This is a story that i have been working on for a few months. If you have any comments positive or negative (nothing to mean please ) please reply! It makes me feel popular.
ERASED
PART 1: The Chaos and Smell of Death
{Chapter 1- Fired}
Depression, chaos, and rage was my life ever since I got fired. My boss, Kurt Jones, fired me because I forgot to turn in my big final on time. It was one of the most important papers I had to write and, well, I procrastinated and fell asleep the day before so I couldn't finish it. If I could describe Kurt in one word, well, I just couldn't He was stupid, sinister, cheap, rich, and overall a big pain in the ass. They say he is a genius, but once you know him, he’s really not. Nothing else could describe him more; I swear by it. Normally when I walked home, to my apartment a few blocks away. I normally gave some money to the homeless, but then I just past them with my head down. I had no money to spare now that I lost my job; it will be a matter of time before rent is due. The city was so crowded I couldn't even hear myself think; everyone looked so happy, like they just had the best day of their life. It all looked fake, like I was dreaming, but it felt real.
My name is Richard Goley. I am, well was, an assistant at Mind Towers. Where we studied the brain and added enhancements to make it less forgetful and enhance the knowledge of it, but only to the world leaders, or anyone willing to fork up the money to do so. Five years ago, in 2016, the company was started by Kurt Jones and its purpose was only to help study the brain. But then the company grew and grew. It was a decent job and paid just enough to pay for food and bills, until now.
I am pretty tall and I have brown hair. I was also pretty smart as a kid in school. I was good in Math and Science, but not all that great in English. But I got better over the years. I was also not very social in school. I didn't have many friends and I mostly got beat-up, I learned how to fight back then. That’s why I moved from my small town in Illinois to Indianapolis, Indiana. I grew up with no siblings, and my parents died 6 years ago in a car crash. I miss them so, but I know that death is permanent.
My apartment was an old building, made of bricks and wood. It was nothing special, four floors with 20 apartments on each floor. Mine was on the third, room 313, easy to remember. I passed by the receptionist on the way to the elevator. He didn't speak much unless you were new and looking for a room, pretty much like all of the other people in the building. I rode the empty elevator to the third floor and walked down the hallway to the 13th room.
I unlocked the door to my apartment as my neighbor, Sleth Sloan who was my best friend, was leaving with a suitcase in hand. He isn't one of my boring neighbors; he was more social with everyone, especially me. He was wearing an old leather jacket that I remember he bought a few years back when he went to France. He had his travel pack hunched over his shoulder; it seemed to be half full seeing he is not going to be gone that long like when he went to Spain for the summer last year; Sleth normally went on vacations to places out of the US. One time he told me the story of when he visited Africa on a business trip, one of the other people who were working with him almost got mauled to death by a lion! That’s how awesome his company was, he was a photographer and he got to go to very cool places all around the world for free, in fact he got paid for it!
"Hey, where're you going this time," I asked.
"Oh, I’m just heading to Michigan to see my brother. He and his wife had a new baby boy," he responded. "Alright then; say hi for me will you." I replied.
"I'll be sure to!" he said with a friendly smile as he headed down the hall to the elevator. “Nothing bad can happen to that man,” I thought as I walked into my apartment.
Heading towards my bedroom, I looked around my apartment for a while, admiring it before I get moved out for not paying rent. Directly in front of my door way to the left was my couch, it was made of brown leather and it was worn out on the edges. Directly in front of my couch was my old wooden coffee table with scratches and drink circles spread all over the top of it, the only thing I put on that table are my drinks, the remote, and my feet. Across the room in front of the door was the dining table, similar to the coffee table, and a rather large window with white curtains, that didn’t let a lot of light in so there was in my apartment; therefore I normally used my lamp next to the TV for light. Over on the right side was my kitchen. There was a fridge, oven, dishwasher, sink, and cabinets that barely had any food in them. In the other corner of the door was my bedroom; inside it were my bathroom, bed, lamp, and a window. My apartment was pretty dull so I spent most of my time at work or wandering around town.
I threw my workbag on the couch. I just felt like going to bed and never waking up, but I have a date tomorrow. Hopefully that will cheer me up, so far nothing really has and nothing probably will. As I walked to my bed, skipping dinner, my girlfriend calls, Ana Hiller, and I answer it with a polite, “Hello?"
“Hi Richard, I just want to remind you that we are meeting at my house for dinner tomorrow."
“I know, I never forget an event with you in it," I responded.
"Ok, just seeing that you didn't forget. I don’t want to waste my time and money on you, no offence.”
“Naw, it’s ok, I am just heading to bed.”
“Ok! Love you," she says as I say "Love you" back. Ana was a sweet girl, she was energetic and very lovely, and she always had something to say when we talked, mostly over phone. She normally did most of the talking unless I had something more interesting than her to say, which was very rare. We are almost identical when it comes to what we like. We have been dating for a few months now and I could have not found a better girl to have as a girlfriend. I hung up the phone as I walked into my bedroom and lied on my bed, falling asleep into a dreamless night.
{Chapter 2 – Death…}
I woke up, feeling drunk even though I have never drank before. I got up and started walking to the cupboards to get a box of cereal. But then someone knocked on my door. "RICHARD, RICHARD…” it sounded like Sleth’s voice! I wondered what he wanted as I ambled to the door. ”…YOU GOTTA HELP ME ITS ABOUT TH-" and then the gunshot made me jump. “OH CRAP!" I yelled as a made a run for it, dropping my cereal box while running to the door. I unlocked it as the deep, dark red blood started pouring into my apartment, putting a red tint in my carpet."Oh no…" I whispered as Sleth's, cold blood-shot eyes glared at me with its never-ending stare. I stuck my head out of the doorway to see if there was anyone that was still running away from Sleth, no one. I dragged him in and picked up his lifeless body and put him on the couch. “The police should be on their way,” I thought, “It’s too late to save him now…” I glanced at his body, “How could anyone do this to someone like Sleth? He did not do anything wrong!” I thought as the sadness consumed me, then I noticed something; he had a letter sticking out of his jacket pocket. I reached over and had to almost rip it out of his grip to get it. It did not take long and I began examining the letter.
It had little red stains of blood stained near the top right corner and towards the middle. I began reading it as it said:
“Dear, Sleth, Your brother, his wife, and their baby have been shot, murdered and left for dead. We're afraid that the killer is coming after your family, so it's only safe that you remain hidden until further notice. We can't risk another citizen who knows to die. If you get chased, head to Richard Godley’s apartment immediately, or the nearest police officer. If neither is nearby, run. Just run with no questions. If you die, The Organization will not be pleased. Your life is important; you are one of the last who know.
Stay safe and remember to run,
The Organization”
I reclined back in my chair and put my hand on my forehead trying to comprehend what I just read. “Why me? What is ‘The Organization’? What is it he knew? Why does he know,” were just some of the questions flowing throughout my mind. I laid the letter on the table. His dead stare looked at me just to remind me he died. “I can’t believe he is dead, he does not deserve to die like this!” I yelled in my mind, almost saying it in real life. I started wiping the tears off my cheek; I didn’t even know I was crying! I called 911 saying that he died. The police were over in almost no time at all. I followed the police and doctors as they put Sleth on a stretcher and covered him in a white bag. They then drove off with my best friend’s lifeless body to the hospital to examine his wounds. Some of the police were still in the apartment complex trying to scrape off evidence from the hallway. I told them what happened and then they left. I then head into to the bathroom to take well deserved shower after what just happened.
{Chapter 3 – Worst Day of my Life}
After my shower I headed to the table and picked up a box, the box that will change my life, the box that contains the ring that I will propose to Ana tonight. Finally this will put some good into my life. Hopefully get Sleth off my mind for a while. I put it into my pocket and I head outside to buy flowers from a flower stand. When I open my door there is still a blood stain on the carpet, and the feeling of death in the air."Ugh, so... dizzy..." I say with my hand on my head, I really need some fresh air.
As I head outside, the police were still all over the place, taking notes, having conversations, and drinking coffee. I strolled down the street to the flower stand and buy some tulips, Ana's favorite flower. Down near my apartment building, I see cops entering. I sigh, “He is dead, the shooter got away, and there is nothing you can do!” I screamed in my mind as if I was talking to the cops. I went over to Starbucks and got some coffee. And then I headed home. It's not as crowded as before, but I still can't hear myself think.
Once I got back in my apartment, I started to watch TV, mostly because there was nothing going on right now and hopefully it would get my mind off Sleth. On the news they were talking about shootings all around the US, saying that all of the shooters have not been caught or even seen. They started to show pictures off all of the people who died, including Sleth and his family. “At least Sleth does not have to suffer family loss, like I…” I thought. I sighed and then after they showed Sleth’s picture, the TV went black. I did not turn it off; it did by itself all of a sudden. I looked around; all of my lights were fine. No blackout. I tried turning it back on, but it wouldn’t. I growled as I threw the remote at the TV, now I was really bored.
