vegetation there was by the hill, and right by the dunes of the desert.
He was thirsty and starving. Bad news, considering that he was now in a desert. Yet again, Steve had no choice but to continue on, and hopefully reach an oasis or any place that would give him relief.
Steve spent the rest of the day from morning till sunset, doing nothing but walk amongst the dunes and breezing sands, with no end to the wasteland in sight. He found nothing around other than scant cactuses, and occasional passing vultures in the sky. He did not know how many miles he had travelled by now. Steve looked up at the sky, gazing at the setting sun, now only barely above the horizon. The sky was clear and was a bright, rich red, slowly turning into the darkness of night.
Night came, and Steve stopped. He sat down on the dunes, completely and utterly exhausted. He thirsted and he hungered, yet there was nothing to be seen in all directions. He lied down on his back, and gazed at the stars. Steve felt an ironic feeling in his heart; for such a beautiful sight to behold, here he was, battered and starving to death in a desert in an unknown land. He felt drowziness begin to overtake him, and the world slowly faded to black as his eyes closed.
He awoke the next morning, with an intense breeze blowing sand all over him. Getting up on his feet, he found his ankle actually feeling better for once. He tried to stand completely on it, rather than limp with his other leg, and found that it wasn't as painful as before. Then he tried to walk on it, and he felt a sharp, sudden pain. "Alright, it's still not fully healed," he said to himself.
He continued his journey for the next few hours, and his thirst and starvation worsened by the minute. At times the only thing on his mind was food and drink, other times it would be whether he should just die, or whether it was all just a dream. Or maybe, by some crackpot theory, he was transported by something, or someone, here. Nevertheless, he pushed himself on, intent on surviving no matter what.
There was no relief in the blazing sands. The sands were hot and blowing hard, and the sun stood in full glory in the sky, unleashing, more or less, the fullest potential of its heat on the planet. There were no oases in sight, and still no sign of any civilization.
He later approached an area with calm winds and very large and wavy dunes, like soft hills made of nothing but sand. Then, Steve suddenly heard a noise past one dune. It wasn't a noise like that of an animal at all, and Steve's curiousity was piqued. It sounded...human. He made it up the dune, and spied something he never thought he'd ever see.
People.
Steve saw a rather dark-skinned man, whose most peculiar features were his large nose and large eyes. Steve guessed him to be his height, and seemed to be dressed in a green robe like that of the color of leaves. He was accompanied by his mule and what seemed to be his son, similar in appearance, too. The man was holding a bucket of water in his hands, and was letting his mule drink and be refreshed.
"Kulètot, ov avo. Nèshelèch mokh'avdokhlev", the man said to his mule in a language that Steve could not comprehend. "Renleph, shamèdz shrakhlev laper?" The son asked his father while the father was still letting the mule drink. Steve understood nothing. "Kolffe shirèv oneki'otz nef-she'ha'chkar," the man replied to his son, just as the mule finished drinking. "Shi'av ot'och," the man finished. He picked up his son, put him on the mule, then mounted it and began riding away, headed diagonally right from where Steve was facing. Though he was unable to interact with the two, he figured that if he followed the mule's tracks, he could find other people, or better yet, a town.
His hopes rejuvenated, and the pain of his ankle ignored in happiness, Steve walked excitedly, finally finding signs of civilization. Though they spoke an incomprehensible language, the need for salvation from the desert was overwhelming, and Steve figured that he'd rather head for foreign lands than die any time soon.
Steve ventured on for 5 more hours. His hope had reawakened his exhausted body, but the desert remained vast and was already sapping what little strength he had left. Eventually, he spotted by the horizon a very peculiar sight. He couldn't tell what it was, and whether it was a mirage or not, but nevertheless, he made his way for it. It was better for him to take his chances now rather than remain in the wasteland.
As he got closer, he eventually started seeing trees in the distance, and the ground below him was becoming less sandy and more soil-ish as he walked. Eventually, he started seeing scant patches of grass scattered all around, until he eventually found himself facing a large dry plain with some trees and grass all over the place. In the distance, he saw a great, big rectangle of a material Steve couldn't discern as of yet.
