Welcome to my story! I'm not going to go too into detail not to spoil the story, just read for yourself!
Prolouge: Background Information
Okay, so before I tell you my story, I should tell you some background information, right? Well, for starters, my name is Ashton Craft. Steve Craft was many things, among them a dragon-slayer, an explorer who had been to the Nether and back, the leading authority on the elements of Minecraftia and my brother. Recently he found hieroglyphs in an ancient pyramid temple detailing of another dimension known as the Aether. Now, this "Aether" was detailed as a hostile paradise, if you could call it anything. The portal to it was built similar to a Nether portal, but with glowstone. He built it atop of the pyramid in which he found the hieroglyphs. That location is where the entire thing started. Oh, Steve's here, so he might as well speak his side of the story, right? *I turn around* HEY STEVE! Could you get in here? I think you should tell your side of the story!!! *Steve sits down by me* "Oh. I thought I would be exempt from this speaking!"
Chapter One: The Portal by Kasparal
The sun shone down on the desert ruins and I wiped another bead of sweat off of my face. "Hurry up Steve! I'm frying out here!" My brother was, as he always was, completely ignoring me and circling the dormant Aether portal with a notepad and a quill out. "Steve!" I yelled in frustration. "Come on!" He continued ignoring me, his gaze stuck on the bright glowstone blocks arranged in doorway-like shape on top of the rough sandstone pyramid. I opened my canteen, and sighed loudly to no avail as I realized I only had enough for a single gulp left. I was about to drink it, when another thought occurred to me. My anger at Steve and the unrelenting heat of the sun had come to a boiling point. I ran up to the pyramid, where he looked up briefly at my approach.
"Ashton? Hey, wait, Ashton!" He managed to dodge out of the way of my thrown canteen using the same instincts that had gotten him through the Nether and the End. He seemed furious. "I was in the middle of something Ashton! Haven't you ever learned that there are things more important than your stupid heat sickness! You could have ruined my notes!" He seemed ready to scream some more but I silenced him by holding up my hand and pointed behind him, to the portal. The canteen had spilled water onto it, and a bright blue light was beginning to glow from within it. Steve seemed dumbfounded for a moment, then laughed! "How did I not think of that? Water! Of course! What else would the ancient tribes have used? You're a genius Ashton!" He ran up to me and hugged me for a second before running off and packing up his notepad and quill, leaving me speechless.
"Well, there's no time to lose. I'll see you again soon Ashton. I couldn't have done it without you." He began walking towards the portal, and I was about to wish him good luck when I saw something behind him. "Steve!" I yelled. "There's a creeper behind you!" But he was too happy and distracted to hear me. I could hear him muttering about all the fantastic things he could find in the Aether. Suddenly, he leaped through the portal. I rushed to try and stop the creeper but it was too late. It exploded, knocking me back and shattering the portal into a million glowstone pieces. I got up, mostly unhurt, and stood, staring at the ruins of the portal. My brother was trapped in the Aether without any way to return.
Chapter Two: Desert Pig? WUT?
I immediately felt depression set in, but was quickly replaced by suspicion. Why would a creeper blow up a portal like that? It seemed like the creeper was sent on purpose to blow up the portal after my brother went in. I couldn't bother to answer that question, however, because I had to get more glowstone to fix the portal. I slid down the side of the pyramid until I felt sand at my feet. I quickly started looking for a way home when I noticed something. A pig. In the desert. Why the freaking heck would a pig be in the DESERT? I didn't bother to answer that question because it gave me an idea. I had a saddle in my pack, as well as a fishing rod and a carrot. I put the saddle on the pig as well as attached the carrot to the rod. At that time I had some transportation that could substitute for a meal. I sat on the saddle and held the carrot in front of the pig's face. It started going for the carrot and I was home in an instant. Sadly, the pig ate the carrot, so I couldn't ride it again. I took the saddle and went into the house. Considering I live there, I knew exactly where we keep our tools; right on the foot of our beds. I quickly ran to the bedroom and looked in my chest. Sure enough, there were all my diamond tools. I grabbed them all and put them in my belt (I keep some things in my belt for easy access). I was ready to go into the Nether and get some glowstone, even if I have to smack some zombie pig people in the face to get to it.
