I personally have to use Google Docs to transfer the files... and I learnt that there is a way to get rid of that annoying background to copied text. You just paste in Word/GD and outline all of it, click 'Web Normal' on the... thing. It works like a Dwarven clock.
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OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
I personally have to use Google Docs to transfer the files... and I learnt that there is a way to get rid of that annoying background to copied text. You just paste in Word/GD and outline all of it, click 'Web Normal' on the... thing. It works like a Dwarven clock.
Though everyone else has more or less said it all for me, I thought I might as well post a review and some things you could improve on, if you're still planning on continuing this:
I was in the forest of NeverBurn (Which has a very appropriate name because it's almost always raining there.) and I was running from something, I didn't know what, I ran so fast, I almost missed the cabin with coats laid out neatly on the ground.
I feel like there's supposed to be tension here, but it isn't really felt. Try and talk about how the narrator feels, and give a vague idea of what's pursuing him. Is his heart racing, are his palms sweating, do his feet ache from running so hard? Something like that. Also, what is this beast he's running from like? You don't have to give anything that important away, just a few vague details. Do you hear the sound of the forest being trampled in it's wake? Does it make noise? Do you remember even a fleeting image of what it looked like? Because if you do, it can give the reader a real sense of tension.
"How long was this here?" I thought out loud. I noticed none of them were wet, I picked up one, put it on, and ran. I didn't feel wet anymore.
But wouldn't you already be wet? Putting on a coat would stop you from getting wet further, but it wouldn't make you dry. This isn't that big of a deal but it's a good example of logic. Don't worry too much about it though.
Anyways, I ran towards EverBurn (Which also has a very appropriate name because there's a central fire at the town square.) and ran towards the blacksmith. "Yes Steve?" he said "I need a sword, now!" I said, he always kept a sword in stock for me. He handed me the sword and I saw a tall black figure outside, long legs and arms, but a short body, with glowing purple eyes. I sliced him, and I cut him diagonally from his shoulder down to his waist. Halfway in the slice, I saw a purplish pearl. I picked it up. "Make me arrows with this as the tip," I said to the blacksmith
Should be "with these". Also, did the enderman (I'm assuming that's what it was by the description) die? You just said he "saw a purplish pearl". How do I know he didn't just get distracted by something shiny on the ground, pull his sword out of the enderman's chest, and go to investigate it? People probably won't think that but you can make sure they don't by having more details in your story.
"Okay" he answered
Also, this blacksmith is kind of a jerk. He makes weapons for a living and he nearly lets you die in this fight with an enderman without helping you at all. Unless he's blind or something. Or he has some kind of secretly evil personality. But we'll never know unless you tell us. Again, and I can't say this enough, details are very important!
"And also make a bow with this," at this point I pointed to a black metal "as the handle, and this," at this point I pointed to a string made of a gray powder "as the string." at this point I realized my right hand was cut off "and also I want a sword that can fit right on where my hand is."
Um, wouldn't he be even a little hurt if his hand is a bloody stump? Also, that fight scene could have been a lot more dramatic if you had used more detail. And your dialogue is formatted in a grammatically incorrect way. You shouldn't split it all up like that. And you shouldn't say "at this point" that often. Use variations in sentence structure to make. I'll give you a brief example of one way you could improve:
As I took the iron sword from the blacksmith, a sharp howl echoed from the other side of the town. It was the enderman, its skin as black as ash and its purple eyes hungry for blood. It wasted no time in leaping at me, claws extended, and I narrowly missed its reach. It was stronger than me and its claws flashed like knives but I was faster. I began to start stepping backwards, using my sword to parry its advances. As we dueled the townspeople began to scream and flee, but neither of us paid them any attention. We fought until we reached a wall and I could step backwards no further. Time seemed to slow down, and I could hear my heart racing. It swung again, this time aiming for my neck. I had made a terrible mistake. If I made an attempt to stab him, he would see my sword coming and knock it away. I had only one option left. I realized what I had to do, and, taking a deep breath, I steeled myself against the pain I knew I would feel. I met his hand with my own, and grabbed it, bringing it down forcefully. Blood began to flow from the wounds his claws made in it, but his momentary surprise gave me the opportunity to plunge the sword into his heart. His body quickly turned to ash, and the purple pearl that had been his heart appeared and clattered to the floor. I collapsed on the ground, and looked at my mangled left hand. I knew it couldn't be salvaged, and as the pain became almost unbearable my vision went dark, and I fell to the ground, unconscious, having paid the price for victory.
That was just me improvising, but I think it's a good example of how detail can really make stories a lot better. This story is a good start, but those are some things you should think about improving.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
Feel free to leave your comments. Or criticisms, I suppose, if they're constructive. Almost anything really, unless it's an outright threat. In that case I'd prefer you put it in a private message.
He he he. Using metaphors here are fine with me, unless it compares hills to a... I'm gonna stop right there. I get it from my dad, his humor has, sadly, transferred to me.