He went even closer, and his hopes of finding civilization were confirmed. From where Steve was it appeared to be a tall building made of stone, with glass windows. Steve looked below it, and found a great multitude of houses and other buildings, an endless mix of stone and wood forming a great large village.
He walked towards it with a smile on his face, though weak in his grueling ordeal in the jungles and deserts of wherever he was. The thought of salvation overrode everything on Steve's mind.
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Translations and word-by-word grammar of the language spoken by the father and son:
"Kulètot, ov avo. Nèshelèch mokh'avdokhlev" - (Drink up, my boy, Nèshelèch isn't far now) (drink-do, boy me-of. Nèshelèch now-not-be-far)
"Renleph, shamèdz shrakhlev laper?" - (Father, how far still until we get there?) (male-parent, question: farness of [Nèshelèch]?)
"Kolffe shirèv oneki'otz fachut-she'ha'chkar" (About ten kilometers more) (Approximate plus one-zero-count thousand-lengths ["ch'kar" = "length", 1 ch'kar = 1 meter; "fachut" = "thousand"])
"Shi'av ot'och" (Let's go) (Us-be do-go)
Chapter 3: Salvation
Then two strong arms grabbed Steve's arms and began lifting him up, gradually managing to pull him up the well. When he was finally on solid ground, he coughed and groaned, his back on the floor. The man who lifted him out, apparently a soldier, armed with armor and a sword, kicked Steve lightly in the sides, pointing his unsheathed sword at Steve. "Shamèdz i'oyim? Oyishkhe'abuch!" the man threateningly shouted at Steve. Steve looked around. A great crowd had their eyes upon him, intrigued by the manner of his arrival in town. Each and every one of them, like the man Steve saw in the desert, were brown skinned, all with the identifying features of their large eyes and noses. "What? I don't understand!" Steve replied with a strained voice. "Edshev okhnatzge'afesh hèhesh azvo! Shèloyìtzav!" the man replied, seemingly frustrated. Steve saw the crowd gossiping, whispering, murmuring, no doubt discussing what was going on. Then a woman in the crowd interrupted "Shamèdz al az'hot lape'od?", which turned the crowd from silent whispering to a fierce debate on what should be done to Steve. Whatever they were saying, all Steve felt was the foreboding feeling that something might happen to him. It did not help when Steve saw even more soldiers arriving and surrounding him, very suspicious of Steve's presence. All he wanted right now was to be relieved of his intense hunger and thirst.
Then a man with a green robe, glasses, very meticulously combed hair, and a book, stepped forwards, approaching Steve. Skimming the book while examining Steve, he then commented, "Lap na'ashokh layìnolèv. Ha'da-ìffere'idz lapvo okhrunev, kinish leph shère'idz go'ovku". Then someone in the crowd interrupted "Shofav lape h'fèsh lov Nèha'di'osh?". That remark suddenly made the crowd noisy and fierce with debate again, and this time, the gazes upon him were starting to take a menacing and aggressive look. The soldiers surrounding him had their swords all pointed at him, staring at him with intense suspicion.
It was then that a man suddenly shouted out "U'idz!". With that, the whole crowd immediate turned quiet, and made way for a very old, bald man with purple robes and a cane. He was accompanied by a young woman that immediately caught Steve's attention; she was light-brown skinned, her wavy hair was similarly light brown, of medium length, and she wore a flowing green dress, that perfectly complimented her apperance. She also carried a book, just like the other man in green robes that examined him awhile ago. Steve found himself instantly attracted to her, inasmuch as her probably not speaking the same language as him. His fixation upon her was suddenly interrupted by the old man, who said with a loud, clear, and commanding to the crowd "Shamèdz hèpheyì? Shamèdz kelshlaph mokhèg al katu lap lachkeldesh?". The soldier that pulled Steve out of the water then replied "Lape tazalèd rèruv kayid gekulèttut rèramnolèv. Akkelshlaph avkumokheg al katu lap lachkeldèsh. Ha'da-ìffe aphokhmokheg. Lape otge'afesh hèhesh kokhmokhèg", to which the old man nodded.