Later that night, I head down to Ana's apartment for our date. Her apartment was a few blocks away from mine. Unlike me, she lived on the top floor and her apartment was much cleaner and neater than mine. Even though we lived close to each other, we did not see each other much, we mostly just talked on the phone, well she did. I took the elevator up and went to her apartment door.
She opened the door even before I knock. "Hello!" she said as she smiled with that beautiful smile of hers. She was wearing a wonderful bright white dress that I bought for her a few months ago. It really brought out her make-up and her silky brown hair; she looked lovely. I smile back as I hand her the tulips. "Oh my god! Thank you!" she said as she took them and put them in a glass cup filled with water on the table where I assumed we were going to eat at."I knew you would bring some flowers. But not tulips! How did you know I liked them?" she asked. "Well, those clues you gave me were pretty obvious. And you told me the first day we met,” I replied. "Oh, ya," she blushed and acted like she was embarrassed, "That was so long ago I forgot," she said with a sigh, "Ya," was all that I could get out of my mouth.
I pulled out her chair as she sat down. I took the seat across from her, on our plates were spaghetti and a glass of water, not too fancy, seeing how we were both not the richest people in the world. "Ok, so yesterday," I started to tell her with a pause of silence, "I got fired from my job. And things have been weird ever since." I didn't want to talk about Sleth because it was to horrifying to talk about."Oh," Ana replied staring at the floor. "So, yesterday,” she said trying to raise my spirits, “…there was this guy on the street and he w-" is all I heard before my mind started stirring up about the proposal. It's all so strange, like a dream, or a fake world. It felt like my Sleth shouldn’t have died, that I shouldn’t have gotten fired. But I should be feeling that! Sleth was my best friend and that job paid well! But it felt stranger than normal. This was just all too strange for me.
After Ana stopped speaking I got up from my seat and on to my knee. Here it is, the moment that will change my life. I just hope that nothing will ever happen to ruin my life after this. Then I pulled out my box and opened it. Ana already knew that I wanted to marry her, just not today. "Oh, Richard, y-" she said before the ground shook, violently. We both fell to the ground, plates and glasses shattering. The ceiling blew off and the sky was bare, electricity and water started pouring out of the electricity wires and the sky. Ana was covered in water, but I was completely dry. I tried diving in to save her but then an electricity shot down and electrocuted her, I couldn’t do anything, and it was the end for Ana.
"ANA!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs but it sounded and felt all too quiet to me. I held her in my arms, and I shook her hoping there was still some life in her; just one little speck. I looked at her and my tears fell on her face and she opened her eyes ever so slightly and slowly. I could feel her breath getting colder, she put her arms around me trying to hug me but she was just too weak. I held her close and her mouth was near my ear, I could hear her last words just slightly, “Goodbye…” she muttered, shaking. Then she exhaled deeply, it was freezing, and she did not inhale again. She fell back in my arms like a ragdoll. I held her tighter than anything, hoping that she could feel me, feel my love. ”Don’t die….” I whispered in the deepest sorrow anyone could muster, “COME ON!!! PLEASE!!!” I yelled, but I knew she couldn’t hear me; she was dead, just like Sleth. I lied her down gently on the ground and closed her mouth that was still open. My tears dropped on her like rain hitting the ground. I stood up slowly, “Kill me now…” I whisper and there was a brief silence before my next words: "KILL ME NOW!!!" I yelled looking up at the sky as rain poured on my face, "COME ON!" I yelled again throwing my arms around; nothing happed, Ana was just lying there, and I bent down and wiped off the blood from her mouth and kissed her for the last time. The shaking started to slow down to a gentle stop. I looked at the table were we ate from and I shoved all of the plates and glasses on the floor shattering all of them when they hit the hard floor. My anger and depression was too much. I walked over to her bedroom and grabbed an old photo of us together, we were so happy then. More tears fell off my face as I looked up and examined all of the other photos on the dresser. I put the picture in my pocket as I walked out the door and walked home.
{Chapter 4- The Nightmare}
On the way home through the puddles of blood and water, broken glass, and violent shakings of the ground, I tried to think about what was going on. But I couldn't think straight with the picture of my dead girlfriend’s face in my head. The road was filled with crashed cars, paramedics trying to rescue as much survivors as they can, and fires all around; with News vans and people trying to get the story out. Most of the buildings were crumbled or had no windows with furniture falling out of the empty sockets. Apparently there was a huge tremor, but in Indy? I could see so many dead bodies lying under rubble or just on the ground. People were smashed, stabbed, and some were even splattered in different pieces across the ground; so gory…
My apartment complex was still standing and away from most of the chaos. The receptionist was making a ton of phone calls, once he saw me, he wrote my name down on a piece of paper. I went up to my room and nearly tore down my door. I walked into my bedroom and went to sleep, hoping for good rest, something to calm down my over-hyper nerves. Today was by far the worst day of my life, my best friend and my girlfriend died, my two best friends, my two ONLY friends. Not to mention I got fired yesterday. No job, no friends, nothing to live for. I didn’t know what to do what my life but suicide, there was nothing else to live for. But instead there was the nightmare…
The nightmare started like this: I was sitting on my couch watching TV. It was static like if my antenna was broken, but I don’t have one. Then the static morphed into a shadow figure appeared in the static. It started to become clearer, it was growing out of my TV! It stretched out of the TV and took the remote, and it pulled it in the TV. The figure had it in its hand I opened my mouth but nothing came out; not even a breath. I was scared, I knew it was a dream but I somehow couldn't wake from it. The figure was looking at me; it was neither a man, nor woman, but it still seemed human.
"Hello Richard,” it said and I jumped, it’s voice was confident and yet evil, I could tell this would not end well, “I have heard you just had the worst day of your life I assume, not to mention you got fired...” It scowled, and it started to sound like my old boss Kurt. “It is just a dream, it should know that stuff,” I thought. “You wonder why this is happening to you, I have the answers." It said at me. “Of course you would say that! You are just a dream; you would say that to make me feel better! You’re just a fragment of my imagination!”I said with confidence. "Hmph… You think this is just a dream? Well… it isn’t; well it is, but it is much more. Much, MUCH more…" the figure said and I somehow believed him. I felt strange, this was not a dream, this was real. I could make it out that the figure was smiling at me, even though its face was entirely black. “Before we continue I must tell you something before we continue, there are two worlds; the real one and the Mind world. You are currently in the real one,” it said with, I assume were its hands, clenched together like my old boss. He spun around in what appeared to be a plush chair, just like the ones in Mind Tower…
Then the figure stepped out of the television, it literally stepped out of the TV, and my jaw dropped like an anchor. It looked like my boss, Kurt, but taller and engulfed in darkness. I could see the darkness flow off its body and into the air were it dissipated. It pulled out a gun aiming at me."But you see, you can’t just run around the real world knowing that. If you die here, you will be erased from both worlds, forever." "But… why?" I said with a shaky voice, this was defiantly scary, defiantly a nightmare. "Because," it paused "you know now…" it pulled the trigger and the bullet nailed me in my chest. I looked down and saw the blood shoot out of my body and onto him. Even though he had no face, I assumed he was smiling sinisterly. I fell forwards off my couch and onto the floor, with a pool of blood around me…
{Chapter 5- World Rebooted}
I woke up from the nightmare and everything looked very normal; like nothing that happened last night happened. The sun was shining through my blinds; I stood up and looked out the window. There were cars driving on the roads, stores filled with customers, and the streets lined with people. "What the..." I said before my cell phone rang. I checked to see who was calling, and to my surprise, it was Ana! She was alive? I answered it and said; "Hello?" Hoping it was not only someone else who found her phone. "Richard," it was her alright "I wanted to thank you for the ring, I scheduled our wedding in exactly seven months. I’m so glad you asked yesterday, I was sort of having a bad day and you flipped it around! I love you," she said as I replied "I love you," back in a confused tone. I hung up thinking what the heck is going on. Didn’t Mr. Shadow say if I died in the “Real World” I would be erased from both?
I went into my kitchen and decided what to eat breakfast, and I no longer wanted to commit suicide. I ate breakfast and took a quick shower. I decided that I needed to get some fresh air, so I quickly put on some clean clothes with my jacket and I went outside for a stroll. “Was that dream real? It felt real, but didn’t the strange “figure” say if I died there I would die here? And he killed me…” I thought while walking and then it hit my mind, “If Ana is alive, maybe Sleth is too!” I got out my phone and called Sleth’s number. “Come on Sleth, come on!!!” I thought, and then someone picked up…
“Hello?” wait, this did not sound like Sleth, “I’m sorry, Sleth Slogan is diseased, we are terribly sorry…” the man said as if he was wanting me to say my name. “Oh,” I said and hung up. It didn’t make sense! If Ana is alive, why isn’t Sleth? During my walk, out of boredom, I went into the mall to just to browse; I didn’t have much money so I did not expect to buy anything.
