I like the emotion you put into characters. I love when writers give characters different personalities!
Two things you could improve story-wise:
How you explain the terrain. Explaining the environment is pretty much putting the reader in the character's shoes. Tell us every detail of the surroundings. How it feels to fall into a cavern, the pain after, any sounds you hear, any smells, etc. Anything at all.
How you introduce concepts and items. I know, from reading, that Cassidy has been surviving for a while but give us some back story or some explanation about some things. Tell us how she survived all this time, tell us the name of her dogs, or tell us what happened before that might be important later.
One thing you can change format-wise:
Separate dialogue from thoughts and other paragraphs. It creates a neater format and makes your story look professional.
Other than that, I will be looking forward to how the story plays out. Good job so far.
Oh wait! I almost forgot!
-Assassino
Name: Morgan
Gender: Male
Appearance: A very tall, seventeen year old boy. Dark brown skin and hazel eyes. He almost always wears a serious face. Thick, black eyebrows. Short black hair. He has a burn mark that races all along his arm from the first time he found out he could use fire. He is also muscular to the point where it's visible. He spawned in wearing a grey t-shirt, black (outside) and red (inside) jacket, and blue jeans. He also wear a bracelet with a diamond attached to it.
Personality: He is a very serious and disciplined person. Someone you always see standing up straight and expect to be a veteran. When it comes to other people, he is very protective and will sacrifice almost anything to protect those he cares about. He always tells himself "I have little to sacrifice so why not sacrifice it all?" The only thing that he has to remind him that he has a past is his diamond bracelet. Carved in it, it says "Always Remember -N (a heart is carved around the N)."
Power/skill (MUST have one of the two): His overall build and strength give him an advantage over enemies in his way. He can lift his enemies and throw them across a room or sweep heavy items out of the way. He also has the power to summon fire out of his hands. Morgan can only "fire-bend" when he is angry or emotionally stressed. He constantly reminds himself about his necklace which gives him the drive to use fire to his advantage. He can either create his own fire or control heat around him (such as fire from a torch or slowly moving lava).
Bio: Arriving at this land, he struggle to find shelter, constantly being attacked by mobs and other survivors that wanted his supplies. He killed to survive but he wasn't a murderer. After a night of hunting for items and food, he came back to his small, wooden hut and found that he had been wearing a bracelet this entire time. He didn't know why so Morgan investigated the bracelet. Solid diamond, beautifully crafted, and special somehow. He turned over the diamond and found what it said. He suddenly felt very sad and angry. His knees buckled and he felt to the ground, sobbing for some unknown reason. At that instant, his hands caught fire. He panicked and tried to find a bucket of water in one of his chests. The moment he touched the chest, it caught fire. His entire hut burnt to the ground and he barely mad it out alive. Morgan jumped into a nearby pond to extinguish himself. He saw the aftermath on his hand and the remains of his house. Since then, he has become a nomad, traveling and never stopping. (You can continue from there.)
Other: One night, he stumbled on an abandoned house while traveling to find supplies. Three dogs dead inside and the entire place has been untouched for a while. There were no blood stains so these dogs must have died of hunger. This place must have something me to use, he thought to himself. He checks the chests and they have all been raided. Damn it!
He slams the chest in rage and his hands ignite. He gets spooked but realizes that he just has to calm down. He paced his breathing and relaxed. His hands extinguished, as if the flames were never there. He walked outside and saw that the cave next to home had torches lighting the entrance. Curious, he entered the cavern in hopes of finding food or tools.
It was dark and too quiet. He thought about his bracelet and his left hand lit up in flames. For some reason, the bracelet was immune to the flames, so was his skin now. Morgan lowered the fire with a thought and continued. Still thinking about whoever "N" was and how they anger him, he found an opening to another cavern. He had no choice but to jump in.
He fell for a few seconds and hit some hard, very solid rock that hurt like hell. His knees took must of the impact and he fell to the ground, grabbing his right knee and groaning loudly in pain. He tried to scoot his way to the wall slowly but fell into a hole. He knew what happened. He fell into an endless abyss, certain he would die...
I saw the winners list and I said to myself, "Yeah!" a bit too loud. Anyways, great job on the second chapter! Two more things I could tell you to focus on. I would just say make the details more clear and give other people different styles of how they speak.
What now?
