Notch was running, running through the vast and barren plains. The world seemed to whisk by him as he ran. His heart was thudding in his chest. I have to get to him, Notch thought. I have to. The plains stretched into a thermal desert. The heat picked up over time, but Notch did not slow his pace. He ran as hard as he can through the desert. Finally, he came to a cave made of stone. Notch hopped into it, and there he was.
"Hero!" Notch panted. "Why are you doing this?"
Hero turned, and Notch saw his piercing white eyes. "It's Herobrine, brother. Herobrine."
"What has happened to you?" Notch questioned. "You can't do this."
Notch gestured to a tall rectangle made of Obsidian. Herobrine pulled out flint and steel from his pocket. He lit the Obsidian, and a violet void appeared.
"Hero, listen to me!" Notch pleaded. "You've changed. You are not yourself. Please, just come back. I can help you."
"No!" Herobrine yelled. He pushed his brother to the stone ground. "It is you that has changed me. The villagers like you better. The Mobs won't harm you. You're the great one! I--I am nothing," he spat.
"I didn't--" Herobrine cut Notch off.
"Didn't realize? It's too late! I'm going. You can't stop me," Herobrine began moving towards the portal. "So long, brother." And then, he was gone.
The Overworld had never been appealing to Herobrine. Now, he had the Nether. The flowing lava and deadly Mobs seemed to be paradise to him. Over the years, the Nether would change Herobrine. It turned him evil, and Herobrine had no idea of what he had become: A monster.
Chapter One: The Veil of Herobrine
Herobrine stood on the Netherrack cliff, looking over a lava pool below. He felt anger, hatred. Herobrine turned to see his loyal Pigmen. "We are ready, Master," said one of the Pigmen. "Good," replied Herobrine. "Prepare for battle."
Herobrine and his army charged. The Wither Skeletons met the Pigmen swiftly. But the Pigmen were too powerful. One by one, the Wither Skeletons were slain. Herobrine saw the Wither, perched on a high cliff. "Come down, coward!" Herobrine taunted. The Wither leapt into battle. This is what Herobrine was hoping for. He threw his diamond sword. It connected with the Wither's middle head. The Wither roared in rage. Herobrine took this opportunity to jump on top of the Wither. He shoved an entire Potion of Poison down the beast's throat on the right head. The poison was too much for the Wither, and it met its demise.
Notch woke with a start. That was more than a dream. It was a vision. Jonah must know about this, Notch thought.
***
Notch walked with the Jonah, the village librarian. They chatted as they strolled along the beach.
"How is the library?" Notch asked anxiously.
"Come now," said Jonah. "You did not come all this way to ask me about my job. Something is troubling you. What is it?"
"It's Hero," explained Notch. "I had a vision of him...killing the Wither."
"You had a Veil?" asked Jonah in shock. "A Veil of Herobrine? That is pretty extraordinary. What you have told me must be true."
"I'm worried, Jonah," said Notch.
"I am sure I have a book or two on Veils," said Jonah compassionately. "I can lend you it." Notch gave him a silent thank you.
There came a sudden cry from nearby. Notch rushed towards the sound. A boat was perched along the shore. Inside was a small baby.
"How did it get here?" Jonah asked, catching up to Notch. Notch had no answer. "It could be a sign. I could look in one of my books..."
Notch was busy staring at the baby. It had black hair and wore a blue shirt. It reminded him of something... Without warning, Notch sprinted away from the beach, leaving Jonah to care for the child.
Chapter Two: Notch's Tale
Years and years passed with no sign of Notch. He had simply vanished. Jonah took the young child home and adopted him. His name was to be Sam. Sam grew up happily as the librarian's son. He adored books, like his father. Sam was always interested in Mobs. But his favorite subject?
Herobrine.
Sam had discovered the name in a book entitled: The Creator: A Biography of Notch. Sam learned of the disastrous turn of Notch's brother, and how he had become ruler of the Nether.