-snip-
But wouldn't you already be wet? Putting on a coat would stop you from getting wet further, but it wouldn't make you dry. This isn't that big of a deal but it's a good example of logic. Don't worry too much about it though.
-snip-
C'mon, there are younger children on this site. Swearing and or raging here WILL NOT solve anything. We are just telling you what we think, that is what good friends do. They are truthful and they say TRUTH. That was redundant.
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
What now?
A... Dwarvenclock. ADwarven clock.
John, while Jane had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had pleased the teacher the most.
Or something like that.
**Dwarven clockwork mechanisms = amazingly accurate and run for thousands of years on one winding.
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
What now?
I was in the forest of NeverBurn (Which has a very appropriate name because it's almost always raining there.) and I was running from something, I didn't know what, I ran so fast, I almost missed the cabin with coats laid out neatly on the ground.
I feel like there's supposed to be tension here, but it isn't really felt. Try and talk about how the narrator feels, and give a vague idea of what's pursuing him. Is his heart racing, are his palms sweating, do his feet ache from running so hard? Something like that. Also, what is this beast he's running from like? You don't have to give anything that important away, just a few vague details. Do you hear the sound of the forest being trampled in it's wake? Does it make noise? Do you remember even a fleeting image of what it looked like? Because if you do, it can give the reader a real sense of tension.
"How long was this here?" I thought out loud.
I noticed none of them were wet, I picked up one, put it on, and ran. I didn't feel wet anymore.
But wouldn't you already be wet? Putting on a coat would stop you from getting wet further, but it wouldn't make you dry. This isn't that big of a deal but it's a good example of logic. Don't worry too much about it though.
Anyways, I ran towards EverBurn (Which also has a very appropriate name because there's a central fire at the town square.) and ran towards the blacksmith.
"Yes Steve?" he said
"I need a sword, now!" I said, he always kept a sword in stock for me.
He handed me the sword and I saw a tall black figure outside, long legs and arms, but a short body, with glowing purple eyes. I sliced him, and I cut him diagonally from his shoulder down to his waist. Halfway in the slice, I saw a purplish pearl. I picked it up.
"Make me arrows with this as the tip," I said to the blacksmith
Should be "with these". Also, did the enderman (I'm assuming that's what it was by the description) die? You just said he "saw a purplish pearl". How do I know he didn't just get distracted by something shiny on the ground, pull his sword out of the enderman's chest, and go to investigate it?
"Okay" he answered
Also, this blacksmith is kind of a jerk. He makes weapons for a living and he nearly lets you die in this fight with an enderman without helping you at all. Unless he's blind or something. Or he has some kind of secretly evil personality. But we'll never know unless you tell us. Again, and I can't say this enough, details are very important!
"And also make a bow with this," at this point I pointed to a black metal "as the handle, and this," at this point I pointed to a string made of a gray powder "as the string." at this point I realized my right hand was cut off "and also I want a sword that can fit right on where my hand is."
Um, wouldn't he be even a little hurt if his hand is a bloody stump? Also, that fight scene could have been a lot more dramatic if you had used more detail. And your dialogue is formatted in a grammatically incorrect way. You shouldn't split it all up like that. And you shouldn't say "at this point" that often. Use variations in sentence structure to make. I'll give you a brief example of one way you could improve:
As I took the iron sword from the blacksmith, a sharp howl echoed from the other side of the town. It was the enderman, its skin as black as ash and its purple eyes hungry for blood. It wasted no time in leaping at me, claws extended, and I narrowly missed its reach. It was stronger than me and its claws flashed like knives but I was faster. I began to start stepping backwards, using my sword to parry its advances. As we dueled the townspeople began to scream and flee, but neither of us paid them any attention. We fought until we reached a wall and I could step backwards no further. Time seemed to slow down, and I could hear my heart racing. It swung again, this time aiming for my neck. I had made a terrible mistake. If I made an attempt to stab him, he would see my sword coming and knock it away. I had only one option left. I realized what I had to do, and, taking a deep breath, I steeled myself against the pain I knew I would feel. I met his hand with my own, and grabbed it, bringing it down forcefully. Blood began to flow from the wounds his claws made in it, but his momentary surprise gave me the opportunity to plunge the sword into his heart. His body quickly turned to ash, and the purple pearl that had been his heart appeared and clattered to the floor. I collapsed on the ground, and looked at my mangled left hand. I knew it couldn't be salvaged, and as the pain became almost unbearable my vision went dark, and I fell to the ground, unconscious, having paid the price for victory.
That was just me improvising, but I think it's a good example of how detail can really make stories a lot better. This story is a good start, but those are some things you should think about improving.
Yeah, I know. I get a little carried away sometimes.
Huh. I was about to use one right there... then I decided against it. XD
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
Or... a better one is perhaps just a single word...
Tomorrow.
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
Dude, the coats are MAGICAL!
What now?