Hey guys, i'm writing a new series called reinvented and you can read it right here
Sorry about the short chapters, my plan is to have short but many chapters
Make sure to leave feedback and suggestions!
Progress: Chapters 2 and previous completed
Overview: A man finds himself far in the future where technology is advanced. However, people have become too reliant on machines and have forgotten the old world. This man must reintroduce the people to the old ways and teach them the way of the pickaxe.
Prologue
The water glistened in the sunset, shimmering ever so slightly in the rays of sunlight. Small waves gently lapped at the sand in a steady rhythm. In the distance, the sun lay between the fading sky and the horizon, falling down ever so slowly until its deep golden glow disappeared from sight. Upon the soft fine sand lay many footprints. Many footprints that left a fading trail back into the far distance of the shoreline. At the front of the trail walked a man, walking seemingly forever into oblivion.
Chapter 1: Forgotten
Nobody knows who he is; he doesn't know who he is. He turned up at the city one day. He carried nothing, not even a speck a food or anything of the sort. Nobody cared about what he had but they cared about one thing he didn't have: his identity. He knew nothing about himself. He didn't know his name, where he came from or how he got here but there was one thing he did have. His knowledge. The man seemed to know everything there was to the world around him. How to blocks around him reacted to anything he did, even a slight bump, a brisk attack or a heavy trample. The way the sun rose and fell endlessly in a cycle that continues until they day the world ends. The sway of the trees, the ripples and splashes in water, the fiery and blinding glow of a light. He knew everything there was to know but in the time that he was gone, it had all been forgotten.
There are some things he doesn’t know. Many things had changed in his absence. The city he once knew so well hummed and buzzed with the artificial grind of machines. Blinding and dazzling lights occupied the streets. The once small and humble buildings were now tall and imposing skyscrapers. The city was alive and thriving yet it was slowly failing under the weight of its own technology. Pollution tainted the air with a thick and grimy smell and texture. Every small bit of resource in the ground was stripped and taken for use. But the worse thing about this world is that the people needed their machines so much. Technology had taken over their lives and now they lived like parasites on the machines. This world was alien to the man and it was as distant as the sun to anything that would suit him. But this was the only world there was, there’s no turning back.
You have a unique twist on the usual "Steve wakes up on a beach" idea. I like that. Concepts that are new usually make really good stories. However, after reading through it, I think that I can say while your story has a lot of potential, it needs some improvement. Below I wrote a few things I thought you could do better:
The water glistened in the sunset, shimmering ever so slightly in the rays of sunlight. Small waves gently lapped at the sand in a steady rhythm. In the distance, the sun lay between the fading sky and the horizon, falling down ever so slowly until its deep golden glow disappeared from sight.
It's good you're describing the setting but you repeat phrases, which doesn't sound good. Also, there can always be more description. Were there any sounds? Was the water a river or a sea? Is the sand on a beach or an island? You can answer questions like that to create an even more vivid description.
Upon the soft fine sand lay many footprints. Many footprints that left a fading trail back into the far distance of the shoreline. At the front of the trail walked a man, walking seemingly forever into oblivion.
I think this paragraph would be better as the first paragraph of your first chapter than as your Prologue. The Prologue is supposed to be something different from the first chapter, and is usually from another point of view than that of the main character. I also use 3rd-person narration, and I think you used it well. Also, as I said before, there can always be more description. What was the man wearing? What did the trail look like? How was he walking? Don't be afraid to throw a few similes and metaphors in there.
Chapter 1: Forgotten Spoiler:
Nobody knows who he is; he doesn't know who he is.
This might be better phrased as "Nobody knew who he was, not even him."
He turned up at the city one day. He carried nothing, not even a speck a food or nor anything of the sort. Nobody cared about what he had but they cared about one thing he didn't have: his identity. He knew nothing about himself. He didn't know his name, where he came from or how he got here but there was one thing he did have: His knowledge. The man seemed to know everything there was to the world around him. How to the blocks around him reacted to anything he did, even whether it was a slight bump, a brisk attack or a heavy trample. The way the sun rose and fell endlessly in a cycle that continues until they day the world ends.
This is in present tense instead of past tense like the rest of the story. It should be written as something like: The way the sun rose and fell endlessly in a cycle that would continue perpetually until the end of the world.