// Steve's POV //
The aether was an amazing dimension. The opposite of that hell hole, the Nether. There were these bushes that grew this food, which I have chosen to call a blue berry, due to it's color and the fact that it was too small to be an apple. As well, there was this other food that grew from these small, thin trees. I chose to call it an Orange. It was big enough to be an apple, but it didn't look like one, so I just called it an Orange due to it's color. I was about to chop a tree down with my diamond axe, but I saw something in the distance... a fortress. At it's top was a man. I decided to investigate. That tree could wait.
Trivia:
- Ashton Craft is actually me!
Send me documents with your chapter submissions. I might edit it a bit before I put it up, but I will credit you!
Make sure to send the document in a PM. I would put my e-mail up, but it's always spammed and I may not see it if you did.
Welcome to my story! I'm not going to go too into detail not to spoil the story, just read for yourself!
Prolouge: Background Information
Okay, so before I tell you my story, I should tell you some background information, right? Well, for starters, my name is Ashton Craft. My brother is the well-known Steve. He discovered a lot of things. Diamonds, Obsidian, the Nether, to name a few. Heck, he even defeated the Enderdragon in the end. Recently he found hieroglyphs in an ancient pyramid temple detailing of another dimension known as the Aether. He built a portal that would lead to this "Aether". I was the one who activated it, however, when I tripped and spilt a water bucket in the frame. After saying bye, he ventured off into the portal. One thing though. When he went in, a creeper (it's green, has four legs, a frown, and it blows up) blew up the portal frame, trapping my brother in the Aether. As well, in the wreckage, was a note. It said, and I quote: "The Aether may not be my territory, but Steve is going to die. And after he's done, I'll get his brother. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! -H" I knew then that I would have to go in there and save my brother. And that's basically what happened at first.
Trivia:
- Ashton Craft is actually me!
Well it's pretty good for your first iteration but it could definitely be improved. I posted some things I think you could work on below:
Okay, so before I tell you my story, I should tell you some background information, right? Well, for starters, my name is Ashton Craft. My brother is the well-known Steve. He discovered a lot of things. Diamonds, Obsidian, the Nether, to name a few. Heck, he even defeated the Enderdragon in the end. Recently he found hieroglyphs in an ancient pyramid temple detailing of another dimension known as the Aether.
There's one main thing you could fix here. For one, your introduction should be dramatic and hook the reader, or hint towards things to come. You kind of just make a statement but you don't have to. I'll give you an example: Steve Craft (I'm assuming his last name is also "Craft", since he's your brother), was many things, among them a dragon-slayer, an explorer who had been to the Nether and back, the leading authority on the elements of Minecraftia and my brother. And that's just an example, you can come up with anything for an introduction really.
He built a portal that would lead to this "Aether". I was the one who activated it, however, when I tripped and spilt a water bucket in the frame. After saying bye, he ventured off into the portal. One thing though. When he went in, a creeper (it's green, has four legs, a frown, and it blows up) blew up the portal frame, trapping my brother in the Aether.
You could have, instead of briefly telling us about it afterwards, just made the prologue this scene. That way you would have been able to add a lot more description and really give readers a picture of what was happening. For example:
The sun shone down on the desert ruins and I wiped another bead of sweat off of my face. "Hurry up Steve! I'm frying out here!" My brother was, as he always was, completely ignoring me and circling the dormant Aether portal with a notepad and a quill out. "Steve!" I yelled in frustration. "Come on!" He continued ignoring me, his gaze stuck on the bright glowstone blocks arranged in doorway-like shape on top of the rough sandstone pyramid. I opened my canteen, and sighed loudly to no avail as I realized I only had enough for a single gulp left. I was about to drink it, when another thought occurred to me. My anger at Steve and the unrelenting heat of the sun had come to a boiling point. I ran up to the pyramid, where he looked up briefly at my approach.
