I liked chapter 7, by the way. Chapter 8 was... well, it was nicely written, but I must say that I utterly despise all that stuff about destiny. Which isn't to say that I didn't like chapter 8, which I did.
I liked chapter 7, by the way. Chapter 8 was... well, it was nicely written, but I must say that I utterly despise all that stuff about destiny. Which isn't to say that I didn't like chapter 8, which I did.
I'll be honest with you, that wasn't at all how that was supposed to go.
Originally there was some stuff about Lothas turning into a bird. It was originally going to be called "Consequences". And then I basically cut all of that out because I thought it was too silly to write. And then the chapter was only like half a page, and I couldn't even find a name for it. But I felt like I was obligated to post something.
I dom't know, I thought that bit was pretty cool. Personally I like destiny and fate and stuff, for me it just sort of adds to the epicness of the drama, so to speak.
Awesome chapter by the way. Loving it so far.
Thanks ! Well, I too somewhat like the destiny stuff, but maybe naming the chapter "Destiny" was a little overkill. I think I might want to keep that name in reserve. So I renamed the chapter but did my best to keep all the fate stuff. Hope it turned out okay. Also added some foreshadowing in the moon bit.
Chapter 10 is posted. This one isn't so much part of the story as a short myth. I've been reading The Lord of the Rings, and I think it might be rubbing off.
If you like the story, or want to post some constructive criticism, please reply!
I just finished reading Chapter 10. I really like your story! It has very vivid descriptions, and it's fun to learn about the world that the story takes place in in detail.
I just finished reading Chapter 10. I really like your story! It has very vivid descriptions, and it's fun to learn about the world that the story takes place in in detail.
Awesome chapter! I have to admit, I am a huge Lotr fan (the books and films are both genius).
Anyway, I love reading myths and stories in stories, so this was really cool! Can't wait for the next bit .
Thanks for replying, to both of you.
@asanetargoss As for the descriptions, I focused a lot on describing the world in the story, so it would be easy to imagine for readers. I feel like good detail is an important part of a story.
@Immortus Yeah, I'll admit even before I started reading the books it was a huge inspiration for a story. The whole idea of the "Eye of Herobrine" was mostly from that. And also partly because the Eye of Sauron was so cool in the movies.
@Immortus Yeah, I'll admit even before I started reading the books it was a huge inspiration for a story. The whole idea of the "Eye of Herobrine" was mostly from that. And also partly because the Eye of Sauron was so cool in the movies.
Oh gosh... that reminds me of how much an Eye of Ender looks like that eye from the Lord of the Rings movies. Spitting image!
Oh gosh... that reminds me of how much an Eye of Ender looks like that eye from the Lord of the Rings movies. Spitting image!
You know, now that i think about it, it does!
Anyway, Lord of the Rings aside, Chapter 11 is posted.
Edit: Apparently this is my 42nd post. I wish I could make a witty Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy reference, but its been so long since I read it I've forgotten most of the jokes. Um . . . Babel Fish!
Posted Chapter 12. Not really a story chapter, again. This one was mostly to introduce you to three of the five other members of the Company of the Chosen. And yes, I said five, not four.
If you like the story or have any criticism, please post!
Edit: I've taken another look at Chapter 12, and I think it could be done better. So I'm taking it down and reposting it after I've improved it.
Again, if you like the story or have any criticism to offer me, please post!
Hm. I liked chapter 12. It was pretty good, nicely written for a chapter with no action. Haha, I just said that because I'm writing an action-packed chapter right now, and chapter 12 seemed like, well, like a kind of slow chapter compared with what I'm writing. Anyway, nicely done, I liked it yet again.
There is something that I have noticed and only now am bringing up. One example paragraph is the first one in chapter 12:
And I quote,
Will woke up early the next morning. He dressed hurriedly. He was filled with anticipation and excitement at the events to come. He wasn’t entirely sure what he would take on the journey. The Order had left him a small satchel to store his things, which he had just now noticed.
Notice that you have 3 sentences that all start with 'he'. That gets kind of old. Try reading this paragraph and you'll know what I mean:
And I quote, I stood up and tore down my hut to use the wood for tools. I took some of the wood and set it on the ground to make a table. I used a stone to hammer the wood together, and stood the table up. It wasn’t too sturdy, but it would work for a carving table. I grabbed the stone again and set a piece of wood on the table, setting to work making a pickaxe first. I carved out the handle, then the head.
The above is a quote directly from my story. Look at it! I mean really! It seems more like a list of things he did rather than a description. There is only one sentence that starts with something other than 'I'. Now try this revision of it:
And I quote,
I stood up and tore down my hut to use the wood for tools, taking some of the wood and setting it on the ground to make a table. Using a stone to hammer the wood together, I stood the table up, though it wasn't too sturdy. Then I grabbed the stone again, setting a piece of wood on the table, and made my first pickaxe, carving out the handle, and then the head.
So in essence what I'm trying to say, is that you should at least try to use different beginnings for each new sentence. I know it may be hard, because it was for me at first, and still is somewhat hard, but it will pay off in helping you think up the correct word to use.
