The Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Join Date:
8/6/2012
Posts:
247
Location:
Behind.... a screen...
Minecraft:
Synaxin
Member Details
Hmm, I just got to reading this and I likey. Infact.....
Name: (first and last name requested) Shatryin Opierion
Age:24
Gender: Male Race: (human or enderman) Human, although he knows magic.
Bio: When Shatryin started traveling, looking for a good place to call home, he sometimes went into a bar to hear the local gossip, and that's when it changed, when he went into a seaside bar, he walked in, ordered a drink, and payed, that's when a big brute came in, and decided to steal his drink, which he challenged him into a fight, after he was insulted by him many times, all Shatryin brought weapon wise was a dagger, but it was enough, the big brute accepted, and Shatryin lead him outside, and they fought, the brute had a club, and he only had a dagger and his mobility against him, one hit and Shatryin would be dead, but, each time the brute tried to hit him he dodged, until he was backed into a corner, nowhere to dodge, and that's when he did the impossible: He aimed his dagger at the handle of the mace, cutting the pure steel with the blade, then grabbed the brute's leg, tripping him, then following with an upwards kick which launched him up, Shatryin then grabbed the broken handle and swung it upwards into the brute, he then banged it into the ground and it seemed to form a sharp tip, and he jabbed it into the brute who was still in the air, then he threw the metal rod into the ground, making it bounce off of it, and in a split second he had jumped off of it and cut at the brute's waist, cutting him in two and winning the fight, that's when he looked at the rod and saw it sparking, as if it contained some magic, but surely magic couldn't stay in an object for long without someone with magic holding it, and that's when he knew he had discovered magic.
Appearance: (a picture or well described description) Slightly tan skin, not very muscular, but pretty strong, wears casual clothes most of the time and wears high quality shoes, his eyes are silver, he has a relatively small nose and ears, and has a small scar across his left cheek in the shape of a crescent. Personality: Not easily angered, doesn't like to back down, and if someone bigger than him challenges him he gladly lets them know that they have a very low chance of winning, he enjoys rain so long as it isn't pouring too hard, and does help friends if they need it, he is pretty brave and protects the weak from the strong, unless they are very evil, which then he doesn't care.
Good or Evil? (please no neutral) Good Other: Extremely agile and mobile, has no problem fighting against ten people at the same time. His only weapon is a dagger which has been infused with magic, and thus allows him to cast some spells or whatever you call them in this book.
P.S. If Void is about to end then I would like him to be in the next book, if it has magic and you're going to accept characters, however if Void is not about to end then just stick him in there if he's accepted.
Hmm, I just got to reading this and I likey. Infact.....
Name: (first and last name requested) Shatryin Opierion
Age:24
Gender: Male Race: (human or enderman) Human, although he knows magic.
Bio: When Shatryin started traveling, looking for a good place to call home, he sometimes went into a bar to hear the local gossip, and that's when it changed, when he went into a seaside bar, he walked in, ordered a drink, and payed, that's when a big brute came in, and decided to steal his drink, which he challenged him into a fight, after he was insulted by him many times, all Shatryin brought weapon wise was a dagger, but it was enough, the big brute accepted, and Shatryin lead him outside, and they fought, the brute had a club, and he only had a dagger and his mobility against him, one hit and Shatryin would be dead, but, each time the brute tried to hit him he dodged, until he was backed into a corner, nowhere to dodge, and that's when he did the impossible: He aimed his dagger at the handle of the mace, cutting the pure steel with the blade, then grabbed the brute's leg, tripping him, then following with an upwards kick which launched him up, Shatryin then grabbed the broken handle and swung it upwards into the brute, he then banged it into the ground and it seemed to form a sharp tip, and he jabbed it into the brute who was still in the air, then he threw the metal rod into the ground, making it bounce off of it, and in a split second he had jumped off of it and cut at the brute's waist, cutting him in two and winning the fight, that's when he looked at the rod and saw it sparking, as if it contained some magic, but surely magic couldn't stay in an object for long without someone with magic holding it, and that's when he knew he had discovered magic.
Appearance: (a picture or well described description) Slightly tan skin, not very muscular, but pretty strong, wears casual clothes most of the time and wears high quality shoes, his eyes are silver, he has a relatively small nose and ears, and has a small scar across his left cheek in the shape of a crescent. Personality: Not easily angered, doesn't like to back down, and if someone bigger than him challenges him he gladly lets them know that they have a very low chance of winning, he enjoys rain so long as it isn't pouring too hard, and does help friends if they need it, he is pretty brave and protects the weak from the strong, unless they are very evil, which then he doesn't care.
Good or Evil? (please no neutral) Good Other: Extremely agile and mobile, has no problem fighting against ten people at the same time. His only weapon is a dagger which has been infused with magic, and thus allows him to cast some spells or whatever you call them in this book.
