I woke up in my usual dark black bed in the room of my mom. My side of the room was decorated with bats and Marshall Lee from Adventure Time. On my bedside table was my lamp and a graphic novel (though I usually read plain novels, I wanted a difference) named “Pandemonium”. I got up and walked to the mirror. As usual, my hair was short and tangled. I was wearing bat pajamas and a black shirt. Wait! How rude of myself! My name is Felix Holbrooke. I live in the in Greenhills East village.
I walked down the spiral staircase. From here, I could smell the bacon, sausages, and eggs, the usual summer day. But, something was different. I felt, uneasy. The dream I had was too disturbing…. As I eat breakfast, I recalled what happened….
***
A room filled with light sat a king in long, golden robes. His hair was white and up to his shoulders. His throne was made of wood with vines growing through it. The king held a green tinged diamond sword. “Servant!” He called out. An orb of light came floating to him. “Get the boy, please.” He said. He seemed nice. Too nice. This room seemed to try to show off its goodness, like a student being good only for rewards. As I thought this, the scene flickered. The robes of the king turned ink black and his hair became longer and black, the light servant turned into a floating skull. The room was dark and tinged red. The scene turned back to the sunshine filled room.
***
I dressed up for my play date with my friend. I wore a black jacket and a blood red shirt that matched my eyes, along with blue jeans.
I just put my hand on the door, when I heard a knock on the door. I felt nervous unlocking it. Mom wasn’t here. But, I had to be polite. I unlocked the door, and a man came into sight. “Hello. I understand you have a play date, but I have more pressing matters for you, Felix.” He said. “How do you know my name?” I asked.
“Please.” The man said.
The word washed over me, like a wave bringing me into the ocean. Looking back on it, I should’ve known it was the power Deception. But I wasn’t aware of my arms moving forward. I took the hands of the man, and I felt an immediate sensation of being sucked. My lungs expanded, my body stretched, and all I could remember was the urge to scream and the feeling of regret, and… strange excitement.
***
I woke up in a light filled room. Am I dreaming again? I thought. But this felt real. “Holbrooke, get up, please.” Said the voice of the man who brought me here. I did better. I sprung up. “You! Why did, what, how….” I faltered. This place was filled with light, just like in my dream. I looked to my right. The same king from my dream smiled at me. “Calm down.” He said. Again, the feeling washed over me. Pulling me. Tempting me. Still, I obeyed. I sat down.
“The Nether has stolen the Orb of Aether. You need to retrieve it.” The king said. A dozen things ran through my mind. Aether? I only heard that name from the old myths. Why me? “My lord.” I said. “Why me? I’m just a little Minecraft village boy.” Again the king smiled. “Big things start out little.” He said. I figured that was the best answer I would get, so I moved on to my next question. “How will my mom know? She’ll worry.”
“She will be contacted.”
I nodded. “Sir, where will I start my search?” I asked. “First of all, you must agree to this quest. Simply say ‘I agree’, and you will be transported to your starting point.” The king said.
I thought for a while. I could prove myself worthy. But, why did I went to please this king so much? He was so kind. That was it….
“I agree.” I said, as if the words were being pulled out of my mouth. The king waved his hand, and a doorway of black light appeared. “Your quest starts at the cave of Black Treasure. It’s dangerous, if I may warn you. There will be mobs, creepers, zombies, etc. You will need this.” The king drew his diamond sword, and handed it to me. I felt so honored to be holding such a weapon. The surface was cool, smooth, and deadly sharp.
“Goodbye, for now….” I said
“Good luck.” The king said. “You’ll need it.”
Before I could lose my courage, I stepped in the doorway.
***
I was in a black crystal cave. The roof was as high as a skyscraper. I was happy for the glow of the black crystals and diamonds. I didn’t have much time to process this, because I heard a snapping behind me. I turned just in time for a window sized spider to leap at me. Trusting my instincts, I rolled out of the way. The spot where I was now a small crater. I swung my sword down at the creature, but just as the blade was about to hit the mob, it swerved. I tried again and again. The same thing happened. The spider eyed me. I threw away the now useless sword, and the spider leaped at me.
