Hey Guys! Hollowchicken here! I decided to create this, because boredom forced me to, heh. So basically the point is uh....I won't spoil it though.. so carry on, read the story and tell me what you think! If you have any Ideas don't be shy to open your mouth! (type in your keyboard) and stuff! I put some effort into this. note: this is my first story, so don't be too rough on me.
Chapter 1: Creepy, the friendly creeper.
"I'm lost. I can't seem to find the exit to this cave. I'm gonna die and get eaten by zombies and skeletons and stuff! NOOO!!!" said Creepy, panicking."No you're not!" said Ellie, the witch. "Ellie, I swear, by this very moment I'm going to and blow up an innocent player! I'm gonna be guilty! help me!" shouted Creepy, while shivering. "Creepy, you're a friendly Creeper, remember? And we're not even in a cave. we're in my house."Ellie replied.
"Oh, right, haha...I seem to forget every time..."Creepy said, while calming himself. The duo then climbed out of Ellie's house and set off to find someone to help transform creepy to his real form, Creepy was a human player who was magically transported into the minecraft game. On they're adventure, they encountered Farell, the friendly Enderman.
"Hi Farell! how are you doing?" Ellie kindly asks. "I'm sad. I'm feeling lonely and nobody wants to play with me because my face looks scary!" Said Farell, In a low, deep voice. "I know! maybe you can join us on our quest!" Creepy asked happily. "Ooh, I love quests!! Of course I'll join you!" Farrel happily replies.
The trio now set their journey to the temple of myths, where an ancient spell caster quietly lives. By the time of night, the trio agreed to rest for the night. "Let's take turns watching the base, ok?" Asked Ellie. "Oh! okay! I'll go first!" Farrel replies, while Ellie and Creepy prepared to sleep. By the time Ellie was going to close her eyes, Farrel shouted, like a damsel in distress.
Creepy and Ellie hurried to find out what happened, only to find the corpse of Farrel. Who could have done this?And why? Yup, there you have it guys! so stay tuned for chapter 2! thanks for reading!
It's pretty good! There are a few things you could improve on though:
"I'm lost. I can't seem to find the exit to this cave. I'm gonna die and get eaten by zombies and skeletons and stuff! NOOO!!!" said Creepy, panicking."No you're not!" said Ellie, the witch. "Ellie, I swear, by this very moment I'm going to and blow up an innocent player! I'm gonna be guilty! help me!" shouted Creepy, while shivering.
You don't have to say, "while shivering". It would be much smoother and flow much easier if you simply said things like "said a shivering Creepy."
"Creepy, you're a friendly Creeper, remember? And we're not even in a cave. we're in my house."Ellie replied. "Oh, right, haha...I seem to forget every time..."Creepy said, while calming himself.
Now third person narration is a stylistic choice, and one that I honestly prefer over first person. But even then you can tell us what different characters are feeling through things other than their dialogue. I must have said this to a thousand people on the Literature subsection by now, but use description!
The duo then climbed out of Ellie's house and set off to find someone to help transform creepy to his real form. A human player who was magically transported into the minecraft game.
What? "Creepy" was a human player who transported into Minecraft? Explain that and make it clearer because I wasn't sure if you were talking about the creeper, the witch or somebody else.
On they're adventure, they encountered Farell, the friendly Enderman. "Hi Farell! how are you doing?" Ellie kindly asks. "I'm sad. I'm feeling lonely and nobody wants to play with me because my face looks scary!" Said Farell, In a low, deep voice. "I know! maybe you can join us on our quest!" Creepy asked happily. "Ooh, I love quests!! Of course I'll join you!" Farrel happily replies. The trio now set their journey to the temple of myths, where an ancient spell caster quietly lives. By the time of night, the trio agreed to rest for the night. "Let's take turns watching the base, ok?" Asked Ellie. "Oh! okay! I'll go first!" Farrel replies, while Ellie and Creepy prepared to sleep. By the time Ellie was going to close her eyes, Farrel shouted, like a damsel in distress.