"Ashton? Hey, wait, Ashton!" He managed to dodge out of the way of my thrown canteen using the same instincts that had gotten him through the Nether and the End. He seemed furious. "I was in the middle of something Ashton! Haven't you ever learned that there are things more important than your stupid heat sickness! You could have ruined my notes!" He seemed ready to scream some more but I silenced him by holding up my hand and pointed behind him, to the portal. The canteen had spilled water onto it, and a bright blue light was beginning to glow from within it. Steve seemed dumbfounded for a moment, then laughed! "How did I not think of that? Water! Of course! What else would the ancient tribes have used? You're a genius Ashton!" He ran up to me and hugged me for a second before running off and packing up his notepad and quill, leaving me speechless.
"Well, there's no time to lose. I'll see you again soon Ashton. I couldn't have done it without you." He began walking towards the portal, and I was about to wish him good luck when I saw something behind him. "Steve!" I yelled. "There's a creeper behind you!" But he was too happy and distracted to hear me. I could hear him muttering about all the fantastic things he could find in the Aether. Suddenly, he leaped through the portal. I rushed to try and stop the creeper but it was too late. It exploded, knocking me back and shattering the portal into a million glowstone pieces. I got up, mostly unhurt, and stood, staring at the ruins of the portal. My brother was trapped in the Aether without any way to return.
As well, in the wreckage, was a note. It said, and I quote: "The Aether may not be my territory, but Steve is going to die. And after he's done, I'll get his brother. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! -H" I knew then that I would have to go in there and save my brother. And that's basically what happened at first.
Also, you should try and make it a little more suspenseful in the conclusion so that people will want to read the next chapters even more after reading this one.
Wow, I'm looking back at everything I wrote and I got a little carried away there but whatever. Other than the things I pointed so that you could improve on them it was pretty good. Keep writing!
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
I do this with my sister and then i usually get hit...
She isn't nice.
OT: Good beginning though i agree with Kasparal's assessment.
Well at least it was just water and not lava or something. Also I find it funny that my review of his story ended up being longer than his actual story.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
Well at least it was just water and not lava or something. Also I find it funny that my review of his story ended up being longer than his actual story.
Well it's pretty good for your first iteration but it could definitely be improved. I posted some things I think you could work on below:
Okay, so before I tell you my story, I should tell you some background information, right? Well, for starters, my name is Ashton Craft. My brother is the well-known Steve. He discovered a lot of things. Diamonds, Obsidian, the Nether, to name a few. Heck, he even defeated the Enderdragon in the end. Recently he found hieroglyphs in an ancient pyramid temple detailing of another dimension known as the Aether.
There's one main thing you could fix here. For one, your introduction should be dramatic and hook the reader, or hint towards things to come. You kind of just make a statement but you don't have to. I'll give you an example: Steve Craft (I'm assuming his last name is also "Craft", since he's your brother), was many things, among them a dragon-slayer, an explorer who had been to the Nether and back, the leading authority on the elements of Minecraftia and my brother. And that's just an example, you can come up with anything for an introduction really.
He built a portal that would lead to this "Aether". I was the one who activated it, however, when I tripped and spilt a water bucket in the frame. After saying bye, he ventured off into the portal. One thing though. When he went in, a creeper (it's green, has four legs, a frown, and it blows up) blew up the portal frame, trapping my brother in the Aether.
