I'm typing a story called "The Life of an Enderman". It is a story told from an enderman's point of view. Here is part of chapter 3:
I lashed out and screamed. I bit his arm, and he screamed, blood dripped from my fangs. He jumped up and attempted to flee. I wouldn't let him run away. I grabbed his shirt beat him until he was unconcious. I bit his torso and threw his lifeless body on the ground with enough force to drain any remaining life out of him. I came back to my senses and stared in utter terror at his body. I had just killed someone, who I didn't even know, and for no logical reason. I ran away as quickly as possible, disgusted with myself...
I need some feedback on that part. Do you think it is good? Would you continue reading? Is it interesting to you?
I definitly would continue because 1) It is about Endermen 2) It is written very good, except some repeated words, add some synonyms and its almost perfect.
" bit his torso and threw his lifeless body on the ground with enough force to drain any remaining life out of him."
Not much sense beating the life out of a senseless body, eh? Anyway, here's the rest of my feedback. Small, simple things, mostly. It's a rather good piece overall.
I lashed out and screamed. (Maybe insert something about what's triggering the response-is he lashing out in animalistic fear? Is there some sort of Ender instinct taking over?) I bit his arm, and he howled in pain (don't say "screamed" twice) as his blood dripped from my fangs. In a burst of terror and adrenaline, he broke my grip("jumped up" sounds perky, and therefore out of place in a murder scene) and attempted to flee. I wouldn't let him run (get?) away (or escape? However you put it, it's a strong, frightening declaration. I like it!). I grabbed him by the shirt and (minor grammatical edits)beat him until he was unconscious. I tore at(don't say "bit" twice) his torso until I felt my teeth crunch into bone; when I sat back, panting with (fury/fear, whichever you feel is appropriate), I realized he was no longer breathing (one possible fix for the double-kill). I came back to my senses and stared in utterhorror at his body. I had just killed someone, a man I didn't even know, and for no logical reason. I fled from the mutilated corpse, (Sorry, I just don't like "ran away") disgusted with myself...
As I'm sure you'll note, nearly everything I toyed with or gave feedback on was stylistic. You can safely ignore all of it (except the double-kill and the two small grammar edits); I'm no professional writer, just a fellow Minecraft fan. Also, I don't give detailed feedback unless I think something's worth the effort, so take that as a compliment. It's a very solid start, and I would continue reading.
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Ask me about giant, Canadian, zombie-steampunk tyrannosaurus rexes.
I own one, and her name is Cuddlemuffins.
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I need some feedback on that part. Do you think it is good? Would you continue reading? Is it interesting to you?
I am ninja'd far too often.
" bit his torso and threw his lifeless body on the ground with enough force to drain any remaining life out of him."
Not much sense beating the life out of a senseless body, eh?
I lashed out and screamed. (Maybe insert something about what's triggering the response-is he lashing out in animalistic fear? Is there some sort of Ender instinct taking over?) I bit his arm, and he howled in pain (don't say "screamed" twice) as his blood dripped from my fangs. In a burst of terror and adrenaline, he broke my grip ("jumped up" sounds perky, and therefore out of place in a murder scene) and attempted to flee. I wouldn't let him run (get?) away (or escape? However you put it, it's a strong, frightening declaration. I like it!). I grabbed him by the shirt and (minor grammatical edits) beat him until he was unconscious. I tore at (don't say "bit" twice) his torso until I felt my teeth crunch into bone; when I sat back, panting with (fury/fear, whichever you feel is appropriate), I realized he was no longer breathing (one possible fix for the double-kill). I came back to my senses and stared in
utterhorror at his body. I had just killed someone, a man I didn't even know,andfor no logical reason. I fled from the mutilated corpse, (Sorry, I just don't like "ran away") disgusted with myself...As I'm sure you'll note, nearly everything I toyed with or gave feedback on was stylistic. You can safely ignore all of it (except the double-kill and the two small grammar edits); I'm no professional writer, just a fellow Minecraft fan. Also, I don't give detailed feedback unless I think something's worth the effort, so take that as a compliment. It's a very solid start, and I would continue reading.
I own one, and her name is Cuddlemuffins.