Oh, and unless you add other things more Minecraft-ish, we wont question respawning. Im working on a nice little avatar that looks even funnier than my current one. You'll just have to wait and see.
Oh, and unless you add other things more Minecraft-ish, we wont question respawning. Im working on a nice little avatar that looks even funnier than my current one. You'll just have to wait and see.
Most of my stories take aspects of Minecraft but throw away the other. If I have time, I'll come up with a description of the worlds of all my stories. They are pretty much all different....in some way.
Again, you bring a fascinating idea for a story to the table. You method of framing the story, one that the characters obviously know better than the readers, is an excellent base to start with. However, again, you do seem to struggle in the execution of it. The tense you've chosen to write it in, that being a first-person present, is very demanding in terms of how you have to go about capturing your character's mentality for the readers. If you do not give enough detail from the character's eyes, they become difficult to believe and embrace. Too much, and you lose the significant details in a stream of irrelevancies. Also, the flow of it is often difficult to read believably. Though obviously you have to skip from one "scene" to another when writing a story spanning a great deal of time such as this, you cannot skip "frames" within these scenes. I'd rather not go into an inordinate amount of detail, so ask me if you don't know what I mean. Personally, when I am talking about a specific event (in a minecraft story or otherwise), I end up having to re-read what I have written several times in order to establish that I've made a continuous scene that won't sound jarring to a reader. Your readers do not have as clear of a vision of your story as what you have inside your own mind; they only know what you are telling them. Keep this in mind when trying to immerse your readers.
1.Again, you bring a fascinating idea for a story to the table.
2.You method of framing the story, one that the characters obviously know better than the readers, is an excellent base to start with.
3.The tense you've chosen to write it in is very demanding in how you have to go about capturing your character's mentality for the readers.
4.Also, the flow of it is often difficult to read believably. Though obviously you have to skip from one "scene" to another when writing a story spanning a great deal of time such as this, you cannot skip "frames" within these scenes.
5.Your readers do not have as clear of a vision of your story as what you have inside your own mind; they only know what you are telling them. Keep this in mind when trying to immerse your readers.
Holy crap. A serious critic. Well. I'll address the main points that I saw.
1,2: I do usually grasp onto an image and work from there. Thank you.
3: Mentality? How he thinks? Hm. I try to go more into the story, which was the background, before going onto other things. I don't think the reader really wants to know how Jake thinks before they know his past, which is kinda the opening and all.
4: Again, I am confused on exactly what event you specify. The transition between years? I see no problem with that. If stories came with fade outs like movies, I doubt it would be a problem at all. Hell, sometimes movies do exactly that in some sort of action, they have something smack into something and immediately transition to somewhere else.
5: Yes, I do try to describe things. I also try not to actually picture it in my mind. That may be either a blessing, or a curse. If you ask me some details in some scenes, I will not be able to tell you. Unfortunately, I, once again, focus on the story. I'll try to listen to this next time.
It's cause Ryan's pedobear talk! Blame him! I had planned for 1/2 them to be executed on the spot, 1/4 die from abuse, 1/4 to be killed by the mutant creepers. But yeah. D8
By backwards I meant illogical. Performing experiments (how ever wrong they may be), is logical. The court ruling against them because of sex, then making a large chunk of them sex slaves is illogical.
EDIT: I read your fix. It's fine now, well done :biggrin.gif:
You know something PopRocks? You are one cool guy.
lol, that's funny considering my minecraft username is ICE.
ice is cool get it lolololol
I like to give pointers to people, but I fear that I might come off a bit rude when I do it. More often then not, people mistake my criticism with hostility :/
Hope I don't come off as hostile, I'm really just trying to help!
Uh yeah. I am sorry. I had this image in my mind of an epic ending where Jake determines the fate of the empire with the press of a button...but seriously, how can you go from the Nether-ish environment to that?
Another option was to have his friends cling onto him and Jake fainting, waking up to find that it(Either the whole murder story, or the whole Nether story) was a dream.
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Oh, and unless you add other things more Minecraft-ish, we wont question respawning. Im working on a nice little avatar that looks even funnier than my current one. You'll just have to wait and see.
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Retired StaffMost of my stories take aspects of Minecraft but throw away the other. If I have time, I'll come up with a description of the worlds of all my stories. They are pretty much all different....in some way.
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Retired StaffBTW, I edited the ending to part 3. I didn't think you guys understood my meaning.
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Retired StaffHoly crap. A serious critic. Well. I'll address the main points that I saw.
1,2: I do usually grasp onto an image and work from there. Thank you.
3: Mentality? How he thinks? Hm. I try to go more into the story, which was the background, before going onto other things. I don't think the reader really wants to know how Jake thinks before they know his past, which is kinda the opening and all.
4: Again, I am confused on exactly what event you specify. The transition between years? I see no problem with that. If stories came with fade outs like movies, I doubt it would be a problem at all. Hell, sometimes movies do exactly that in some sort of action, they have something smack into something and immediately transition to somewhere else.
5: Yes, I do try to describe things. I also try not to actually picture it in my mind. That may be either a blessing, or a curse. If you ask me some details in some scenes, I will not be able to tell you. Unfortunately, I, once again, focus on the story. I'll try to listen to this next time.
Hahaha sorry for just vomiting a wall of text at you
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Retired StaffOn the bright side, another story is in progress!
Yes, I will finish this story. Eventually.
People are freaking out about children having sex, so they hold a trial and resolve to make the little girls sex slaves.
wut
Gimme
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Retired StaffOh and only the rich people get em. It's like....Think bribes and stuff.
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Retired StaffGimme
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Retired StaffFine. I'll replace it with...RUMORS. :biggrin.gif:
EDIT: I read your fix. It's fine now, well done :biggrin.gif:
Gimme
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Retired StaffAnyway, thanks. I decided just going with regular slaves was okay...in a story sense.
lol, that's funny considering my minecraft username is ICE.
ice is cool get it lolololol
I like to give pointers to people, but I fear that I might come off a bit rude when I do it. More often then not, people mistake my criticism with hostility :/
Hope I don't come off as hostile, I'm really just trying to help!
Gimme
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Retired StaffWell, thanks anyway. Your update was...Cool.............Lol.
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Retired StaffI ended this story.
The end isn't exactly the best, or any good, but I have this urge to finish up my stories. >_>
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG bump.
*Sigh* Sorry, but disapointment...
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Retired StaffUh yeah. I am sorry. I had this image in my mind of an epic ending where Jake determines the fate of the empire with the press of a button...but seriously, how can you go from the Nether-ish environment to that?
Another option was to have his friends cling onto him and Jake fainting, waking up to find that it(Either the whole murder story, or the whole Nether story) was a dream.