Very impressive, although if I might add one thing, it might be a little more intriguing if the chapters ended with a large danger, instead of some of the endings in the earlier chapters. Perhaps in the future bring Ashley to the brink of insanity where her two personalities collide? This might provide an internal source of disruption, as opposed to the outside exposure usually used in these cases.
Not meaning to belittle your work, and I hope to see more of it in the future.
Very impressive, although if I might add one thing, it might be a little more intriguing if the chapters ended with a large danger, instead of some of the endings in the earlier chapters. Perhaps in the future bring Ashley to the brink of insanity where her two personalities collide? This might provide an internal source of disruption, as opposed to the outside exposure usually used in these cases.
Not meaning to belittle your work, and I hope to see more of it in the future.
She is working on it, having all of your chapters end in danger gets boring. But she is definitely working on the insanity. I update at least once a week.
Nice chapter! I read some of it (sorry, I'm kind of busy :P), and I liked the dialogue and the tension that permeated the entire chapter. I'm excited to read more!
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
I am working on rewriting all of the current chapters as i am self-imposing a new criteria for my work.
One of those criteria is a word count minimum of 2,000 words...
At least it adds challenge right?
I spent the last hour working on getting that last couple of words... :\
But it got done.
The storyline should stay roughly the same...
Though the actual events, I can't promise anything.
Appearance: When in battle, Diomedes wears full obsidian armor. When he isn't, he wears thiner armor. Which is at least more vulnerable than his full armor. He wears a chain around his neck with an Ender Pearl is, which was his father's before... (read Bio)
Special weapon or item: A sword made of Enderstone (Things just got magical)
Bio: [This is kind of weird in a way. If you don't accept it because of this bio, I'm fine. :)]
When he was a mere infant and had just been spawned into the new world, or The End, his house was under attack. He does not know why to this day, but he remembers his father taking him to the safest place, which was with his other family. He grew up as a child with his grandparents and didn't see his parents until he was seven. His father told him that his mother died, suffering a rare disease from the effects of attacking years ago and died a week ago. She was in great pain and his father buried her nearby their attacked home on a hill.
Diomedes continued to live with his grandparents, angry at his father for letting her die. By the time Diomedes reached the age of ten, he was taken away to fight in the military. In the End, there were some problems in society at the moment which were predicted to last a few years (which is different in the time of the Overworld). He worked hard as a child and stayed in the military for ten years. He was not allowed any contact to his father or his grandparents. He escaped, with his skill, and returned to the home of his grandparent's. Upon arriving, he found the house in ruins and his grandparents dead in the center of the house, piled under rubble.
Diomedes rushed to the home of is father's house and was glad for once to see him alive. His father told him to leave, but Diomedes was foolish and stayed no matter how his father tried to get him out. Moments later, the door blew open and out came several creatures which covered their faces. Diomedes and his father defended themselves, but at the end, the house was broken down and his father trapped in the house and crushed. Diomedes witnessed his own father died and had no family he knew of to go to.
Angry, Diomedes seemed out a way out of the cursed world and found a way. He broke into a few places and kidnapped a few Endermen and Enderwomen, collecting information. Eventually, he found the Ender Portal. Using it, he escaped to the Overworld and was unable to be tracked after he had gone through. Due to a time glitch, he had aged and the number twenty-eight floated in his mind. And he assumed that was his age.
He learned of the weaknesses he had in the Overworld and what a dangerous place it was. He almost died nearly forty-three times he counted. He seeks out nothing and fights in honor of himself, and attacks every so often. Perhaps a real companion and to know what he really wants, for he has made allies before in that world, but only to be betray them and grow more enemies.
@Once i like the character, i think i have the perfect spots for him to. j j @fox i try, but i have a whole set up after this... Would like this to be better.
Not meaning to belittle your work, and I hope to see more of it in the future.
974 words.:D
Would love feedback. :|
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Curse Premium@asanetargoss. They technically are the same person, so they have to balance each other out.
It wheighs in at 1,026 words.
TT2000, you are genius.
One of those criteria is a word count minimum of 2,000 words...
At least it adds challenge right?
I spent the last hour working on getting that last couple of words... :\
But it got done.
The storyline should stay roughly the same...
Though the actual events, I can't promise anything.
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Species: Enderman (SUPPORT!)
Appearance: When in battle, Diomedes wears full obsidian armor. When he isn't, he wears thiner armor. Which is at least more vulnerable than his full armor. He wears a chain around his neck with an Ender Pearl is, which was his father's before... (read Bio)
Special weapon or item: A sword made of Enderstone (Things just got magical)
Bio: [This is kind of weird in a way. If you don't accept it because of this bio, I'm fine. :)]
When he was a mere infant and had just been spawned into the new world, or The End, his house was under attack. He does not know why to this day, but he remembers his father taking him to the safest place, which was with his other family. He grew up as a child with his grandparents and didn't see his parents until he was seven. His father told him that his mother died, suffering a rare disease from the effects of attacking years ago and died a week ago. She was in great pain and his father buried her nearby their attacked home on a hill.
Diomedes continued to live with his grandparents, angry at his father for letting her die. By the time Diomedes reached the age of ten, he was taken away to fight in the military. In the End, there were some problems in society at the moment which were predicted to last a few years (which is different in the time of the Overworld). He worked hard as a child and stayed in the military for ten years. He was not allowed any contact to his father or his grandparents. He escaped, with his skill, and returned to the home of his grandparent's. Upon arriving, he found the house in ruins and his grandparents dead in the center of the house, piled under rubble.
Diomedes rushed to the home of is father's house and was glad for once to see him alive. His father told him to leave, but Diomedes was foolish and stayed no matter how his father tried to get him out. Moments later, the door blew open and out came several creatures which covered their faces. Diomedes and his father defended themselves, but at the end, the house was broken down and his father trapped in the house and crushed. Diomedes witnessed his own father died and had no family he knew of to go to.
Angry, Diomedes seemed out a way out of the cursed world and found a way. He broke into a few places and kidnapped a few Endermen and Enderwomen, collecting information. Eventually, he found the Ender Portal. Using it, he escaped to the Overworld and was unable to be tracked after he had gone through. Due to a time glitch, he had aged and the number twenty-eight floated in his mind. And he assumed that was his age.
He learned of the weaknesses he had in the Overworld and what a dangerous place it was. He almost died nearly forty-three times he counted. He seeks out nothing and fights in honor of himself, and attacks every so often. Perhaps a real companion and to know what he really wants, for he has made allies before in that world, but only to be betray them and grow more enemies.
Any questions?
Balance: Evil
Best of luck! You should try to refer to your previous stories and get better from there.
:e
TT2000, you are genius.