Hey minecraft fans! I wrote a new story that I started about two weeks ago. It isn't exactly minecraft related but I wanted some feedback on the story and figured why not here? Well anyways here's the story I hope you enjoy it. I prefer constructive criticism. Thanks for taking the time to read this! I may change the name later on haven't yet decided. Chapter three is done after many many months of not working on it or posting it here it is.
The Turning
Prologue
The year is 2042. Technology has advanced faster than it has ever advanced these last few decades than it has the past century. The world had a major breakthrough and we have managed to travel outside our solar system and explore further planets with human subjects. As for Earth itself it has been a much slower rate, but still far advanced. With the launchings out in space, the new rockets used to launch require a Utonian core which is only obtainable through fallen asteroids that crash land into the Earth. These cores glow an aqua green color and cannot be looked into for long periods of time. There have been reports of people going mad. The cores cost a vast amount of money and is very hard to possess and is extremely rare to find. The cores are then set into a Utonian capsule in which the power can be extracted to power the rockets. The core lifespan and usage as of now is still undetermined but has been going for quite some time now. With these cores it allows us to travel faster further. But this was only the beginning.
Chapter 1
I’m Gyles Carver. I grew up in a small town in Colorado, and since I was young I had always dreamed of becoming an astronaut. After graduating from high school I immediately did what I could to become an astronaut, when only two years later I actually got accepted at NASA and began training right away. I have been trained as an astronaut for 10 years before the discovery of Utonian. There is so many things you have to do for training such as flight simulations and G-force tests to see how much my stomach could take. Luckily, I don’t have a weak stomach so it was a greater chance for me to get in. We also do daily conditioning to keep our bodies in shape in case of anything that may occur while out in space, because once were out there, we’re on our own.
I have dark hair, as black as night and a very muscular build obtained from years of training to get to be an astronaut. I weigh a good 170 pounds. I am around six feet tall and have a thuggish voice, but don’t judge by my voice I’m actually a great guy once you actually know me. My partner for these last ten years is Sarah Hoover. Sarah has a great personality, she’s funny, free spirited, and I‘ve never seen her get (pis)sed, ever. She’s extraordinarily smart and has blonde hair. She’s the smartest person you’ll ever meet. Not to mention she can kick any dudes ass in a heartbeat. She’s smaller in size, only five foot, three inches tall and 135 pounds. For some reason she loves to tie the sleeves to a coat or a shirt around her waist, it’s quite rare for her not to do that unless she gets cold. We’ve been really good partners all these years and I could trust her with my life out in space.
My other co-astronaut, who is a good friend of mine, is Liam Mitchell. He is a much larger guy. He has darker skin, prefers a bald head (which works for him because it actually looks good) and has a deeper voice. He is one of those guys most people wouldn’t want to pick a fight with just from his looks but actually he is a good guy like Sarah and I. I’ve known Liam for as long as I can remember. We are practically brothers in a way, because we’ve been through everything together. He was the one who actually brought the idea to me of even becoming an astronaut in the first place. The odds of us actually being able to do this together is a great privilege. Even though the odds of it are so low, I’m just glad to be able to do this with him.
“Hey look out here!” I said in excitement as I motioned Sarah to me. “Isn’t that magnificent?” I said as we saw the sunset shine over Jupiter. “Wow! That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!” She called out in amazement. The sunset shone in a northern lights kind of color, a mixture of greens and blues, but in a sunset formation like Earths. The sunset shone over its rings as well creating a beautiful mixture of colors almost like a rainbow. My guess is that Jupiter releases some sort of gas into space that changes the color of the sunset. Or maybe particles in space near Jupiter reflects the suns shine and changes its color. It could be anything.
“Liam, you have to come over here and look at this! This is amazing!” I yelled to Liam. He then came from the middle deck where he was doing some quick inspections. “By God would you look at that…” Liam said in amazement. “If only the guys at home could see this.” Sarah continued. “They will, in time.” I said back to her. A beeping came from behind us while we were staring in the sunset. “Ugh, they probably want our progress log for the day…” Sarah said in an agitated tone.
I then proceeded to float over to the beeping sound and pressed the button to contact Mission Control. A holographic screen appeared and depicted a man with a headset on with an attached mic. The man had medium lengthed, black hair and is a bit chubby.
“Hey Gyles! It’s been some time since neither you, Sarah, or Liam have sent us a progress log. Everything going good up there?” Said Anthony. “Yeah everything is fine up here, nothing has happened since our last progress log except…” I said as Sarah interrupted me with an obviously fake cough. She mouthed to me, ‘don’t tell them about the sunset’. So instead I told them, “Except that it gets rather boring up here.” I said with a chuckle. Anthony only broke a small smirk. “Well I’m sure you’ll find ways to entertain yourselves, but make sure not to forget your next log.” So I told him “I’ll do my best.” Anthony replied back “You better, Mission Control out.” his voice went mute. I released my finger from the button and the screen faded away as I floated around inside the rocket. “So why don’t you want me to tell them?” I asked Sarah. “Let’s just keep this between us three for now. We’ll tell them later on.” she answered.
“Well I’m going to go check the oxygen levels and the Utonian capsule and see if everything is still up to par.” I told Sarah and Liam as I worked my way down the rocket. I floated through the first doorway and closed it just incase of some freak accident that would cause our deaths. I then locked the second door next to the first where the sections break off. The door clicked into place as it locked and I continued to move further down the rocket. I entered the third door further down to find the Utonian capsule. I looked at the gages to be sure of anything suspicious we should be aware of. “Energy levels good, no overheating, the Utonian still has an aqua green glow, looks good here.” I mumbled to myself. I floated over to the oxygen gages that was only ten feet from where I was. I looked at the gage and the needle was up to 90, with a max number of 130. “Looking good!” I said to myself breaking a smile.
I worked my way back to Sarah and Liam, approaching the door I had locked. I turned the wheel handle until the door clicked, announcing that it is unlocked. “So how we looking?” Liam said first thing with the deep voice of his, as the door swung open.
“Up to par.” I answered.
“Good!” He replied.
“Hey, we should get some rest then go out and check things outside the rocket, to make sure we’re still going good,” I said to them.
“Alright, sounds good,” Sarah answered first this time. I went to the wall of the rocket where my bed was at. I grabbed the strap that lie on the left side of the bed and buckled myself in on the other side so I wasn’t floating everywhere. I started from my ankle and worked my way up buckling three more straps, one above my knees, one across my waist, and one going across my chest.
Liam and Sarah also had to strap up so they could take a cat nap as well. The beds aren’t really beds, they are mostly just there for keeping us in one place so not much effort was put into these for comfort. After strapping up I closed my eyelids and began to sleep.
~~~~~~~
I arose for my sleep awaken by a loud crashing noise, and loud beeping ricocheting off of every wall and making much louder. As I opened my eyes the room was dark with red lights flashing everywhere. I immediately took the straps off of me and grabbed a tight white space suit and the small helmet off of the wall next to the door that leads to the lower deck. The suit isn’t tight enough to where you cant move just enough to where its not going to allow space to kill you. The helmet can create its own oxygen and it much lighter which proves very useful in space, one of our much needed advancements in technology. Another neat thing about it is that its an anti-fog glass so it helps us see better.