The sway of the trees, the ripples and splashes in water, the fiery and blinding glow of a light. He knew everything there was to know but in the time that he was had been gone, it had all been forgotten.
Despite having a few mistakes, it was a good story, and I'm excited to see how you improve it and what else you add to it in the future. Keep writing!
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
Paragraphing and details. Sorry to be brief but that's basically all I can say. Not to be harsh though. It's just that you should make paragraphs for your chapters. And, while you're at it, combine them into larger chapters, because right now they are basically just paragraphs. Did that make any sense at all? If it didn't then sorry, I slept pretty late last night. Keep writing though. I am intrigued to see how this story goes.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
Paragraphing and details. Sorry to be brief but that's basically all I can say. Not to be harsh though. It's just that you should make paragraphs for your chapters. And, while you're at it, combine them into larger chapters, because right now they are basically just paragraphs. Did that make any sense at all? If it didn't then sorry, I slept pretty late last night. Keep writing though. I am intrigued to see how this story goes.
Makes sense, These should all really be the first chapter...
Sorry about the short chapters, my plan is to have short but many chapters
Make sure to leave feedback and suggestions!
Progress: Chapters 2 and previous completed
Overview: A man finds himself far in the future where technology is advanced. However, people have become too reliant on machines and have forgotten the old world. This man must reintroduce the people to the old ways and teach them the way of the pickaxe.
Prologue
Chapter 1: Forgotten
There are some things he doesn’t know. Many things had changed in his absence. The city he once knew so well hummed and buzzed with the artificial grind of machines. Blinding and dazzling lights occupied the streets. The once small and humble buildings were now tall and imposing skyscrapers. The city was alive and thriving yet it was slowly failing under the weight of its own technology. Pollution tainted the air with a thick and grimy smell and texture. Every small bit of resource in the ground was stripped and taken for use. But the worse thing about this world is that the people needed their machines so much. Technology had taken over their lives and now they lived like parasites on the machines. This world was alien to the man and it was as distant as the sun to anything that would suit him. But this was the only world there was, there’s no turning back.
The water glistened in the sunset, shimmering ever so slightly in the rays of sunlight. Small waves gently lapped at the sand in a steady rhythm. In the distance, the sun lay between the fading sky and the horizon, falling down ever so slowly until its deep golden glow disappeared from sight.
It's good you're describing the setting but you repeat phrases, which doesn't sound good. Also, there can always be more description. Were there any sounds? Was the water a river or a sea? Is the sand on a beach or an island? You can answer questions like that to create an even more vivid description.
Upon the soft fine sand lay many footprints. Many footprints that left a fading trail back into the far distance of the shoreline. At the front of the trail walked a man, walking seemingly forever into oblivion.
I think this paragraph would be better as the first paragraph of your first chapter than as your Prologue. The Prologue is supposed to be something different from the first chapter, and is usually from another point of view than that of the main character. I also use 3rd-person narration, and I think you used it well. Also, as I said before, there can always be more description. What was the man wearing? What did the trail look like? How was he walking? Don't be afraid to throw a few similes and metaphors in there.
Chapter 1: Forgotten
Spoiler:
Nobody knows who he is; he doesn't know who he is.
This might be better phrased as "Nobody knew who he was, not even him."
He turned up at the city one day. He carried nothing, not
evena speck a foodornor anything of the sort. Nobody cared about what he had but they cared about one thing he didn't have: his identity. He knew nothing about himself. He didn't know his name, where he came from or how he got here but there was one thing he did have: His knowledge. The man seemed to know everything there was to the world around him. Howtothe blocks around him reacted to anything he did,evenwhether it was a slight bump, a brisk attack or a heavy trample. The way the sun rose and fell endlessly in a cycle that continues until they day the world ends.This is in present tense instead of past tense like the rest of the story. It should be written as something like: The way the sun rose and fell endlessly in a cycle that would continue perpetually until the end of the world.
The sway of the trees, the ripples and splashes in water, the fiery and blinding glow of a light. He knew everything there was to know but in the time that he
washad been gone, it had all been forgotten.Despite having a few mistakes, it was a good story, and I'm excited to see how you improve it and what else you add to it in the future. Keep writing!
That or the first chapter.