P.S. If Void is about to end then I would like him to be in the next book, if it has magic and you're going to accept characters, however if Void is not about to end then just stick him in there if he's accepted.
1. He is accepted! One thing though, the description tells how he learned he had magic. If it is fine with you, I'll add more to his description in the story.
2. Void is not about to end. I make the chapters short, so the story will have a lot of chapters. How many I'm not sure. More than 25, if the story goes well.
3. Expect him to start appearing in Chapter 11 to 12.
It's summer for me, late at night, I'm active a lot at night. This time, for your timezone. Well, I'm supposed to be at bed, which I am, but writing and reading helps me sleep. So, if you see me on the computer or at my desk all day, I'm writing. The chapters are short, so there will be a lot of chapters. I'm not rushing myself, but I write for the sake of writing. This one is sparks. IT SPARKS! IT'S ALIVE!
It's fine with me if you change the description a bit, I'm not very good with them for some reason...
Descriptions and Bios are the hardest part for me. That or the personality. It takes researching and inspiration. I get inspiration when I write. Not as much planning it. I have to write things down to note my ideas. Oops, going off topic. Anyways, okay.
1. Before I can accept Jacob Hoffman, I do not understand how he is a spirit. Is he already dead? Please explain. And then I'll accept him.
2. Coron Hawthorne is accepted. Expect to see him in Chapter 10 or 11.
3. Okay!
I changed that. I was doing a different thing. My edited post must've gotten mixed with the original one. So scratch out the spirit parts
I hope it's fine, to add Jake to my story, I'll have to add some parts to his description.For example, there are Kingdoms, but they are most of the time, teamed with the Alliance. So Jake Hoffman is a skills fighter and an heir. He can be the son of the Leader. Or so he is called. Might sound confusing... You'll see his position in the story. Expect him to start appearing in Chapter 11 or 12.
I hope it's fine, to add Jake to my story, I'll have to add some parts to his description.For example, there are Kingdoms, but they are most of the time, teamed with the Alliance. So Jake Hoffman is a skills fighter and an heir. He can be the son of the Leader. Or so he is called. Might sound confusing... You'll see his position in the story. Expect him to start appearing in Chapter 11 or 12.
Oh, sweet. That's sooner than I expected. My goal is to apply a character in all of the Rift Project fanfictions possible.
Oh great goody green gremlins. Now there is an elite enderman. But as I always said: Scythes are exactly the length of Endermen. I mean, a sword would look quite awkward in the hand of an Enderman, wouldn't it.
And as always, good work.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Would you like to know the atomic structure of a piece of bread?
Thanks, guys. At the most, since I write short-ish chapters for the sake of writing, expect it today or by the next two days. Happy writing to you guys, too! You guys are awesome!
Hmm. I cannot hide the fact that this is a good story. The storyline is nice, the characters seem pretty well-rounded, and it moves at an okay speed. However, something that bothers me quite a bit: your grammar... the missing words... One more thing that's good about it: The spelling. I have yet to find a single spelling error, and that's pretty good. Every other story I've read has a spelling error every couple sentences, besides LoS(because someone went through and fixed it). I would offer to help you, except that I'm working on two stories, and trying to help someone else out, while balancing that with school(homework+stress=school), personal life, and finding time to do whatever-the-heck-I-want. So yeah.
Oh and by the way, I think this story would be a few magnitudes better(not that it's bad, just that it could be better, like all things) if you were to add in more detailed descriptions of what was happening. Like instead of saying:
"It was raining."
say:
"Water fell from the sky, and the smell of clean air filled my lungs, the sound of pouring rain like the purr of a cat filled my ears, and the gusts of wind blowing through the rain, and causing it to turn to a spray of water as thick as the clouds on a stormy day, yet as thin as the rays of sunlight in a cave, caressed my eyes."
I'll be using something like the above in my story, but feel free to copy it if you're okay with our stories being similar.
But yeah. The difference is that in the first quote I just said what was happening, whereas in the second quote I described the details.
So yeah, happy writing, and I hope I didn't offend you.
Hmm. I cannot hide the fact that this is a good story. The storyline is nice, the characters seem pretty well-rounded, and it moves at an okay speed. However, something that bothers me quite a bit: your grammar... the missing words... One more thing that's good about it: The spelling. I have yet to find a single spelling error, and that's pretty good. Every other story I've read has a spelling error every couple sentences, besides LoS(because someone went through and fixed it). I would offer to help you, except that I'm working on two stories, and trying to help someone else out, while balancing that with school(homework+stress=school), personal life, and finding time to do whatever-the-heck-I-want. So yeah.
