It's a recently started roleplay. We have about 6 or so people so far. Im not a leader, admin, or mod or anything, but I really like it. It's been a while since I forum roleplayed. I posted this not 5 minutes before I was accepted and then we began... But most of them are asleep D:
I like these, you definitely have a gear for thinking imaginatively. I think sometimes, though, during scenes where a lot of action is taking place, you kind of skimp on detail as you flow from one act to the next. As such, some of the scenes are kind of confusing in their continuity, more a collection of snapshots versus a flowing scene (like watching a film at like 10 fps versus 60 [not to imply I know anything about film])
I like these, you definitely have a gear for thinking imaginatively. I think sometimes, though, during scenes where a lot of action is taking place, you kind of skimp on detail as you flow from one act to the next. As such, some of the scenes are kind of confusing in their continuity, more a collection of snapshots versus a flowing scene (like watching a film at like 10 fps versus 60 [not to imply I know anything about film])
Please specify. I am interested on how I could improve. If you mean when Darien was attacked, I wanted to focus less on the fighting, and more on the whole thing that starts the ball rolling. If you mean the ending, well, I don't know how to make someone losing their sanity and soul any more detailed. I suppose I could have added something like he shoved his hand into the chest or something. I'm thinking more of those movies where it's from a recording person's perspective. Do you understand what I mean? Still, I would like to know exactly what you mean.
Blah, I’m too busy to go through the whole thing (today, though maybe some other time) so I’ll just take one excerpt to try and express my point.
Quote from Jesonomi »
There isn’t the sound of the arrow hitting a wall or the ground. It sunk its tip into my thigh. I let out a cry, refusing to die silently. The abomination walks closer, smiling at me with its eternal grin. The moonlight reflects off of the bones, making them seem to glow. I start to black out from the pain when something happens. Only parts are seen from my pain-induced state. An arrow ready to be released to end my life. An arrow in flight. The bow knocked to the ground. A dagger drawn but broken by a shining sword. And then the skeleton falls in front of me, still grinning that smile as it fades away.
Overall, a lot of very cool action happens in this scene. I particularly liked how you broke up what the narrator was able to see (arrow drawn, in flight, etc.). However, again, the paragraph reads a little bit rough when you are going through it. That is, some of the action is lost in the reader’s (or perhaps just my) mind because it is all lumped together. A side-effect, other than losing detail, is that it becomes difficult to believe that these events happen in sequence.
One thing that might help is breaking it up into little paragraphs, such as at the end of sentence 2, 7, and 11. Now, that’s more of a personal style that I use for things like that, but approach it however you like.
Additionally, you’re lacking detail in certain places. I’m not saying to get hung up on detail (I’m often guilty of that), but there are places where I think you need it. For example, “There isn’t the sound of the (I would use ‘an’) arrow a wall or the ground. It sunk its tip into my thigh.” You spoke of sound in the first sentence, why not describe the sound of the arrow hitting your thigh? Also, and this may just be me, the change of tense from the present in the first sentence to the past in the second is a little confusing. I know what you are talking about, but the confusion breaks up the action. Also, you say “it” sunk its tip into my thigh. What is “it”? Obviously, I know what you are talking about, and I’m sure a majority of literate individuals would as well, but it sounds a little off. This also creates an effect of detachment from your narration. Also, since you have given very involved details of the emotions of your character in the later parts of the novel, he seems to have a relatively bland reaction to being shot with an arrow: “I let out a cry” (incidentally, I love the “refusing to die silently” line in contrast with the shout, but the phrasing of it just sounds ‘off’)
I’d go into more detail but I am bogged down with homework. If you want, I could do a full editing job of one of your stories when I get more time. (I won’t try and put my own style into your writing, don’t worry) If not, or you simply don’t think my advice is either warranted or helpful, feel free to tell me to bug off without fear of hurting my feelings.
1.One thing that might help is breaking it up into little paragraphs, such as at the end of sentence 2, 7, and 11.
2.“There isn’t the sound of the (I would use ‘an’) arrow a wall or the ground. It sunk its tip into my thigh.” You spoke of sound in the first sentence, why not describe the sound of the arrow hitting your thigh?
Also, and this may just be me, the change of tense from the present in the first sentence to the past in the second is a little confusing.