After I put them on I immediately opened the first door to see the second one locked. The windows on this door were tinted but I couldn’t see anything except an ominous red glow. I knew something terrible had happened at this point even though I know it was bad already. I tried cupping my hands over the window and see if I could see in it. Still the same as before, it doesn’t help that there is hardly any light. I pushed myself back a few feet and flipped four switches above the door frame. I closed the first door after and pulled a red handle then twisted and push it back. The lever was located to the left of the door. Then there was a loud sound from the air pushing away from the top deck which I was in.
When they separated I could see out into space. I saw the detached deck was destroyed and in pieces. Only in places that were still sealed together harvested flames. As for the rest there was none, since fire has no oxygen to fuel from. The most disturbing object out of all, well not object but person, Liam was floating in space right by me. He had his suit on but I saw his face, bloodied, torn, and lifeless. I couldn’t hold myself to look any longer. My stomach grew queasy and I immediately turned away. Then a bright flash blinded my view.
~~~~~~~
I panted heavily, throwing my eyes wide open. I took the strap on my chest off and sat straight up bumping my lower body on the bed as I float. Liam was sitting in the front deck chairs making sure we are good for inspections. Sarah had an odd look on her face, it was obvious she saw me in a short panic mode. “Everything alright Gyles?” Sarah asked me. “Yeah everything is fine. Just a bad dream is all.” I said back while I ran my fingers through my hair once with my right hand. She turned back to what she was doing, fixing some electrical re-wiring, which for her will only take a few minutes to fix.
I took the other three straps off and floated over to Liam. “How we looking Leanne?” I said with a big grin on my face. “Hey! You promised you wouldn’t ever call my that again!” He said with anger in his voice. “Sorry I couldn’t help it!” I said laughing hysterically as he got butt hurt. He just gave me the death glare until I finally said “Okay fine I won’t call you that anymore.” He just replied with “You said that last time you twit!”
He hates being called Leanne because before we joined NASA we were out with some friends. I had brought Liam along and nobody really knew who he was except me. It was just breaking sunset hardly and there were three other friends of mine, not including Liam, with me. Two guys one girl. So I introduced him and one of my friends thought I called him Leanne, which at this time Leanne was his ex-girlfriend that cheated on him. So she said ‘Leanne? that’s an odd name for a guy.’ He had the most blank expression on his face and he was completely speechless. I had to correct her and she apologized and felt really bad. At the time I didn’t want to make Liam feel depressed by mentioning it but now I just think its hilarious.
“Well are we ready to go out?” Quickly trying to change the subject. “Yup everything is good here!” Liam answered as he stuck on a black headset on his right ear. The headset has a mic that comes out of the piece that holds into your ear. The headset itself can fit into the palm of your hand. Liam push a button and flipped on two switches a little off to his right and a holographic screen popped up. It showed a side view of the ship and the Carrier which is connected by a large metal beam.
The Carrier stores all our footage of space and is where all the Utonian energy is sent to so it can push us further. There is four of these Carriers, we call them North, East, South, and West. Clever names I know, that’s NASA for you... “Alright ready when you are!” Liam said to both Sarah and I.
Chapter 2
I threw on my lightweight space suit, locked my helmet into place and slid on my air-tight gloves that also locked into place. Sarah had got done putting her suit on as well. You would expect Liam to be the one going out into space with me but when it comes to fixing things outside the ship, Liam is completely clueless. That’s why Sarah and I go because we exceed at this much better than Liam. Sarah especially because she excels far greater than any person I’ve ever met. She could talk for days about the molecular structure of a blade of grass. So having her out here is a great help.
I opened the first door leading to the middle deck as well as the second. After Sarah and I went through I turned and locked them both into place turning the wheel five turns. Only the middle deck has a wheel lock. I took a right where we go into space itself and opened those two doors. “Alright Liam were in.” I said as I pushed the button on my helmet located on my right ear. The button allows me to communicate with both Liam and Sarah, not mission control though that’s the left side.
The automatic doors opened to Liam’s command and I grabbed a hook on the wall to my right and attached it to my suit on my right hip. The hook is attached to millions of wires that’s at least a quarter mile long that helps holds us to the ship so we don’t float away. The hook has a little button, when pushed it pulls us into the rocket. We have to be sure of where were at before we push it because it doesn’t stop until it has returned. “You ready?” I asked Sarah. “Pshh you kidding I’m always ready!” She answered in a most confident way.
We both pushed away from the rocket and we began floating out in the vast openness of space. I looked around to see every star in sight and the largeness of Jupiter and its rings. The sight is so incomparable especially when the sun is shining over everything. This is all the more reason I wanted to become an astronaut for once in a lifetime opportunities such as these. I worked my way over to the first Carrier which was the East Carrier. I touched my index finger to my thumb on both my hands and little accelerators from my feet pushed me forward. Another neat enhancement to technology.
Sarah followed close behind me. When I first learned how to use the suits it was quite difficult considering it comes from your feet. I started off spinning circles until Sarah helped me figure it out. Now it just comes naturally. But in order for you to trigger it you have to touch your index finger to your thumb or else its not going to work. Which is good because you got to be able to work with your hands.
We reached the East Carrier and I went to the side panel where we do our inspections. I reached down to my right thigh and unclipped the pouch where my tools lie. I reached in and grabber a screwdriver. I began unscrewing the right side while Sarah worked on the left side. The panel is approximately four feet wide and only two feet tall. We finished and pulled the panel down. I took the hook on the top of the panel and hooked it to the Carrier so its not getting in the way.
I looked inside to see some sparking from a loose wire. “How we looking over there?” I heard Liam say through the helmet speaker. I pushed on where my right ear would be on my helmet and hit the button. “Looks good, just a loose wire should b fixed in no time at all.” I responded. Sarah immediately took over and within a minute there was no more spark. “This would be done so much faster if I didn’t have to wear these suits.” Sarah said to me as she finished up the wiring. “Too bad space could kill you in a instant.” I said jokingly.
Sarah turned to me and glared as if she wanted to hit me in some way. Luckily she didn’t because she prefers hitting people in the head. So after we finished checking the East Carrier we moved on to the other three. Nothing was out of the ordinary except on the South Carrier where a camera was floating about. I went and sealed it back in place with the screws I found floating inside the Carrier. This time I made sure they weren’t coming loose almost getting to the point where I nearly stripped one of them.
“Alright Liam were all good here. We are coming back now.” I said to Liam holding my finger to my ear. “Opening docking doors now.” He replied. Sarah and I floated over to the East side of the rocket (coming from the South side) touching our fingertips together to forward us over there. As we reached it, the doors had just finished opening, so we went back inside the rocket. “Liam close the doors now were in.” Sarah said, as she was eager to take off the suit.
