That would be nice, but what I'd really like is people wondering and guessing what will happen next. I'm actually was a little reluctant to use the ol' prophecy foreshadowing trick, but it's effective, and I'll probably won't use it again. I might have to edit it though, since I didn't really think it though and see if it'll be compatible to what I want in my plot.
I'll try to update every 2-3 days, since I'm sticking to short updates, but I can't gurentee that.
A proper review would be nice, but I'll not be exactly pleased if I get totally bashed. I actually rely on a lot of your guys support to get this finished for good. I want to finish this story, but I can't if I have no motivation.
Also, I will no longer be reporting on who is in my story. This is because some of the people I will protray I won't give them the nicest of roles or make them seem like good people. Remember, this is how I see you, not how you see yourself.
If you want to be a major character with actual lines, and significance to the plot, then PM me your bio. Perhaps tell me what role you would like in the story too. If you have any plot ideas or events you'll like in the story, post it in this thread. I'm trying to make the story have as much real life events, so if you want something [an event, or flame war, epic trolling, etc.] that happened in the forum, then could you provide a link showing me where it happened.
Thanks.
Okay, wait. Do you want me to give you a review or not? I won't be bashing it, but I'll probably be going through pretty much line-by-line, proofreading and making suggestions. Don't worry, I'll stick to constructive criticism if you want.
It's a pretty good story, but the writing could be improved. For example, you repeat "Sharon" a lot, and that can get tedious. You should replace it with synonyms and pronouns often so you don't have to say her name in two sentences in a row :3
Also a few grammar errors here and there, but nothing that really distracts from the story :3
All in all, I enjoyed it :biggrin.gif:
You realize that the day after you said that, I had a english class on how to recognize synomyms and pronouns for what they actually mean.
...You're not conspiring with my english teacher, are you?
I unfortunately cannot update today, because I have a lot of homework to do and I didn't get back home until it was really late. So I'll try and fix some errors, and I'll change the word "prophecy" into "warning", because it makes a lot more sense, and fits the definition of warning better for me. I'm also going to change some lines of the warning, just because there are some plot-related descions that I scribbled out, due to the fact that it's like, blatent rip-off. There are some good story ideas I've seen, but I think it's better if I come up with some good ideas of my own. I know it's frustrating, but I promise that this will be the only time it'll happen.
I'll also do some grammar and spelling checks.
Also, I would be tickled if someone would draw up any concept art or illustrations. It would be cool if someone tried to draw the main character... I will also try to provide some kind of visual description of the main character in the story. Not too much though, because you need to use your imaginations too.
Okay, wait. Do you want me to give you a review or not? I won't be bashing it, but I'll probably be going through pretty much line-by-line, proofreading and making suggestions. Don't worry, I'll stick to constructive criticism if you want.
Give me a chance to let me proofread, let my friend and her mother proofread, and let my english teacher proofread, and I'll let you do it. I don't want to get critized for a simple grammar mistake that should have been fixed in the sloppy effort I call editing. :tongue.gif:
Also there's some minor plot inconsistancies I'd like to fix first. (I'll show you the changes) Remember I'm still typing this up as we go, so I don't have a whole lot of time to edit before you start wondering where's the next part.
Edit: Fixed minor grammar mistakes, and changed the prophecy/warning, and named the Lady who Runs the Coffee-shop-van. Also updated.
I thank thee for you patience. I am very sorry that this update took so long but I lacked a lot of inspiration, until just now, and I had a pretty hellish week at school. Homework after homework after homework. AHHH!
I fixed a few mistakes I didn't see before, and I added a quote to the beginnning of Book 1. Soon, I'll hopefully add some concept art, like a banner/illustraion of what Adelaide actually looks like.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
[12:41] Coffeeeeeee!
---
[16:29] "And lo, the tacos were delicious"
Wow, nothing more to say, this is more impressive than my own writing.
I thought Shairn (I'm assuming is Sharon) was a guy. At least, that's what he said on that thread where you posted your real life pictures. :blink.gif:
Alright, now that I'm done reading: there is no negative critique on your writing. Your choice of word is excellent to say the least. The story line is very clever, portraying the forums as if they were Detroit (Seriously, you practically explained Detroit... I would know).