Now, having read the next few sentences, i know he died. But wouldn't it be more realistic if they found him in a struggle but were too late to do anything but watch him get killed? If he screamed and then a few moments later he was just dead it doesn't really make sense. Also, if you described the shadowy individual who killed him without revealing his identity, it adds more suspense. Here's an example:
Suddenly we heard the shriek of an enderman in distress. We ran outside, and found Farrel in a fight with a person whose face we couldn't see . . . etc.
Creepy and Ellie hurried to find out what happened, only to find the corpse of Farrel. Who could have done this?And why? Stay tuned for the next episode.
Well . . . They seem pretty unfazed that one of their companions was killed. Wouldn't they say anything at all to express their grief? You could have described his body more, perhaps left a sign or a hint to the killer without giving it away. Use more description! Anyway, other than those few things it was pretty good. Keep writing!
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
It's pretty good! There are a few things you could improve on though:
"I'm lost. I can't seem to find the exit to this cave. I'm gonna die and get eaten by zombies and skeletons and stuff! NOOO!!!" said Creepy, panicking."No you're not!" said Ellie, the witch. "Ellie, I swear, by this very moment I'm going to and blow up an innocent player! I'm gonna be guilty! help me!" shouted Creepy, while shivering.
You don't have to say, "while shivering". It would be much smoother and flow much easier if you simply said things like "said a shivering Creepy."
"Creepy, you're a friendly Creeper, remember? And we're not even in a cave. we're in my house."Ellie replied. "Oh, right, haha...I seem to forget every time..."Creepy said, while calming himself.
Now third person narration is a stylistic choice, and one that I honestly prefer over first person. But even then you can tell us what different characters are feeling through things other than their dialogue. I must have said this to a thousand people on the Literature subsection by now, but use description!
The duo then climbed out of Ellie's house and set off to find someone to help transform creepy to his real form. A human player who was magically transported into the minecraft game.
What? "Creepy" was a human player who transported into Minecraft? Explain that and make it clearer because I wasn't sure if you were talking about the creeper, the witch or somebody else.
On they're adventure, they encountered Farell, the friendly Enderman. "Hi Farell! how are you doing?" Ellie kindly asks. "I'm sad. I'm feeling lonely and nobody wants to play with me because my face looks scary!" Said Farell, In a low, deep voice. "I know! maybe you can join us on our quest!" Creepy asked happily. "Ooh, I love quests!! Of course I'll join you!" Farrel happily replies. The trio now set their journey to the temple of myths, where an ancient spell caster quietly lives. By the time of night, the trio agreed to rest for the night. "Let's take turns watching the base, ok?" Asked Ellie. "Oh! okay! I'll go first!" Farrel replies, while Ellie and Creepy prepared to sleep. By the time Ellie was going to close her eyes, Farrel shouted, like a damsel in distress.
Now, having read the next few sentences, i know he died. But wouldn't it be more realistic if they found him in a struggle but were too late to do anything but watch him get killed? If he screamed and then a few moments later he was just dead it doesn't really make sense. Also, if you described the shadowy individual who killed him without revealing his identity, it adds more suspense. Here's an example:
Suddenly we heard the shriek of an enderman in distress. We ran outside, and found Farrel in a fight with a person whose face we couldn't see . . . etc.
Creepy and Ellie hurried to find out what happened, only to find the corpse of Farrel. Who could have done this?And why? Stay tuned for the next episode.
Well . . . They seem pretty unfazed that one of their companions was killed. Wouldn't they say anything at all to express their grief? You could have described his body more, perhaps left a sign or a hint to the killer without giving it away. Use more description! Anyway, other than those few things it was pretty good. Keep writing!
Thank you for your advice. I will keep working on it.
Kasparla said everything, this is lacking in details. Also, the idea of two friendly mobs seems mythical ... are you going to add a backstory for both of them?
Kasparla said everything, this is lacking in details. Also, the idea of two friendly mobs seems mythical ... are you going to add a backstory for both of them?
Yes, yes I am. I am going to make a backstory of how they met.
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I decided to create this, because boredom forced me to, heh. So basically the point is uh....I won't spoil it though.. so carry on, read the story and tell me what you think! If you have any Ideas don't be shy to open your mouth! (type in your keyboard) and stuff! I put some effort into this. note: this is my first story, so don't be too rough on me.