The doors began to close and it took about ten seconds. As the air tight seal came together on the door I pushed the oxygen button, located on the right side entering the ship, so that we may take off our suits. I then started taking off my suit starting at my gloves, then my helmet, then the remaining suit itself. Once I was done I collected my suit and proceeded to go to the main deck where we store them. I unlocked the two doors to find Liam sitting the “Big mans chair” in which we call it. “Well we’re looking good just a floating camera and bad wiring but it’s all fixed now.” I said to Liam as he rotated his seat to face us. “Well I think it’s time for a progress log what do you say?” Liam said to me. “Yeah I will take care of it.” I said back to him.
Chapter 3
I pulled up the holographic screen but it was completely black. I then proceeded to say, “Gyles Carver 017 log 53 B.” The screen instantly went from black to showing myself on the screen. “This is Gyles Carver 017 of the ship Excursion. This is log 53 B, not much has happened today. Sarah and I evaluated the Carriers all looking as good as when we left. Only a floating camera and a loose wire, but was easily fixable. The Utonian is looking well as we can tell, it still contains its aqua green color. Nothing outside the ship is looking suspicious from what our radars can read. All and all we are doing just fine up here. That is it Gyles Carver out.” I ended the log by voice command and the screen faded away.
“Now we wont have to worry about them nagging us about that now.” Liam said once the screen closed. “Yeah we wont.” I replied. “Anyone hungry?” Sarah called out of nowhere, as she looked through a nearby food storage. “What looks good?” I asked her. She looked through it moving some stuff out of the way as it all floated into her view. “How about apples? Does that sound good?” She asked me. “Yeah I guess that’s alright, think you can throw it to me?” I said with a big smile on my face. “Shouldn’t be to hard.” She took the bag of freeze-dried apples and threw them, easily reaching me. “Okay maybe you can.” I said back to Sarah. “Can you toss me some peaches, I’m feeling the mood for peaches.” Liam replied.
She grabbed them and easily tossed them to Liam as he floats only feet from where I was. I opened the bag and started to eat my apples, Liam ate his peaches, and Sarah I believe had an orange from what it looks like but I could be wrong. I heard the radar make a louder noise from what it usually does, which normally we never can hear it. I went to the big mans chair and looked at it. Nothing showed on the green screen. I assumed I was just hearing things.
“You know what I just realized?” Liam called out. “What did you realize Liam?” I asked. “Space is hella boring man!” I laughed because he never usually says stuff like that usually only when, as obvious as it is, he’s bored which most the time he occupies himself so he doesn’t get bored. “It’s true man, I mean really all we ever see are these floating rocks, and planets that don‘t do anything, we need something more interesting to look at for once!” He continued to say in a serious tone of voice. “Oh calm your tits Liam you’ll be fine you always find something to occupy yourself anyways.” Sarah joined in.
~~~~~~~
A few days have gone by nothing out of the ordinary had particularly happened. Just the normal check-ups and evals on the ship. Liam is constantly trying to occupy himself and only once did a progress log. I always find him in the big mans chair looking at everything. Sarah on the other hand did a lot of sleeping like the lazy bum she can be. She did fix a few things that we didn’t even notice though, such as the cooling duct in which regulates the Utonian Core so it doesn’t explode. The Utonian core is still looking as good as ever as well thanks to Sarah.
~~~~~~~
“Hand me a screwdriver would you, I cant move or else I got to do this all over?” Sarah said to me as she was fixing the West Carriers booster module. I handed her the screwdriver from the pouch on my left pant leg. “Almost… almost… there! I got it finally!” Sarah said excitedly as she fixed the booster. She closed the door hatch and screwed it back in. We moved onto the South Carrier when all of a sudden I heard a loud low pitched, alien like noise. It sounded similar to creaking metal from a broken down building, but loud. “Gyles! I am picking up a large inanimate object on the sensors heading straight for you!”
I quickly jerked my head around and saw nothing. I pressed my finger to my right ear and said while still searching for the object “Liam, I thought it isn’t possible to hear things in space.” He said to me, as he stared at the sensors “It isn’t.” Sarah joined in continued to say “Liam there’s nothing out…”. As she said that the noise we heard just moments ago continued to make noise and a large black ship appeared right before our eyes. The ship was larger than any manmade object ever created. Its vastness would take up plenty of states on Earth, that’s how large this thing is. It had such an unwelcoming appearance so deathly and threatening. Nothing about this ship was pleasant.
My eyes opened so wide and my heart was at a standstill, I didn’t know what to think of this thing. All I could think was this thing will probably destroy us and I’ll become nothing but a memory. Before I knew it these large metal gates opened on the bottom of the ship, a bright luminous red ball of light appeared inside the gateway. Before I knew what happened the light (or what was now a laser) cut through the ship and launching me out into space. I was flailing all about trying to get myself from spiraling uncontrollably. My helmet began to start beeping and the air inside my helmet escaped leaving me to die in seconds.
~~~~~~~
“We have obtained matter 6 like requested” this creature said in an unheard alien language, talking to a hologram screen. “Good! Bring it back to me now!” Said a shadowed creature on the screen of the first creatures holographic screen. “Soon we shall take back what was rightfully ours, and soon the galaxy will be mine!” The creature continued, and the screen closed away.
~~~~~~~
Machines were humming around me, making noises as the pivoted from place to place. I heard things being tossed about and I heard a few things get dropped. I felt pressure on my skin but I wasn’t conscious enough to realize what was going on as of now. I could hear something but I couldn’t figure out what exactly I was hearing. I couldn’t hold myself together so I went unconscious once more.
I opened my eyes just barely enough to see the ceiling but it was blurry. My vision was out of sync as of this point. After a few minutes I opened my eyes all the way and tried to lift my head. My neck was stiff and it hurt to move it, but I managed to lift it up slightly. I didn’t have anything attached to me or on me in anyway so that was a relieving feeling. After about an hour of laying down I felt some strength to work myself up and actually get a glimpse of my environment.
It looked as if I was in a hospital, which seemed pretty accurate now since I was in a complete white room with machines all around me. I heard doors opening and I quickly looked to my right to find the glass doors open and this unknown thing walk in. I flinched because I wasn’t expecting to see this… whatever it is. The creature looked turtle-like in the face but with a human body. Its skin appeared of green on the parts that were visible but it only had four fingers without nails. It was a rather skinny alien . I couldn’t tell whether it was male or female but It wore semi tight white clothes that had a black trim going around the shirt and pants. It also carried a tablet thing that looked just looked like glass, but he was pushing buttons on it.
It started to talk to me in some language I couldn’t comprehend. All I could say was “What are you?”. Once I said that this turtle alien pushed a few more buttons on its glass tablet thing and said, in a fast more higher pitched but doctoral-like voice “Ah, a human! I’ve never met a human subject before! This is exciting!” I was so shocked and freaked out that I just randomly blurted out “What are you?! How are you talking to me?!” After saying that I backed up into the wall sliding on my butt using my hands to further me back. I was scared to know the answers, but as of now it was to late I already asked them.
The alien looked at me more intently and said “Curios little fellah aren’t yah? Well my name is Doctor Koriano. I am of the Saa race I’m sure you have heard of us yeah? We are the highly more intellectual race and our technology is far more advanced than any others.” I sat their with a blank expression trying to place together any pieces but as of now there is none. All I could manage to say was “Where am I?” Koriano responded with excitement “You are on the planet Sarkon, home planet of the Saa race!”
