In the town known as EverBurn, peace ran through, until today.
I was in the forest of NeverBurn (Which has a very appropriate name because it's almost always raining there.) and I was running from something, I didn't know what, I ran so fast, I almost missed the cabin with coats laid out neatly on the ground.
"How long was this here?" I thought out loud.
I noticed none of them were wet, I picked up one, put it on, and ran. I didn't feel wet anymore. Anyways, I ran towards EverBurn (Which also has a very appropriate name because there's a central fire at the town square.) and ran towards the blacksmith.
"Yes Steve?" he said
"I need a sword, now!" I said, he always kept a sword in stock for me.
He handed me the sword and I saw a tall black figure outside, long legs and arms, but a short body, with glowing purple eyes. I sliced him, and I cut him diagonally from his shoulder down to his waist. Halfway in the slice, I saw a purplish pearl. I picked it up.
"Make me arrows with this as the tip," I said to the blacksmith
"Okay" he answered
"And also make a bow with this," at this point I pointed to a black metal "as the handle, and this," at this point I pointed to a string made of a gray powder "as the string." at this point I realized my right hand was cut off "and also I want a sword that can fit right on where my hand is."
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Thanks for reading, please criticize my story if you will, and if you want your character in, post a character application.
Your prologue is only one sentence. Usually, just usually, in a prologue: It shows an event that happened before the real story but kind of caused the whole story in a way. It is usually in past or present tense and actually shows at least a small preview or a few paragraphs of the event. The story is quite short, I was able to read it in less than a thirty seconds. There are some punctuation errors. You could also be more specific. For example, instead of just saying straightforward: I was in the forest of NeverBurn, you can something LIKE this. I would say it like this: The leaves clung onto the trees and the ground brushed against my legs, damp and cold. It was drizzling. Or, pouring, like it always does in the Forest of NeverBurn. Or something like that, I don't know how it really looks. The story is really fast, so just add more to it.
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The prologue is only one sentence? Normally a prologue is about three paragraphs that foreshadows the story. Chapter 1 is the size of a normal prologue. Be a bit more descriptive. It's too short, I'm working on making my chapters longer. Use an original name, I'm tired of Steve. Not very many people are going to red "To be Named" so I suggest you find a name. Instead of saying, I ran towards Everburn," say "I ran through the forest. Wet leaves clung to me, and it was hard to see through the pouring rain. As I got closer, I could see the towering walls with guards positioned at every tower, of which the city had many. We were always ready to fight, even thought there had been no conflict in the land for centuries. As I got even closer, I could see the giant flame positioned in the center of the city. This flame gave the city it's name, Everburn."
Also, I can't take you seriously with the ninjago avatar.
I have to agree. I was surprised the prologue was one sentence. I mean, in the fanfic I plan to write, the whole prologue is a dream. Don't give up on it, just polish it.
I agree with all that has been posted in between this post and your post, Tanks. It's all true. I'm sorry, but even I didn't like my story since it got too short. So my solution: I made it longer. Just do that and come up with a new and better prologue! Turn your hut of a prologue into a CASTLE!
I don't mean to be mean (XD) but... my god. Please... urgh. Here:
I was in the forest of NeverBurn (Which has a very appropriate name because it's almost always raining there.REMOVE PERIOD) and I was running from something, REMOVE COMMA, REPLACE WITH PERIOD I didn't know what I WAS RUNNING FROM, BUT I RAN SO FAST THAT I ALMOST MISSED THE (is it a certain cabin? Or is it a random cabin?) CABIN THAT HAD RAIN JACKETS LAID OUT (This makes very little sense... wouldn't there be a shop? A chest? Some sort of... thing other than a cabin with coats outside? Plus, what the heck does the cabin look like? What do the coats look like? What does the road look like? What does the scenery look like?! What does ANYTHING look like?!), I ran so fast, I almost missed the cabin with coats laid out neatly on the ground. "How long was HAS THIS BEEN HERE this here?" I thought out loud. I noticed none of them were wet SO I PICKED ONE UP AND PUT IT ON, THEN I CONTINUED RUNNING FROM WHATEVER WAS CHASING ME. I picked up one, put it on, and ran. I didn't feel wet anymor SINCE WHEN WAS THE CHARACTER