Feeling the need to at least speak something, Steve interrupted "I only want food and water. I'm lost, and I don't have any memories of how I got here. I'm starving to death and I just want help". It was with this statement that the lady accompanying the old man suddenly raised her eyebrow, giving a curious stare at Steve. She then whispered something to the old man, who then nodded in agreement to something, and with that the woman walked towards Steve, and knelt above Steve, who was still lying on the ground.
"Wuh-hat ees yowr nah-meh?" she said. Steve couldn't tell whether it was gibberish or not, as it vaguely sounded like "what is your name?" with a ridiculously heavy accent to him. "Can you repeat that?" he asked the lady. She did not reply, however. Instead, she opened the book, took out a very unusual-looking pencil, and wrote. When she was done, she turned the book around and showed Steve what she had written.
What is your name? was written on it. Steve was completely surprised. She knows English? he thought. She then handed Steve the pencil, who then sat up, borrowed the book, and wrote down Steve on it, then handed it back to her. "Steh-veh," she then said, nodding. Her accent is ridiculously thick, Steve thought. Then the lady wrote another thing down, taking somewhat more time than what she previously wrote, then gave it to Steve. Write here who you, where you from, and why you here, it read. Ignoring the omission of "are", Steve then took the book and started writing down.
My name is Steve. I don't remember, or even have memories, of where I come from, all I know is that I awoke in a beach in a far island. I then survived a few days through jungles, caves, and finally the desert that led me here. I have not eaten in days. I mean no harm. he wrote down, and gave to the lady. She then started reading it intensely with difficulty, while the crowd observed with great curiosity. "Shamèdz hi'u tu'esh?" people were saying, curious of what Steve wrote down. After a minute of reading what Steve wrote, the lady then made a rather long winded explanation to everyone in her language that he could barely even bother to hear anymore. All he wanted now was food in his stomach, just to end his starvation.
When the lady ended, the crowd began making murmurs of "oh"s and "ah"s, while making small debates still on the nature of Steve. The soldiers that had been surrounding Steve dropped their guard, and the old man in purple robes then went towards Steve and the woman, and whispered something to the woman in their language. When he was done, the lady then said "follow us" to Steve. With that, Steve got up, albeit slowly. When he finally got up, the old man then said to the crowd "Azot hèchekhen al lape", and with that, the old man went on his way along with the lady, while Steve followed. As the sun began to set and Steve got escorted away, the crowd slowly dispersed.
Much later, during dinner, Steve was chomping down on his food like a barbarian. The old man in robes had invited Steve to dinner at his house, which was actually the church of the town, and was actually the tall stone building Steve had seen before he entered the village. Steve guessed him to be some kind of priest in the village, as the building happened to be adorned with multiple exotic artifacts that Steve guessed to be religious items. They happened to be on the rather small second floor, where the priest had seemingly crammed all his living amenities in; his bed, his dining table, his kitchen, and a small bathroom in the corner were all contained within a single room. The only up happened to be a ladder, which boggled Steve to no end as to how the priest could even climb it at his age.
Steve ate with reckless abandon, regardless of how he crudely mannered he was in front of the young English-speaking lady that also accompanied him to the church. Right now, the only thing that mattered right now was regaining his strength by eating and drinking as much as possible, and so Steve left the priest and the lady to discuss among themselves. The food itself was rather unremarkable; it was a simple dish of chicken and potatoes.