3.I know what you are talking about, but the confusion breaks up the action. Also, you say “it” sunk its tip into my thigh. What is “it”? Obviously, I know what you are talking about, and I’m sure a majority of literate individuals would as well, but it sounds a little off. This also creates an effect of detachment from your narration.
4.Also, since you have given very involved details of the emotions of your character in the later parts of the novel, he seems to have a relatively bland reaction to being shot with an arrow: “I let out a cry” (incidentally, I love the “refusing to die silently” line in contrast with the shout, but the phrasing of it just sounds ‘off’)
5.If you want, I could do a full editing job of one of your stories when I get more time.
Sir, you may have made the single most giant posts I have ever seen, 3 times. Or something. I'm sure that doesn't make sense.
1. Hm, now that I think about it, that is a good idea. However, I think I'll keep all my stories original for...the sake of legitness? Not sure. I'll look out for "frame" scenes in the future.
2. Ah. That is a good point. I should have put the sound of it puncturing flesh. It would have fit in perfectly with an "instead". As for the past tense, I think it sounds a bit weird to have it not make a sound, and then puncture the flesh like...at the same time. When I think about it, if I had put in the sound of it sinking into the thigh, it would have fit perfectly.
3. I felt that putting "arrow" twice would sound weird. With the whole "an" , I feel as if it would be a smooth sentence...but I think I may have been thinking about that certain arrow. My brain works strangely at times. "There isn't the sound of an arrow hitting the ground. The arrow sunk it's tip into my thigh." Well, with "an" it sound very nice, but it seems to be very awkward with "the". So...yeah. You seem to connect everything together.
4. Well, if I remember correctly, I had "yell" first. Then I had "guttural cry" then I scrapped the "guttural" part in fear(?) that people would have to pause to think about the definition of that word. Looking back, I could have made a last stand thing or punching the ground.
5. If you did that, I would check on it EVERY single time I type a story from paper.
Blah, I should've gotten off the forum to do work a while ago. To answer 3, I'm not saying to use "arrow" twice. Changing up words in a continuous scene is a way to keep it fresh. You grasped this basic point, electing to use "it" instead of "arrow" in the second sentence. However, "it" is a very bland word. Almost anything, from "the jagged tip" to "agony" (removing "sunk its tip into" and replacing it with "tore through" [in reflection, that's a terrible example... blame it on sleep deprivation]) would work better.
More significantly, I would be happy to do you an editing job (if I interpreted your 5 correctly); however I would point out that I am only going to be able to work on one at a time, plus school is pretty crazy right now, so I’d probably take a long time to get around to it. I’ll send you my email in your private messages so you can give it to me in a Word document. Who knows, maybe you’d want to edit one of mine sometime? It helps to have a second pair of eyes, you know?
More significantly, I would be happy to do you an editing job (if I interpreted your 5 correctly); however I would point out that I am only going to be able to work on one at a time, plus school is pretty crazy right now, so I’d probably take a long time to get around to it. I’ll send you my email in your private messages so you can give it to me in a Word document. Who knows, maybe you’d want to edit one of mine sometime? It helps to have a second pair of eyes, you know?
One at a time? I thought you only meant this. O_O I think it'll be easier for both of us with just this. And I doubt I could help you in your story. It's detailed enough. We have pretty different writing styles.
Yay, I read another one of your stories!
Positives: Your writing style is very good. Great balance of detail and emotion, and I liked the shortish length. I dislike having to trudge through a billion pages to read a tale. A bit hypocritical of me, I know, but true nonetheless. (Funfact: Notch City was supposed to be about this long, but I just got carried away.)
And onto the negatives:
So Darian will respawn pretty far away, so what? It surely doesn't justify killing a crapload more people and potentially sending them far off away to their respective spawn points. And even then, what good does it do? And what if this TPZ person's spawn point is only like, five minutes away from where Bryan kills him? TPZ comes back and they have an awkward conversation together?
"Hey, you just kinda killed me. It hurt."
"Yeah, sorry, I just promised myself I'd kill you after you got Darian."
"Oh yeah, that."
"..."
"Why did you do that again?"
"Dunno."
That's another thing. Why is Darian killed? There needs to be some more motivation behind Bryan's crazy killpocalypse. He could've just as easily spent time searching for his newly respawned friend, instead of causing a billion meaningless deaths and losing his sanity along the way.
I liked the use of hero bryan, but that was about it. The main character gets a bit too obsessed over the death of his buddy. This would be okay, if you had tossed out the fact that people respawn. In fact, if you had done just that and taken away the respawning element, the story would've become a lot more meaningful and justified.