“How did I get here exactly? The last thing I remember is some black ship then a red light and now I’m here.” Koriano’s face went from excitement to terror. “About how big was this ship?” Koriano asked me. “Larger than anything I’ve ever witnessed.” Koriano paced back and forth scratching its head mumbling to itself. “Ooooh this is not good, not good at all!” He then stopped, looked at me and smiled, then said “No matter, I’m sure it will be dealt with in time! To answer your question, a group of scavvy’s collected you when they found you out in space, dead. They brought you to us and lucky for you we wanted to test our new nano bugs that we created. They repair the body and enhance it, and as we discovered it can bring back life! So exciting! But they cost a vast amount of Kolii so we can only try it on one subject.” Koriano said in his fast high-pitched tone of voice. “So you mean to say I was dead?” I asked. “Was, but no more.” Koriano answered.
Nice job so far. I can't remark much on the story itself, since it seems you are still building the setting, but I'll do what I can to discuss your writing style.
Near the beginning, there were a couple of typos and issues with pronouns being plural/singular when they should be singular/plural, but other than that, I didn't notice any serious issues with grammar or spelling. There were some minor issues with grammar, but not enough to effect my ability to read the story.
One issue that popped up a few times was that there were sometimes verbs floating around without clearly defined subjects. I remember this happening one time when you were describing what a headset looks like, but I forget where that description was.
In general, there seemed to be subtle issues with vagueness in the way that you wrote some parts of the story. I know that when I was reading your story, my mind would subconsciously drift off because sentences would sometimes feel logically disconnected. It's easy to assume that the reader knows what you are talking about when you move onto another subject. However, it's best to air on the safe side by assuming that the reader doesn't know that the two subjects you talk about are related and explicitly stating that they are related. Sometimes using more specific words that are more specialized to the current situation also helps keep concepts clear. It is kind of hard to explain how to address the vagueness in your story, so I'll point out some examples in the following paragraph from the first chapter. I've spoilered the advice because I kind of got carried away, but hopefully you should find some of it useful:
I worked my way back to Sarah and Liam approaching the door I had locked. Turning the wheel handle it made the clicking sound announcing it’s unlocked. “So how we looking?” Liam said first thing with the deep voice of his, as the door swung open. “Up to par.” I answered. “Good!” He replied. “Hey we should get some rest then go out and check things outside the rocket, to make sure were still going good.” I said to them. “Alright sounds good.” Sarah answered first this time. So I went to the wall of the rocket where my bed was at. I grabbed the strap that lie on the left side of the bed and buckled myself in on the other side so I wasn’t floating everywhere. I started from my ankle and worked my way up buckling three more straps, one above my knees, one across my waist, and one going across my chest.
By the time I went on to the next paragraph, I had forgotten what all the astronauts were strapping themselves into, probably because I was focusing too much on remembering what was going on in the paragraph above. I'll break this paragraph up into pieces and try to explain what the issues are with each piece:
I worked my way back to Sarah and Liam approaching the door I had locked.
This sentence is confusing because it could mean two different things. Something needs to be added to make it clear who is the subject of the action "approaching the door." One way to get rid of the ambiguity would be to add another word, to make it clear that Liam is the subject of the second action:
I worked my way back to Sarah and Liam was approaching the door I had locked.
However, I don't really like how this is written, so I would change the conjunction "and" to something more specific, and change the tense of the verb "approach" to have parallel structure with the verb "worked":
I worked my way back to Sarah as Liam approached the door I had locked.
My best guess is that, due to the probabilistic nature of quantum mechanics, Gyles and Liam switched places with each other. Or, maybe they just swapped consciousnesses with each other, so Liam is now it Gyles' body and Gyles is now in Liam's body. But you didn't actually mean that... right?
One way to to fix the sentence so it is clear that "I" is the subject of the second action would be by simply adding a comma:
I worked my way back to Sarah and Liam, approaching the door I had locked.
Adding the comma makes it clear that "I" is the subject of both "worked my way" and "approaching the door." A rule to keep in mind is that whenever there is a verb in the middle of a sentence that ends with "-ing," that verb needs a comma in front of it. The comma helps separate the "-ing" verb from whatever came before it; in this case it makes it separate it from the person "Liam." There were many sentences in your story where commas could have been useful to make the relationships between words more clear, or even just to break up the monotony of long sentences. Words on paper can't convey the variations of tone of voice and rhythm of speech that words have when spoken aloud, but commas could be used to provide pauses that your story's sentences would have if you were to tell the story to someone else.
The next sentence has a somewhat similar problem with ambiguity of subject, as well as a few grammar issues that don't effect clarity:
Turning the wheel handle it made the clicking sound announcing it’s unlocked.
Here are a two possible ways to fix it. In both cases, changing "the clicking sound" to "a clicking sound" reflects the fact that there is more than one clicking sound in the universe. Also the word "that" is added after "announcing" and "it's" was changed to "it was." The first fix makes "the door" the subject:
Turning the wheel handle, it made a clicking sound, announcing that it was unlocked.
However, because the way this sentence is written, the sentence literally reads that the wheel handle of the door was continuously rotating. Plus, the word "sound" is redundant. Let's fix that:
It turned the wheel handle,thenclicked, announcing that it was unlocked.
Still, I highly doubt that a door would turn its own handle, unless the handle opened automatically, or was controlled by some other mechanism. However, I don't recall Gyles ever pushing a button, or unlocking the door with an eye scan. That would be pretty cool and sci-fi-like, although I'm pretty sure that wasn't what you meant.
The following fix makes "I" the subject:
I turned the wheel handle until the door clicked, announcing that it was unlocked.
Some changes were accumulated from the previous correction, plus "until the door" was added to retain the same meaning with the rest of the sentence.
These next few sentences are okay for the most part:
“So how we looking?” Liam said first thing with the deep voice of his, as the door swung open. “Up to par.” I answered.
Liam's question is improper grammar, but in this scenario it may be interpreted as slang. Also, the word choice and sentence structure for "Liam said first thing with the deep voice of his" seems somewhat unusual, but that's probably a matter of personal preference. Although keeping the two pieces of dialogue on one line doesn't make it unclear as to who is speaking in this scenario, it helps to keep different pieces of dialogue in different paragraphs:
“So how we looking?” Liam said first thing with the deep voice of his, as the door swung open. [new line]
“Up to par,” I answered.
Keeping pieces of dialogue separate also gives you more freedom with sentence structure.
The following few sentences have several issues with ambiguity:
“Good!” He replied. “Hey we should get some rest then go out and check things outside the rocket, to make sure were still going good.” I said to them. “Alright sounds good.” Sarah answered first this time.
The word "good" is used far too much in this small amount of space. It's simply repetitive when Liam and Sarah say it, but when Gyles says "going good" it also feels very vague (in addition to being gramatically incorrect). It is also confusingly vague when Gyles says "go out and check things." What are the astronauts looking for? What are they concerned about?