Time seemed to slow down. I raised my hands. The spider slowly descended towards me. All I could think about were my friends, my mom, all my life left to live. Then, the weirdest thing happened. Red outlined black orbs circled my hands, and Black and red lightning erupted out of it. The spider fell, steaming. I looked at my hands, where the orbs just faded.
Right now, the orbs were the least of my problems. I saw green, rotting flesh coming out of the dark. White, skeletal feet walking to me. Green patterned skin and four animal-like feet scuttled forward. More and more spiders came. I activated my orbs again. Just as I was about to fire, the zombies and skeletons were hitting the creepers and spiders. I was confused. Why would they attack their fellow mobs? I thought. A zombie looked at me as id to say: Well? Run! I realized they were trying to buy me some time. I saw zombies and skeletons fighting their hardest for me, even if they just met me. I couldn’t leave them here to get overkilled, as they were already killed once. I stepped forward, and shot a few bolts of black lightning. Spider: BOOM! Just got a blasted hole in the middle of its chest. Creeper: ZAP! Lightning ran through its body, paralyzing it.
Some zombies started retreating. I decided to follow them. I had to find a less tiring weapon. I couldn’t keep this up forever. I ran and tripped on a dark stone. My foot was stuck in a hole. I kept trying to pull myself out, when I saw something in front of me.
A sword hilt stuck out of the ground. It was wrapped in red leather, and amazingly untouched, as if it had a magical barrier. I reached hand out to grasp the hilt, and felt as though my hand was put in water. I realized it did have a magical barrier. Why was I able to get through it? I didn’t have time for that. I held the handle, and pulled out a sword.
The blade was wicked sharp. It was a well-balanced black diamond sword. I couldn’t admire its beauty right now. I heard a loud hissing behind me. I turned and swung my sword, but it was too late. The charged creeper imploded. Rocks and crystals flew everywhere. The wall of the cave was blown open, and I flew out. Before I became unconscious, I remembered going up instead of down. My last thought was: Am I going up into Heaven? Then I blacked out.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"The devil enters our mind when it's not guarded."
Hey Fang! How are you? Anyway, it is much more improved than the first version. But there is something about how you start the story that makes it not seem like a real beginning. Maybe you can check the stories in Minecraft Forums to get some inspiration or check the beginning lines of your favorite books. I started my book with It was misty outside. and I slightly explained it.
If you notice in books, the normal life of the character is usually played out and in the next chapter, he finds out blah blah blah or something like that. Like, my main character finds out his mission only in Chapter 3 after he does some investigating or stalking.
Is your character someone who is all, you know, leather jackets and jeans and motorcycle, you know. Like some kind of bad-ish guy or is he just a normal guy, how old is he? Because I saw the word playdate and if he is a teen or maybe even a tween, maybe it should be hanging out?
This is just my opinion, other than this, good job! I'll be waiting, I wanna know what happened to Felix after he blacked out.
I woke up in my usual dark black bed in the room of my mom. My side of the room was decorated with bats and Marshall Lee from Adventure Time. On my bedside table was my lamp and a graphic novel (though I usually read plain novels, I wanted a difference) named “Pandemonium”. I got up and walked to the mirror. As usual, my hair was short and tangled. I was wearing bat pajamas and a black shirt. Wait! How rude of myself! My name is Felix Holbrooke. I live in the in Greenhills East village.
I walked down the spiral staircase. From here, I could smell the bacon, sausages, and eggs, the usual summer day. But, something was different. I felt, uneasy. The dream I had was too disturbing…. As I eat breakfast, I recalled what happened….
I just put my hand on the door, when I heard a knock on the door. I felt nervous unlocking it. Mom wasn’t here. But, I had to be polite. I unlocked the door, and a man came into sight. “Hello. I understand you have a play date, but I have more pressing matters for you, Felix.” He said. “How do you know my name?” I asked.
“Please.” The man said.