While I was walking around the mall some guy, slightly shorter than me, stopped me and looked at me. "Hello, Richard," the man said panting as if he was out of breath. "How do you know my..." I said before he interrupted me and grabbed me by my jacket and forced me down to his body height and almost hugged me so I could hear him whisper in my ear, "Silence, you wonder why the world rebooted right?" "Um…," I said as if he was some crazy stranger who was drunk. He pulled me away so I could see his expression: not amused, "Well,” he said as he pulled me closer and looked around to see if anyone was looking and he whispered in my ear again, “Remember Richard, this isn't the real world. People are now hunting you down because you know that. Don't trust anyone, not a cashier, not a police man, not even a priest!" he said as he slipped some money into my hand. “Use this to buy a gun; you will need it to protect yourself, Richard. We need every man we have; don’t let them kill you. Go!” He said as he shoved me away and walked away looking like we never just had that conversation.
I looked back at the money he gave me. $1000! Why would anyone give a stranger $1000! Then I remembered he knew my name; this was no joke. “People hunting me, wanting to kill me, and I know.” I thought and I had a flashback to Sleth’s dead face. If it is true what this guy said to me. Will I end up like Sleth if I don’t protect myself? I looked around me, all around me. No one was staring, but two men in suits. I started to go in the opposite direction of them. Not wanting to turn my head to check on them. I left the mall and started to walk a bit faster to the nearest gun shop. It was a few blocks away but I made it before the men.
At the door to the gun shop I looked around to see if any more men were watching me. Lucky there wasn’t. I walked in the store and the store keeper stared at me without talking. I looked back at him and walked to his desk. “What do ya’ want?” he said to me with is yellow teeth. “Um… Just a gun… Please…” I said nervously, “Oh! And a holster too…” “That will be a total $950, want to get some spare ammo, all of it only for $1000?” the shopkeeper said at me while getting a pistol from a glass case. “Um… Yes…” I said as I hand him the $1000 bill. He snatched it and gave me my items. I put on the holster; it completely hid the gun under my jacket with all of my ammo too. I exited the store as the shopkeeper said, “Wait… do ya’ have a license?” I could see him look down at the money and he completely forgot about how I did not have a license.
{Chapter 6- Revenge, well, sort of}
I ambled out of the gun shop with the ammo, and the holster under my jacket. I decided to go home now; hopefully none of those guys have caught up with me. While outside on the street, some teen with his hood on bumped into me. "Hey!" I said as the strange teen just ignores me. He was heading in the direction to Mind Tower, my old job. I sighed and I turned around and headed back to my apartment, checking constantly to see if I was being followed.
Back in the hallway of my apartment I saw that Sleth’s old apartment’s door was open, I peeked inside it and saw another man, not Sleth, in it unpacking. He must have bought the room because he didn’t seem like a police man or someone relating to Sleth’s death. “Hey,” I said to him as I leaned in the doorway, “Oh, hi!” the man looked at me with a smile. “My name is George ****, nice to meet you,” he said with a pause as if we wanted to know my name.
“Richard Goley,” I said to George. “Welcome to the building,” I said with a nice smile.
“T-thanks,” he said nervously, “I’m just going to unpack now…” George said. “Well, if you need anything, I am right next door, see you around sometime.” I said and I left to my room.
Once I got into my apartment I put my holster on the table, with no gun. "Oh my god!" I whispered. I couldn't have left it anywhere! And it certainly couldn't just jump out of my holster and run away! Then I had a flashback to the nightmare, the shadow figure that looked and sounded like Kurt, and there was that teen who bumped into me, heading to Mind Tower. I grabbed my jacket and ran outside to take a cab to Mind Tower, where I would hopefully get some answers to some questions...
As I got out of the cab at Mind Tower; I looked up high at the skyscraper. Mind Tower was a symbol for our city, for our state, for our country. "This is it..." I whispered as I walked inside the building. Luckily for me, there was a newbie at the front desk. I showed him my old ID card from when I used to work here. He nodded and I went to the elevator so I could go to the top floor, “Control” everyone used to call it because Kurt worked up there along with most of the other big people in the company. I pushed the button and I got in the elevator along with a few other people who I assumed also worked here; the people who were around me stared at me strangely, like I was an alien to this world. "What?" I asked them, but they said nothing to me, they just continued to stare at me. I almost felt it, felt their eyes puncturing into me trying to examine every cell in my body to make sure I belonged here. “Jeez…" I said to them and they still continued to stare. Halfway to the top the elevator stopped and everyone in the elevator got out and walked to their offices, but they still continued to stare; even the people who were not in the elevator before got up and looked at me. What was wrong with these people?
I got out of the elevator when it reached the top floor and I walked through the complex maze of hallways to reach my destination: Kurt’s office, which took up about half the floor. When I got to his room I nearly kicked the door off its hinges. I looked in the room, and I saw Kurt’s chair facing the huge window in front of me. I scanned the huge room for anyone else; no one. "Ok! What is going on around here?" I said to Kurt. “Finally Richard, what took you so long?” Kurt said to me, still turned the other way in his chair. "What took me so long? You never sent me!" I yelled back to him. He chuckled a bit as I heard the pounding of footsteps coming this way. I turned around and saw all of the people in the elevator before and the newbie guard from the very first floor, they all looked at me like they did before, but this time I felt them; felt their evil trying to enter me. I knew that if I tried to go that way they would kill me. As I looked back I could see that the room suddenly filled up with men in black suits, they all looked identical, like clones. “Is, this yours?” Kurt said as he held up my gun in the air. "Yes! And I would really appreciate for you to give it back, now!" I almost yelled. "Come and get it…" he said as if he was playing with me. He turned around in his chair and I could feel my body swelling up in fear. I didn’t know why I was like this, I was normally not afraid of anything, let alone my boss. Why now? I looked at the gun and I scanned the guards. I then saw a guard who stuck out from the others, his face looked familiar. Upon further examination, I realized, it was Sleth’s face! But he is dead! He then winked at me, and I remembered the note, “…you are one of the last who know…” and I knew it too, this was the forged world. I then ran towards him, he was standing near the window, but in the middle of running he moved over my Kurt, and then I realized, he was Kurt! Kurt, the C.E.O. of Mind Towers was playing mind tricks with me. I ran up only to him only to find myself jumping out the window.
{Chapter 7- Spare Lives}
So there I was, falling to my doom. Many thoughts of what to do ran through my mind. One of them was to grip onto a window platform, but I assumed that the speed of the fall would just tear my hands clean off like butter. Then I thought of sliding down the side, but then the friction of my jeans to the windows at this speed would just set me on fire or something. And then I finally thought of landing on something soft, is concrete soft?
I had to take in that I was going to die. I sighed, “This is it,” I thought. I closed my eyes and thought about all of the good and fun times I had when I was younger. But it was too late because then I hit the ground; dead. The gates of heaven, here I come.
But then, I woke up on the ground in a blank world. There was nothing, literally! I assumed I was in the afterlife because of how there was nothing around me for miles; light-years maybe! It was just blank; nothing but me and some guy in a large, brown, trench coat with dark sunglasses and a fedora on. "Where am I?" I asked him as I got up from where I was laying, my head really hurt. "Nowhere," he said in a sort of confident tone, I already trusted him. “How can I be-“I said before he cut me off, “Nowhere? Well, we are somewhere but nowhere is how I can say it and still make sense to you. You just died, yes?" "Well, ya, it’s not really that hard to forget. Am I in the ‘real world’?" “Yes, this is the ‘real world’,” He said in a tone like he was mocking me, “Listen, you will get back, but you can't go back every time you die. You are like a… how can I put this? Uh… a video game character, you have a certain amount of lives and when it reaches zero,” he said with a pause making a zero shape with his hands, “Its game over for you."
"Ok so, how many 'lives' do I have?" I asked back. "Not much, 4 now," he said. He took off his glasses and looked back at me; "Sorry for no introduction, my name is Morpheus, nice to meet you Richard.”
{Chapter 8 - Right Where I Left Off}
Morpheus looked at me with a curious glare, “Now, we need to get you back to Earth, and don’t die on me again,” he said. “Ok… I guess I did try my best not to die, but seriously, can I get back to Earth now? I need to finish my business with some guy name Kurt.” I asked. “I know, I know… are you sure you really want to do this now? You don’t seem that ready yet.” He said, worrying about me, “Yeah yeah, just take me back,” I said back to him without paying much attention to what he was really saying. “Ok, then Richard, next stop, the elevator. See you soon,” he said. I got ready to be sent to the real world but then Morpheus said one last thing, “And Richard, all of those people you saw, they’re pure evil. Do not let them kill you,” he said as I reappeared in the elevator at Mind Tower; everyone was staring at me again.