It's also confusing whether it's Gyles or Liam that is suggesting the investigation, as well as whether it's Gyles or Sarah that agrees. Here's the same few sentences spaced out and given punctuation corrections:
“Good!” He replied. [new line]
“Hey, we should get some rest then go out and check things outside the rocket, to make sure we're still going good,” I said to them. [new line]
“Alright, sounds good,” Sarah answered first this time.
Here's the last bit:
So I went to the wall of the rocket where my bed was at. I grabbed the strap that lie on the left side of the bed and buckled myself in on the other side so I wasn’t floating everywhere. I started from my ankle and worked my way up buckling three more straps, one above my knees, one across my waist, and one going across my chest.
This seems fine for the most part. The only issue is that the word "So" has no useful meaning, so it's probably best to remove it.
Edit: Wow, I really did get carried away. Oh well.
Edit^2: Also, it would be very much appreciated if you put chapters in spoilers, if you're up for doing that. It makes it easier to scroll down.
Thanks for the feedback! I made the changes and yeah some errors were mostly me typing to fast and not even realizing what I wrote. With the whole lever part the last sentence you put is what I was intentionally meaning. Gyles was going to the door opening it then Liam begins talking once the door opens. But thanks for the help though =)
Asanetargoss already pointed out almost all the grammar errors that I noticed and even some that I didn't so I won't go into that. I have to commend you on having a really long first chapter though, because not a lot of people do. Keep writing chapters that are about that size or a little smaller, and good job!
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
Asanetargoss already pointed out almost all the grammar errors that I noticed and even some that I didn't so I won't go into that. I have to commend you on having a really long first chapter though, because not a lot of people do. Keep writing chapters that are about that size or a little smaller, and good job!
Thank you =) I try to get every grammatical error out that I can find. And alright the second chapter is getting fairly close to being completed and I would say it's rather close to the same length. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter at least =)
The year is 2042. Technology has advanced faster than it has ever advanced these last few decades than it has the past century. The world had a major breakthrough and we have managed to travel outside our solar system and explore further planets with human subjects. As for Earth itself it has been a much slower rate, but still far advanced. With the launchings out in space, the new rockets used to launch require a Utonian core which is only obtainable through fallen asteroids that crash land into the Earth. These cores glow an aqua green color and cannot be looked into for long periods of time. There have been reports of people going mad. The cores cost a vast amount of money and is very hard to possess and is extremely rare to find. The cores are then set into a Utonian capsule in which the power can be extracted to power the rockets. The core lifespan and usage as of now is still undetermined but has been going for quite some time now. With these cores it allows us to travel faster further. But this was only the beginning.
I’m Gyles Carver. I grew up in a small town in Colorado, and since I was young I had always dreamed of becoming an astronaut. After graduating from high school I immediately did what I could to become an astronaut, when only two years later I actually got accepted at NASA and began training right away. I have been trained as an astronaut for 10 years before the discovery of Utonian. There is so many things you have to do for training such as flight simulations and G-force tests to see how much my stomach could take. Luckily, I don’t have a weak stomach so it was a greater chance for me to get in. We also do daily conditioning to keep our bodies in shape in case of anything that may occur while out in space, because once were out there, we’re on our own.
I have dark hair, as black as night and a very muscular build obtained from years of training to get to be an astronaut. I weigh a good 170 pounds. I am around six feet tall and have a thuggish voice, but don’t judge by my voice I’m actually a great guy once you actually know me. My partner for these last ten years is Sarah Hoover. Sarah has a great personality, she’s funny, free spirited, and I‘ve never seen her get (pis)sed, ever. She’s extraordinarily smart and has blonde hair. She’s the smartest person you’ll ever meet. Not to mention she can kick any dudes ass in a heartbeat. She’s smaller in size, only five foot, three inches tall and 135 pounds. For some reason she loves to tie the sleeves to a coat or a shirt around her waist, it’s quite rare for her not to do that unless she gets cold. We’ve been really good partners all these years and I could trust her with my life out in space.
My other co-astronaut, who is a good friend of mine, is Liam Mitchell. He is a much larger guy. He has darker skin, prefers a bald head (which works for him because it actually looks good) and has a deeper voice. He is one of those guys most people wouldn’t want to pick a fight with just from his looks but actually he is a good guy like Sarah and I. I’ve known Liam for as long as I can remember. We are practically brothers in a way, because we’ve been through everything together. He was the one who actually brought the idea to me of even becoming an astronaut in the first place. The odds of us actually being able to do this together is a great privilege. Even though the odds of it are so low, I’m just glad to be able to do this with him.
“Hey look out here!” I said in excitement as I motioned Sarah to me. “Isn’t that magnificent?” I said as we saw the sunset shine over Jupiter. “Wow! That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen!” She called out in amazement. The sunset shone in a northern lights kind of color, a mixture of greens and blues, but in a sunset formation like Earths. The sunset shone over its rings as well creating a beautiful mixture of colors almost like a rainbow. My guess is that Jupiter releases some sort of gas into space that changes the color of the sunset. Or maybe particles in space near Jupiter reflects the suns shine and changes its color. It could be anything.
“Liam, you have to come over here and look at this! This is amazing!” I yelled to Liam. He then came from the middle deck where he was doing some quick inspections. “By God would you look at that…” Liam said in amazement. “If only the guys at home could see this.” Sarah continued. “They will, in time.” I said back to her. A beeping came from behind us while we were staring in the sunset. “Ugh, they probably want our progress log for the day…” Sarah said in an agitated tone.
I then proceeded to float over to the beeping sound and pressed the button to contact Mission Control. A holographic screen appeared and depicted a man with a headset on with an attached mic. The man had medium lengthed, black hair and is a bit chubby.
“Hey Gyles! It’s been some time since neither you, Sarah, or Liam have sent us a progress log. Everything going good up there?” Said Anthony. “Yeah everything is fine up here, nothing has happened since our last progress log except…” I said as Sarah interrupted me with an obviously fake cough. She mouthed to me, ‘don’t tell them about the sunset’. So instead I told them, “Except that it gets rather boring up here.” I said with a chuckle. Anthony only broke a small smirk. “Well I’m sure you’ll find ways to entertain yourselves, but make sure not to forget your next log.” So I told him “I’ll do my best.” Anthony replied back “You better, Mission Control out.” his voice went mute. I released my finger from the button and the screen faded away as I floated around inside the rocket. “So why don’t you want me to tell them?” I asked Sarah. “Let’s just keep this between us three for now. We’ll tell them later on.” she answered.
“Well I’m going to go check the oxygen levels and the Utonian capsule and see if everything is still up to par.” I told Sarah and Liam as I worked my way down the rocket. I floated through the first doorway and closed it just incase of some freak accident that would cause our deaths. I then locked the second door next to the first where the sections break off. The door clicked into place as it locked and I continued to move further down the rocket. I entered the third door further down to find the Utonian capsule. I looked at the gages to be sure of anything suspicious we should be aware of. “Energy levels good, no overheating, the Utonian still has an aqua green glow, looks good here.” I mumbled to myself. I floated over to the oxygen gages that was only ten feet from where I was. I looked at the gage and the needle was up to 90, with a max number of 130. “Looking good!” I said to myself breaking a smile.