Might I suggest something for the story?
Some plot twists, like traitors, whose purpose is because of a flame war or something. eg: A moderator going against moderators in a pony flame war because they are a brony
Another thing is flame wars, which is sort of already explained above. I'm not sure what the person found out, but something tells me it will lead to a war.
Which brings me to how to illustrate a flame war: FIRE!!!EVERYWHERE!!!AHAHAHA! Fire, booby traps on posts, etc. creativity is the essence of a writer's mind
Hope for the update soon! :smile.gif:
(also, spambot stuff will really add on to the story in a humerous way even, depending on how you illustrate the bot in the story. keyword: bot)
A thousand apologies for making you wait so long. I had the story proof-read by a journalist, and I went though and changed a LOT in the story. I added some more scenic description, and changed the names of places so it could appeal to a wider audience. I suggest reading through Section 1 at least, since that's the place with the most editing done. Sometime soon, I'll post some artwork for you to goggle at.
There is one more section left before the end of Part 1. I feel so accomplished! :biggrin.gif:
Here are the different name changes:
Forumica: Fossoars
Offtopica: Temere
New Deichato: Petra
Central square: Petra forum
I can't say when the next part will be up. If I say a date, and the next section doesn't get posted by that time, I'll be disappoint a lot of people. :/
How about 'soon enough'?
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
[12:41] Coffeeeeeee!
---
[16:29] "And lo, the tacos were delicious"
I would get my stories proof read, but I'm just too lazy. In fact, the only non lazy thing I do is run around the neighborhood like a maniac (conditioning for track next season).
Now thats more like it!
I love descriptive text, it takes you to places that exist only in words...
Need to hide your sniper in the shadows though. We dont know who it is, character don't know either. Just because you can show us whats going on inside their head don't mean you should show us a face at all, even without a description.
That is my only complaint with the story so far...
Now thats more like it!
I love descriptive text, it takes you to places that exist only in words...
Need to hide your sniper in the shadows though. We dont know who it is, character don't know either. Just because you can show us whats going on inside their head don't mean you should show us a face at all, even without a description.
That is my only complaint with the story so far...
Uh...do you mean that you prefer it as when the sniper was just a distant figure, not very important, except add a little bit of drama to the beginning? Or that I should have described the physical looks of the sniper? I don't really know what you mean...
Hm... the Sniper is a flat character, more symbolic then an actual character. I only added that little bit of narrative because it showed something important to the story's plot that you can't really understand, but the way how the secondary characters act, they can understand, even if you [the reader], and Adelaide doesn't.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
[12:41] Coffeeeeeee!
---
[16:29] "And lo, the tacos were delicious"
Okay, wait. Do you want me to give you a review or not? I won't be bashing it, but I'll probably be going through pretty much line-by-line, proofreading and making suggestions. Don't worry, I'll stick to constructive criticism if you want.
You heard that, green and red.
You realize that the day after you said that, I had a english class on how to recognize synomyms and pronouns for what they actually mean.
...You're not conspiring with my english teacher, are you?
I unfortunately cannot update today, because I have a lot of homework to do and I didn't get back home until it was really late. So I'll try and fix some errors, and I'll change the word "prophecy" into "warning", because it makes a lot more sense, and fits the definition of warning better for me. I'm also going to change some lines of the warning, just because there are some plot-related descions that I scribbled out, due to the fact that it's like, blatent rip-off. There are some good story ideas I've seen, but I think it's better if I come up with some good ideas of my own. I know it's frustrating, but I promise that this will be the only time it'll happen.
I'll also do some grammar and spelling checks.
Also, I would be tickled if someone would draw up any concept art or illustrations. It would be cool if someone tried to draw the main character... I will also try to provide some kind of visual description of the main character in the story. Not too much though, because you need to use your imaginations too.
