PLEASE keep it PG-13. If you want to post dirty jokes, go find another thread, or make one. Also, if it's offensive, put it in spoiler tags and detail how it's offensive.
Please post at least one joke if you read this thread.
Mine: A rabbi, a priest, a Canadian, a Polish man, a Republican, a Conservative, and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?!?"
EDIT:
About the rating:
Make it something you'd feel comfortable telling a parent.
If you simply MUST post something dirty, however, put it in spoiler tags.
If I told you something was dirty of offensive, please edit it with spoiler tags.
HALL OF FAME
MooningRobot:
Cigarettes are like squirrels. They're perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
A man caught a Goldy fish:
- Let me go, I will grant you any wish… Said fish
- Hm... Can you make the world peace?
- Hm... hm... Too many things and people involved... Maybe you have something more personal?
- Hm... Can you make my girlfriend pretty? Here is her picture...
- Oh.... how about your first wish? World peace?
also,NOT SURE IF U THINK THIS BAD SO......SPOILERS
- Knock Knock
- Who is that?
- My name starts with a C and ends with a T, I am hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid...
A man caught a Goldy fish:
- Let me go, I will grant you any wish… Said fish
- Hm... Can you make the world peace?
- Hm... hm... Too many things and people involved... Maybe you have something more personal?
- Hm... Can you make my girlfriend pretty? Here is her picture...
- Oh.... how about your first wish? World peace?
also,
- Knock Knock
- Who is that?
- My name starts with a C and ends with a T, I am hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid...
- Huh??!? who????
- Coconut...
lol
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Free + Crabs + Ability to trample/suffocate opponents in Cortex Command = Free Bombs.
My husband ran off with his secretary.My son pierced his eyebrow.My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.My dog killed the neighbours cat.My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution.My Mom told me I was adopted.My boss told me I was laid off.My sister was arrested for druken driving.My house has termites.My car was stolen.All that came in the mail was bills.A plane crash landed on my garage.OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today.
I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!
But please.... DON''T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!
A lady got on a bus with her baby, and the driver said "That's the ugliest baby I ever saw."
She sat down and started crying. The lady next to her said "What's wrong?" She said "The driver said something nasty to me."
The lady said, "You go up and demand an apology,,,here, I'LL HOLD YOUR MONKEY."
Usagi Sensei
This one's kinda touchy
A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back...?"
Three men walk into a cave, and hear a voice from the back.
"I'm coming to get you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The first man runs away.
They hear the voice again.
"I'm getting closer! And I'm going to eat you!"
The second man runs away.
The voice comes once more.
"I've nearly got you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The last man bravely walks on.
And at the very back of the cave, he finds a small boy picking his nose.
RASCIST
A guy walks into the bar and the white bartender says, we don't serve colored people .
The man replies, I don't understand why you white people call us colored because :
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
A man caught a Goldy fish:
- Let me go, I will grant you any wish… Said fish
- Hm... Can you make the world peace?
- Hm... hm... Too many things and people involved... Maybe you have something more personal?
- Hm... Can you make my girlfriend pretty? Here is her picture...
- Oh.... how about your first wish? World peace?
also,NOT SURE IF U THINK THIS BAD SO......SPOILERS
- Knock Knock
- Who is that?
- My name starts with a C and ends with a T, I am hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid...
- Huh??!? who????
- Coconut...
Rep:2
and lastly
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at thetop of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of hislungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"
Rep:2
lastly
Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me..
My husband ran off with his secretary.My son pierced his eyebrow.My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.My dog killed the neighbours cat.My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution.My Mom told me I was adopted.My boss told me I was laid off.My sister was arrested for druken driving.My house has termites.My car was stolen.All that came in the mail was bills.A plane crash landed on my garage.OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today.
I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!
But please.... DON''T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!
Rep:0
"I ALWAYS lie"
The line below is true
The line above is false
Epicness=MineCraft Squared
Rep:1
A lady got on a bus with her baby, and the driver said "That's the ugliest baby I ever saw."
She sat down and started crying. The lady next to her said "What's wrong?" She said "The driver said something nasty to me."
The lady said, "You go up and demand an apology,,,here, I'LL HOLD YOUR MONKEY."
Usagi Sensei
This one's kinda touchy
A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back...?"
Three men walk into a cave, and hear a voice from the back.
"I'm coming to get you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The first man runs away.
They hear the voice again.
"I'm getting closer! And I'm going to eat you!"
The second man runs away.
The voice comes once more.
"I've nearly got you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The last man bravely walks on.
And at the very back of the cave, he finds a small boy picking his nose.
RASCIST
A guy walks into the bar and the white bartender says, we don't serve colored people .
The man replies, I don't understand why you white people call us colored because :
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
Rep: 1
Total Rep:6
4 from OP :biggrin.gif:
Note: This is a compilation of my work into a single post you can vote on.
Made for your conveniance
Please post at least one joke if you read this thread.
Mine: A rabbi, a priest, a Canadian, a Polish man, a Republican, a Conservative, and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender says "Is this some kind of joke?!?"
EDIT:
About the rating:
Make it something you'd feel comfortable telling a parent.