I worked my way back to Sarah and Liam, approaching the door I had locked. I turned the wheel handle until the door clicked, announcing that it is unlocked. “So how we looking?” Liam said first thing with the deep voice of his, as the door swung open.
“Good!” He replied.
“Hey, we should get some rest then go out and check things outside the rocket, to make sure we’re still going good,” I said to them.
“Alright, sounds good,” Sarah answered first this time. I went to the wall of the rocket where my bed was at. I grabbed the strap that lie on the left side of the bed and buckled myself in on the other side so I wasn’t floating everywhere. I started from my ankle and worked my way up buckling three more straps, one above my knees, one across my waist, and one going across my chest.
Liam and Sarah also had to strap up so they could take a cat nap as well. The beds aren’t really beds, they are mostly just there for keeping us in one place so not much effort was put into these for comfort. After strapping up I closed my eyelids and began to sleep.
~~~~~~~
I arose for my sleep awaken by a loud crashing noise, and loud beeping ricocheting off of every wall and making much louder. As I opened my eyes the room was dark with red lights flashing everywhere. I immediately took the straps off of me and grabbed a tight white space suit and the small helmet off of the wall next to the door that leads to the lower deck. The suit isn’t tight enough to where you cant move just enough to where its not going to allow space to kill you. The helmet can create its own oxygen and it much lighter which proves very useful in space, one of our much needed advancements in technology. Another neat thing about it is that its an anti-fog glass so it helps us see better.
After I put them on I immediately opened the first door to see the second one locked. The windows on this door were tinted but I couldn’t see anything except an ominous red glow. I knew something terrible had happened at this point even though I know it was bad already. I tried cupping my hands over the window and see if I could see in it. Still the same as before, it doesn’t help that there is hardly any light. I pushed myself back a few feet and flipped four switches above the door frame. I closed the first door after and pulled a red handle then twisted and push it back. The lever was located to the left of the door. Then there was a loud sound from the air pushing away from the top deck which I was in.
When they separated I could see out into space. I saw the detached deck was destroyed and in pieces. Only in places that were still sealed together harvested flames. As for the rest there was none, since fire has no oxygen to fuel from. The most disturbing object out of all, well not object but person, Liam was floating in space right by me. He had his suit on but I saw his face, bloodied, torn, and lifeless. I couldn’t hold myself to look any longer. My stomach grew queasy and I immediately turned away. Then a bright flash blinded my view.
~~~~~~~
I panted heavily, throwing my eyes wide open. I took the strap on my chest off and sat straight up bumping my lower body on the bed as I float. Liam was sitting in the front deck chairs making sure we are good for inspections. Sarah had an odd look on her face, it was obvious she saw me in a short panic mode. “Everything alright Gyles?” Sarah asked me. “Yeah everything is fine. Just a bad dream is all.” I said back while I ran my fingers through my hair once with my right hand. She turned back to what she was doing, fixing some electrical re-wiring, which for her will only take a few minutes to fix.
I took the other three straps off and floated over to Liam. “How we looking Leanne?” I said with a big grin on my face. “Hey! You promised you wouldn’t ever call my that again!” He said with anger in his voice. “Sorry I couldn’t help it!” I said laughing hysterically as he got butt hurt. He just gave me the death glare until I finally said “Okay fine I won’t call you that anymore.” He just replied with “You said that last time you twit!”
He hates being called Leanne because before we joined NASA we were out with some friends. I had brought Liam along and nobody really knew who he was except me. It was just breaking sunset hardly and there were three other friends of mine, not including Liam, with me. Two guys one girl. So I introduced him and one of my friends thought I called him Leanne, which at this time Leanne was his ex-girlfriend that cheated on him. So she said ‘Leanne? that’s an odd name for a guy.’ He had the most blank expression on his face and he was completely speechless. I had to correct her and she apologized and felt really bad. At the time I didn’t want to make Liam feel depressed by mentioning it but now I just think its hilarious.
“Well are we ready to go out?” Quickly trying to change the subject. “Yup everything is good here!” Liam answered as he stuck on a black headset on his right ear. The headset has a mic that comes out of the piece that holds into your ear. The headset itself can fit into the palm of your hand. Liam push a button and flipped on two switches a little off to his right and a holographic screen popped up. It showed a side view of the ship and the Carrier which is connected by a large metal beam.
The Carrier stores all our footage of space and is where all the Utonian energy is sent to so it can push us further. There is four of these Carriers, we call them North, East, South, and West. Clever names I know, that’s NASA for you... “Alright ready when you are!” Liam said to both Sarah and I.
I threw on my lightweight space suit, locked my helmet into place and slid on my air-tight gloves that also locked into place. Sarah had got done putting her suit on as well. You would expect Liam to be the one going out into space with me but when it comes to fixing things outside the ship, Liam is completely clueless. That’s why Sarah and I go because we exceed at this much better than Liam. Sarah especially because she excels far greater than any person I’ve ever met. She could talk for days about the molecular structure of a blade of grass. So having her out here is a great help.
I opened the first door leading to the middle deck as well as the second. After Sarah and I went through I turned and locked them both into place turning the wheel five turns. Only the middle deck has a wheel lock. I took a right where we go into space itself and opened those two doors. “Alright Liam were in.” I said as I pushed the button on my helmet located on my right ear. The button allows me to communicate with both Liam and Sarah, not mission control though that’s the left side.
The automatic doors opened to Liam’s command and I grabbed a hook on the wall to my right and attached it to my suit on my right hip. The hook is attached to millions of wires that’s at least a quarter mile long that helps holds us to the ship so we don’t float away. The hook has a little button, when pushed it pulls us into the rocket. We have to be sure of where were at before we push it because it doesn’t stop until it has returned. “You ready?” I asked Sarah. “Pshh you kidding I’m always ready!” She answered in a most confident way.
We both pushed away from the rocket and we began floating out in the vast openness of space. I looked around to see every star in sight and the largeness of Jupiter and its rings. The sight is so incomparable especially when the sun is shining over everything. This is all the more reason I wanted to become an astronaut for once in a lifetime opportunities such as these. I worked my way over to the first Carrier which was the East Carrier. I touched my index finger to my thumb on both my hands and little accelerators from my feet pushed me forward. Another neat enhancement to technology.
Sarah followed close behind me. When I first learned how to use the suits it was quite difficult considering it comes from your feet. I started off spinning circles until Sarah helped me figure it out. Now it just comes naturally. But in order for you to trigger it you have to touch your index finger to your thumb or else its not going to work. Which is good because you got to be able to work with your hands.
We reached the East Carrier and I went to the side panel where we do our inspections. I reached down to my right thigh and unclipped the pouch where my tools lie. I reached in and grabber a screwdriver. I began unscrewing the right side while Sarah worked on the left side. The panel is approximately four feet wide and only two feet tall. We finished and pulled the panel down. I took the hook on the top of the panel and hooked it to the Carrier so its not getting in the way.
I looked inside to see some sparking from a loose wire. “How we looking over there?” I heard Liam say through the helmet speaker. I pushed on where my right ear would be on my helmet and hit the button. “Looks good, just a loose wire should b fixed in no time at all.” I responded. Sarah immediately took over and within a minute there was no more spark. “This would be done so much faster if I didn’t have to wear these suits.” Sarah said to me as she finished up the wiring. “Too bad space could kill you in a instant.” I said jokingly.