I looked at them and thought of what Morpheus just told me. I stepped over to the controls to the elevator so no one could touch them. I then turned around and knocked out the person looking right at me. That’s when they all started to attack me. I ducked as some girl punched the controls so hard it broke them; all from one small girl! I then rolled under one of their legs as one guy tried to tackle me. I swiped my foot tripping the person right about to punch me. The last guy looked at me when I stood up. And then I just rammed into him knocking him so hard in the wall I could hear one of his bones breaking. I looked at the bodies and blood I created. And then they all started to fade out, into nothing. I trusted Morpheus when he said they were evil, because they were.
The elevator skips the floor all of the people would have gotten off so it takes me straight to the top. I walk back through the complex hallways into Kurt’s office, but two guards block the doorway, they weren’t there before. “Let me in!” I told them aggressively. “Do you have any business with Mr. Jones?” one of them asked. “Well, yes,” I replied I said with a blow to their faces simultaneously with my fists; unconscious, “To kill him,” I whispered to their bodies and spat on them. I reached down and picked up their guns and looked around me to see if anyone saw me. No one was standing in the lone hallway, doors leading to empty offices everywhere, one after another. “I wonder what it’s like to work up here, next to Kurt, horrible I suppose”. I needed to focus on my one and only goal: get information out of Kurt then kill him. I felt like this might end better than last time…
I decided to open the door normally, then, surprise! You’re dead! This is it, no holding back now. I put one of the guns on the ground and opened the door slowly. I picked the gun back up and hid both of them behind my back. I pushed the rest of the door open with my body looking around the room, amazed. There were many more guards than last time I came. Kurt knew; he knew I was coming, but how?
“Hey… how’s it goin’?” I said to them, playing around with them.
“Well, well. Look who came back.” Kurt said.
"Wait, how do you…” I said before he cut me off,
“Heh heh…” he chuckled, “It will hit you one day how I know, but the important thing now is that you know, and it really shouldn’t be like that,” he said shaking his head no. “You see, if you know, you’re in my way. And whoever is in my way gets killed. And those guns that you have behind your back won’t do it for me,” he said as he rose from his chair. “Now, say goodbye to who you loved, who is this Ana girl… Wow… That’s all? Man, I thought it be more. Well, at least almost no one will care when I kill you,” he said with a grin.
I was shocked, how could he know all of that by looking at me? This was all too weird for me and I pulled out my guns from behind my back and pointed them at him. I hear a cocking of guns coming from the guards. “Foolish, just foolish,” Kurt said. I ignored what he said and then I started to fire and scream at the top of my lungs, not regretting what I’m doing…
mind if i use it in a independent authors website im making.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Gods are not to be respected, Gods are not to be loved, Gods are to be feared, they are to be feared because they are not mortal. Gods know no love, no feeling of belonging, they have no humanity. Gods are completely alien to all things human, the best way to describe it is Sociopath. Gods are Sociopaths with all the power you can imagine, so yes they are to be feared.
-X3fusion (AKA) Xefilis
I'm currently reading and telling you of anything I have in mind at the moment. One thing I've come to realize is that you're switching tense. Stick to one and only switch when you want the narrator to speak out his mind (and, in my case, it should preferrably be in italics). Or, you know, stick to one tense in a sentence.
"Depression, chaos, and rage hashad been my life ever since I got fired."
The next sentence is a pretty long one. I can say that it's a run-on sentence and you should just split it into two sentences. "...I forgot to turn in my big final on time[.] It was one of the most important papers..."
"He was stupid, sinister, cheap, rich, and overall a big pain in the butt." - I find this funny how you say he's cheap but then the next thing on the list is that he's rich xD (Maybe go for frugal?) And saying "pain in the butt" just doesn't have the nice effect as saying it's a pain in the ass. How about he was a pain in the neck?
"Normally when I walked home, to my apartment a few blocks away, I gave some money to the homeless[.] Now I just past them with my head down[.] I had no money to spare now that I lost my job; it will be a matter of time before rent is due." - Another run-on sentence. These are just suggestions, though. You can always put in semicolons ;P
I can see that you have some run-on sentences along with your changing of the tenses. I'm not gonna say anymore about those and talk to you about your story. Enough of me nitpicking, eh? Wait... I just read further more... and are you smudging the dialogues together? How dare you! You start a new paragraph after a dialogue. Easier for the readers to read.
"Where're you going now," I asked.
"Oh, I’m just heading to Michigan to see my brother. He and his wife had a new baby boy," he responded.
"Oh, ok; say hi for me will you." I replied.
"Ok!" he said with a friendly smile as he headed down the hall to the elevator. “Nothing bad can happen to that man,” I thought as I walked into my apartment. - Also, for dialogue, I think the man should say "Alright!" since it has a bit more of a flow into it.
Oh, goodness. You have the same way of describing the character's house as I do! *hugs*
At least you got the dialogue correct after this. The conversation's going great with his girlfriend. It's pretty fluent, until... "'Ok, just seeing that you didn’t forget. I don’t want to waste my time and money on you, no offenceoffense.'" - WHAT?! What kind of girlfriend says that kind of thing? Really?
Yet he just replies nonchalantly? I'd slap that ho! Uhh... forget what I just mentioned.
"I hang up the phone as I walk into my bedroom and lie on my bed, falling asleep into a dreamless night." - And... that's the end of the first chapter. Also, this entire sentence is present tense. Are you going for past or present? Pick one.
I don't know what to say about this at the moment. The first chapter isn't really that much of an eye-candy. It's just your typical guy who recently got fired. We've seen this before (or techinically, read this before). I'm hoping, from your title, that this is about a man whose life has been erased completely or somewhere along that line. The only thing that I found amusing was the fact that his apartment's number is thirteen. So... I'm hoping (lol) that it gets a lot more interesting soon. In which case, I'll be reading the next chapter after I finish this post. I can see that you're trying to cram everything into our brain during the first chapter with you introducing Richard Goley and all, but you can do it throughout the story. You don't have a limit during a story. Sure... it might drag on, but that ain't a limit (you shouldn't be doing that, don't follow what I just wrote).
So aside from you trying to cram everything about Richard into my head, you're also cramming things into your sentences. Let them be their own sentences, don't smudge them all together. When you have two independent clause, put in a period, not a comma (or if you want, a semicolon).
I hope this helps out a bit. Just a fellow writer giving you a hand :]
EDIT: Another thing, the other thing that you can do for your run-on sentences is to add in such words like, "and, or, so, however, although, etc"
I saw that chapter 2 was pretty short so I might as well read it before I go to sleep. And damn did it catch my attention. Now this is eye-candy! =w=
Well, except for the whole CAPITALIZATION ON PEOPLE YELLING. It's not a pretty sight. Remember that you're writing a story, not IMing your friends. It's okay to do that when chatting with others, but you're writing a story. By the way, I see what you did there on the last chapter with Richard going all like, "I'm sure nothing's gonna happen to Sleth."
Oohhhh, what is this about an orginazation? I R INTERESTED. But next time... because I gotta go to sleep.
I'm currently reading and telling you of anything I have in mind at the moment. One thing I've come to realize is that you're switching tense. Stick to one and only switch when you want the narrator to speak out his mind (and, in my case, it should preferrably be in italics). Or, you know, stick to one tense in a sentence.
"Depression, chaos, and rage hashad been my life ever since I got fired."
The next sentence is a pretty long one. I can say that it's a run-on sentence and you should just split it into two sentences. "...I forgot to turn in my big final on time[.] It was one of the most important papers..."
"He was stupid, sinister, cheap, rich, and overall a big pain in the butt." - I find this funny how you say he's cheap but then the next thing on the list is that he's rich xD (Maybe go for frugal?) And saying "pain in the butt" just doesn't have the nice effect as saying it's a pain in the ass. How about he was a pain in the neck?
Yeah, I originally gave it to my school teachers so i had to censor it so i didn't get in trouble (They really enjoyed it)
"Normally when I walked home, to my apartment a few blocks away, I gave some money to the homeless[.] Now I just past them with my head down[.] I had no money to spare now that I lost my job; it will be a matter of time before rent is due." - Another run-on sentence. These are just suggestions, though. You can always put in semicolons ;P
I can see that you have some run-on sentences along with your changing of the tenses. I'm not gonna say anymore about those and talk to you about your story. Enough of me nitpicking, eh? Wait... I just read further more... and are you smudging the dialogues together? How dare you! You start a new paragraph after a dialogue. Easier for the readers to read.
"Where're you going now," I asked.
"Oh, I’m just heading to Michigan to see my brother. He and his wife had a new baby boy," he responded.
"Oh, ok; say hi for me will you." I replied.
"Ok!" he said with a friendly smile as he headed down the hall to the elevator. “Nothing bad can happen to that man,” I thought as I walked into my apartment. - Also, for dialogue, I think the man should say "Alright!" since it has a bit more of a flow into it.