Oh and by the way, I think this story would be a few magnitudes better(not that it's bad, just that it could be better, like all things) if you were to add in more detailed descriptions of what was happening. Like instead of saying:
"It was raining."
say:
"Water fell from the sky, and the smell of clean air filled my lungs, the sound of pouring rain like the purr of a cat filled my ears, and the gusts of wind blowing through the rain, and causing it to turn to a spray of water as thick as the clouds on a stormy day, yet as thin as the rays of sunlight in a cave, caressed my eyes."
I'll be using something like the above in my story, but feel free to copy it if you're okay with our stories being similar.
But yeah. The difference is that in the first quote I just said what was happening, whereas in the second quote I described the details.
So yeah, happy writing, and I hope I didn't offend you.
Thank you for your honesty. I will heed your advice. It's just the style of writing here. I'll see what I can do about it. Especially in the next chapters. Thanks again! For really specific and, whatnot, criticism. It helps.
The Meaning of Life, the Universe, and Everything.
Join Date:
8/6/2012
Posts:
247
Location:
Behind.... a screen...
Minecraft:
Synaxin
Member Details
Very nice chapter, and probably the first spell Shatryin learned was changing one thing into different shapes (A metal rod into a spear, a stick into and arrow, etc.) Just FYI.
TT2000, you are genius.
Name: (first and last name requested) Shatryin Opierion
Age:24
Gender: Male
Race: (human or enderman) Human, although he knows magic.
Bio: When Shatryin started traveling, looking for a good place to call home, he sometimes went into a bar to hear the local gossip, and that's when it changed, when he went into a seaside bar, he walked in, ordered a drink, and payed, that's when a big brute came in, and decided to steal his drink, which he challenged him into a fight, after he was insulted by him many times, all Shatryin brought weapon wise was a dagger, but it was enough, the big brute accepted, and Shatryin lead him outside, and they fought, the brute had a club, and he only had a dagger and his mobility against him, one hit and Shatryin would be dead, but, each time the brute tried to hit him he dodged, until he was backed into a corner, nowhere to dodge, and that's when he did the impossible: He aimed his dagger at the handle of the mace, cutting the pure steel with the blade, then grabbed the brute's leg, tripping him, then following with an upwards kick which launched him up, Shatryin then grabbed the broken handle and swung it upwards into the brute, he then banged it into the ground and it seemed to form a sharp tip, and he jabbed it into the brute who was still in the air, then he threw the metal rod into the ground, making it bounce off of it, and in a split second he had jumped off of it and cut at the brute's waist, cutting him in two and winning the fight, that's when he looked at the rod and saw it sparking, as if it contained some magic, but surely magic couldn't stay in an object for long without someone with magic holding it, and that's when he knew he had discovered magic.
Appearance: (a picture or well described description) Slightly tan skin, not very muscular, but pretty strong, wears casual clothes most of the time and wears high quality shoes, his eyes are silver, he has a relatively small nose and ears, and has a small scar across his left cheek in the shape of a crescent.
Personality: Not easily angered, doesn't like to back down, and if someone bigger than him challenges him he gladly lets them know that they have a very low chance of winning, he enjoys rain so long as it isn't pouring too hard, and does help friends if they need it, he is pretty brave and protects the weak from the strong, unless they are very evil, which then he doesn't care.
Good or Evil? (please no neutral) Good
Other: Extremely agile and mobile, has no problem fighting against ten people at the same time. His only weapon is a dagger which has been infused with magic, and thus allows him to cast some spells or whatever you call them in this book.
P.S. If Void is about to end then I would like him to be in the next book, if it has magic and you're going to accept characters, however if Void is not about to end then just stick him in there if he's accepted.
*Insert signature here*
1. He is accepted! One thing though, the description tells how he learned he had magic. If it is fine with you, I'll add more to his description in the story.
2. Void is not about to end. I make the chapters short, so the story will have a lot of chapters. How many I'm not sure. More than 25, if the story goes well.
3. Expect him to start appearing in Chapter 11 to 12. It's summer for me, late at night, I'm active a lot at night. This time, for your timezone. Well, I'm supposed to be at bed, which I am, but writing and reading helps me sleep.
*Insert signature here*
*Insert signature here*
And as always, good work.
TT2000, you are genius.
Oh and by the way, I think this story would be a few magnitudes better(not that it's bad, just that it could be better, like all things) if you were to add in more detailed descriptions of what was happening. Like instead of saying:
"It was raining."
say:
"Water fell from the sky, and the smell of clean air filled my lungs, the sound of pouring rain like the purr of a cat filled my ears, and the gusts of wind blowing through the rain, and causing it to turn to a spray of water as thick as the clouds on a stormy day, yet as thin as the rays of sunlight in a cave, caressed my eyes."
So yeah, happy writing, and I hope I didn't offend you.
*Insert signature here*