There are some 1.7 biomes that are still not back in the new biome system. But there is one, first seen 1 year ago, that is more important than all the others put together. It's more than just a biome, it's a combination of intense levels of awesomeness, the likes of which Minecraftians have only dreamed of once before. There are theories as to how this biome should operate, but it is time we revisit and expand upon them.
As the well-known graph indicated, the Pain Forest is most definitely in a max precipitation, max temperature environment. The best meteorological modelling indicates that the region will periodically experience an INSTANTANEOUS FLOOD of TIGER blood. Only the MANLIEST of men and WOMANLIEST of women (probably those from Australia) will be able to withstand the intense winicidity of the tiger blood rain, and only the DARKEST of sunglasses can protect their eyes from the BLINDINGLY bright sheen of that blood. Potentially, less-than-manly (or womanly) Mincraftians could utilize corrosion-resistant ENCHANGED ARMOR of WINNING XLII to shield themselves.
The intense heat and awesomeness will be too great for the weak stone structures that lesser men create, causing all stone creations to INSTANTLY MELT INTO LAVA. Even CACTI will be unable to brave the awesome heat, and instead, only the super-manly IRON-CACTI will find the willpower to grow in the Pain Forest and can only be harvested by a HYPER ENCHANTED OBSIDIAN AXE.
Also, any snow in the area will INSTANTLY EVAPORATE through processes only understood by SCIENTISTS and some THEOLOGIANS. Zombies in the area will have the skin boil away and only their SKELETONS will remain, and they'll shoot FLAMING ARROWS from their STERNUMS. Spiders in the area will inexplicably grow THRICE THEIR SIZE, and maybe shoot lava, FROM THEIR THORAX. Creepers will still explode as usual, but their suicide will also release a LAVA FOUNTAIN from their REMAINS. Skeletons will mostly remain the same, except that their arrows will now BURST INTO PLASMA since they're made of wood. Your own arrows will tend to do the same. I think we can agree that this is AWESOME.
Sheep will INSTANTLY BURST INTO FLAMES, despite the high non-flammability of their wool coats. Only the manliest of sheep will remain, those with coats of PURE ENDERMATTER. Except these Ender Sheep aren't DOCILE. Instead they will give up EVERYTHING in an attempt to KILL YOU. AND YOUR FRIENDS. They don't eat grass, they eat LAVA. These Sheep will shoot BABY FLAMING ENDERMEN from their EYES. Also they can glide do to INEXPLICABLE means.
Pigs will spawn FULLY COOKED and ANGRY. They will spleen at you and can jump FOURTEEN METERS into the SKY. They will also STARE at you disconcertingly from a DISTANCE with their eyes crossed and fire FLAMING BACON at you. This will probably make unmanly men feel DISCONCERTED. Manly men, however, will KICK THOSE PIGS' CURLY TAILS.
Cows can be milked for PLASMA, but only if you're man enough to get close to them, since they are now equipped with a MINIGUN. Their shot gun fires MOLTEN URANIUM. Cows are dangerous and on a mission of GLOBAL DETONATION.
There are no chickens in the Pain Forest. Instead, chickens will have evolved into flying ENDERDRAGONS. Dragons breath FIRE through processes described as SCIENCE and HERESY. These dragons are CRANKY, but are actually PRETTY COOL GUYS once you get to know them. But to get to know them, you have to SMOTHER them with MAGMA CREAM because they find it STRANGELY COMFORTING.
Abandoned mines in this region would be DEATH ZONES, filled with large amounts of TOXIC SLUDGE and MURDER. When torches run out, they MELT the room into LAVA. The caves are lined with pockets of SILVERFISHINIUM (as seen on TV). Inside the silverfishinum are smaller pockets of DIAMOND, but you can't get to them because you are not MANLY ENOUGH since you're not AUSTRALIAN, unless you are, in which case you need BETTER EQUIPMENT made of TRIPLE refined OBSIDIAN. Strongholds in the region will be LABYRINTHINE with LASER traps, NUCLEAR traps, and ANTIMATTER traps. There will also be libraries of books, but they'll be on FIRE. Some FLAMING CHESTS will contain COCOA which as been precooked into cookies due to the AWESOME HEAT. Prison cells will be full of AGONY and TORTURE. Enderportals will be SUPERCHARGED and suck in and SHRED everything within a radius of ONE HUNDRED blocks.