In school they dont really tell us to do stuff like that, mostly because we just learn how to write research papers and boring stuff like that
Oh, goodness. You have the same way of describing the character's house as I do! *hugs*
At least you got the dialogue correct after this. The conversation's going great with his girlfriend. It's pretty fluent, until... "'Ok, just seeing that you didn’t forget. I don’t want to waste my time and money on you, no offenceoffense.'" - WHAT?! What kind of girlfriend says that kind of thing? Really?
Yet he just replies nonchalantly? I'd slap that ho! Uhh... forget what I just mentioned.
I don't really have a real girlfriend and never had one so I don't really know what she would say : /
"I hang up the phone as I walk into my bedroom and lie on my bed, falling asleep into a dreamless night." - And... that's the end of the first chapter. Also, this entire sentence is present tense. Are you going for past or present? Pick one.
I don't know what to say about this at the moment. The first chapter isn't really that much of an eye-candy. It's just your typical guy who recently got fired. We've seen this before (or techinically, read this before). I'm hoping, from your title, that this is about a man whose life has been erased completely or somewhere along that line. The only thing that I found amusing was the fact that his apartment's number is thirteen. So... I'm hoping (lol) that it gets a lot more interesting soon. In which case, I'll be reading the next chapter after I finish this post. I can see that you're trying to cram everything into our brain during the first chapter with you introducing Richard Goley and all, but you can do it throughout the story. You don't have a limit during a story. Sure... it might drag on, but that ain't a limit (you shouldn't be doing that, don't follow what I just wrote).
So aside from you trying to cram everything about Richard into my head, you're also cramming things into your sentences. Let them be their own sentences, don't smudge them all together. When you have two independent clause, put in a period, not a comma (or if you want, a semicolon).
I hope this helps out a bit. Just a fellow writer giving you a hand :]
EDIT: Another thing, the other thing that you can do for your run-on sentences is to add in such words like, "and, or, so, however, although, etc"
First off thanks for this. I like it when people give a detailed response to my writing. There are a lot of errors because of my really lazy nature, so i normally let my friends proof read it. I'll be sure to edit those errors into this and my word document.
Before writing this I didn't really know that much to do with the story so it was mostly free write, but over time I have gotten much more serious about my writing and better at grammar and editing. Actually I have been pretty lazy about writing the 2nd part, and because of this comment I think i just might get back onto that
Again thanks for taking your time to write feedback.
Depression, chaos, and rage was my life ever since I got fired. My boss, Kurt Jones, fired me because I forgot to turn in my big final on time. It was one of the most important papers I had to write and, well, I procrastinated and fell asleep the day before so I couldn't finish it. If I could describe Kurt in one word, well, I just couldn't He was stupid, sinister, cheap, rich, and overall a big pain in the ass. They say he is a genius, but once you know him, he’s really not. Nothing else could describe him more; I swear by it. Normally when I walked home, to my apartment a few blocks away. I normally gave some money to the homeless, but then I just past them with my head down. I had no money to spare now that I lost my job; it will be a matter of time before rent is due. The city was so crowded I couldn't even hear myself think; everyone looked so happy, like they just had the best day of their life. It all looked fake, like I was dreaming, but it felt real.
My name is Richard Goley. I am, well was, an assistant at Mind Towers. Where we studied the brain and added enhancements to make it less forgetful and enhance the knowledge of it, but only to the world leaders, or anyone willing to fork up the money to do so. Five years ago, in 2016, the company was started by Kurt Jones and its purpose was only to help study the brain. But then the company grew and grew. It was a decent job and paid just enough to pay for food and bills, until now.
I am pretty tall and I have brown hair. I was also pretty smart as a kid in school. I was good in Math and Science, but not all that great in English. But I got better over the years. I was also not very social in school. I didn't have many friends and I mostly got beat-up, I learned how to fight back then. That’s why I moved from my small town in Illinois to Indianapolis, Indiana. I grew up with no siblings, and my parents died 6 years ago in a car crash. I miss them so, but I know that death is permanent.
My apartment was an old building, made of bricks and wood. It was nothing special, four floors with 20 apartments on each floor. Mine was on the third, room 313, easy to remember. I passed by the receptionist on the way to the elevator. He didn't speak much unless you were new and looking for a room, pretty much like all of the other people in the building. I rode the empty elevator to the third floor and walked down the hallway to the 13th room.
I unlocked the door to my apartment as my neighbor, Sleth Sloan who was my best friend, was leaving with a suitcase in hand. He isn't one of my boring neighbors; he was more social with everyone, especially me. He was wearing an old leather jacket that I remember he bought a few years back when he went to France. He had his travel pack hunched over his shoulder; it seemed to be half full seeing he is not going to be gone that long like when he went to Spain for the summer last year; Sleth normally went on vacations to places out of the US. One time he told me the story of when he visited Africa on a business trip, one of the other people who were working with him almost got mauled to death by a lion! That’s how awesome his company was, he was a photographer and he got to go to very cool places all around the world for free, in fact he got paid for it!
"Hey, where're you going this time," I asked.
"Oh, I’m just heading to Michigan to see my brother. He and his wife had a new baby boy," he responded. "Alright then; say hi for me will you." I replied.
"I'll be sure to!" he said with a friendly smile as he headed down the hall to the elevator.
“Nothing bad can happen to that man,” I thought as I walked into my apartment.
Heading towards my bedroom, I looked around my apartment for a while, admiring it before I get moved out for not paying rent. Directly in front of my door way to the left was my couch, it was made of brown leather and it was worn out on the edges. Directly in front of my couch was my old wooden coffee table with scratches and drink circles spread all over the top of it, the only thing I put on that table are my drinks, the remote, and my feet. Across the room in front of the door was the dining table, similar to the coffee table, and a rather large window with white curtains, that didn’t let a lot of light in so there was in my apartment; therefore I normally used my lamp next to the TV for light. Over on the right side was my kitchen. There was a fridge, oven, dishwasher, sink, and cabinets that barely had any food in them. In the other corner of the door was my bedroom; inside it were my bathroom, bed, lamp, and a window. My apartment was pretty dull so I spent most of my time at work or wandering around town.
I threw my workbag on the couch. I just felt like going to bed and never waking up, but I have a date tomorrow. Hopefully that will cheer me up, so far nothing really has and nothing probably will. As I walked to my bed, skipping dinner, my girlfriend calls, Ana Hiller, and I answer it with a polite, “Hello?"
“Hi Richard, I just want to remind you that we are meeting at my house for dinner tomorrow."
“I know, I never forget an event with you in it," I responded.
"Ok, just seeing that you didn't forget. I don’t want to waste my time and money on you, no offence.”
“Naw, it’s ok, I am just heading to bed.”
“Ok! Love you," she says as I say "Love you" back. Ana was a sweet girl, she was energetic and very lovely, and she always had something to say when we talked, mostly over phone. She normally did most of the talking unless I had something more interesting than her to say, which was very rare. We are almost identical when it comes to what we like. We have been dating for a few months now and I could have not found a better girl to have as a girlfriend. I hung up the phone as I walked into my bedroom and lied on my bed, falling asleep into a dreamless night.
{Chapter 2 – Death…}
I woke up, feeling drunk even though I have never drank before. I got up and started walking to the cupboards to get a box of cereal. But then someone knocked on my door. "RICHARD, RICHARD…” it sounded like Sleth’s voice! I wondered what he wanted as I ambled to the door. ”…YOU GOTTA HELP ME ITS ABOUT TH-" and then the gunshot made me jump. “OH CRAP!" I yelled as a made a run for it, dropping my cereal box while running to the door. I unlocked it as the deep, dark red blood started pouring into my apartment, putting a red tint in my carpet."Oh no…" I whispered as Sleth's, cold blood-shot eyes glared at me with its never-ending stare. I stuck my head out of the doorway to see if there was anyone that was still running away from Sleth, no one. I dragged him in and picked up his lifeless body and put him on the couch. “The police should be on their way,” I thought, “It’s too late to save him now…” I glanced at his body, “How could anyone do this to someone like Sleth? He did not do anything wrong!” I thought as the sadness consumed me, then I noticed something; he had a letter sticking out of his jacket pocket. I reached over and had to almost rip it out of his grip to get it. It did not take long and I began examining the letter.
It had little red stains of blood stained near the top right corner and towards the middle. I began reading it as it said:
“Dear, Sleth,
Your brother, his wife, and their baby have been shot, murdered and left for dead. We're afraid that the killer is coming after your family, so it's only safe that you remain hidden until further notice. We can't risk another citizen who knows to die. If you get chased, head to Richard Godley’s apartment immediately, or the nearest police officer. If neither is nearby, run. Just run with no questions. If you die, The Organization will not be pleased. Your life is important; you are one of the last who know.