Sam attempted to draw information from his father many times. The librarian always refused to tell him. Sam was always reading the book. He was well into the 1100s in pages. Sam was also on one of the last chapters: Notch's Reunion. It told of how Notch went back to the Nether to plead with Herobrine to return. Once Sam had finished the book down, he turned to his father.
"Dad? Can you please tell me about Herobrine?"
Jonah opened his mouth, but at that moment, the door crashed open. There stood Notch.
"Notch!" exclaimed Jonah. "Where've you been?"
"Around," Notch grumbled. He no longer had that enlightening voice. It was cold, harsh. Sam looked at Notch in wonder. And Notch stared back. He eyed the book. "Interested in my biography, are you?"
Sam could not speak. He was eyeing his hero, face to face.
"Can you tell me about Herobrine?" Sam asked.
"DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME IN MY PRESENCE!" Notch roared.
"I'm s-sorry," stuttered Sam. He was shocked at how angry Notch had gotten. Notch saw the fear in the child's face.
"Well...maybe I can tell you."
"Hero and I lived here in peace, until Hero got a thirst for power. He was jealous of how the villagers and Mobs respected me. Hero tried to be accepted by the Mobs."
"What?" Sam blurted. "That wasn't in the biography!"
"My brother tried to become one with the Mobs. But they rejected him. So Hero went on a rampage. He nearly destroyed all of the Overworld in the process. That's when he built the Nether portal. And he left. Now, he has what he wanted. He is king of the Nether."
Sam was speechless.
"Seriously, where have you been for the last ten years?" Jonah asked.
"To tell you the truth, I was following some interesting leads. Some say strange things are going on. Well, I believe I have to go."
"Please stay!" said Sam.
"No, no," said Jonah. "Notch needs to rest. Plus, we need to prepare for your birthday tomorrow."
Sam had nearly forgotten. He was turning eleven. "Good bye, Notch," called Jonah as Notch left.
Sam spent almost the entire night reading the biography. The story seemed more interesting for some reason.
Chapter Three: Birthday Surprises
Sam woke up the next morning feeling excited. It was his birthday! His father was making a cake to eat. But he wasn't the only one there. Notch was sitting at the table.
"Happy birthday, Sam," Notch told him.
"Thanks!" Sam's spirits lifted. Notch was actually at his birthday!
"We both have gifts for you," Jonah told his son.
Sam opened his father's present first. It was an encyclopedia of Overworld Mobs. Next, he opened Notch's present.
"Whoa!" Sam exclaimed.
It was a diamond sword!
"Don't get any ideas," Jonah joked.
"Maybe you could make a use of it and get us some fresh pork chops!" Notch said with a chuckle.
***
Sam wandered the hills near the village. He was wondering why Notch himself would give him a sword. Especially a diamond one. He saw a pig walk by. Pork chops! Sam laughed as he chased the pig. He give up after half a minute. He sat down to rest.
"That's a nice sword you got there."
Sam turned. A man in brown robes was standing in front of him. Sam could not see his face.
"T-Thanks," Sam said.
"Happy birthday, Sam," said the strange man. Before Sam could react, the man shouted, "Come!"
In an instant, a dog appeared by the man's side. "He's for you," said the man.
"Really?" Sam asked. The man nodded. He looked at the dog. "I'll call you Pip." The dog wagged its tail and licked Sam's face. Sam turned towards the man. "Who are you?"
The man pulled the hood of the robe away from his face. Sam saw hypnotizing, white eyes. White eyes.
Sam scrambled to his feet. "You're-You're-Herobrine!"
"Sam-" Herobrine began.
"Stay away from me!" Sam yelled.
Herobrine lunged at him, and grabbed Sam by his tunic. "Sam, listen to me!" Herobrine hissed.
"UNHAND HIM!"
Sam looked to see Notch and Jonah running towards them. Herobrine quickly whispered in Sam's ear, "Sam, you must meet me here at midnight. You cannot trust them. I've come to take you to live with me."
Notch and Jonah were almost to them now.