Two things you could improve story-wise:
How you explain the terrain. Explaining the environment is pretty much putting the reader in the character's shoes. Tell us every detail of the surroundings. How it feels to fall into a cavern, the pain after, any sounds you hear, any smells, etc. Anything at all.
How you introduce concepts and items. I know, from reading, that Cassidy has been surviving for a while but give us some back story or some explanation about some things. Tell us how she survived all this time, tell us the name of her dogs, or tell us what happened before that might be important later.
One thing you can change format-wise:
Separate dialogue from thoughts and other paragraphs. It creates a neater format and makes your story look professional.
Other than that, I will be looking forward to how the story plays out. Good job so far.
Oh wait! I almost forgot!
-Assassino
Name: Morgan
Gender: Male
Appearance: A very tall, seventeen year old boy. Dark brown skin and hazel eyes. He almost always wears a serious face. Thick, black eyebrows. Short black hair. He has a burn mark that races all along his arm from the first time he found out he could use fire. He is also muscular to the point where it's visible. He spawned in wearing a grey t-shirt, black (outside) and red (inside) jacket, and blue jeans. He also wear a bracelet with a diamond attached to it.
Personality: He is a very serious and disciplined person. Someone you always see standing up straight and expect to be a veteran. When it comes to other people, he is very protective and will sacrifice almost anything to protect those he cares about. He always tells himself "I have little to sacrifice so why not sacrifice it all?" The only thing that he has to remind him that he has a past is his diamond bracelet. Carved in it, it says "Always Remember -N (a heart is carved around the N)."
Power/skill (MUST have one of the two): His overall build and strength give him an advantage over enemies in his way. He can lift his enemies and throw them across a room or sweep heavy items out of the way. He also has the power to summon fire out of his hands. Morgan can only "fire-bend" when he is angry or emotionally stressed. He constantly reminds himself about his necklace which gives him the drive to use fire to his advantage. He can either create his own fire or control heat around him (such as fire from a torch or slowly moving lava).
Bio: Arriving at this land, he struggle to find shelter, constantly being attacked by mobs and other survivors that wanted his supplies. He killed to survive but he wasn't a murderer. After a night of hunting for items and food, he came back to his small, wooden hut and found that he had been wearing a bracelet this entire time. He didn't know why so Morgan investigated the bracelet. Solid diamond, beautifully crafted, and special somehow. He turned over the diamond and found what it said. He suddenly felt very sad and angry. His knees buckled and he felt to the ground, sobbing for some unknown reason. At that instant, his hands caught fire. He panicked and tried to find a bucket of water in one of his chests. The moment he touched the chest, it caught fire. His entire hut burnt to the ground and he barely mad it out alive. Morgan jumped into a nearby pond to extinguish himself. He saw the aftermath on his hand and the remains of his house. Since then, he has become a nomad, traveling and never stopping. (You can continue from there.)
Other:
One night, he stumbled on an abandoned house while traveling to find supplies. Three dogs dead inside and the entire place has been untouched for a while. There were no blood stains so these dogs must have died of hunger. This place must have something me to use, he thought to himself. He checks the chests and they have all been raided. Damn it!
He slams the chest in rage and his hands ignite. He gets spooked but realizes that he just has to calm down. He paced his breathing and relaxed. His hands extinguished, as if the flames were never there. He walked outside and saw that the cave next to home had torches lighting the entrance. Curious, he entered the cavern in hopes of finding food or tools.
It was dark and too quiet. He thought about his bracelet and his left hand lit up in flames. For some reason, the bracelet was immune to the flames, so was his skin now. Morgan lowered the fire with a thought and continued. Still thinking about whoever "N" was and how they anger him, he found an opening to another cavern. He had no choice but to jump in.
He fell for a few seconds and hit some hard, very solid rock that hurt like hell. His knees took must of the impact and he fell to the ground, grabbing his right knee and groaning loudly in pain. He tried to scoot his way to the wall slowly but fell into a hole. He knew what happened. He fell into an endless abyss, certain he would die...
Seems like I have some...
And finally, you ARE FINALLY WRITING CHAPTER TWO!
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
What now?
Seems like I have some...
What now?
Other than that, great job!
-Assassino
Seems like I have some...
What now?
Pigs really are smart. Soon the pigs shall revolt against the humans and become just as evil as the humans who previously ruled.
Oh wait, that's the plot of Animal Farm.
What now?
Keep up the good work!
What now?
Seems like I have some...