WET? IT WAS NEVER MENTIONED. Anyways, I ran towards EverBurn (Which also has a very appropriate name because there's a N EVERBURNING CENTRAL FIRE IN THE TOWN SQUARE central fire at the town square.) and ran ARRIVED! DO NOT USE 'RAN' towards the blacksmith. "Yes COMMA! Steve?" THE (ADJECTIVE STRING) BLACKSMITH SAID TO ME, AS I ENTERED THE (ADJECTIVE STRING) SHOP. he said "I need a sword, now!" I said, I KNEW THAT he always kept a sword in stock for me. He RUMMAGED AROUND IN (WHATEVER, CHEST/THE BACK/SOMETHING) handed me A (ADJECTIVE STRING) SWORD the sword JUST BEFORE A TALL BLACK FIGURE APPEARED OUTSIDE OF THE SHOP. IT HAD (DESCRIPTION) and I saw a tall black figure outside, long legs and arms, but a short body, with glowing purple eyes.I RAN OUTSIDE AND SWUNG THE SWORD AT HIM (USE A BETTER WORD, PLEASE!), SLICING HIM IN THE (?!). THEN I CUT HIM FROM HIS SHOULDER TO HIS WAIST, CAUSING HIM TO FALL OVER DEAD (WHY WOULD HE LET YOU PICK THE PURPLISH PEARL UP WHILE HE'S ALIVE?!) sliced him, and I cut him diagonally from his shoulder down to his waist. Halfway IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS STOMACH, I SAW A SHIMMERING, PURPLE PEARL. I PICKED IT UP, CAREFUL TO NOT GET ANY OF THE CREATURE'S BLOOD ON ME. in the slice, I saw a purplish pearl. I picked it up. "Make me arrows with this as the tip," I said to the blacksmith WHOM HAD COME OUTSIDE TO WATCH THE SPECTACLE. "Okay" he answered COMMA DUMBFOUNDED (You probably want to use another word.) "And also AND THEN, MAKE A BOW WITH THIS, make a bow with this," at this point I POINTED TO A BLACK INGOT THAT SAT ON DISPLAY IN HIS SHOP'S WINDOW (Due to lack of description, these edits are not that good.) I pointed to a black metal "as the handle, and this," at this point I POINTED TO A GRAY STRING THAT SAT NEXT TO THE INGOT IN THE WINDOW. I pointed to a string made of a gray powder "as the string." CAPITALIZE 'A'at this point COMMA! I realized my right hand HAD BEEN MYSTERIOUSLY SEVERED was cut off "and also I want a sword that can fit right on where my hand is."
Okay... so how is he going to wield the bow? He has no right hand, correct? What do things look like? The thing you described the most was the black thing, and that wasn't described that much. I'm sorry for the terrible edits, but I had so little to work with that I couldn't do much to revive your story.
And no, I'm not being mean. I'm trying to help you with it. D;
PS: Try to write at least a page (12 font) in word before posting a chapter/such. Please.
What story is this again? Oh yeah. This story.
I'm not really interested in this story. That's not good.
I really can't think straight currently (4:23), so I've no advice... sorry.
Oh! I made a lot of corrections!
What do they mean?
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
I wish I could edit your story some more, but the description is still too vague for me to get a feel for it. It's rather... ambiguous to me. Too undefined and amorphous.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
I agree with everything before this. We are not being mean, we are using constructive criticism. You need to lengthen everything. And the prologue should provide a backstory, perhaps, or introduce the villain, but not the hero. Try typing it in word (like Mage said), and though a real person is better and I highly suggest an editor, do the spelling/grammar check word has. You need to give more. There's just not enough to follow. Also, Steve really is a horrible name, it's overused. Try something more original. I'm not being mean, just constructive in your favor, and I suggest you take everyone before me's and my advice.
"How long was this here?" I thought out loud.
I noticed none of them were wet, I picked up one, put it on, and ran. I didn't feel wet anymore. Anyways, I ran towards EverBurn (Which also has a very appropriate name because there's a central fire at the town square.) and ran towards the blacksmith.
"Yes Steve?" he said
"I need a sword, now!" I said, he always kept a sword in stock for me.
He handed me the sword and I saw a tall black figure outside, long legs and arms, but a short body, with glowing purple eyes. I sliced him, and I cut him diagonally from his shoulder down to his waist. Halfway in the slice, I saw a purplish pearl. I picked it up.
"Make me arrows with this as the tip," I said to the blacksmith
"Okay" he answered
"And also make a bow with this," at this point I pointed to a black metal "as the handle, and this," at this point I pointed to a string made of a gray powder "as the string." at this point I realized my right hand was cut off "and also I want a sword that can fit right on where my hand is."
Age:
Gender:
Alignment:
Weapon of Choice:
Power Unknown to Character:
Other:
Also, I can't take you seriously with the ninjago avatar.
EDIT: 100 posts YEEEEEEEEES!!!!!
Odd metaphors FTW
I prefer the word, "obscure".