Potions can't be brewed, since it would just BURST INTO FLAMES, or evaporate. Instead, you must fill bottles with the blood of LESSER MEN and WOMEN. Potions made from this blood will want to KILL you, but will be unable to because it's SURROUNDED BY GLASS. If you smell it, you will immediately turn into an ENDERTIGER which eats OBSIDIAN but only for BREAKFAST. The sun doesn't shine in the Pain Forest because it's too afraid that the Pain Forest will knock the CORNERS off it. It's probably right. The moon, however, does rise, but it's CRIMSON and will shoot NEUTRINO WARHEADS, that teleport you to the END DIMENSION which could potentially be on PLUTO next to JOKER'S PLUTO HAHACIENDA. As it turns out, Joker is a FUNNY NEIGHBOR if you're not SO SERIOUS. Unfortunately you can never leave because Joker broke the MASS RELAY on Charon, next door to Pluto. Or perhaps that was a different Joker.
I have a CLEVER THEORY that the TESTIFICATES tried to settle here but they were embarrassingly UNMANLY and definitely UNAUTRALIAN and sadly not at all WOMANLY either. The utter HORROR of the place affected them with SIGNIFICANT NEGATIVITY especially when their REINFORCED IRON HOUSE was burned down by COMBUSTIBLE MELONS, the injuries from which is why they look so WEIRD.
So that's about it from me. Further suggestions and discussion are welcome. Many thanks to to Denn for the originalideas for the Pain Forest that I have adapted. Amazing that it's been a whole year! We should celebrate by baking a BLOOD CAKE made of SHREDDED DRAGON STEAKS with LASER CANDLES.
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Thread Ninja. Call me ED.
Quote from Tali »
Sssssshepard, the Creepersssss are ~ASssssssssUMING DIRECT CONTROL
Title is a misnomer. Wasn't expecting anything of the title's sort either...that wouldn't fit.
This seems like Saxton Hale said this...or simply a TF2-type comic/update blurb etc.
Actually, this was very much like Valve's update blurbs in cases.
Anyway, this was quite funny. Would be an...interesting...biome, to say the least. Would this be Notch's Worse-Than-Nether area? An area of blasted remains of blasted remains? Notch's evil playing field? What would be a good name for this? Why am I asking so many questions?
I was actually reading this to see if someone actually thought there should be kind, peaceful things in the Nether, and how those "Party Animals" would look like - assuming they look somewhat like current mobs. But I got a better thing of a worse-than-Nether Nether in the Overworld.
By the way, wouldn't rain have to be lava, not water or blood?
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If I try to fail and I succeed, what did I really do?
"Well, I'm off to enjoy the last ten minutes of my annual hour-long vacation. When I left the pigeons I had already managed to split them into warring factions and planted seeds of doubt about the capabilities of their pigeon leaders, so I'm interested to see how things play out once I take away all of their bread." ~The Administrator of TF2, after scolding cheaters.
As the well-known graph indicated, the Pain Forest is most definitely in a max precipitation, max temperature environment. The best meteorological modelling indicates that the region will periodically experience an INSTANTANEOUS FLOOD of TIGER blood. Only the MANLIEST of men and WOMANLIEST of women (probably those from Australia) will be able to withstand the intense winicidity of the tiger blood rain, and only the DARKEST of sunglasses can protect their eyes from the BLINDINGLY bright sheen of that blood. Potentially, less-than-manly (or womanly) Mincraftians could utilize corrosion-resistant ENCHANGED ARMOR of WINNING XLII to shield themselves.
The intense heat and awesomeness will be too great for the weak stone structures that lesser men create, causing all stone creations to INSTANTLY MELT INTO LAVA. Even CACTI will be unable to brave the awesome heat, and instead, only the super-manly IRON-CACTI will find the willpower to grow in the Pain Forest and can only be harvested by a HYPER ENCHANTED OBSIDIAN AXE.
Also, any snow in the area will INSTANTLY EVAPORATE through processes only understood by SCIENTISTS and some THEOLOGIANS. Zombies in the area will have the skin boil away and only their SKELETONS will remain, and they'll shoot FLAMING ARROWS from their STERNUMS. Spiders in the area will inexplicably grow THRICE THEIR SIZE, and maybe shoot lava, FROM THEIR THORAX. Creepers will still explode as usual, but their suicide will also release a LAVA FOUNTAIN from their REMAINS. Skeletons will mostly remain the same, except that their arrows will now BURST INTO PLASMA since they're made of wood. Your own arrows will tend to do the same. I think we can agree that this is AWESOME.
Sheep will INSTANTLY BURST INTO FLAMES, despite the high non-flammability of their wool coats. Only the manliest of sheep will remain, those with coats of PURE ENDERMATTER. Except these Ender Sheep aren't DOCILE. Instead they will give up EVERYTHING in an attempt to KILL YOU. AND YOUR FRIENDS. They don't eat grass, they eat LAVA. These Sheep will shoot BABY FLAMING ENDERMEN from their EYES. Also they can glide do to INEXPLICABLE means.