Chapter 1: Creepy, the friendly creeper.
"Oh, right, haha...I seem to forget every time..."Creepy said, while calming himself. The duo then climbed out of Ellie's house and set off to find someone to help transform creepy to his real form, Creepy was a human player who was magically transported into the minecraft game. On they're adventure, they encountered Farell, the friendly Enderman.
"Hi Farell! how are you doing?" Ellie kindly asks. "I'm sad. I'm feeling lonely and nobody wants to play with me because my face looks scary!" Said Farell, In a low, deep voice. "I know! maybe you can join us on our quest!" Creepy asked happily. "Ooh, I love quests!! Of course I'll join you!" Farrel happily replies.
The trio now set their journey to the temple of myths, where an ancient spell caster quietly lives. By the time of night, the trio agreed to rest for the night. "Let's take turns watching the base, ok?" Asked Ellie. "Oh! okay! I'll go first!" Farrel replies, while Ellie and Creepy prepared to sleep. By the time Ellie was going to close her eyes, Farrel shouted, like a damsel in distress.
Creepy and Ellie hurried to find out what happened, only to find the corpse of Farrel. Who could have done this?And why?
Yup, there you have it guys! so stay tuned for chapter 2! thanks for reading!
"I'm lost. I can't seem to find the exit to this cave. I'm gonna die and get eaten by zombies and skeletons and stuff! NOOO!!!" said Creepy, panicking."No you're not!" said Ellie, the witch. "Ellie, I swear, by this very moment I'm going to and blow up an innocent player! I'm gonna be guilty! help me!" shouted Creepy, while shivering.
You don't have to say, "while shivering". It would be much smoother and flow much easier if you simply said things like "said a shivering Creepy."
"Creepy, you're a friendly Creeper, remember? And we're not even in a cave. we're in my house."Ellie replied. "Oh, right, haha...I seem to forget every time..."Creepy said, while calming himself.
Now third person narration is a stylistic choice, and one that I honestly prefer over first person. But even then you can tell us what different characters are feeling through things other than their dialogue. I must have said this to a thousand people on the Literature subsection by now, but use description!
The duo then climbed out of Ellie's house and set off to find someone to help transform creepy to his real form. A human player who was magically transported into the minecraft game.
What? "Creepy" was a human player who transported into Minecraft? Explain that and make it clearer because I wasn't sure if you were talking about the creeper, the witch or somebody else.
On they're adventure, they encountered Farell, the friendly Enderman. "Hi Farell! how are you doing?" Ellie kindly asks. "I'm sad. I'm feeling lonely and nobody wants to play with me because my face looks scary!" Said Farell, In a low, deep voice. "I know! maybe you can join us on our quest!" Creepy asked happily. "Ooh, I love quests!! Of course I'll join you!" Farrel happily replies. The trio now set their journey to the temple of myths, where an ancient spell caster quietly lives. By the time of night, the trio agreed to rest for the night. "Let's take turns watching the base, ok?" Asked Ellie. "Oh! okay! I'll go first!" Farrel replies, while Ellie and Creepy prepared to sleep. By the time Ellie was going to close her eyes, Farrel shouted, like a damsel in distress.
Now, having read the next few sentences, i know he died. But wouldn't it be more realistic if they found him in a struggle but were too late to do anything but watch him get killed? If he screamed and then a few moments later he was just dead it doesn't really make sense. Also, if you described the shadowy individual who killed him without revealing his identity, it adds more suspense. Here's an example:
Suddenly we heard the shriek of an enderman in distress. We ran outside, and found Farrel in a fight with a person whose face we couldn't see . . . etc.
Creepy and Ellie hurried to find out what happened, only to find the corpse of Farrel. Who could have done this?And why? Stay tuned for the next episode.
Well . . . They seem pretty unfazed that one of their companions was killed. Wouldn't they say anything at all to express their grief? You could have described his body more, perhaps left a sign or a hint to the killer without giving it away. Use more description! Anyway, other than those few things it was pretty good. Keep writing!
Agreed. With changes like these it would be a good story.
Thank you for your advice. I will keep working on it.
Yes, yes I am. I am going to make a backstory of how they met.