The Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
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6/16/2012
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Chapter 1 "The Cave"
Its been a long time now since I have last seen my real home, almost 3 years ago. I miss my kids and my wife so much, but I must not think about that right now. Surviving this is my top priority. Sitting in this cavern sealed in a dark room with zombies and creepers waiting for me, the only thing I hate more than being here with all these monsters is not having a sword. All that I have is 5 cooked pork , 2 sticks, a stone pickax with only a couple more hits left, and a full wood shovel. “I guess I’ll use the shovel first, it will be tricky getting out of this.” I broke the stone block lowest to the ground to see if they’re out there. I swung my shovel at the feet of one zombie. It took 5 hits before he hit the ground, he dropped a gold sword! “It only has half health but it works.” I broke the other block and dashed into the open cavern 2 more zombies and a creeper stand in my way. Swing at the first zombie slice him right in half. Charge at the creeper, stabbed it right through the chest. I hear a loud “clang” look down all I’m holding is the hilt of the sword. One last zombie and my sword is gone I run past him, up the cavern i can see sunlight. Running as hard, as I could reach the top. Finally out of the cavern. I find my dirt shack; open the door cautious I look around the inside first. As I turn to close the door behind me, “Sssssss, BOOM!”if anyone likes it tell me so i can post chapter 2
Meh, this could use improvement. Try to write longer chapters. Also, if you want your story to be read you have to make it a bit different. There are maaaaanyyyyy maaaanyyyy survival fanfictions in this forum.
10/4
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Would you like to know the atomic structure of a piece of bread?
Same suggestion as MadScientist. There are a lot of survival stories. As you might notice, many of the popular stories have taken it up a notch to have stories not just about surviving but... Take sc1020, Zeiustepali, Farteh16... That shouldn't stop you anyways. Add more tension and details. Like, you say you haven't seen your home and family in three years. You need to survive.
Just an opinion: If the character is kind and stuff, should't he be surviving to get back to his family? Just an opinion.
When you say that, it seems too straight forward. I may be having a little problem with this myself. I think. Maybe, something like this: If I were the writer, I'd do it like this. It's all up to you. I don't know how they actually act. You do not mention it.
I haven't been home or seen my family in 3 years. I miss my children; their playful energy and cheery smiles. I miss my wife; her warm comfort and the relaxed feeling whenever I'm around her. Those are now memories. I need to survive. I need to get back to them. I don't care if how long it takes. I just, I need to get back to them.
Something like that, it's just my style of writing. The creeper part, when you rush out of the cave, go to your shack and the creeper explodes. It seems like it is missing excitement. Maybe something like this? Again in my style of writing.
The shadows of the cavern race by my side, breath heavy, forehead sweating. "Almost there!" I see, light! I'm almost there, don't die now. Don't die now. I jump out of the cave at the last second and rush to my dirt shack. As if whispering, a light sound, like a pot under boiling water emits from the creature's mouth. I can hear it, the Creeper inside the cave. My eyes don't stray behind me as I shut the door of the shack. Then I hear it. Ssssss. Oh, ____. The Creeper explodes, with me in it.
This was the best I could do. I'm sure someone can make it better though, in a rating, I'd give the story a 4/10. It lacks some important "excitement," areas or so, it could be more descriptive (I may be working on that too for my story: Visions To The Past: Void), longer chapters. At least up until five or so paragraphs? And it needs something to make it spark. There are a lot of survival stories.
Good Luck on your writing, I hope I haven't offended you or anything. Could use improvement, but you'll get there, nobody starts a picture perfect. Happy writing! OnceInALongTime.
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Its been a long time now since I have last seen my real home, almost 3 years ago. I miss my kids and my wife so much, but I must not think about that right now. Surviving this is my top priority. Sitting in this cavern sealed in a dark room with zombies and creepers waiting for me, the only thing I hate more than being here with all these monsters is not having a sword. All that I have is 5 cooked pork , 2 sticks, a stone pickax with only a couple more hits left, and a full wood shovel. “I guess I’ll use the shovel first, it will be tricky getting out of this.” I broke the stone block lowest to the ground to see if they’re out there. I swung my shovel at the feet of one zombie. It took 5 hits before he hit the ground, he dropped a gold sword! “It only has half health but it works.” I broke the other block and dashed into the open cavern 2 more zombies and a creeper stand in my way. Swing at the first zombie slice him right in half. Charge at the creeper, stabbed it right through the chest. I hear a loud “clang” look down all I’m holding is the hilt of the sword. One last zombie and my sword is gone I run past him, up the cavern i can see sunlight. Running as hard, as I could reach the top. Finally out of the cavern. I find my dirt shack; open the door cautious I look around the inside first. As I turn to close the door behind me, “Sssssss, BOOM!”if anyone likes it tell me so i can post chapter 2
10/4
TT2000, you are genius.
Just an opinion: If the character is kind and stuff, should't he be surviving to get back to his family? Just an opinion.
When you say that, it seems too straight forward. I may be having a little problem with this myself. I think. Maybe, something like this: If I were the writer, I'd do it like this. It's all up to you. I don't know how they actually act. You do not mention it.
I haven't been home or seen my family in 3 years. I miss my children; their playful energy and cheery smiles. I miss my wife; her warm comfort and the relaxed feeling whenever I'm around her. Those are now memories. I need to survive. I need to get back to them. I don't care if how long it takes. I just, I need to get back to them.
Something like that, it's just my style of writing. The creeper part, when you rush out of the cave, go to your shack and the creeper explodes. It seems like it is missing excitement. Maybe something like this? Again in my style of writing.
The shadows of the cavern race by my side, breath heavy, forehead sweating. "Almost there!" I see, light! I'm almost there, don't die now. Don't die now. I jump out of the cave at the last second and rush to my dirt shack. As if whispering, a light sound, like a pot under boiling water emits from the creature's mouth. I can hear it, the Creeper inside the cave. My eyes don't stray behind me as I shut the door of the shack. Then I hear it. Ssssss. Oh, ____. The Creeper explodes, with me in it.
This was the best I could do. I'm sure someone can make it better though, in a rating, I'd give the story a 4/10. It lacks some important "excitement," areas or so, it could be more descriptive (I may be working on that too for my story: Visions To The Past: Void), longer chapters. At least up until five or so paragraphs? And it needs something to make it spark. There are a lot of survival stories.
Good Luck on your writing, I hope I haven't offended you or anything. Could use improvement, but you'll get there, nobody starts a picture perfect. Happy writing! OnceInALongTime.