Pigs will spawn FULLY COOKED and ANGRY. They will spleen at you and can jump FOURTEEN METERS into the SKY. They will also STARE at you disconcertingly from a DISTANCE with their eyes crossed and fire FLAMING BACON at you. This will probably make unmanly men feel DISCONCERTED. Manly men, however, will KICK THOSE PIGS' CURLY TAILS.
Cows can be milked for PLASMA, but only if you're man enough to get close to them, since they are now equipped with a MINIGUN. Their shot gun fires MOLTEN URANIUM. Cows are dangerous and on a mission of GLOBAL DETONATION.
There are no chickens in the Pain Forest. Instead, chickens will have evolved into flying ENDERDRAGONS. Dragons breath FIRE through processes described as SCIENCE and HERESY. These dragons are CRANKY, but are actually PRETTY COOL GUYS once you get to know them. But to get to know them, you have to SMOTHER them with MAGMA CREAM because they find it STRANGELY COMFORTING.
Abandoned mines in this region would be DEATH ZONES, filled with large amounts of TOXIC SLUDGE and MURDER. When torches run out, they MELT the room into LAVA. The caves are lined with pockets of SILVERFISHINIUM (as seen on TV). Inside the silverfishinum are smaller pockets of DIAMOND, but you can't get to them because you are not MANLY ENOUGH since you're not AUSTRALIAN, unless you are, in which case you need BETTER EQUIPMENT made of TRIPLE refined OBSIDIAN. Strongholds in the region will be LABYRINTHINE with LASER traps, NUCLEAR traps, and ANTIMATTER traps. There will also be libraries of books, but they'll be on FIRE. Some FLAMING CHESTS will contain COCOA which as been precooked into cookies due to the AWESOME HEAT. Prison cells will be full of AGONY and TORTURE. Enderportals will be SUPERCHARGED and suck in and SHRED everything within a radius of ONE HUNDRED blocks.
Potions can't be brewed, since it would just BURST INTO FLAMES, or evaporate. Instead, you must fill bottles with the blood of LESSER MEN and WOMEN. Potions made from this blood will want to KILL you, but will be unable to because it's SURROUNDED BY GLASS. If you smell it, you will immediately turn into an ENDERTIGER which eats OBSIDIAN but only for BREAKFAST. The sun doesn't shine in the Pain Forest because it's too afraid that the Pain Forest will knock the CORNERS off it. It's probably right. The moon, however, does rise, but it's CRIMSON and will shoot NEUTRINO WARHEADS, that teleport you to the END DIMENSION which could potentially be on PLUTO next to JOKER'S PLUTO HAHACIENDA. As it turns out, Joker is a FUNNY NEIGHBOR if you're not SO SERIOUS. Unfortunately you can never leave because Joker broke the MASS RELAY on Charon, next door to Pluto. Or perhaps that was a different Joker.
I have a CLEVER THEORY that the TESTIFICATES tried to settle here but they were embarrassingly UNMANLY and definitely UNAUTRALIAN and sadly not at all WOMANLY either. The utter HORROR of the place affected them with SIGNIFICANT NEGATIVITY especially when their REINFORCED IRON HOUSE was burned down by COMBUSTIBLE MELONS, the injuries from which is why they look so WEIRD.
So that's about it from me. Further suggestions and discussion are welcome. Many thanks to to Denn for the originalideas for the Pain Forest that I have adapted. Amazing that it's been a whole year! We should celebrate by baking a BLOOD CAKE made of SHREDDED DRAGON STEAKS with LASER CANDLES.
Librari is: The Wizard formerly known as Genshou
Congratulations, you've made my day.
EDIS: Wait, spleen is a verb?
This seems like Saxton Hale said this...or simply a TF2-type comic/update blurb etc.
Actually, this was very much like Valve's update blurbs in cases.
Anyway, this was quite funny. Would be an...interesting...biome, to say the least. Would this be Notch's Worse-Than-Nether area? An area of blasted remains of blasted remains? Notch's evil playing field? What would be a good name for this? Why am I asking so many questions?
I was actually reading this to see if someone actually thought there should be kind, peaceful things in the Nether, and how those "Party Animals" would look like - assuming they look somewhat like current mobs. But I got a better thing of a worse-than-Nether Nether in the Overworld.
By the way, wouldn't rain have to be lava, not water or blood?
"Well, I'm off to enjoy the last ten minutes of my annual hour-long vacation. When I left the pigeons I had already managed to split them into warring factions and planted seeds of doubt about the capabilities of their pigeon leaders, so I'm interested to see how things play out once I take away all of their bread." ~The Administrator of TF2, after scolding cheaters.
As for the title, it's mostly a non sequitur except for starting with Party because it's the birthday of Pain Forest, and mostly it's an initialism.