"Sam!" Herobrine hissed. "Trust me. You are my son."
Chapter Four: The Midnight Meeting
Herobrine vanished before Sam could respond. Jonah ran over to Sam.
"Sam! Are you all right, son?"
"You're...not my dad," Sam whispered.
"Sam-"
"It was Herobrine!" Sam yelled. "He-"
"-told you," Notch finished. Sam nodded.
"What the hell was he doing back here?" Notch roared.
"He came for me," Sam told him. "He gave me a dog."
"Hero can be very...enticing," Notch told him. "Come, now. Let's go back to the house."
***
The sun was setting. Sam was laying in his bed. He could not keep his mind off Herobrine. Sam, you must meet me here at midnight. You cannot trust them. I've come to take you to live with me.
From all Sam had read and heard about Herobrine, he was said to be evil. But he didn't sound evil. He sounded...concerned. I'll go to the meeting, Sam thought, just to see what he wants.
***
Midnight arrived. Sam put on a fresh tunic and slipped out the door. The air was cold. Sam shivered as he walked through the village.
He arrived at the hill. Herobrine was not there. Where is he? Has he decided not to come. But then, Sam saw something moving up ahead.
Herobrine was wearing his robe, just like before. He approached Sam and towered over him. "My son," he said in an astonished voice. "You came."
"What do you want with me?" Sam asked. "If I'm your son, why did you just dump me here and not let me live with you in the Nether?"
"Sam, you must understand! The Wither was at large, and the Nether is much too dangerous for a child. I had to make sure you'd come of age before I allowed you to stay with me."
"I don't-think I can trust you," said Sam.
"I'm sure you can't," said Herobrine. "You must have learned a lot of stuff about me."
"It's all true!"
"Sam-"
"No!" yelled Sam. "It's true and you know it! You're...evil!"
"I know," said Herobrine angrily. "Just come with me. Listen to your father!"
The wind slapped harder at Sam's face. Sam shook his head. "I'm happy here."
Was that...disappointment on Herobrine's face? "Then I guess this is good-bye," said Herobrine. "But I'll be back. You can count on that." Herobrine vanished, leaving Sam alone on the hill.
I cannot continue this story until the good and evil character applications are completed. :\
Firstly, your "Prologue" heading should probably be outside the story, so it can be found easily once you write and post more chapters, if you are going to.
Prologue ~~ Notch was running, running through the vast and barren plains. The world seemed to whisk by him as he ran. His heart was thudding in his chest. I have to get to him, Notch thought. I have to. The plains stretched into a thermal desert. The heat picked up immediately,
Wouldn't the heat rise gradually, rather than "immediately", if he were going into an area with a different climate?
but Notch did not slow his pace. He ran as hard as he can could through the desert.Finally, he came to a cave made of stone. Notch hopped into it, and there he was.
"Hero!" Notch panted. "Why are you doing this?" Hero turned, and Notch saw his piercing white eyes. "It's Herobrine, brother. Herobrine." "What has happened to you?" Notch questioned. "You can't do this." Notch gestured to a tall rectangle made of Obsidian.
You should describe that it's hollow so readers know that it's a portal.
Herobrine pulled out flint and steel from his pocket. He lit the Obsidian, and a violet void appeared. "Hero, listen to me!" Notch pleaded. "You've changed. You are not yourself. Please, just come back. I can help you." "No!" Herobrine yelled. He pushed his brother to the stone ground. "It is you that has changed me. The villagers like you better. The Mobs won't harm you. You're the great one! I--I am nothing," he spat. "I didn't--" Herobrine cut Notch off. "Didn't realize? It's too late! I'm going. You can't stop me," Herobrine began moving towards the portal. "So long, brother." And then, he was gone. The Overworld had never been appealing to Herobrine. Now, he had the Nether. The flowing lava and deadly Mobs seemed to be paradise to him. Over the years, the Nether changed Herobrine. It turned him evil, and Herobrine had no idea of what he had become: A monster.
