Hello. Earlier, I was on the forums playing some music in the background to keep me awake (11:45 PM), when I decided to write the story that had been in my head ever since I read "Those Forsaken in Stone" by KrifinZ. So, five-hundred and forty six words, and about half and hour later, here we are. This, by the way; is supposed to be a perversion of the end credits, so read those first.
Let me tell you a story. Once there was a miner. He mined and chopped trees in his seemingly infinite and flat world. Every night he hid from the green monsters, and the skeletons, the spiders, and the eerily familiar undead that knocked on his door. In the day, he ventured out, explored, collected his wheat, and mined. He mined and mined and mined, searching for ever more materials. He explored mineshafts, left by those miners before him, and he walked the bottoms of ravines. He constantly searched, out of an overpowering need to be even richer in his empty world. He went through portals of purple obsidian, and explored the hellish world beyond. He mined glowstone and netherrack; fought the moaning souls that assaulted him. He fought blazes in fortresses of red bricks. He returned to the surface, and mined more, ever searching for more of his lifeblood, diamonds. He made swords to fight back against the monsters, and he built magnificent castles.
But it was all in vain. His buildings were doomed. Every once in a while, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a familiar, yet strange; face. One day, he discovered that he could combine the powder from the fiery creatures beyond his portal, with the pearls collected from the tall, black creatures that teleported around, picking up blocks, and attacked when he looked at them. He threw these, and they pointed in a line towards a point off in the distance. When he got there, there was nothing of interest, so he did what he did best: mine. Eventually, near the black, unbreakable stone that bounded his downward horizons; he found a huge structure, infested with small, maggot-like creatures. He found a portal which seemed to accept the Eyes he had created. When he lined the edge of the portal, a black rift, bounded by the frame; appeared. He accidentally fell from the edge. He expected to fall in to the lava below, but instead, he found himself on an island of white stone, floating in a black void. Flying around was a giant dragon. Whenever he attacked it, it healed from runes atop giant black towers. He destroyed them, then killed the dragon. Below where it died, there was another rift. He went through, and found himself next to his bed.
He soon realized that there was not anything else to do. He went to the white island, but nothing else happened. More and more, he saw a face, similar to his own, but with empty eyes; out of the corner of his vision. He finally accepted that his life was hopeless. He fell into a downward spiral, staying in his obsidian house for days on end. This was the end for him. He never came out of that house, as the world fell around him. His buildings fell apart, but he never died, sustained by the steady flow of food from his farms. So, Stephen, build your empire of dirt. I am here, in the back of your mind; waiting for it to crash down with the world around it. I will come and take your mind as retribution for the world you will destroy. I am the ultimate fate for you.
So, tell me how it was. This is my first real story, so I want to see whether I suck at writing or not.
Nice. Seriously. I wish I had your writing style. Care to check out my story? It should be on the front page in Fan Art, because I constantly update it. It's called '[Looking for Co-Author] InFinity: A world of which is hidden.'
EDIT: Why isn't anyone replying? I'm going to make a siggy right now for it. Help promote this story.
EDIT 2: Here's a picture, I'm going to make THIS into a siggy.
It was really good! You clearly established a sense of weary fear. Let me point out some things that I thought could use improvement; here is some 'constructive abuse:'
At the end, you let out the idea that the person telling the story was Lord H, or at least that's what I picked up. Let me suggest that instead of putting that idea out as a conclusion and a conclusion only, that you subtly hint at it throughout the story, giving a sense of hidden danger. Yes, you did mention Herobrine before the conclusion, but I don't think it was quite enough, and it didn't seem like a very big problem.
Also, I liked the way you took Steve's perspective and called creepers "green monsters" and I think you should be more consistent with that. For instance, you could call blazes "fire demons" or something, but keep it simple, because even Steve knows what a skeleton is. The way you did that gave a sense of vagueness, like not knowing what you're dealing with.