Stay safe and remember to run,
The Organization”
I reclined back in my chair and put my hand on my forehead trying to comprehend what I just read. “Why me? What is ‘The Organization’? What is it he knew? Why does he know,” were just some of the questions flowing throughout my mind. I laid the letter on the table. His dead stare looked at me just to remind me he died. “I can’t believe he is dead, he does not deserve to die like this!” I yelled in my mind, almost saying it in real life. I started wiping the tears off my cheek; I didn’t even know I was crying! I called 911 saying that he died. The police were over in almost no time at all. I followed the police and doctors as they put Sleth on a stretcher and covered him in a white bag. They then drove off with my best friend’s lifeless body to the hospital to examine his wounds. Some of the police were still in the apartment complex trying to scrape off evidence from the hallway. I told them what happened and then they left. I then head into to the bathroom to take well deserved shower after what just happened.
{Chapter 3 – Worst Day of my Life}
After my shower I headed to the table and picked up a box, the box that will change my life, the box that contains the ring that I will propose to Ana tonight. Finally this will put some good into my life. Hopefully get Sleth off my mind for a while. I put it into my pocket and I head outside to buy flowers from a flower stand. When I open my door there is still a blood stain on the carpet, and the feeling of death in the air."Ugh, so... dizzy..." I say with my hand on my head, I really need some fresh air.
As I head outside, the police were still all over the place, taking notes, having conversations, and drinking coffee. I strolled down the street to the flower stand and buy some tulips, Ana's favorite flower. Down near my apartment building, I see cops entering. I sigh, “He is dead, the shooter got away, and there is nothing you can do!” I screamed in my mind as if I was talking to the cops. I went over to Starbucks and got some coffee. And then I headed home. It's not as crowded as before, but I still can't hear myself think.
Once I got back in my apartment, I started to watch TV, mostly because there was nothing going on right now and hopefully it would get my mind off Sleth. On the news they were talking about shootings all around the US, saying that all of the shooters have not been caught or even seen. They started to show pictures off all of the people who died, including Sleth and his family. “At least Sleth does not have to suffer family loss, like I…” I thought. I sighed and then after they showed Sleth’s picture, the TV went black. I did not turn it off; it did by itself all of a sudden. I looked around; all of my lights were fine. No blackout. I tried turning it back on, but it wouldn’t. I growled as I threw the remote at the TV, now I was really bored.
Later that night, I head down to Ana's apartment for our date. Her apartment was a few blocks away from mine. Unlike me, she lived on the top floor and her apartment was much cleaner and neater than mine. Even though we lived close to each other, we did not see each other much, we mostly just talked on the phone, well she did. I took the elevator up and went to her apartment door.
She opened the door even before I knock. "Hello!" she said as she smiled with that beautiful smile of hers. She was wearing a wonderful bright white dress that I bought for her a few months ago. It really brought out her make-up and her silky brown hair; she looked lovely. I smile back as I hand her the tulips. "Oh my god! Thank you!" she said as she took them and put them in a glass cup filled with water on the table where I assumed we were going to eat at."I knew you would bring some flowers. But not tulips! How did you know I liked them?" she asked. "Well, those clues you gave me were pretty obvious. And you told me the first day we met,” I replied. "Oh, ya," she blushed and acted like she was embarrassed, "That was so long ago I forgot," she said with a sigh, "Ya," was all that I could get out of my mouth.
I pulled out her chair as she sat down. I took the seat across from her, on our plates were spaghetti and a glass of water, not too fancy, seeing how we were both not the richest people in the world. "Ok, so yesterday," I started to tell her with a pause of silence, "I got fired from my job. And things have been weird ever since." I didn't want to talk about Sleth because it was to horrifying to talk about."Oh," Ana replied staring at the floor. "So, yesterday,” she said trying to raise my spirits, “…there was this guy on the street and he w-" is all I heard before my mind started stirring up about the proposal. It's all so strange, like a dream, or a fake world. It felt like my Sleth shouldn’t have died, that I shouldn’t have gotten fired. But I should be feeling that! Sleth was my best friend and that job paid well! But it felt stranger than normal. This was just all too strange for me.
After Ana stopped speaking I got up from my seat and on to my knee. Here it is, the moment that will change my life. I just hope that nothing will ever happen to ruin my life after this. Then I pulled out my box and opened it. Ana already knew that I wanted to marry her, just not today. "Oh, Richard, y-" she said before the ground shook, violently. We both fell to the ground, plates and glasses shattering. The ceiling blew off and the sky was bare, electricity and water started pouring out of the electricity wires and the sky. Ana was covered in water, but I was completely dry. I tried diving in to save her but then an electricity shot down and electrocuted her, I couldn’t do anything, and it was the end for Ana.
"ANA!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs but it sounded and felt all too quiet to me. I held her in my arms, and I shook her hoping there was still some life in her; just one little speck. I looked at her and my tears fell on her face and she opened her eyes ever so slightly and slowly. I could feel her breath getting colder, she put her arms around me trying to hug me but she was just too weak. I held her close and her mouth was near my ear, I could hear her last words just slightly, “Goodbye…” she muttered, shaking. Then she exhaled deeply, it was freezing, and she did not inhale again. She fell back in my arms like a ragdoll. I held her tighter than anything, hoping that she could feel me, feel my love. ”Don’t die….” I whispered in the deepest sorrow anyone could muster, “COME ON!!! PLEASE!!!” I yelled, but I knew she couldn’t hear me; she was dead, just like Sleth. I lied her down gently on the ground and closed her mouth that was still open. My tears dropped on her like rain hitting the ground. I stood up slowly, “Kill me now…” I whisper and there was a brief silence before my next words: "KILL ME NOW!!!" I yelled looking up at the sky as rain poured on my face, "COME ON!" I yelled again throwing my arms around; nothing happed, Ana was just lying there, and I bent down and wiped off the blood from her mouth and kissed her for the last time. The shaking started to slow down to a gentle stop. I looked at the table were we ate from and I shoved all of the plates and glasses on the floor shattering all of them when they hit the hard floor. My anger and depression was too much. I walked over to her bedroom and grabbed an old photo of us together, we were so happy then. More tears fell off my face as I looked up and examined all of the other photos on the dresser. I put the picture in my pocket as I walked out the door and walked home.
{Chapter 4- The Nightmare}
On the way home through the puddles of blood and water, broken glass, and violent shakings of the ground, I tried to think about what was going on. But I couldn't think straight with the picture of my dead girlfriend’s face in my head. The road was filled with crashed cars, paramedics trying to rescue as much survivors as they can, and fires all around; with News vans and people trying to get the story out. Most of the buildings were crumbled or had no windows with furniture falling out of the empty sockets. Apparently there was a huge tremor, but in Indy? I could see so many dead bodies lying under rubble or just on the ground. People were smashed, stabbed, and some were even splattered in different pieces across the ground; so gory…
My apartment complex was still standing and away from most of the chaos. The receptionist was making a ton of phone calls, once he saw me, he wrote my name down on a piece of paper. I went up to my room and nearly tore down my door. I walked into my bedroom and went to sleep, hoping for good rest, something to calm down my over-hyper nerves. Today was by far the worst day of my life, my best friend and my girlfriend died, my two best friends, my two ONLY friends. Not to mention I got fired yesterday. No job, no friends, nothing to live for. I didn’t know what to do what my life but suicide, there was nothing else to live for. But instead there was the nightmare…
The nightmare started like this: I was sitting on my couch watching TV. It was static like if my antenna was broken, but I don’t have one. Then the static morphed into a shadow figure appeared in the static. It started to become clearer, it was growing out of my TV! It stretched out of the TV and took the remote, and it pulled it in the TV. The figure had it in its hand I opened my mouth but nothing came out; not even a breath. I was scared, I knew it was a dream but I somehow couldn't wake from it. The figure was looking at me; it was neither a man, nor woman, but it still seemed human.
"Hello Richard,” it said and I jumped, it’s voice was confident and yet evil, I could tell this would not end well, “I have heard you just had the worst day of your life I assume, not to mention you got fired...” It scowled, and it started to sound like my old boss Kurt. “It is just a dream, it should know that stuff,” I thought. “You wonder why this is happening to you, I have the answers." It said at me. “Of course you would say that! You are just a dream; you would say that to make me feel better! You’re just a fragment of my imagination!”I said with confidence. "Hmph… You think this is just a dream? Well… it isn’t; well it is, but it is much more. Much, MUCH more…" the figure said and I somehow believed him. I felt strange, this was not a dream, this was real. I could make it out that the figure was smiling at me, even though its face was entirely black. “Before we continue I must tell you something before we continue, there are two worlds; the real one and the Mind world. You are currently in the real one,” it said with, I assume were its hands, clenched together like my old boss. He spun around in what appeared to be a plush chair, just like the ones in Mind Tower…
Then the figure stepped out of the television, it literally stepped out of the TV, and my jaw dropped like an anchor. It looked like my boss, Kurt, but taller and engulfed in darkness. I could see the darkness flow off its body and into the air were it dissipated. It pulled out a gun aiming at me."But you see, you can’t just run around the real world knowing that. If you die here, you will be erased from both worlds, forever." "But… why?" I said with a shaky voice, this was defiantly scary, defiantly a nightmare. "Because," it paused "you know now…" it pulled the trigger and the bullet nailed me in my chest. I looked down and saw the blood shoot out of my body and onto him. Even though he had no face, I assumed he was smiling sinisterly. I fell forwards off my couch and onto the floor, with a pool of blood around me…
{Chapter 5- World Rebooted}
I woke up from the nightmare and everything looked very normal; like nothing that happened last night happened. The sun was shining through my blinds; I stood up and looked out the window. There were cars driving on the roads, stores filled with customers, and the streets lined with people. "What the..." I said before my cell phone rang. I checked to see who was calling, and to my surprise, it was Ana! She was alive? I answered it and said; "Hello?" Hoping it was not only someone else who found her phone. "Richard," it was her alright "I wanted to thank you for the ring, I scheduled our wedding in exactly seven months. I’m so glad you asked yesterday, I was sort of having a bad day and you flipped it around! I love you," she said as I replied "I love you," back in a confused tone. I hung up thinking what the heck is going on. Didn’t Mr. Shadow say if I died in the “Real World” I would be erased from both?