The word washed over me, like a wave bringing me into the ocean. Looking back on it, I should’ve known it was the power Deception. But I wasn’t aware of my arms moving forward. I took the hands of the man, and I felt an immediate sensation of being sucked. My lungs expanded, my body stretched, and all I could remember was the urge to scream and the feeling of regret, and… strange excitement.
“The Nether has stolen the Orb of Aether. You need to retrieve it.” The king said. A dozen things ran through my mind. Aether? I only heard that name from the old myths. Why me? “My lord.” I said. “Why me? I’m just a little Minecraft village boy.” Again the king smiled. “Big things start out little.” He said. I figured that was the best answer I would get, so I moved on to my next question. “How will my mom know? She’ll worry.”
“She will be contacted.”
I nodded. “Sir, where will I start my search?” I asked. “First of all, you must agree to this quest. Simply say ‘I agree’, and you will be transported to your starting point.” The king said.
I thought for a while. I could prove myself worthy. But, why did I went to please this king so much? He was so kind. That was it….
“I agree.” I said, as if the words were being pulled out of my mouth. The king waved his hand, and a doorway of black light appeared. “Your quest starts at the cave of Black Treasure. It’s dangerous, if I may warn you. There will be mobs, creepers, zombies, etc. You will need this.” The king drew his diamond sword, and handed it to me. I felt so honored to be holding such a weapon. The surface was cool, smooth, and deadly sharp.
“Goodbye, for now….” I said
“Good luck.” The king said. “You’ll need it.”
Before I could lose my courage, I stepped in the doorway.
Time seemed to slow down. I raised my hands. The spider slowly descended towards me. All I could think about were my friends, my mom, all my life left to live. Then, the weirdest thing happened. Red outlined black orbs circled my hands, and Black and red lightning erupted out of it. The spider fell, steaming. I looked at my hands, where the orbs just faded.
Right now, the orbs were the least of my problems. I saw green, rotting flesh coming out of the dark. White, skeletal feet walking to me. Green patterned skin and four animal-like feet scuttled forward. More and more spiders came. I activated my orbs again. Just as I was about to fire, the zombies and skeletons were hitting the creepers and spiders. I was confused. Why would they attack their fellow mobs? I thought. A zombie looked at me as id to say: Well? Run! I realized they were trying to buy me some time. I saw zombies and skeletons fighting their hardest for me, even if they just met me. I couldn’t leave them here to get overkilled, as they were already killed once. I stepped forward, and shot a few bolts of black lightning. Spider: BOOM! Just got a blasted hole in the middle of its chest. Creeper: ZAP! Lightning ran through its body, paralyzing it.
Some zombies started retreating. I decided to follow them. I had to find a less tiring weapon. I couldn’t keep this up forever. I ran and tripped on a dark stone. My foot was stuck in a hole. I kept trying to pull myself out, when I saw something in front of me.
A sword hilt stuck out of the ground. It was wrapped in red leather, and amazingly untouched, as if it had a magical barrier. I reached hand out to grasp the hilt, and felt as though my hand was put in water. I realized it did have a magical barrier. Why was I able to get through it? I didn’t have time for that. I held the handle, and pulled out a sword.
The blade was wicked sharp. It was a well-balanced black diamond sword. I couldn’t admire its beauty right now. I heard a loud hissing behind me. I turned and swung my sword, but it was too late. The charged creeper imploded. Rocks and crystals flew everywhere. The wall of the cave was blown open, and I flew out. Before I became unconscious, I remembered going up instead of down. My last thought was: Am I going up into Heaven? Then I blacked out.
"The devil enters our mind when it's not guarded."
If you notice in books, the normal life of the character is usually played out and in the next chapter, he finds out blah blah blah or something like that. Like, my main character finds out his mission only in Chapter 3 after he does some investigating or stalking.
Is your character someone who is all, you know, leather jackets and jeans and motorcycle, you know. Like some kind of bad-ish guy or is he just a normal guy, how old is he? Because I saw the word playdate and if he is a teen or maybe even a tween, maybe it should be hanging out?
This is just my opinion, other than this, good job! I'll be waiting, I wanna know what happened to Felix after he blacked out.
Happy writing! OnceInALongTime