Hm. I liked chapter 12. It was pretty good, nicely written for a chapter with no action. Haha, I just said that because I'm writing an action-packed chapter right now, and chapter 12 seemed like, well, like a kind of slow chapter compared with what I'm writing. Anyway, nicely done, I liked it yet again.
There is something that I have noticed and only now am bringing up. One example paragraph is the first one in chapter 12:
And I quote,
Will woke up early the next morning. He dressed hurriedly. He was filled with anticipation and excitement at the events to come. He wasn’t entirely sure what he would take on the journey. The Order had left him a small satchel to store his things, which he had just now noticed.
Notice that you have 3 sentences that all start with 'he'. That gets kind of old. Try reading this paragraph and you'll know what I mean:
And I quote, I stood up and tore down my hut to use the wood for tools. I took some of the wood and set it on the ground to make a table. I used a stone to hammer the wood together, and stood the table up. It wasn’t too sturdy, but it would work for a carving table. I grabbed the stone again and set a piece of wood on the table, setting to work making a pickaxe first. I carved out the handle, then the head.
The above is a quote directly from my story. Look at it! I mean really! It seems more like a list of things he did rather than a description. There is only one sentence that starts with something other than 'I'. Now try this revision of it:
And I quote,
I stood up and tore down my hut to use the wood for tools, taking some of the wood and setting it on the ground to make a table. Using a stone to hammer the wood together, I stood the table up, though it wasn't too sturdy. Then I grabbed the stone again, setting a piece of wood on the table, and made my first pickaxe, carving out the handle, and then the head.
So in essence what I'm trying to say, is that you should at least try to use different beginnings for each new sentence. I know it may be hard, because it was for me at first, and still is somewhat hard, but it will pay off in helping you think up the correct word to use.
Thanks for replying. Yeah, I try to vary sentence beginnings as much as I can, but sometimes I'm just lazy. I fixed that and hopefully I'll be more careful in the future.
As for the chapter, yeah, Chapter 12 isn't really supposed to have a lot of action in it. Its mainly for introducing Will's companions on his journey. There will be some more action later.
Also changed my subtitle for what is probably the last time. Its just a dream at this point, but maybe there will be a sequel . . .
Thanks for replying. Yeah, I try to vary sentence beginnings as much as I can, but sometimes I'm just lazy. I fixed that and hopefully I'll be more careful in the future.
As for the chapter, yeah, Chapter 12 isn't really supposed to have a lot of action in it. Its mainly for introducing Will's companions on his journey. There will be some more action later.
Also changed my subtitle for what is probably the last time. Its just a dream at this point, but maybe there will be a sequel . . .
I missed yur stori and im sorri :D:D me like looky at yur stori to sey im sori :):):):D
lapped
I laik dis word. u gooder dan me? or u have gooder dik-cho-nary?
Meh, that kind of speak is brain-pounding. Anyway, after giving an honest skimpeek analysis of your work, I will add it to Minefic. Thank you for applying. Twice.
I missed yur stori and im sorri me like looky at yur stori to sey im sori
I laik dis word. u gooder dan me? or u have gooder dik-cho-nary?
Meh, that kind of speak is brain-pounding. Anyway, after giving an honest skimpeek analysis of your work, I will add it to Minefic. Thank you for applying. Twice.
Thanks! Its no problem, really. My first application was before I came up with the current title, so maybe its a good thing. Anyway, it means a lot that my story is on Minefic and more people can see it.
Also, yes, I like using obscure words like "lapped". Thank the heavens for the invention of the dictionary!
Chapter 13 is posted. This one is somewhat darker than the previous ones, but is important for setting the stage for some of Will's later struggles with Herobrine.
As always, if you liked the story or wanted to offer some constructive criticism, please post!
Chapter 13 is posted. This one is somewhat darker than the previous ones, but is important for setting the stage for some of Will's later struggles with Herobrine.
As always, if you liked the story or wanted to offer some constructive criticism, please post!
I liked it, actually. However, some of the dialogue is almost identical to some things that are said in LotR(Lord of the Rings), so I suggest you change it. (Unless it was your intention to have it be like that?)
I liked it, actually. However, some of the dialogue is almost identical to some things that are said in LotR(Lord of the Rings), so I suggest you change it. (Unless it was your intention to have it be like that?)
Yes, I was doing that purposely. I had some ideas earlier of maybe turning this into a Lord of the Rings-based story. However I think that's better left as its own story, and ultimately I decided to keep this one as it is.
My intention here isn't to plagiarize the Lord of the Rings, believe me. That's more or less all that I'm taking from it. I'll take out some of the more Lord of the Rings-esque lines.
Which is for the best, really, since I barely remember the Lord of the Rings dialogue anyway.
Posted Chapter 14. Finally had to move on to another post to continue the story! Also introduced Drake, who will play a very important role later in the story.
As always, if you liked the story or wanted to give me some constructive criticism, please post!