You could have, instead of briefly telling us about it afterwards, just made the prologue this scene. That way you would have been able to add a lot more description and really give readers a picture of what was happening. For example:
The sun shone down on the desert ruins and I wiped another bead of sweat off of my face. "Hurry up Steve! I'm frying out here!" My brother was, as he always was, completely ignoring me and circling the dormant Aether portal with a notepad and a quill out. "Steve!" I yelled in frustration. "Come on!" He continued ignoring me, his gaze stuck on the bright glowstone blocks arranged in doorway-like shape on top of the rough sandstone pyramid. I opened my canteen, and sighed loudly to no avail as I realized I only had enough for a single gulp left. I was about to drink it, when another thought occurred to me. My anger at Steve and the unrelenting heat of the sun had come to a boiling point. I ran up to the pyramid, where he looked up briefly at my approach.
"Ashton? Hey, wait, Ashton!" He managed to dodge out of the way of my thrown canteen using the same instincts that had gotten him through the Nether and the End. He seemed furious. "I was in the middle of something Ashton! Haven't you ever learned that there are things more important than your stupid heat sickness! You could have ruined my notes!" He seemed ready to scream some more but I silenced him by holding up my hand and pointed behind him, to the portal. The canteen had spilled water onto it, and a bright blue light was beginning to glow from within it. Steve seemed dumbfounded for a moment, then laughed! "How did I not think of that? Water! Of course! What else would the ancient tribes have used? You're a genius Ashton!" He ran up to me and hugged me for a second before running off and packing up his notepad and quill, leaving me speechless.
"Well, there's no time to lose. I'll see you again soon Ashton. I couldn't have done it without you." He began walking towards the portal, and I was about to wish him good luck when I saw something behind him. "Steve!" I yelled. "There's a creeper behind you!" But he was too happy and distracted to hear me. I could hear him muttering about all the fantastic things he could find in the Aether. Suddenly, he leaped through the portal. I rushed to try and stop the creeper but it was too late. It exploded, knocking me back and shattering the portal into a million glowstone pieces. I got up, mostly unhurt, and stood, staring at the ruins of the portal. My brother was trapped in the Aether without any way to return.
As well, in the wreckage, was a note. It said, and I quote: "The Aether may not be my territory, but Steve is going to die. And after he's done, I'll get his brother. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! -H" I knew then that I would have to go in there and save my brother. And that's basically what happened at first.
Also, you should try and make it a little more suspenseful in the conclusion so that people will want to read the next chapters even more after reading this one.
Wow, I'm looking back at everything I wrote and I got a little carried away there but whatever. Other than the things I pointed so that you could improve on them it was pretty good. Keep writing!
Holy heck, why haven't I thought of that???
EDIT: I'm trying to copy that part of this that's three paragraphs, but it's so hard to do on a Macbook Air
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
Prolouge: Background Information
Okay, so before I tell you my story, I should tell you some background information, right? Well, for starters, my name is Ashton Craft. Steve Craft was many things, among them a dragon-slayer, an explorer who had been to the Nether and back, the leading authority on the elements of Minecraftia and my brother. Recently he found hieroglyphs in an ancient pyramid temple detailing of another dimension known as the Aether. Now, this "Aether" was detailed as a hostile paradise, if you could call it anything. The portal to it was built similar to a Nether portal, but with glowstone. He built it atop of the pyramid in which he found the hieroglyphs. That location is where the entire thing started. Oh, Steve's here, so he might as well speak his side of the story, right? *I turn around* HEY STEVE! Could you get in here? I think you should tell your side of the story!!! *Steve sits down by me* "Oh. I thought I would be exempt from this speaking!"
Chapter One: The Portal by Kasparal
The sun shone down on the desert ruins and I wiped another bead of sweat off of my face. "Hurry up Steve! I'm frying out here!" My brother was, as he always was, completely ignoring me and circling the dormant Aether portal with a notepad and a quill out. "Steve!" I yelled in frustration. "Come on!" He continued ignoring me, his gaze stuck on the bright glowstone blocks arranged in doorway-like shape on top of the rough sandstone pyramid. I opened my canteen, and sighed loudly to no avail as I realized I only had enough for a single gulp left. I was about to drink it, when another thought occurred to me. My anger at Steve and the unrelenting heat of the sun had come to a boiling point. I ran up to the pyramid, where he looked up briefly at my approach.