Sarah turned to me and glared as if she wanted to hit me in some way. Luckily she didn’t because she prefers hitting people in the head. So after we finished checking the East Carrier we moved on to the other three. Nothing was out of the ordinary except on the South Carrier where a camera was floating about. I went and sealed it back in place with the screws I found floating inside the Carrier. This time I made sure they weren’t coming loose almost getting to the point where I nearly stripped one of them.
“Alright Liam were all good here. We are coming back now.” I said to Liam holding my finger to my ear. “Opening docking doors now.” He replied. Sarah and I floated over to the East side of the rocket (coming from the South side) touching our fingertips together to forward us over there. As we reached it, the doors had just finished opening, so we went back inside the rocket. “Liam close the doors now were in.” Sarah said, as she was eager to take off the suit.
The doors began to close and it took about ten seconds. As the air tight seal came together on the door I pushed the oxygen button, located on the right side entering the ship, so that we may take off our suits. I then started taking off my suit starting at my gloves, then my helmet, then the remaining suit itself. Once I was done I collected my suit and proceeded to go to the main deck where we store them. I unlocked the two doors to find Liam sitting the “Big mans chair” in which we call it. “Well we’re looking good just a floating camera and bad wiring but it’s all fixed now.” I said to Liam as he rotated his seat to face us. “Well I think it’s time for a progress log what do you say?” Liam said to me. “Yeah I will take care of it.” I said back to him.
I pulled up the holographic screen but it was completely black. I then proceeded to say, “Gyles Carver 017 log 53 B.” The screen instantly went from black to showing myself on the screen. “This is Gyles Carver 017 of the ship Excursion. This is log 53 B, not much has happened today. Sarah and I evaluated the Carriers all looking as good as when we left. Only a floating camera and a loose wire, but was easily fixable. The Utonian is looking well as we can tell, it still contains its aqua green color. Nothing outside the ship is looking suspicious from what our radars can read. All and all we are doing just fine up here. That is it Gyles Carver out.” I ended the log by voice command and the screen faded away.
“Now we wont have to worry about them nagging us about that now.” Liam said once the screen closed. “Yeah we wont.” I replied. “Anyone hungry?” Sarah called out of nowhere, as she looked through a nearby food storage. “What looks good?” I asked her. She looked through it moving some stuff out of the way as it all floated into her view. “How about apples? Does that sound good?” She asked me. “Yeah I guess that’s alright, think you can throw it to me?” I said with a big smile on my face. “Shouldn’t be to hard.” She took the bag of freeze-dried apples and threw them, easily reaching me. “Okay maybe you can.” I said back to Sarah. “Can you toss me some peaches, I’m feeling the mood for peaches.” Liam replied.
She grabbed them and easily tossed them to Liam as he floats only feet from where I was. I opened the bag and started to eat my apples, Liam ate his peaches, and Sarah I believe had an orange from what it looks like but I could be wrong. I heard the radar make a louder noise from what it usually does, which normally we never can hear it. I went to the big mans chair and looked at it. Nothing showed on the green screen. I assumed I was just hearing things.
“You know what I just realized?” Liam called out. “What did you realize Liam?” I asked. “Space is hella boring man!” I laughed because he never usually says stuff like that usually only when, as obvious as it is, he’s bored which most the time he occupies himself so he doesn’t get bored. “It’s true man, I mean really all we ever see are these floating rocks, and planets that don‘t do anything, we need something more interesting to look at for once!” He continued to say in a serious tone of voice. “Oh calm your tits Liam you’ll be fine you always find something to occupy yourself anyways.” Sarah joined in.
~~~~~~~
A few days have gone by nothing out of the ordinary had particularly happened. Just the normal check-ups and evals on the ship. Liam is constantly trying to occupy himself and only once did a progress log. I always find him in the big mans chair looking at everything. Sarah on the other hand did a lot of sleeping like the lazy bum she can be. She did fix a few things that we didn’t even notice though, such as the cooling duct in which regulates the Utonian Core so it doesn’t explode. The Utonian core is still looking as good as ever as well thanks to Sarah.
~~~~~~~
“Hand me a screwdriver would you, I cant move or else I got to do this all over?” Sarah said to me as she was fixing the West Carriers booster module. I handed her the screwdriver from the pouch on my left pant leg. “Almost… almost… there! I got it finally!” Sarah said excitedly as she fixed the booster. She closed the door hatch and screwed it back in. We moved onto the South Carrier when all of a sudden I heard a loud low pitched, alien like noise. It sounded similar to creaking metal from a broken down building, but loud. “Gyles! I am picking up a large inanimate object on the sensors heading straight for you!”
I quickly jerked my head around and saw nothing. I pressed my finger to my right ear and said while still searching for the object “Liam, I thought it isn’t possible to hear things in space.” He said to me, as he stared at the sensors “It isn’t.” Sarah joined in continued to say “Liam there’s nothing out…”. As she said that the noise we heard just moments ago continued to make noise and a large black ship appeared right before our eyes. The ship was larger than any manmade object ever created. Its vastness would take up plenty of states on Earth, that’s how large this thing is. It had such an unwelcoming appearance so deathly and threatening. Nothing about this ship was pleasant.
My eyes opened so wide and my heart was at a standstill, I didn’t know what to think of this thing. All I could think was this thing will probably destroy us and I’ll become nothing but a memory. Before I knew it these large metal gates opened on the bottom of the ship, a bright luminous red ball of light appeared inside the gateway. Before I knew what happened the light (or what was now a laser) cut through the ship and launching me out into space. I was flailing all about trying to get myself from spiraling uncontrollably. My helmet began to start beeping and the air inside my helmet escaped leaving me to die in seconds.
~~~~~~~
“We have obtained matter 6 like requested” this creature said in an unheard alien language, talking to a hologram screen. “Good! Bring it back to me now!” Said a shadowed creature on the screen of the first creatures holographic screen. “Soon we shall take back what was rightfully ours, and soon the galaxy will be mine!” The creature continued, and the screen closed away.
~~~~~~~
Machines were humming around me, making noises as the pivoted from place to place. I heard things being tossed about and I heard a few things get dropped. I felt pressure on my skin but I wasn’t conscious enough to realize what was going on as of now. I could hear something but I couldn’t figure out what exactly I was hearing. I couldn’t hold myself together so I went unconscious once more.
I opened my eyes just barely enough to see the ceiling but it was blurry. My vision was out of sync as of this point. After a few minutes I opened my eyes all the way and tried to lift my head. My neck was stiff and it hurt to move it, but I managed to lift it up slightly. I didn’t have anything attached to me or on me in anyway so that was a relieving feeling. After about an hour of laying down I felt some strength to work myself up and actually get a glimpse of my environment.