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I liked chapter 7, by the way. Chapter 8 was... well, it was nicely written, but I must say that I utterly despise all that stuff about destiny. Which isn't to say that I didn't like chapter 8, which I did.
I'll be honest with you, that wasn't at all how that was supposed to go.
Originally there was some stuff about Lothas turning into a bird. It was originally going to be called "Consequences". And then I basically cut all of that out because I thought it was too silly to write. And then the chapter was only like half a page, and I couldn't even find a name for it. But I felt like I was obligated to post something.
Thanks
Also, glad you like it so far.
If you like the story, or want to post some constructive criticism, please reply!
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Curse PremiumThanks for replying, to both of you.
@asanetargoss As for the descriptions, I focused a lot on describing the world in the story, so it would be easy to imagine for readers. I feel like good detail is an important part of a story.
@Immortus Yeah, I'll admit even before I started reading the books it was a huge inspiration for a story. The whole idea of the "Eye of Herobrine" was mostly from that. And also partly because the Eye of Sauron was so cool in the movies.
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Curse PremiumOh gosh... that reminds me of how much an Eye of Ender looks like that eye from the Lord of the Rings movies. Spitting image!
You know, now that i think about it, it does!
Anyway, Lord of the Rings aside, Chapter 11 is posted.
Edit: Apparently this is my 42nd post. I wish I could make a witty Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy reference, but its been so long since I read it I've forgotten most of the jokes. Um . . . Babel Fish!
If you like the story or have any criticism, please post!
Edit: I've taken another look at Chapter 12, and I think it could be done better. So I'm taking it down and reposting it after I've improved it.
Again, if you like the story or have any criticism to offer me, please post!
Hm. I liked chapter 12. It was pretty good, nicely written for a chapter with no action. Haha, I just said that because I'm writing an action-packed chapter right now, and chapter 12 seemed like, well, like a kind of slow chapter compared with what I'm writing. Anyway, nicely done, I liked it yet again.
There is something that I have noticed and only now am bringing up. One example paragraph is the first one in chapter 12:
And I quote,
Will woke up early the next morning. He dressed hurriedly. He was filled with anticipation and excitement at the events to come. He wasn’t entirely sure what he would take on the journey. The Order had left him a small satchel to store his things, which he had just now noticed.
Notice that you have 3 sentences that all start with 'he'. That gets kind of old. Try reading this paragraph and you'll know what I mean:
And I quote,
I stood up and tore down my hut to use the wood for tools. I took some of the wood and set it on the ground to make a table. I used a stone to hammer the wood together, and stood the table up. It wasn’t too sturdy, but it would work for a carving table. I grabbed the stone again and set a piece of wood on the table, setting to work making a pickaxe first. I carved out the handle, then the head.
The above is a quote directly from my story. Look at it! I mean really! It seems more like a list of things he did rather than a description. There is only one sentence that starts with something other than 'I'. Now try this revision of it:
And I quote,
I stood up and tore down my hut to use the wood for tools, taking some of the wood and setting it on the ground to make a table. Using a stone to hammer the wood together, I stood the table up, though it wasn't too sturdy. Then I grabbed the stone again, setting a piece of wood on the table, and made my first pickaxe, carving out the handle, and then the head.
So in essence what I'm trying to say, is that you should at least try to use different beginnings for each new sentence. I know it may be hard, because it was for me at first, and still is somewhat hard, but it will pay off in helping you think up the correct word to use.
Thanks for replying.
As for the chapter, yeah, Chapter 12 isn't really supposed to have a lot of action in it. Its mainly for introducing Will's companions on his journey. There will be some more action later.
Also changed my subtitle for what is probably the last time. Its just a dream at this point, but maybe there will be a sequel . . .
Yes, sequel. Good idea!
I laik dis word. u gooder dan me? or u have gooder dik-cho-nary?
Meh, that kind of speak is brain-pounding. Anyway, after giving an honest
skimpeekanalysis of your work, I will add it to Minefic. Thank you for applying. Twice.Thanks! Its no problem, really. My first application was before I came up with the current title, so maybe its a good thing. Anyway, it means a lot that my story is on Minefic and more people can see it.
Also, yes, I like using obscure words like "lapped". Thank the heavens for the invention of the dictionary!
As always, if you liked the story or wanted to offer some constructive criticism, please post!
I liked it, actually. However, some of the dialogue is almost identical to some things that are said in LotR(Lord of the Rings), so I suggest you change it. (Unless it was your intention to have it be like that?)
Yes, I was doing that purposely. I had some ideas earlier of maybe turning this into a Lord of the Rings-based story. However I think that's better left as its own story, and ultimately I decided to keep this one as it is.
My intention here isn't to plagiarize the Lord of the Rings, believe me. That's more or less all that I'm taking from it. I'll take out some of the more Lord of the Rings-esque lines.
Which is for the best, really, since I barely remember the Lord of the Rings dialogue anyway.
As always, if you liked the story or wanted to give me some constructive criticism, please post!