You should make a gradual switch from Notch's point of view to the narrator's, because here it seems as though Notch is in the present at first and then suddenly begins reflecting on Herobrine as if he went to the Nether in the past. You might want to say that "the Nether would change Herobrine", rather than that it "did change" him.
I think the thing you need to improve on most is description. What does the environment around Notch before he goes into the cave look like? What is he thinking? What does the cave look like? What do Notch and Herobrine look like? If you describe things more readers will get a better idea of the scene you're trying to convey.
Anwyay, it was a good story and can be better if you improve on the things I talked about. I want to read the next few chapters if you're going to write them, and I am interested to see how you improve or change things in them. Keep writing!
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
Firstly, your "Prologue" heading should probably be outside the story, so it can be found easily once you write and post more chapters, if you are going to.
Prologue ~~ Notch was running, running through the vast and barren plains. The world seemed to whisk by him as he ran. His heart was thudding in his chest. I have to get to him, Notch thought. I have to. The plains stretched into a thermal desert. The heat picked up immediately,
Wouldn't the heat rise gradually, rather than "immediately", if he were going into an area with a different climate?
but Notch did not slow his pace. He ran as hard as he can could through the desert.Finally, he came to a cave made of stone. Notch hopped into it, and there he was.
"Hero!" Notch panted. "Why are you doing this?" Hero turned, and Notch saw his piercing white eyes. "It's Herobrine, brother. Herobrine." "What has happened to you?" Notch questioned. "You can't do this." Notch gestured to a tall rectangle made of Obsidian.
You should describe that it's hollow so readers know that it's a portal.
Herobrine pulled out flint and steel from his pocket. He lit the Obsidian, and a violet void appeared. "Hero, listen to me!" Notch pleaded. "You've changed. You are not yourself. Please, just come back. I can help you." "No!" Herobrine yelled. He pushed his brother to the stone ground. "It is you that has changed me. The villagers like you better. The Mobs won't harm you. You're the great one! I--I am nothing," he spat. "I didn't--" Herobrine cut Notch off. "Didn't realize? It's too late! I'm going. You can't stop me," Herobrine began moving towards the portal. "So long, brother." And then, he was gone. The Overworld had never been appealing to Herobrine. Now, he had the Nether. The flowing lava and deadly Mobs seemed to be paradise to him. Over the years, the Nether changed Herobrine. It turned him evil, and Herobrine had no idea of what he had become: A monster.
You should make a gradual switch from Notch's point of view to the narrator's, because here it seems as though Notch is in the present at first and then suddenly begins reflecting on Herobrine as if he went to the Nether in the past. You might want to say that "the Nether would change Herobrine", rather than that it "did change" him.
I think the thing you need to improve on most is description. What does the environment around Notch before he goes into the cave look like? What is he thinking? What does the cave look like? What do Notch and Herobrine look like? If you describe things more readers will get a better idea of the scene you're trying to convey.
Anwyay, it was a good story and can be better if you improve on the things I talked about. I want to read the next few chapters if you're going to write them, and I am interested to see how you improve or change things in them. Keep writing!
Thanks for the tips. I'll make it a priority to fix the story. The next chapters will be out soon!
Notch was running, running through the vast and barren plains. The world seemed to whisk by him as he ran. His heart was thudding in his chest. I have to get to him, Notch thought. I have to. The plains stretched into a thermal desert. The heat picked up over time, but Notch did not slow his pace. He ran as hard as he can through the desert. Finally, he came to a cave made of stone. Notch hopped into it, and there he was.
"Hero!" Notch panted. "Why are you doing this?"
Hero turned, and Notch saw his piercing white eyes. "It's Herobrine, brother. Herobrine."
"What has happened to you?" Notch questioned. "You can't do this."
Notch gestured to a tall rectangle made of Obsidian. Herobrine pulled out flint and steel from his pocket. He lit the Obsidian, and a violet void appeared.
"Hero, listen to me!" Notch pleaded. "You've changed. You are not yourself. Please, just come back. I can help you."