"Ashton? Hey, wait, Ashton!" He managed to dodge out of the way of my thrown canteen using the same instincts that had gotten him through the Nether and the End. He seemed furious. "I was in the middle of something Ashton! Haven't you ever learned that there are things more important than your stupid heat sickness! You could have ruined my notes!" He seemed ready to scream some more but I silenced him by holding up my hand and pointed behind him, to the portal. The canteen had spilled water onto it, and a bright blue light was beginning to glow from within it. Steve seemed dumbfounded for a moment, then laughed! "How did I not think of that? Water! Of course! What else would the ancient tribes have used? You're a genius Ashton!" He ran up to me and hugged me for a second before running off and packing up his notepad and quill, leaving me speechless.
"Well, there's no time to lose. I'll see you again soon Ashton. I couldn't have done it without you." He began walking towards the portal, and I was about to wish him good luck when I saw something behind him. "Steve!" I yelled. "There's a creeper behind you!" But he was too happy and distracted to hear me. I could hear him muttering about all the fantastic things he could find in the Aether. Suddenly, he leaped through the portal. I rushed to try and stop the creeper but it was too late. It exploded, knocking me back and shattering the portal into a million glowstone pieces. I got up, mostly unhurt, and stood, staring at the ruins of the portal. My brother was trapped in the Aether without any way to return.
Chapter Two: Desert Pig? WUT?
I immediately felt depression set in, but was quickly replaced by suspicion. Why would a creeper blow up a portal like that? It seemed like the creeper was sent on purpose to blow up the portal after my brother went in. I couldn't bother to answer that question, however, because I had to get more glowstone to fix the portal. I slid down the side of the pyramid until I felt sand at my feet. I quickly started looking for a way home when I noticed something. A pig. In the desert. Why the freaking heck would a pig be in the DESERT? I didn't bother to answer that question because it gave me an idea. I had a saddle in my pack, as well as a fishing rod and a carrot. I put the saddle on the pig as well as attached the carrot to the rod. At that time I had some transportation that could substitute for a meal. I sat on the saddle and held the carrot in front of the pig's face. It started going for the carrot and I was home in an instant. Sadly, the pig ate the carrot, so I couldn't ride it again. I took the saddle and went into the house. Considering I live there, I knew exactly where we keep our tools; right on the foot of our beds. I quickly ran to the bedroom and looked in my chest. Sure enough, there were all my diamond tools. I grabbed them all and put them in my belt (I keep some things in my belt for easy access). I was ready to go into the Nether and get some glowstone, even if I have to smack some zombie pig people in the face to get to it.
// Steve's POV //
The aether was an amazing dimension. The opposite of that hell hole, the Nether. There were these bushes that grew this food, which I have chosen to call a blue berry, due to it's color and the fact that it was too small to be an apple. As well, there was this other food that grew from these small, thin trees. I chose to call it an Orange. It was big enough to be an apple, but it didn't look like one, so I just called it an Orange due to it's color. I was about to chop a tree down with my diamond axe, but I saw something in the distance... a fortress. At it's top was a man. I decided to investigate. That tree could wait.
Trivia:
- Ashton Craft is actually me!
Send me documents with your chapter submissions. I might edit it a bit before I put it up, but I will credit you!
Make sure to send the document in a PM. I would put my e-mail up, but it's always spammed and I may not see it if you did.
Well it's pretty good for your first iteration but it could definitely be improved. I posted some things I think you could work on below:
Okay, so before I tell you my story, I should tell you some background information, right? Well, for starters, my name is Ashton Craft. My brother is the well-known Steve. He discovered a lot of things. Diamonds, Obsidian, the Nether, to name a few. Heck, he even defeated the Enderdragon in the end. Recently he found hieroglyphs in an ancient pyramid temple detailing of another dimension known as the Aether.