I went into my kitchen and decided what to eat breakfast, and I no longer wanted to commit suicide. I ate breakfast and took a quick shower. I decided that I needed to get some fresh air, so I quickly put on some clean clothes with my jacket and I went outside for a stroll. “Was that dream real? It felt real, but didn’t the strange “figure” say if I died there I would die here? And he killed me…” I thought while walking and then it hit my mind, “If Ana is alive, maybe Sleth is too!” I got out my phone and called Sleth’s number. “Come on Sleth, come on!!!” I thought, and then someone picked up…
“Hello?” wait, this did not sound like Sleth, “I’m sorry, Sleth Slogan is diseased, we are terribly sorry…” the man said as if he was wanting me to say my name. “Oh,” I said and hung up. It didn’t make sense! If Ana is alive, why isn’t Sleth? During my walk, out of boredom, I went into the mall to just to browse; I didn’t have much money so I did not expect to buy anything.
While I was walking around the mall some guy, slightly shorter than me, stopped me and looked at me. "Hello, Richard," the man said panting as if he was out of breath. "How do you know my..." I said before he interrupted me and grabbed me by my jacket and forced me down to his body height and almost hugged me so I could hear him whisper in my ear, "Silence, you wonder why the world rebooted right?" "Um…," I said as if he was some crazy stranger who was drunk. He pulled me away so I could see his expression: not amused, "Well,” he said as he pulled me closer and looked around to see if anyone was looking and he whispered in my ear again, “Remember Richard, this isn't the real world. People are now hunting you down because you know that. Don't trust anyone, not a cashier, not a police man, not even a priest!" he said as he slipped some money into my hand. “Use this to buy a gun; you will need it to protect yourself, Richard. We need every man we have; don’t let them kill you. Go!” He said as he shoved me away and walked away looking like we never just had that conversation.
I looked back at the money he gave me. $1000! Why would anyone give a stranger $1000! Then I remembered he knew my name; this was no joke. “People hunting me, wanting to kill me, and I know.” I thought and I had a flashback to Sleth’s dead face. If it is true what this guy said to me. Will I end up like Sleth if I don’t protect myself? I looked around me, all around me. No one was staring, but two men in suits. I started to go in the opposite direction of them. Not wanting to turn my head to check on them. I left the mall and started to walk a bit faster to the nearest gun shop. It was a few blocks away but I made it before the men.
At the door to the gun shop I looked around to see if any more men were watching me. Lucky there wasn’t. I walked in the store and the store keeper stared at me without talking. I looked back at him and walked to his desk. “What do ya’ want?” he said to me with is yellow teeth. “Um… Just a gun… Please…” I said nervously, “Oh! And a holster too…” “That will be a total $950, want to get some spare ammo, all of it only for $1000?” the shopkeeper said at me while getting a pistol from a glass case. “Um… Yes…” I said as I hand him the $1000 bill. He snatched it and gave me my items. I put on the holster; it completely hid the gun under my jacket with all of my ammo too. I exited the store as the shopkeeper said, “Wait… do ya’ have a license?” I could see him look down at the money and he completely forgot about how I did not have a license.
{Chapter 6- Revenge, well, sort of}
I ambled out of the gun shop with the ammo, and the holster under my jacket. I decided to go home now; hopefully none of those guys have caught up with me. While outside on the street, some teen with his hood on bumped into me. "Hey!" I said as the strange teen just ignores me. He was heading in the direction to Mind Tower, my old job. I sighed and I turned around and headed back to my apartment, checking constantly to see if I was being followed.
Back in the hallway of my apartment I saw that Sleth’s old apartment’s door was open, I peeked inside it and saw another man, not Sleth, in it unpacking. He must have bought the room because he didn’t seem like a police man or someone relating to Sleth’s death. “Hey,” I said to him as I leaned in the doorway, “Oh, hi!” the man looked at me with a smile. “My name is George ****, nice to meet you,” he said with a pause as if we wanted to know my name.
“Richard Goley,” I said to George. “Welcome to the building,” I said with a nice smile.
“T-thanks,” he said nervously, “I’m just going to unpack now…” George said. “Well, if you need anything, I am right next door, see you around sometime.” I said and I left to my room.
Once I got into my apartment I put my holster on the table, with no gun. "Oh my god!" I whispered. I couldn't have left it anywhere! And it certainly couldn't just jump out of my holster and run away! Then I had a flashback to the nightmare, the shadow figure that looked and sounded like Kurt, and there was that teen who bumped into me, heading to Mind Tower. I grabbed my jacket and ran outside to take a cab to Mind Tower, where I would hopefully get some answers to some questions...
As I got out of the cab at Mind Tower; I looked up high at the skyscraper. Mind Tower was a symbol for our city, for our state, for our country. "This is it..." I whispered as I walked inside the building. Luckily for me, there was a newbie at the front desk. I showed him my old ID card from when I used to work here. He nodded and I went to the elevator so I could go to the top floor, “Control” everyone used to call it because Kurt worked up there along with most of the other big people in the company. I pushed the button and I got in the elevator along with a few other people who I assumed also worked here; the people who were around me stared at me strangely, like I was an alien to this world. "What?" I asked them, but they said nothing to me, they just continued to stare at me. I almost felt it, felt their eyes puncturing into me trying to examine every cell in my body to make sure I belonged here. “Jeez…" I said to them and they still continued to stare. Halfway to the top the elevator stopped and everyone in the elevator got out and walked to their offices, but they still continued to stare; even the people who were not in the elevator before got up and looked at me. What was wrong with these people?
I got out of the elevator when it reached the top floor and I walked through the complex maze of hallways to reach my destination: Kurt’s office, which took up about half the floor. When I got to his room I nearly kicked the door off its hinges. I looked in the room, and I saw Kurt’s chair facing the huge window in front of me. I scanned the huge room for anyone else; no one. "Ok! What is going on around here?" I said to Kurt. “Finally Richard, what took you so long?” Kurt said to me, still turned the other way in his chair. "What took me so long? You never sent me!" I yelled back to him. He chuckled a bit as I heard the pounding of footsteps coming this way. I turned around and saw all of the people in the elevator before and the newbie guard from the very first floor, they all looked at me like they did before, but this time I felt them; felt their evil trying to enter me. I knew that if I tried to go that way they would kill me. As I looked back I could see that the room suddenly filled up with men in black suits, they all looked identical, like clones. “Is, this yours?” Kurt said as he held up my gun in the air. "Yes! And I would really appreciate for you to give it back, now!" I almost yelled. "Come and get it…" he said as if he was playing with me. He turned around in his chair and I could feel my body swelling up in fear. I didn’t know why I was like this, I was normally not afraid of anything, let alone my boss. Why now? I looked at the gun and I scanned the guards. I then saw a guard who stuck out from the others, his face looked familiar. Upon further examination, I realized, it was Sleth’s face! But he is dead! He then winked at me, and I remembered the note, “…you are one of the last who know…” and I knew it too, this was the forged world. I then ran towards him, he was standing near the window, but in the middle of running he moved over my Kurt, and then I realized, he was Kurt! Kurt, the C.E.O. of Mind Towers was playing mind tricks with me. I ran up only to him only to find myself jumping out the window.
{Chapter 7- Spare Lives}
So there I was, falling to my doom. Many thoughts of what to do ran through my mind. One of them was to grip onto a window platform, but I assumed that the speed of the fall would just tear my hands clean off like butter. Then I thought of sliding down the side, but then the friction of my jeans to the windows at this speed would just set me on fire or something. And then I finally thought of landing on something soft, is concrete soft?
I had to take in that I was going to die. I sighed, “This is it,” I thought. I closed my eyes and thought about all of the good and fun times I had when I was younger. But it was too late because then I hit the ground; dead. The gates of heaven, here I come.