The rest of the dinner continued on without much interaction between Steve and the two strangers that allowed him to eat with them. Steve was eating so much he was leaving nothing but bone as he ate, while the other two were having a debate in their incomprehensible language. Steve observed them as he ate, noticing how the priest would debate in a wise-sounding manner, with very much seemingly extensive knowledge of whatever he was talking about, while the lady was making passionate long winded arguments to the priest, though they did more often than not seemed to agree on some things. Steve especially had his eyes on the lady, as he had found himself rather infatuated with her, even though he barely knew her. Her voice was like that of an angel, even if he couldn't understand what she was saying. But what really got Steve's attention was her face. He had a particular weakness for beautiful faces, and hers was just so absolutely beautiful. Steve could do nothing but gaze at her with intense attraction, though in a manner that wouldn't seem suspicious if she ever looked at him.
A awkward moment of silence then came in the lady and the priest's debate. Steve stared at both of them, who had by know finished their meals. Seeking to break the silence, Steve decided to finally speak. "Hey, um, I'd just like to thank you guys for-" "Spe-ak mo-re slow, ple-ase. Ee want understand wuh-hat yow sahyeeng mo-re," she interrupted with her crude English. Despite her mostly indecipherable accent, Steve managed to understand what she was trying to say. "Oh. Well, yeah, I'd just like to thank you guys for allowing me to stay here. I don't think I would have lived longer if it weren't for you guys. I really hope I didn't trouble you guys or anything, I just wanna say...thanks a lot," Steve said, this time more slowly than before. The lady translated what she could to the old man. After he heard what she said, he nodded with a smile, and proceeded to reply, which the lady translated. "Eet ees o-ur ple-a-su-re," she managed to say with a smile. "Can I just ask what are your names?" Steve then added. "My nah-meh ees Ha'irev, he ees Kèlovtzuqen," she replied back, pointing to herself and the priest. Steve nodded in understanding.
Steve then heard a voice coming from the ground floor, saying "Ha'irev! Nud noyì'och!". He sounded exactly like the man who examined him a while ago. Then Ha'irev replied "Shayì, renleph!". She then stood up, and saying her goodbyes to the old man, left. As she climbed down the ladder leading downstairs, she waved goodbye at Steve, who waved his hand back.
"I wonder how she could even speak my language..." Steve asked to no one on particular. Then the priest tapped his shoulder, and getting Steve's attention, pointed to an extra mattress provided for him, on the floor. Steve, who guessed that this was where he would go to sleep for this night, nodded.
15 minutes later, after helping the priest wash the dishes, Steve finally dropped down on his temporary bed. He was now full and refreshed, and no doubt would he be able to regain his strength in the next few days. As he closed his eyes, he thought of what awaited him in this strange new land, and what would await him tomorrow.
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Translations and word-by-word grammar of the language
(Ch and kh = hard "h"
è = very fast "ee"
ì = not pronounced
Dz = j
Q = Ch)
- "Shamèdz i'oyim? Oyishkhe'abuch!" (Who are you? Answer!) (Question you-who? Do-answer-give!)
- "Edshev okhnatzge'afesh hèhesh azvo! Shèloyìtzav!" (Tha ******* can't speak our language! Horsesh*t! (******* no-can-speak language us-of! Horsesh*t!)
- "Shamèdz al az'hot lape'od?" (What should do to him?) (question re: us-act regarding-to [him])
- "Lap na'ashokh layìnolèv. Ha'da-ìffere'idz lapvo okhrunev, kinish leph shère'idz go'ovku." (He doesn't seem to be from here. His racial features are unfamiliar, nothing like in the book) (Referred no-seem here-from. Ethnic-appearance-quality referred-of no-familiar, un-similar compared-to qualities book-in)
- "Shofav lape h'fèsh lov Nèha'di'osh?" (Maybe he is a spy from Southia?) (Possible-be referred-to spy for Southia?)
- "U'idz!" (Silence!)
- "Shamèdz hèpheyì? Shamèdz kelshlaph mokhèg al katu lap lachkeldesh?" (What's going on? Does anyone know who this stranger is? (Question: happening? Question: random-person know regarding identity of stranger?)