Give me a chance to let me proofread, let my friend and her mother proofread, and let my english teacher proofread, and I'll let you do it. I don't want to get critized for a simple grammar mistake that should have been fixed in the sloppy effort I call editing. :tongue.gif:
Also there's some minor plot inconsistancies I'd like to fix first. (I'll show you the changes) Remember I'm still typing this up as we go, so I don't have a whole lot of time to edit before you start wondering where's the next part.
Edit: Fixed minor grammar mistakes, and changed the prophecy/warning, and named the Lady who Runs the Coffee-shop-van. Also updated.
[12:41] Coffeeeeeee!
---
[16:29] "And lo, the tacos were delicious"
Same here ^^
I couldn't help but smile when joe peec came :smile.gif:
don't click this link...
My favorite thing so far was the part when Semira calls the protagonist Star-Child. I'm looking forward to the next installment :happy.gif:
I fixed a few mistakes I didn't see before, and I added a quote to the beginnning of Book 1. Soon, I'll hopefully add some concept art, like a banner/illustraion of what Adelaide actually looks like.
[12:41] Coffeeeeeee!
---
[16:29] "And lo, the tacos were delicious"
I thought Shairn (I'm assuming is Sharon) was a guy. At least, that's what he said on that thread where you posted your real life pictures. :blink.gif:
Alright, now that I'm done reading: there is no negative critique on your writing. Your choice of word is excellent to say the least. The story line is very clever, portraying the forums as if they were Detroit (Seriously, you practically explained Detroit... I would know).
don't click this link...
Although on top of buildings... Come on with a town like this lots of people have eyes in the sky. Now go flying monkeys and Phoenixs
Some plot twists, like traitors, whose purpose is because of a flame war or something. eg: A moderator going against moderators in a pony flame war because they are a brony
Another thing is flame wars, which is sort of already explained above. I'm not sure what the person found out, but something tells me it will lead to a war.
Which brings me to how to illustrate a flame war:
FIRE!!!EVERYWHERE!!!AHAHAHA!Fire, booby traps on posts, etc. creativity is the essence of a writer's mindHope for the update soon! :smile.gif:
(also, spambot stuff will really add on to the story in a humerous way even, depending on how you illustrate the bot in the story. keyword: bot)
don't click this link...
Overall, good story!
#AntiSec
Looking forward to what comes next! :smile.gif:
A thousand apologies for making you wait so long. I had the story proof-read by a journalist, and I went though and changed a LOT in the story. I added some more scenic description, and changed the names of places so it could appeal to a wider audience. I suggest reading through Section 1 at least, since that's the place with the most editing done. Sometime soon, I'll post some artwork for you to goggle at.
There is one more section left before the end of Part 1. I feel so accomplished! :biggrin.gif:
Here are the different name changes:
Forumica: Fossoars
Offtopica: Temere
New Deichato: Petra
Central square: Petra forum
I can't say when the next part will be up. If I say a date, and the next section doesn't get posted by that time, I'll be disappoint a lot of people. :/
How about 'soon enough'?
[12:41] Coffeeeeeee!
---
[16:29] "And lo, the tacos were delicious"
And nice part. nothing special to say about it.
LOL. I've seen that splash twice after I started writing the story. :tongue.gif:
Also, I've thought more carefully about the characters of Adelaide and Sharon...
[12:41] Coffeeeeeee!
---
[16:29] "And lo, the tacos were delicious"
I love descriptive text, it takes you to places that exist only in words...
Need to hide your sniper in the shadows though. We dont know who it is, character don't know either. Just because you can show us whats going on inside their head don't mean you should show us a face at all, even without a description.
That is my only complaint with the story so far...
Uh...do you mean that you prefer it as when the sniper was just a distant figure, not very important, except add a little bit of drama to the beginning? Or that I should have described the physical looks of the sniper? I don't really know what you mean...
Hm... the Sniper is a flat character, more symbolic then an actual character. I only added that little bit of narrative because it showed something important to the story's plot that you can't really understand, but the way how the secondary characters act, they can understand, even if you [the reader], and Adelaide doesn't.
[12:41] Coffeeeeeee!
---
[16:29] "And lo, the tacos were delicious"