Again, you did very well already, and this is just me giving my advice, so take what you want out of it and leave the rest.
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cool sorry i dont wanna spam
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cool sorry i dont wanna spam
Let me tell you a story. Once there was a miner. He mined and chopped trees in his seemingly infinite and flat world. Every night he hid from the green monsters, and the skeletons, the spiders, and the eerily familiar undead that knocked on his door. In the day, he ventured out, explored, collected his wheat, and mined. He mined and mined and mined, searching for ever more materials. He explored mineshafts, left by those miners before him, and he walked the bottoms of ravines. He constantly searched, out of an overpowering need to be even richer in his empty world. He went through portals of purple obsidian, and explored the hellish world beyond. He mined glowstone and netherrack; fought the moaning souls that assaulted him. He fought blazes in fortresses of red bricks. He returned to the surface, and mined more, ever searching for more of his lifeblood, diamonds. He made swords to fight back against the monsters, and he built magnificent castles.
But it was all in vain. His buildings were doomed. Every once in a while, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a familiar, yet strange; face. One day, he discovered that he could combine the powder from the fiery creatures beyond his portal, with the pearls collected from the tall, black creatures that teleported around, picking up blocks, and attacked when he looked at them. He threw these, and they pointed in a line towards a point off in the distance. When he got there, there was nothing of interest, so he did what he did best: mine. Eventually, near the black, unbreakable stone that bounded his downward horizons; he found a huge structure, infested with small, maggot-like creatures. He found a portal which seemed to accept the Eyes he had created. When he lined the edge of the portal, a black rift, bounded by the frame; appeared. He accidentally fell from the edge. He expected to fall in to the lava below, but instead, he found himself on an island of white stone, floating in a black void. Flying around was a giant dragon. Whenever he attacked it, it healed from runes atop giant black towers. He destroyed them, then killed the dragon. Below where it died, there was another rift. He went through, and found himself next to his bed.
He soon realized that there was not anything else to do. He went to the white island, but nothing else happened. More and more, he saw a face, similar to his own, but with empty eyes; out of the corner of his vision. He finally accepted that his life was hopeless. He fell into a downward spiral, staying in his obsidian house for days on end. This was the end for him. He never came out of that house, as the world fell around him. His buildings fell apart, but he never died, sustained by the steady flow of food from his farms. So, Stephen, build your empire of dirt. I am here, in the back of your mind; waiting for it to crash down with the world around it. I will come and take your mind as retribution for the world you will destroy. I am the ultimate fate for you.
So, tell me how it was. This is my first real story, so I want to see whether I suck at writing or not.
EDIT: Why isn't anyone replying? I'm going to make a siggy right now for it. Help promote this story.
EDIT 2: Here's a picture, I'm going to make THIS into a siggy.
EDIT 3: Siggy is done!
If you want to put this in your signature;
Messed up on the above spoiler. Ignore please.
I SUPPORT THE TESTIFICATE LANGUAGE
I SUPPORT THE TESTIFICATE LANGUAGE
I SUPPORT THE TESTIFICATE LANGUAGE
At the end, you let out the idea that the person telling the story was Lord H, or at least that's what I picked up. Let me suggest that instead of putting that idea out as a conclusion and a conclusion only, that you subtly hint at it throughout the story, giving a sense of hidden danger. Yes, you did mention Herobrine before the conclusion, but I don't think it was quite enough, and it didn't seem like a very big problem.
Also, I liked the way you took Steve's perspective and called creepers "green monsters" and I think you should be more consistent with that. For instance, you could call blazes "fire demons" or something, but keep it simple, because even Steve knows what a skeleton is. The way you did that gave a sense of vagueness, like not knowing what you're dealing with.
Again, you did very well already, and this is just me giving my advice, so take what you want out of it and leave the rest.
ACHIVEMENT UNLOCKED!
Spam!
I SUPPORT THE TESTIFICATE LANGUAGE