If you simply MUST post something dirty, however, put it in spoiler tags.
If I told you something was dirty of offensive, please edit it with spoiler tags.
HALL OF FAME
MooningRobot:
Cigarettes are like squirrels. They're perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
<== dragon. click it
You say "I don't Know".
Why in hell does no one know what that means!?
Please quote with yhur feedback.
wanna see the joke? see below
wanna see the joke? see above
Free + Crabs + Ability to trample/suffocate opponents in Cortex Command = Free Bombs.
<== dragon. click it
- Let me go, I will grant you any wish… Said fish
- Hm... Can you make the world peace?
- Hm... hm... Too many things and people involved... Maybe you have something more personal?
- Hm... Can you make my girlfriend pretty? Here is her picture...
- Oh.... how about your first wish? World peace?
also,NOT SURE IF U THINK THIS BAD SO......SPOILERS
- Knock Knock
- Who is that?
- My name starts with a C and ends with a T, I am hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid...
- Huh??!? who????
- Coconut...
<== dragon. click it
(Warning: racism)
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at thetop of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of hislungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"
is is hasing twist
lol
Free + Crabs + Ability to trample/suffocate opponents in Cortex Command = Free Bombs.
Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me..
My husband ran off with his secretary.My son pierced his eyebrow.My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.My dog killed the neighbours cat.My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution.My Mom told me I was adopted.My boss told me I was laid off.My sister was arrested for druken driving.My house has termites.My car was stolen.All that came in the mail was bills.A plane crash landed on my garage.OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today.
I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!
But please.... DON''T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!
The line below is true
The line above is false
Epicness=MineCraft Squared
<== dragon. click it
Hit him in the face with an axe.
She sat down and started crying. The lady next to her said "What's wrong?" She said "The driver said something nasty to me."
The lady said, "You go up and demand an apology,,,here, I'LL HOLD YOUR MONKEY."
Usagi Sensei
This one's kinda touchy
A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back...?"
Three men walk into a cave, and hear a voice from the back.
"I'm coming to get you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The first man runs away.
They hear the voice again.
"I'm getting closer! And I'm going to eat you!"
The second man runs away.
The voice comes once more.
"I've nearly got you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The last man bravely walks on.
And at the very back of the cave, he finds a small boy picking his nose.
RASCIST
A guy walks into the bar and the white bartender says, we don't serve colored people .
The man replies, I don't understand why you white people call us colored because :
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
also, i no know how to put spoilers
Also, DARNIT xXDXNooblyXDXx GO THROUGH YOUR POSTS AND SPOILERTAG THE DIRTY ONES.
It's under "Other styles" next to "Fonts, if you don't know.
Or
[ s p o i l e r ] something [ / s p o i l e r ]
without spaces.
Example:
<== dragon. click it
<== dragon. click it
- Let me go, I will grant you any wish… Said fish
- Hm... Can you make the world peace?
- Hm... hm... Too many things and people involved... Maybe you have something more personal?
- Hm... Can you make my girlfriend pretty? Here is her picture...
- Oh.... how about your first wish? World peace?
also,NOT SURE IF U THINK THIS BAD SO......SPOILERS
- Knock Knock
- Who is that?
- My name starts with a C and ends with a T, I am hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid...
- Huh??!? who????
- Coconut...
and lastly
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at thetop of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of hislungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"
Rep:2
lastly
Dear God,
Yesterday was an awful day for me..
My husband ran off with his secretary.My son pierced his eyebrow.My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head.My dog killed the neighbours cat.My neighbour sold her house to a mental institution.My Mom told me I was adopted.My boss told me I was laid off.My sister was arrested for druken driving.My house has termites.My car was stolen.All that came in the mail was bills.A plane crash landed on my garage.OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner.And my TV blew.
Lord, please be with me today.
I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today!
But please.... DON''T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!
Rep:0
"I ALWAYS lie"
The line below is true
The line above is false
Epicness=MineCraft Squared
Rep:1
A lady got on a bus with her baby, and the driver said "That's the ugliest baby I ever saw."
She sat down and started crying. The lady next to her said "What's wrong?" She said "The driver said something nasty to me."
The lady said, "You go up and demand an apology,,,here, I'LL HOLD YOUR MONKEY."
Usagi Sensei
This one's kinda touchy
A 70 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room.
Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner.
A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, "Please, sir, may we have our teacher back...?"
Three men walk into a cave, and hear a voice from the back.
"I'm coming to get you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The first man runs away.
They hear the voice again.
"I'm getting closer! And I'm going to eat you!"
The second man runs away.
The voice comes once more.
"I've nearly got you! And I'm going to eat you!"
The last man bravely walks on.
And at the very back of the cave, he finds a small boy picking his nose.
RASCIST
A guy walks into the bar and the white bartender says, we don't serve colored people .
The man replies, I don't understand why you white people call us colored because :
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
Rep: 1
Total Rep:6
4 from OP :biggrin.gif:
Note: This is a compilation of my work into a single post you can vote on.
Made for your conveniance
Actually, one post/joke is better because that way it's easier to see votes on individual jokes.
<== dragon. click it