"No!" Herobrine yelled. He pushed his brother to the stone ground. "It is you that has changed me. The villagers like you better. The Mobs won't harm you. You're the great one! I--I am nothing," he spat.
"I didn't--" Herobrine cut Notch off.
"Didn't realize? It's too late! I'm going. You can't stop me," Herobrine began moving towards the portal. "So long, brother." And then, he was gone.
The Overworld had never been appealing to Herobrine. Now, he had the Nether. The flowing lava and deadly Mobs seemed to be paradise to him. Over the years, the Nether would change Herobrine. It turned him evil, and Herobrine had no idea of what he had become:
A monster.
Herobrine stood on the Netherrack cliff, looking over a lava pool below. He felt anger, hatred. Herobrine turned to see his loyal Pigmen.
"We are ready, Master," said one of the Pigmen.
"Good," replied Herobrine. "Prepare for battle."
Herobrine and his army charged. The Wither Skeletons met the Pigmen swiftly. But the Pigmen were too powerful. One by one, the Wither Skeletons were slain. Herobrine saw the Wither, perched on a high cliff.
"Come down, coward!" Herobrine taunted.
The Wither leapt into battle. This is what Herobrine was hoping for. He threw his diamond sword. It connected with the Wither's middle head. The Wither roared in rage. Herobrine took this opportunity to jump on top of the Wither. He shoved an entire Potion of Poison down the beast's throat on the right head. The poison was too much for the Wither, and it met its demise.
Notch woke with a start. That was more than a dream. It was a vision. Jonah must know about this, Notch thought.
***
Notch walked with the Jonah, the village librarian. They chatted as they strolled along the beach.
"How is the library?" Notch asked anxiously.
"Come now," said Jonah. "You did not come all this way to ask me about my job. Something is troubling you. What is it?"
"It's Hero," explained Notch. "I had a vision of him...killing the Wither."
"You had a Veil?" asked Jonah in shock. "A Veil of Herobrine? That is pretty extraordinary. What you have told me must be true."
"I'm worried, Jonah," said Notch.
"I am sure I have a book or two on Veils," said Jonah compassionately. "I can lend you it." Notch gave him a silent thank you.
There came a sudden cry from nearby. Notch rushed towards the sound. A boat was perched along the shore. Inside was a small baby.
"How did it get here?" Jonah asked, catching up to Notch. Notch had no answer. "It could be a sign. I could look in one of my books..."
Notch was busy staring at the baby. It had black hair and wore a blue shirt. It reminded him of something... Without warning, Notch sprinted away from the beach, leaving Jonah to care for the child.
Years and years passed with no sign of Notch. He had simply vanished. Jonah took the young child home and adopted him. His name was to be Sam. Sam grew up happily as the librarian's son. He adored books, like his father. Sam was always interested in Mobs. But his favorite subject?
Herobrine.
Sam had discovered the name in a book entitled: The Creator: A Biography of Notch. Sam learned of the disastrous turn of Notch's brother, and how he had become ruler of the Nether.
Sam attempted to draw information from his father many times. The librarian always refused to tell him. Sam was always reading the book. He was well into the 1100s in pages. Sam was also on one of the last chapters: Notch's Reunion. It told of how Notch went back to the Nether to plead with Herobrine to return. Once Sam had finished the book down, he turned to his father.
"Dad? Can you please tell me about Herobrine?"
Jonah opened his mouth, but at that moment, the door crashed open. There stood Notch.
"Notch!" exclaimed Jonah. "Where've you been?"
"Around," Notch grumbled. He no longer had that enlightening voice. It was cold, harsh. Sam looked at Notch in wonder. And Notch stared back. He eyed the book. "Interested in my biography, are you?"
Sam could not speak. He was eyeing his hero, face to face.
"Can you tell me about Herobrine?" Sam asked.
"DO NOT SPEAK HIS NAME IN MY PRESENCE!" Notch roared.