There's one main thing you could fix here. For one, your introduction should be dramatic and hook the reader, or hint towards things to come. You kind of just make a statement but you don't have to. I'll give you an example: Steve Craft (I'm assuming his last name is also "Craft", since he's your brother), was many things, among them a dragon-slayer, an explorer who had been to the Nether and back, the leading authority on the elements of Minecraftia and my brother. And that's just an example, you can come up with anything for an introduction really.
He built a portal that would lead to this "Aether". I was the one who activated it, however, when I tripped and spilt a water bucket in the frame. After saying bye, he ventured off into the portal.
One thing though. When he went in, a creeper (it's green, has four legs, a frown, and it blows up) blew up the portal frame, trapping my brother in the Aether.
You could have, instead of briefly telling us about it afterwards, just made the prologue this scene. That way you would have been able to add a lot more description and really give readers a picture of what was happening. For example:
The sun shone down on the desert ruins and I wiped another bead of sweat off of my face. "Hurry up Steve! I'm frying out here!" My brother was, as he always was, completely ignoring me and circling the dormant Aether portal with a notepad and a quill out. "Steve!" I yelled in frustration. "Come on!" He continued ignoring me, his gaze stuck on the bright glowstone blocks arranged in doorway-like shape on top of the rough sandstone pyramid. I opened my canteen, and sighed loudly to no avail as I realized I only had enough for a single gulp left. I was about to drink it, when another thought occurred to me. My anger at Steve and the unrelenting heat of the sun had come to a boiling point. I ran up to the pyramid, where he looked up briefly at my approach.
"Ashton? Hey, wait, Ashton!" He managed to dodge out of the way of my thrown canteen using the same instincts that had gotten him through the Nether and the End. He seemed furious. "I was in the middle of something Ashton! Haven't you ever learned that there are things more important than your stupid heat sickness! You could have ruined my notes!" He seemed ready to scream some more but I silenced him by holding up my hand and pointed behind him, to the portal. The canteen had spilled water onto it, and a bright blue light was beginning to glow from within it. Steve seemed dumbfounded for a moment, then laughed! "How did I not think of that? Water! Of course! What else would the ancient tribes have used? You're a genius Ashton!" He ran up to me and hugged me for a second before running off and packing up his notepad and quill, leaving me speechless.
"Well, there's no time to lose. I'll see you again soon Ashton. I couldn't have done it without you." He began walking towards the portal, and I was about to wish him good luck when I saw something behind him. "Steve!" I yelled. "There's a creeper behind you!" But he was too happy and distracted to hear me. I could hear him muttering about all the fantastic things he could find in the Aether. Suddenly, he leaped through the portal. I rushed to try and stop the creeper but it was too late. It exploded, knocking me back and shattering the portal into a million glowstone pieces. I got up, mostly unhurt, and stood, staring at the ruins of the portal. My brother was trapped in the Aether without any way to return.
As well, in the wreckage, was a note. It said, and I quote: "The Aether may not be my territory, but Steve is going to die. And after he's done, I'll get his brother. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! -H" I knew then that I would have to go in there and save my brother. And that's basically what happened at first.
Also, you should try and make it a little more suspenseful in the conclusion so that people will want to read the next chapters even more after reading this one.
Wow, I'm looking back at everything I wrote and I got a little carried away there but whatever. Other than the things I pointed so that you could improve on them it was pretty good. Keep writing!
She isn't nice.
OT: Good beginning though i agree with Kasparal's assessment.
Well at least it was just water and not lava or something. Also I find it funny that my review of his story ended up being longer than his actual story.
Holy heck, why haven't I thought of that???
EDIT: I'm trying to copy that part of this that's three paragraphs, but it's so hard to do on a Macbook Air
Yup
Well alright. As long as you credit me I'm fine with it. Keep writing!