So Darian will respawn pretty far away, so what? It surely doesn't justify killing a crapload more people and potentially sending them far off away to their respective spawn points. And even then, what good does it do? And what if this TPZ person's spawn point is only like, five minutes away from where Bryan kills him? TPZ comes back and they have an awkward conversation together?
That's another thing. Why is Darian killed? There needs to be some more motivation behind Bryan's crazy killpocalypse. He could've just as easily spent time searching for his newly respawned friend, instead of causing a billion meaningless deaths and losing his sanity along the way.
I liked the use of hero bryan, but that was about it. The main character gets a bit too obsessed over the death of his buddy. This would be okay, if you had tossed out the fact that people respawn. In fact, if you had done just that and taken away the respawning element, the story would've become a lot more meaningful and justified.
Oh yeah...riiiiiiight. Um...You see...-RUNS AWAY-
Anyway, I kinda meant that Darien was traveling for MONTHS before meeting Bryan. So um...yeah. That's my excuse. D:<
Oh and Byran never met TPZ. Tormented Pigmen Zombies. I had this thing in my head where Darien was a sort of...famous...adventurer/bounty hunter. I didn't really know how to relay that since it's from Byran's perspective. Darien has conquered/vanquished many hostile mobs...supposedly. So the Zombie Pigmen were like NOES. GTFO.
And uh...yeah. Respawn should have been taken out, but this story is actually the most connected to Minecraft. I did take out respawn for my current story, thankfully.
Well anyway, Thanks! For the positives and negatives. I laughed at bit at the conversation. XD
Quote from Kengon »
I love you, and I love your avatar. I've scheduled a marriage for the 8th of April, and you'd best be there Sir Shark.
It's a recently started roleplay. We have about 6 or so people so far. Im not a leader, admin, or mod or anything, but I really like it. It's been a while since I forum roleplayed. I posted this not 5 minutes before I was accepted and then we began... But most of them are asleep D:
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Retired StaffPlease specify. I am interested on how I could improve. If you mean when Darien was attacked, I wanted to focus less on the fighting, and more on the whole thing that starts the ball rolling. If you mean the ending, well, I don't know how to make someone losing their sanity and soul any more detailed. I suppose I could have added something like he shoved his hand into the chest or something. I'm thinking more of those movies where it's from a recording person's perspective. Do you understand what I mean? Still, I would like to know exactly what you mean.
Overall, a lot of very cool action happens in this scene. I particularly liked how you broke up what the narrator was able to see (arrow drawn, in flight, etc.). However, again, the paragraph reads a little bit rough when you are going through it. That is, some of the action is lost in the reader’s (or perhaps just my) mind because it is all lumped together. A side-effect, other than losing detail, is that it becomes difficult to believe that these events happen in sequence.
One thing that might help is breaking it up into little paragraphs, such as at the end of sentence 2, 7, and 11. Now, that’s more of a personal style that I use for things like that, but approach it however you like.
Additionally, you’re lacking detail in certain places. I’m not saying to get hung up on detail (I’m often guilty of that), but there are places where I think you need it. For example, “There isn’t the sound of the (I would use ‘an’) arrow a wall or the ground. It sunk its tip into my thigh.” You spoke of sound in the first sentence, why not describe the sound of the arrow hitting your thigh? Also, and this may just be me, the change of tense from the present in the first sentence to the past in the second is a little confusing. I know what you are talking about, but the confusion breaks up the action. Also, you say “it” sunk its tip into my thigh. What is “it”? Obviously, I know what you are talking about, and I’m sure a majority of literate individuals would as well, but it sounds a little off. This also creates an effect of detachment from your narration. Also, since you have given very involved details of the emotions of your character in the later parts of the novel, he seems to have a relatively bland reaction to being shot with an arrow: “I let out a cry” (incidentally, I love the “refusing to die silently” line in contrast with the shout, but the phrasing of it just sounds ‘off’)
I’d go into more detail but I am bogged down with homework. If you want, I could do a full editing job of one of your stories when I get more time. (I won’t try and put my own style into your writing, don’t worry) If not, or you simply don’t think my advice is either warranted or helpful, feel free to tell me to bug off without fear of hurting my feelings.