- "Lape tazalèd rèruv kayid gekulèttut rèramnolèv. Akkelshlaph avkumokheg al katu lap lachkeldèsh. Ha'da-ìffe aphokhmokheg. Lape otge'afesh hèhesh kokhmokhèg". (This man tresspassed the village and then tried to drink from the well. No one knows who this person is, at all. His ethnicity is unknown, too, and he speaks a language no one knows.) (referred[-to] tresspassed village then drink-did well-from. No-random-pers be-knowing re: identity of stranger. Ethnic-appearance no-know. Referred[-to] do-speak language none-know)
- "Shamèdz hi'u tu'esh?" (What did he say?) (question: [what] he said?)
- "Azot hèchekhen al lape" (We'll take care of him) (Us-do manage re: [him])
- "Ha'irev! Nud noyì'och! (Ha'irev! Time to go home!) (Ha-irev, time home-go!)
- "Shayì, renleph!" (Yes, father)
__________
Until then, happy writing!
-sc1020
Where am I? He thought. Picking himself up, he discovered himself in a beach. *I don't know this place. How did I get here?* He thought, only to realize that his memory was erased.
Quick question. How do you realize your memory was erased?
The jungle still continued to be endless.
Still Continued to be endless... This is really able to be lengthened, if you don't understand what i mean click this link.
Steve could barely see the sky, what with the canopy being incredibly thick.
What with the canopy being so thick could also follow this example.
Little did he know that the green monster had managed to make its way in and creep silently behind Steve, who still was exhausted and had his back turned.
Using this rips you out of the story a bit, if you didn't have this or you changed it so it was closer to his perspective rather than a ananymous tip...
Good length for a beginning chapter though.
Also, in what way is it stereotypical? Just curious, I might need to see how much more originality I can add later.
Don't be disappointed when nobody comments and stuff. The Literature subsection is like a library and this is one out of many books. Do people scribble their opinions on the books? No, right? Think of it that way. This place is kinda slow in terms of replies and such but if you add content, they will come and become more interested etc. etc.
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Curse PremiumThere did not seem to be any major issues with grammar or punctuation, since I had no trouble reading this. Your story contains sufficient and relevant detail which gets your points across, although adding more wouldn't hurt. Also, I really like how you portrayed the villagers.
There was only one issue that stood out in my mind, which was how Steve became emaciated in only two days without food or water. At the very most, one would think that Steve would be tired and cranky.
Point taken. I was just a bit disappointed no one read Ch. 2 when I updated, I feel discouraged without feedback.
Thanks for the review :D. And on the "emaciated" thing, I think I misused the word.
TT2000, you are genius.
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Curse PremiumHey, happy to help.
As far as detail goes, consider taking a descriptive word/phrase with a broad meaning, and replacing it with more precise phrase(s) that also imply that broad meaning. For example:
Could be expanded like this:
Precise detail can be useful to reinforce your surroundings, make description more vivid, and give you, as a writer, more opportunities to advance the setting and the plot. I can't really say specifically where your story could improve from this; I just picked the ocelot sentence more or less randomly. I'll try to explain what detail I added and why I added it. Of course, you may have different priorities of what detail is more relevant compared to others, and what words you feel are best to use, based on what feeling you want your story to convey.
The first clause replaces broad words and reinforcing the scene's surroundings. "Continued to" is one precise way to say "on" which makes the meaning more clear, because of the fact that "on" has other purposes that relate to direction. "Cut his way through the dense jungle" describes specifically how the character traveled.
The second clause is a matter of word choice. "Spotted" implies that the character is both looking at the ocelots, and is somewhat distant from the ocelots, which makes sense considering ocelots are shy. I chose the word "crowd" because it implies a group of living things. One could also include a description of the exact number and infant/adult composition of the group of ocelots, but personally I would find this too wordy to be put in the same sentence, if I chose to include that information.
The third clause takes a broad verb and a commonly used phrase and replaces them both with specific actions. It implies playfulness, which in turn implies joyfulness, and that they aren't reacting much to their surroundings, but not necessarily that they don't care about their surroundings, as "without a care in the world" might imply.