"I'm s-sorry," stuttered Sam. He was shocked at how angry Notch had gotten. Notch saw the fear in the child's face.
"Well...maybe I can tell you."
"Hero and I lived here in peace, until Hero got a thirst for power. He was jealous of how the villagers and Mobs respected me. Hero tried to be accepted by the Mobs."
"What?" Sam blurted. "That wasn't in the biography!"
"My brother tried to become one with the Mobs. But they rejected him. So Hero went on a rampage. He nearly destroyed all of the Overworld in the process. That's when he built the Nether portal. And he left. Now, he has what he wanted. He is king of the Nether."
Sam was speechless.
"Seriously, where have you been for the last ten years?" Jonah asked.
"To tell you the truth, I was following some interesting leads. Some say strange things are going on. Well, I believe I have to go."
"Please stay!" said Sam.
"No, no," said Jonah. "Notch needs to rest. Plus, we need to prepare for your birthday tomorrow."
Sam had nearly forgotten. He was turning eleven. "Good bye, Notch," called Jonah as Notch left.
Sam spent almost the entire night reading the biography. The story seemed more interesting for some reason.
Sam woke up the next morning feeling excited. It was his birthday! His father was making a cake to eat. But he wasn't the only one there. Notch was sitting at the table.
"Happy birthday, Sam," Notch told him.
"Thanks!" Sam's spirits lifted. Notch was actually at his birthday!
"We both have gifts for you," Jonah told his son.
Sam opened his father's present first. It was an encyclopedia of Overworld Mobs. Next, he opened Notch's present.
"Whoa!" Sam exclaimed.
It was a diamond sword!
"Don't get any ideas," Jonah joked.
"Maybe you could make a use of it and get us some fresh pork chops!" Notch said with a chuckle.
***
Sam wandered the hills near the village. He was wondering why Notch himself would give him a sword. Especially a diamond one. He saw a pig walk by. Pork chops! Sam laughed as he chased the pig. He give up after half a minute. He sat down to rest.
"That's a nice sword you got there."
Sam turned. A man in brown robes was standing in front of him. Sam could not see his face.
"T-Thanks," Sam said.
"Happy birthday, Sam," said the strange man. Before Sam could react, the man shouted, "Come!"
In an instant, a dog appeared by the man's side. "He's for you," said the man.
"Really?" Sam asked. The man nodded. He looked at the dog. "I'll call you Pip." The dog wagged its tail and licked Sam's face. Sam turned towards the man. "Who are you?"
The man pulled the hood of the robe away from his face. Sam saw hypnotizing, white eyes.
White eyes.
Sam scrambled to his feet. "You're-You're-Herobrine!"
"Sam-" Herobrine began.
"Stay away from me!" Sam yelled.
Herobrine lunged at him, and grabbed Sam by his tunic. "Sam, listen to me!" Herobrine hissed.
"UNHAND HIM!"
Sam looked to see Notch and Jonah running towards them. Herobrine quickly whispered in Sam's ear, "Sam, you must meet me here at midnight. You cannot trust them. I've come to take you to live with me."
Notch and Jonah were almost to them now.
"Sam!" Herobrine hissed. "Trust me. You are my son."
Herobrine vanished before Sam could respond. Jonah ran over to Sam.
"Sam! Are you all right, son?"
"You're...not my dad," Sam whispered.
"Sam-"
"It was Herobrine!" Sam yelled. "He-"
"-told you," Notch finished. Sam nodded.
"What the hell was he doing back here?" Notch roared.
"He came for me," Sam told him. "He gave me a dog."
"Hero can be very...enticing," Notch told him. "Come, now. Let's go back to the house."
***
The sun was setting. Sam was laying in his bed. He could not keep his mind off Herobrine. Sam, you must meet me here at midnight. You cannot trust them. I've come to take you to live with me.
From all Sam had read and heard about Herobrine, he was said to be evil. But he didn't sound evil. He sounded...concerned.
I'll go to the meeting, Sam thought, just to see what he wants.