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Retired StaffSir, you may have made the single most giant posts I have ever seen, 3 times. Or something. I'm sure that doesn't make sense.
1. Hm, now that I think about it, that is a good idea. However, I think I'll keep all my stories original for...the sake of legitness? Not sure. I'll look out for "frame" scenes in the future.
2. Ah. That is a good point. I should have put the sound of it puncturing flesh. It would have fit in perfectly with an "instead". As for the past tense, I think it sounds a bit weird to have it not make a sound, and then puncture the flesh like...at the same time. When I think about it, if I had put in the sound of it sinking into the thigh, it would have fit perfectly.
3. I felt that putting "arrow" twice would sound weird. With the whole "an" , I feel as if it would be a smooth sentence...but I think I may have been thinking about that certain arrow. My brain works strangely at times. "There isn't the sound of an arrow hitting the ground. The arrow sunk it's tip into my thigh." Well, with "an" it sound very nice, but it seems to be very awkward with "the". So...yeah. You seem to connect everything together.
4. Well, if I remember correctly, I had "yell" first. Then I had "guttural cry" then I scrapped the "guttural" part in fear(?) that people would have to pause to think about the definition of that word. Looking back, I could have made a last stand thing or punching the ground.
5. If you did that, I would check on it EVERY single time I type a story from paper.
More significantly, I would be happy to do you an editing job (if I interpreted your 5 correctly); however I would point out that I am only going to be able to work on one at a time, plus school is pretty crazy right now, so I’d probably take a long time to get around to it. I’ll send you my email in your private messages so you can give it to me in a Word document. Who knows, maybe you’d want to edit one of mine sometime? It helps to have a second pair of eyes, you know?
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Retired StaffOne at a time? I thought you only meant this. O_O I think it'll be easier for both of us with just this. And I doubt I could help you in your story. It's detailed enough. We have pretty different writing styles.
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Retired Staff-Someone nods in the background.-
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Retired StaffROTFLCOPTER I R HEROBRINE.
I've been Diamond Miner for a bit.
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Retired StaffAnd I'm seriously hitting a wall for Frostbite. I CAN'T MAKE IT LONG ENOUGH.
its the story of HERO BRYAN how is that related to herobrine ...
Ohh i see what you did thar
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Retired StaffYes you did. :biggrin.gif:
Positives: Your writing style is very good. Great balance of detail and emotion, and I liked the shortish length. I dislike having to trudge through a billion pages to read a tale. A bit hypocritical of me, I know, but true nonetheless. (Funfact: Notch City was supposed to be about this long, but I just got carried away.)
And onto the negatives:
So Darian will respawn pretty far away, so what? It surely doesn't justify killing a crapload more people and potentially sending them far off away to their respective spawn points. And even then, what good does it do? And what if this TPZ person's spawn point is only like, five minutes away from where Bryan kills him? TPZ comes back and they have an awkward conversation together?
"Hey, you just kinda killed me. It hurt."
"Yeah, sorry, I just promised myself I'd kill you after you got Darian."
"Oh yeah, that."
"..."
"Why did you do that again?"
"Dunno."
That's another thing. Why is Darian killed? There needs to be some more motivation behind Bryan's crazy killpocalypse. He could've just as easily spent time searching for his newly respawned friend, instead of causing a billion meaningless deaths and losing his sanity along the way.
I liked the use of hero bryan, but that was about it. The main character gets a bit too obsessed over the death of his buddy. This would be okay, if you had tossed out the fact that people respawn. In fact, if you had done just that and taken away the respawning element, the story would've become a lot more meaningful and justified.
Gimme
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Retired StaffOh yeah...riiiiiiight. Um...You see...-RUNS AWAY-
Anyway, I kinda meant that Darien was traveling for MONTHS before meeting Bryan. So um...yeah. That's my excuse. D:<
Oh and Byran never met TPZ. Tormented Pigmen Zombies. I had this thing in my head where Darien was a sort of...famous...adventurer/bounty hunter. I didn't really know how to relay that since it's from Byran's perspective. Darien has conquered/vanquished many hostile mobs...supposedly. So the Zombie Pigmen were like NOES. GTFO.
And uh...yeah. Respawn should have been taken out, but this story is actually the most connected to Minecraft. I did take out respawn for my current story, thankfully.
Well anyway, Thanks! For the positives and negatives. I laughed at bit at the conversation. XD
Sorry, I'm engaged with Philosorapter.