It looked as if I was in a hospital, which seemed pretty accurate now since I was in a complete white room with machines all around me. I heard doors opening and I quickly looked to my right to find the glass doors open and this unknown thing walk in. I flinched because I wasn’t expecting to see this… whatever it is. The creature looked turtle-like in the face but with a human body. Its skin appeared of green on the parts that were visible but it only had four fingers without nails. It was a rather skinny alien . I couldn’t tell whether it was male or female but It wore semi tight white clothes that had a black trim going around the shirt and pants. It also carried a tablet thing that looked just looked like glass, but he was pushing buttons on it.
It started to talk to me in some language I couldn’t comprehend. All I could say was “What are you?”. Once I said that this turtle alien pushed a few more buttons on its glass tablet thing and said, in a fast more higher pitched but doctoral-like voice “Ah, a human! I’ve never met a human subject before! This is exciting!” I was so shocked and freaked out that I just randomly blurted out “What are you?! How are you talking to me?!” After saying that I backed up into the wall sliding on my butt using my hands to further me back. I was scared to know the answers, but as of now it was to late I already asked them.
The alien looked at me more intently and said “Curios little fellah aren’t yah? Well my name is Doctor Koriano. I am of the Saa race I’m sure you have heard of us yeah? We are the highly more intellectual race and our technology is far more advanced than any others.” I sat their with a blank expression trying to place together any pieces but as of now there is none. All I could manage to say was “Where am I?” Koriano responded with excitement “You are on the planet Sarkon, home planet of the Saa race!”
“How did I get here exactly? The last thing I remember is some black ship then a red light and now I’m here.” Koriano’s face went from excitement to terror. “About how big was this ship?” Koriano asked me. “Larger than anything I’ve ever witnessed.” Koriano paced back and forth scratching its head mumbling to itself. “Ooooh this is not good, not good at all!” He then stopped, looked at me and smiled, then said “No matter, I’m sure it will be dealt with in time! To answer your question, a group of scavvy’s collected you when they found you out in space, dead. They brought you to us and lucky for you we wanted to test our new nano bugs that we created. They repair the body and enhance it, and as we discovered it can bring back life! So exciting! But they cost a vast amount of Kolii so we can only try it on one subject.” Koriano said in his fast high-pitched tone of voice. “So you mean to say I was dead?” I asked. “Was, but no more.” Koriano answered.
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Curse PremiumNear the beginning, there were a couple of typos and issues with pronouns being plural/singular when they should be singular/plural, but other than that, I didn't notice any serious issues with grammar or spelling. There were some minor issues with grammar, but not enough to effect my ability to read the story.
One issue that popped up a few times was that there were sometimes verbs floating around without clearly defined subjects. I remember this happening one time when you were describing what a headset looks like, but I forget where that description was.
In general, there seemed to be subtle issues with vagueness in the way that you wrote some parts of the story. I know that when I was reading your story, my mind would subconsciously drift off because sentences would sometimes feel logically disconnected. It's easy to assume that the reader knows what you are talking about when you move onto another subject. However, it's best to air on the safe side by assuming that the reader doesn't know that the two subjects you talk about are related and explicitly stating that they are related. Sometimes using more specific words that are more specialized to the current situation also helps keep concepts clear. It is kind of hard to explain how to address the vagueness in your story, so I'll point out some examples in the following paragraph from the first chapter. I've spoilered the advice because I kind of got carried away, but hopefully you should find some of it useful:
By the time I went on to the next paragraph, I had forgotten what all the astronauts were strapping themselves into, probably because I was focusing too much on remembering what was going on in the paragraph above. I'll break this paragraph up into pieces and try to explain what the issues are with each piece:
This sentence is confusing because it could mean two different things. Something needs to be added to make it clear who is the subject of the action "approaching the door." One way to get rid of the ambiguity would be to add another word, to make it clear that Liam is the subject of the second action:
However, I don't really like how this is written, so I would change the conjunction "and" to something more specific, and change the tense of the verb "approach" to have parallel structure with the verb "worked":
My best guess is that, due to the probabilistic nature of quantum mechanics, Gyles and Liam switched places with each other. Or, maybe they just swapped consciousnesses with each other, so Liam is now it Gyles' body and Gyles is now in Liam's body. But you didn't actually mean that... right?
One way to to fix the sentence so it is clear that "I" is the subject of the second action would be by simply adding a comma:
Adding the comma makes it clear that "I" is the subject of both "worked my way" and "approaching the door." A rule to keep in mind is that whenever there is a verb in the middle of a sentence that ends with "-ing," that verb needs a comma in front of it. The comma helps separate the "-ing" verb from whatever came before it; in this case it makes it separate it from the person "Liam." There were many sentences in your story where commas could have been useful to make the relationships between words more clear, or even just to break up the monotony of long sentences. Words on paper can't convey the variations of tone of voice and rhythm of speech that words have when spoken aloud, but commas could be used to provide pauses that your story's sentences would have if you were to tell the story to someone else.
The next sentence has a somewhat similar problem with ambiguity of subject, as well as a few grammar issues that don't effect clarity:
Here are a two possible ways to fix it. In both cases, changing "the clicking sound" to "a clicking sound" reflects the fact that there is more than one clicking sound in the universe. Also the word "that" is added after "announcing" and "it's" was changed to "it was." The first fix makes "the door" the subject:
However, because the way this sentence is written, the sentence literally reads that the wheel handle of the door was continuously rotating. Plus, the word "sound" is redundant. Let's fix that:
Still, I highly doubt that a door would turn its own handle, unless the handle opened automatically, or was controlled by some other mechanism. However, I don't recall Gyles ever pushing a button, or unlocking the door with an eye scan. That would be pretty cool and sci-fi-like, although I'm pretty sure that wasn't what you meant.
The following fix makes "I" the subject:
Some changes were accumulated from the previous correction, plus "until the door" was added to retain the same meaning with the rest of the sentence.
These next few sentences are okay for the most part:
Liam's question is improper grammar, but in this scenario it may be interpreted as slang. Also, the word choice and sentence structure for "Liam said first thing with the deep voice of his" seems somewhat unusual, but that's probably a matter of personal preference. Although keeping the two pieces of dialogue on one line doesn't make it unclear as to who is speaking in this scenario, it helps to keep different pieces of dialogue in different paragraphs:
Keeping pieces of dialogue separate also gives you more freedom with sentence structure.
The following few sentences have several issues with ambiguity:
The word "good" is used far too much in this small amount of space. It's simply repetitive when Liam and Sarah say it, but when Gyles says "going good" it also feels very vague (in addition to being gramatically incorrect). It is also confusingly vague when Gyles says "go out and check things." What are the astronauts looking for? What are they concerned about?
It's also confusing whether it's Gyles or Liam that is suggesting the investigation, as well as whether it's Gyles or Sarah that agrees. Here's the same few sentences spaced out and given punctuation corrections:
Here's the last bit:
This seems fine for the most part. The only issue is that the word "So" has no useful meaning, so it's probably best to remove it.
Edit: Wow, I really did get carried away. Oh well.
Edit^2: Also, it would be very much appreciated if you put chapters in spoilers, if you're up for doing that. It makes it easier to scroll down.
Thank you =) I try to get every grammatical error out that I can find. And alright the second chapter is getting fairly close to being completed and I would say it's rather close to the same length. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter at least =)
Thanks =)