But then, I woke up on the ground in a blank world. There was nothing, literally! I assumed I was in the afterlife because of how there was nothing around me for miles; light-years maybe! It was just blank; nothing but me and some guy in a large, brown, trench coat with dark sunglasses and a fedora on. "Where am I?" I asked him as I got up from where I was laying, my head really hurt. "Nowhere," he said in a sort of confident tone, I already trusted him. “How can I be-“I said before he cut me off, “Nowhere? Well, we are somewhere but nowhere is how I can say it and still make sense to you. You just died, yes?" "Well, ya, it’s not really that hard to forget. Am I in the ‘real world’?" “Yes, this is the ‘real world’,” He said in a tone like he was mocking me, “Listen, you will get back, but you can't go back every time you die. You are like a… how can I put this? Uh… a video game character, you have a certain amount of lives and when it reaches zero,” he said with a pause making a zero shape with his hands, “Its game over for you."
"Ok so, how many 'lives' do I have?" I asked back. "Not much, 4 now," he said. He took off his glasses and looked back at me; "Sorry for no introduction, my name is Morpheus, nice to meet you Richard.”
{Chapter 8 - Right Where I Left Off}
Morpheus looked at me with a curious glare, “Now, we need to get you back to Earth, and don’t die on me again,” he said. “Ok… I guess I did try my best not to die, but seriously, can I get back to Earth now? I need to finish my business with some guy name Kurt.” I asked. “I know, I know… are you sure you really want to do this now? You don’t seem that ready yet.” He said, worrying about me, “Yeah yeah, just take me back,” I said back to him without paying much attention to what he was really saying. “Ok, then Richard, next stop, the elevator. See you soon,” he said. I got ready to be sent to the real world but then Morpheus said one last thing, “And Richard, all of those people you saw, they’re pure evil. Do not let them kill you,” he said as I reappeared in the elevator at Mind Tower; everyone was staring at me again.
I looked at them and thought of what Morpheus just told me. I stepped over to the controls to the elevator so no one could touch them. I then turned around and knocked out the person looking right at me. That’s when they all started to attack me. I ducked as some girl punched the controls so hard it broke them; all from one small girl! I then rolled under one of their legs as one guy tried to tackle me. I swiped my foot tripping the person right about to punch me. The last guy looked at me when I stood up. And then I just rammed into him knocking him so hard in the wall I could hear one of his bones breaking. I looked at the bodies and blood I created. And then they all started to fade out, into nothing. I trusted Morpheus when he said they were evil, because they were.
The elevator skips the floor all of the people would have gotten off so it takes me straight to the top. I walk back through the complex hallways into Kurt’s office, but two guards block the doorway, they weren’t there before. “Let me in!” I told them aggressively. “Do you have any business with Mr. Jones?” one of them asked. “Well, yes,” I replied I said with a blow to their faces simultaneously with my fists; unconscious, “To kill him,” I whispered to their bodies and spat on them. I reached down and picked up their guns and looked around me to see if anyone saw me. No one was standing in the lone hallway, doors leading to empty offices everywhere, one after another. “I wonder what it’s like to work up here, next to Kurt, horrible I suppose”. I needed to focus on my one and only goal: get information out of Kurt then kill him. I felt like this might end better than last time…
I decided to open the door normally, then, surprise! You’re dead! This is it, no holding back now. I put one of the guns on the ground and opened the door slowly. I picked the gun back up and hid both of them behind my back. I pushed the rest of the door open with my body looking around the room, amazed. There were many more guards than last time I came. Kurt knew; he knew I was coming, but how?
“Hey… how’s it goin’?” I said to them, playing around with them.
“Well, well. Look who came back.” Kurt said.
"Wait, how do you…” I said before he cut me off,
“Heh heh…” he chuckled, “It will hit you one day how I know, but the important thing now is that you know, and it really shouldn’t be like that,” he said shaking his head no. “You see, if you know, you’re in my way. And whoever is in my way gets killed. And those guns that you have behind your back won’t do it for me,” he said as he rose from his chair. “Now, say goodbye to who you loved, who is this Ana girl… Wow… That’s all? Man, I thought it be more. Well, at least almost no one will care when I kill you,” he said with a grin.
I was shocked, how could he know all of that by looking at me? This was all too weird for me and I pulled out my guns from behind my back and pointed them at him. I hear a cocking of guns coming from the guards. “Foolish, just foolish,” Kurt said. I ignored what he said and then I started to fire and scream at the top of my lungs, not regretting what I’m doing…
{ http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/1514690-erased-sci-fi-story-part-1/ }
{ http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/1514690-erased-sci-fi-story-part-1/ }
-X3fusion (AKA) Xefilis
It dosen't thats why it is in the off topic section.
Sure, as long as you make sure no one else copies it.
{ http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/1514690-erased-sci-fi-story-part-1/ }
"Depression, chaos, and rage
hashad been my life ever since I got fired."The next sentence is a pretty long one. I can say that it's a run-on sentence and you should just split it into two sentences. "...I forgot to turn in my big final on time[.] It was one of the most important papers..."
"He was stupid, sinister, cheap, rich, and overall a big pain in the butt." - I find this funny how you say he's cheap but then the next thing on the list is that he's rich xD (Maybe go for frugal?) And saying "pain in the butt" just doesn't have the nice effect as saying it's a pain in the ass. How about he was a pain in the neck?
"Normally when I walked home, to my apartment a few blocks away, I gave some money to the homeless[.] Now I just past them with my head down[.] I had no money to spare now that I lost my job; it will be a matter of time before rent is due." - Another run-on sentence. These are just suggestions, though. You can always put in semicolons ;P
I can see that you have some run-on sentences along with your changing of the tenses. I'm not gonna say anymore about those and talk to you about your story. Enough of me nitpicking, eh? Wait... I just read further more... and are you smudging the dialogues together? How dare you! You start a new paragraph after a dialogue. Easier for the readers to read.
"Oh, I’m just heading to Michigan to see my brother. He and his wife had a new baby boy," he responded.
"Oh, ok; say hi for me will you." I replied.
"Ok!" he said with a friendly smile as he headed down the hall to the elevator.
“Nothing bad can happen to that man,” I thought as I walked into my apartment. - Also, for dialogue, I think the man should say "Alright!" since it has a bit more of a flow into it.
Oh, goodness. You have the same way of describing the character's house as I do! *hugs*
At least you got the dialogue correct after this. The conversation's going great with his girlfriend. It's pretty fluent, until...
"'Ok, just seeing that you didn’t forget. I don’t want to waste my time and money on you, no
offenceoffense.'" - WHAT?! What kind of girlfriend says that kind of thing? Really?Yet he just replies nonchalantly? I'd slap that ho! Uhh... forget what I just mentioned.
"I hang up the phone as I walk into my bedroom and lie on my bed, falling asleep into a dreamless night." - And... that's the end of the first chapter. Also, this entire sentence is present tense. Are you going for past or present? Pick one.
I don't know what to say about this at the moment. The first chapter isn't really that much of an eye-candy. It's just your typical guy who recently got fired. We've seen this before (or techinically, read this before). I'm hoping, from your title, that this is about a man whose life has been erased completely or somewhere along that line. The only thing that I found amusing was the fact that his apartment's number is thirteen. So... I'm hoping (lol) that it gets a lot more interesting soon. In which case, I'll be reading the next chapter after I finish this post. I can see that you're trying to cram everything into our brain during the first chapter with you introducing Richard Goley and all, but you can do it throughout the story. You don't have a limit during a story. Sure... it might drag on, but that ain't a limit (you shouldn't be doing that, don't follow what I just wrote).
So aside from you trying to cram everything about Richard into my head, you're also cramming things into your sentences. Let them be their own sentences, don't smudge them all together. When you have two independent clause, put in a period, not a comma (or if you want, a semicolon).
I hope this helps out a bit. Just a fellow writer giving you a hand :]
EDIT: Another thing, the other thing that you can do for your run-on sentences is to add in such words like, "and, or, so, however, although, etc"
Well, except for the whole CAPITALIZATION ON PEOPLE YELLING. It's not a pretty sight. Remember that you're writing a story, not IMing your friends. It's okay to do that when chatting with others, but you're writing a story. By the way, I see what you did there on the last chapter with Richard going all like, "I'm sure nothing's gonna happen to Sleth."
Oohhhh, what is this about an orginazation?
First off thanks for this. I like it when people give a detailed response to my writing. There are a lot of errors because of my really lazy nature, so i normally let my friends proof read it. I'll be sure to edit those errors into this and my word document.
Before writing this I didn't really know that much to do with the story so it was mostly free write, but over time I have gotten much more serious about my writing and better at grammar and editing. Actually I have been pretty lazy about writing the 2nd part, and because of this comment I think i just might get back onto that
Again thanks for taking your time to write feedback.
{ http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/1514690-erased-sci-fi-story-part-1/ }