I was in the forest of NeverBurn (Which has a very appropriate name because it's almost always raining there.REMOVE PERIOD) and I was running from something, REMOVE COMMA, REPLACE WITH PERIOD I didn't know what I WAS RUNNING FROM, BUT I RAN SO FAST THAT I ALMOST MISSED THE (is it a certain cabin? Or is it a random cabin?) CABIN THAT HAD RAIN JACKETS LAID OUT (This makes very little sense... wouldn't there be a shop? A chest? Some sort of... thing other than a cabin with coats outside? Plus, what the heck does the cabin look like? What do the coats look like? What does the road look like? What does the scenery look like?! What does ANYTHING look like?!), I ran so fast, I almost missed the cabin with coats laid out neatly on the ground.
"How long was HAS THIS BEEN HERE this here?" I thought out loud.
I noticed none of them were wet SO I PICKED ONE UP AND PUT IT ON, THEN I CONTINUED RUNNING FROM WHATEVER WAS CHASING ME. I picked up one, put it on, and ran. I didn't feel wet anymor SINCE WHEN WAS THE CHARACTER WET? IT WAS NEVER MENTIONED. Anyways, I ran towards EverBurn (Which also has a very appropriate name because there's a N EVERBURNING CENTRAL FIRE IN THE TOWN SQUARE central fire at the town square.) and ran ARRIVED! DO NOT USE 'RAN' towards the blacksmith.
"Yes COMMA! Steve?" THE (ADJECTIVE STRING) BLACKSMITH SAID TO ME, AS I ENTERED THE (ADJECTIVE STRING) SHOP. he said
"I need a sword, now!" I said, I KNEW THAT he always kept a sword in stock for me.
He RUMMAGED AROUND IN (WHATEVER, CHEST/THE BACK/SOMETHING) handed me A (ADJECTIVE STRING) SWORD the sword JUST BEFORE A TALL BLACK FIGURE APPEARED OUTSIDE OF THE SHOP. IT HAD (DESCRIPTION) and I saw a tall black figure outside, long legs and arms, but a short body, with glowing purple eyes.I RAN OUTSIDE AND SWUNG THE SWORD AT HIM (USE A BETTER WORD, PLEASE!), SLICING HIM IN THE (?!). THEN I CUT HIM FROM HIS SHOULDER TO HIS WAIST, CAUSING HIM TO FALL OVER DEAD (WHY WOULD HE LET YOU PICK THE PURPLISH PEARL UP WHILE HE'S ALIVE?!) sliced him, and I cut him diagonally from his shoulder down to his waist. Halfway IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS STOMACH, I SAW A SHIMMERING, PURPLE PEARL. I PICKED IT UP, CAREFUL TO NOT GET ANY OF THE CREATURE'S BLOOD ON ME. in the slice, I saw a purplish pearl. I picked it up.
"Make me arrows with this as the tip," I said to the blacksmith WHOM HAD COME OUTSIDE TO WATCH THE SPECTACLE.
"Okay" he answered COMMA DUMBFOUNDED (You probably want to use another word.)
"And also AND THEN, MAKE A BOW WITH THIS, make a bow with this," at this point I POINTED TO A BLACK INGOT THAT SAT ON DISPLAY IN HIS SHOP'S WINDOW (Due to lack of description, these edits are not that good.) I pointed to a black metal "as the handle, and this," at this point I POINTED TO A GRAY STRING THAT SAT NEXT TO THE INGOT IN THE WINDOW. I pointed to a string made of a gray powder "as the string." CAPITALIZE 'A'at this point COMMA! I realized my right hand HAD BEEN MYSTERIOUSLY SEVERED was cut off "and also I want a sword that can fit right on where my hand is."
Okay... so how is he going to wield the bow? He has no right hand, correct?
What do things look like? The thing you described the most was the black thing, and that wasn't described that much.
I'm sorry for the terrible edits, but I had so little to work with that I couldn't do much to revive your story.
And no, I'm not being mean. I'm trying to help you with it. D;
PS: Try to write at least a page (12 font) in word before posting a chapter/such. Please.
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
Wait... what?
What story is this again? Oh yeah. This story.
I'm not really interested in this story. That's not good.
I really can't think straight currently (4:23), so I've no advice... sorry.
Oh! I made a lot of corrections!
What do they mean?
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
Look at it. It is pure 'epicness'.XD
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
I wish I could edit your story some more, but the description is still too vague for me to get a feel for it. It's rather... ambiguous to me. Too undefined and amorphous.
OnceInALongTime: "You confuse me, Mage. Amazability should be a word so I could describe your words."
This is getting attention for all the wring reasons.
What now?