***
Midnight arrived. Sam put on a fresh tunic and slipped out the door. The air was cold. Sam shivered as he walked through the village.
He arrived at the hill. Herobrine was not there. Where is he? Has he decided not to come. But then, Sam saw something moving up ahead.
Herobrine was wearing his robe, just like before. He approached Sam and towered over him. "My son," he said in an astonished voice. "You came."
"What do you want with me?" Sam asked. "If I'm your son, why did you just dump me here and not let me live with you in the Nether?"
"Sam, you must understand! The Wither was at large, and the Nether is much too dangerous for a child. I had to make sure you'd come of age before I allowed you to stay with me."
"I don't-think I can trust you," said Sam.
"I'm sure you can't," said Herobrine. "You must have learned a lot of stuff about me."
"It's all true!"
"Sam-"
"No!" yelled Sam. "It's true and you know it! You're...evil!"
"I know," said Herobrine angrily. "Just come with me. Listen to your father!"
The wind slapped harder at Sam's face. Sam shook his head. "I'm happy here."
Was that...disappointment on Herobrine's face? "Then I guess this is good-bye," said Herobrine. "But I'll be back. You can count on that." Herobrine vanished, leaving Sam alone on the hill.
I cannot continue this story until the good and evil character applications are completed. :\
Firstly, your "Prologue" heading should probably be outside the story, so it can be found easily once you write and post more chapters, if you are going to.
Prologue ~~ Notch was running, running through the vast and barren plains. The world seemed to whisk by him as he ran. His heart was thudding in his chest. I have to get to him, Notch thought. I have to. The plains stretched into a thermal desert. The heat picked up immediately,
Wouldn't the heat rise gradually, rather than "immediately", if he were going into an area with a different climate?
but Notch did not slow his pace. He ran as hard as he
cancould through the desert. Finally, he came to a cave made of stone. Notch hopped into it, and there he was."Hero!" Notch panted. "Why are you doing this?"
Hero turned, and Notch saw his piercing white eyes. "It's Herobrine, brother. Herobrine."
"What has happened to you?" Notch questioned. "You can't do this."
Notch gestured to a tall rectangle made of Obsidian.
You should describe that it's hollow so readers know that it's a portal.
Herobrine pulled out flint and steel from his pocket. He lit the Obsidian, and a violet void appeared.
"Hero, listen to me!" Notch pleaded. "You've changed. You are not yourself. Please, just come back. I can help you."
"No!" Herobrine yelled. He pushed his brother to the stone ground. "It is you that has changed me. The villagers like you better. The Mobs won't harm you. You're the great one! I--I am nothing," he spat.
"I didn't--" Herobrine cut Notch off.
"Didn't realize? It's too late! I'm going. You can't stop me," Herobrine began moving towards the portal. "So long, brother." And then, he was gone.
The Overworld had never been appealing to Herobrine. Now, he had the Nether. The flowing lava and deadly Mobs seemed to be paradise to him. Over the years, the Nether changed Herobrine. It turned him evil, and Herobrine had no idea of what he had become:
A monster.
You should make a gradual switch from Notch's point of view to the narrator's, because here it seems as though Notch is in the present at first and then suddenly begins reflecting on Herobrine as if he went to the Nether in the past. You might want to say that "the Nether would change Herobrine", rather than that it "did change" him.
I think the thing you need to improve on most is description. What does the environment around Notch before he goes into the cave look like? What is he thinking? What does the cave look like? What do Notch and Herobrine look like? If you describe things more readers will get a better idea of the scene you're trying to convey.
Anwyay, it was a good story and can be better if you improve on the things I talked about. I want to read the next few chapters if you're going to write them, and I am interested to see how you improve or change things in them. Keep writing!
If you could add a bit of backstory. Such as why Notch is running to a villager for help and knowledge?
This seems to have a good start, as i guess that the kid would be steve.
Spots left:
Evil: 0/1
Good: 0/2
Other: Undecided limit
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