I have had this story in my head for a while and have decided to post it here, so here ya go!
Chapter 1: The dream
Steve woke up in his bed in the middle of the night and broke into cold sweat, he just had a dream, going out of the city, into the wild, the creepers chased him up against a chunk error, he was ready to die and when the infamous SSSS played he saw a man, just a man with pure white eyes, and he woke up. His wife brenda woke up "Steve, are you OK?" she asked him. He replied "I-i had a-" he thought for a moment, "its nothing..." He didn't want to ridicule her with a dream that meant nothing, and they went to sleep.
It was morning, Steve got out of bed and went downstairs. Steve was an average sized man, with brown hair and was growing a beard, he worked in a mine and had a farm that he would supply his family with and was an avid mod user. His wife was a blond haired average sized woman who believed creepers just need to be hugged, an idea Steve disagreed with. He could smell bacon in the furnace and sat down at the table with his kids, "Daddy you like like you saw a HIM!" his son steve jr. said, "Now Jr. your father had a rough night, of course he looks like that." Brenda said, walking into the room with food for them and she set the food down for all of them, "Aww mommy pork and bread again? Thats the fifth time this week!" whined Steve's daughter jessica as she attemped to eat it, with disgust of course. His son and daughter were identical twins, they thought alike as much as they looked alike. "Now Jessica i'm sure Mr. Notch is making a new kind of food right now, speaking of Notch honey, you should be at work in... 5 minutes! Steve looked at his watch,she was right! "Uh oh! Uhh bye kids!" He stuffed his inventory full of pork and ran through the door, he got in his minecart and went to the mine, only to be greeted by his boss, "Steve, your late. It does not matter though, our main route got blocked anyways, looks like you will be heading that way," he pointed at a newly dug hole labled "ROUTE KAPPA: NO TORCHES MINE AT YOUR OWN RISK". "We got a big report of diamond in there, and possibly a dungeon!" And so Steve went in. End of chapter one.
Tell me how i could improve on this, and tell me how you like it.
Chapter 2: Kappa
Steve planted torches everywhere, worried that he will bump into the spawner and be killed, as he mined a piece of gold he heard walking, he turned around and saw cobblestone that he did not place, he mined it and what greeted him? A creeper, he ran up the mine but he heard an explosion, and it went black.
Steve woke up in the hospital, his family was surrounding him "Steve! Thank notch your OK!" exclaimed brenda as she kissed Steve. Steve heard his boss say "That dungeon must of took something out of ya, oh wait, it did!" He laughed, Steve's boss was a huge muscley man who thought more about mining then anything else, some say when he was younger he found an entire cave made of diamond and could not stop thinking about finding another."Well, what does the doctor say, will i be good?" Steve asked. "He said walk it off." Replied brenda. So steve's boss lifted him out and put him on the floor. "Go take the day off, i'll handle the dungeon." And he left the room. Steve grabbed his stuff and followed his family out, "Steve don't get into the cart, go take a walk, see you at home!" and she went off.
Steve walked around town, he saw people yelling about herobrine and people showing off the strange landmasses they found. As steve wandered around he looked into Notch's building, and from there he saw the man from his dream, the same white eyed ghostly man.
This story offends my delicate constitution in several ways.
Okay, I lied. My constitution is far from delicate, and it offends in more than several ways.
I think it's best that we go through the first chapter, bit by bit. This is kinda a necropost, but I'll do it anyway, simply because there's a lot to be learned here.
I'll start off by saying that by no means am I really good at writing, and while correcting this, I may make mistakes. Feel free, anyone, to correct me, or berate me.
Chapter 1: The dream
Steve woke up in his bed in the middle of the night and broke into cold sweat,
Already, we have a problem. There should really be a fullstop instead of a comma there.
he just had a dream, going out of the city, into the wild, the creepers chased him up against a chunk error, he was ready to die and when the infamous SSSS played he saw a man, just a man with pure white eyes, and he woke up.
This bit is badly paced. It's a single, run on sentence with an overuse of commas and a lack of description. I could also correct some of the sentence structure, such as "had a dream where he traveled out of the city" instead of the wording you used. Part of the problem with your story is a lack of descriptive or imaginative language.
You often repeat words unesecarily and there is a definate lack in complex words. Much of the language used is simplistic, which is exactly the opposite of what you want in a fanfiction. You've got a premade setting, and where you want to shine is your portrayal of the events in that setting.
A word to the setting, by the way. It seems to be contain elements of fourth-wall breaking, such as the chunk errors, and herobrine, and notch, and the inventory screen, but I can understand where you're coming from. It's a little abrasive, as others have said, and you might want to tone it down. Maybe make them less aware that they are, in fact, in a game/simulation? However that's just a matter of personal choice.
I'll skip ahead further into the story, since you have a decent enough grasp of dialouge, although, as mentioned before, starting a new line when a character speaks is a good rule of thumb.
Steve was an average sized man, with brown hair and was growing a beard, he worked in a mine and had a farm that he would supply his family with and was an avid mod user.
It would read better if you structured it such:
"Steve was an average sized man with brown hair, the begginings of a beard, and a stocky build from working in the mines and on the farm, which supplied his family"
While not a perfect sentence, it clearly demonstrates showing, not telling. You don't have to state everything as a "he worked/he did/he went". You can refer to things, and describing features can lead on to other things.
Also, once again, your use of commas is flawed. You don't use 'and' after a comma. the comma takes the place of the 'and', so you can make lists. Take a look at these examples:
He packed an axe and a shovel and a bear and a fish and a wellington boot.
He packed an axe, shovel, bear, fish and a wellington boot.
The commas take the place of the ands, as well as a lot of other joining words.
Take note of that.
Steve looked at his watch,she was right! "Uh oh! Uhh bye kids!" He stuffed his inventory full of pork and ran through the door, he got in his minecart and went to the mine,
The first sentence is good, as is the dialouge, no complaints there. The second start off well, but again grinds to a halt when you reach the commas. that 'he' after the comma breaks the flow of the sentence. It would read much smoother WITHOUT the 'he'.
Also, may I reccomend something? Never, ever, ever use the phrase 'and he went'.
The word 'went' is like 'got'. They're redundant words, with so many other possibilities that using them is a cop out. they sound bland, nondescriptive and irritating. Always search for an alternative, such as:
"and sped off to the mine"
"and soared away with all the grace and form of a deckchair"
Never, ever use went or got.
"Steve, your late. It does not matter though, our main route got blocked anyways, looks like you will be heading that way," he pointed at a newly dug hole labled "ROUTE KAPPA: NO TORCHES MINE AT YOUR OWN RISK". "We got a big report of diamond in there, and possibly a dungeon!" And so Steve went in. End of chapter one.
Your is not you're. There are a lot of common mistakes, and this is one of them. Avoid it like the plauge.
Their/there/they're is also one of them. Just an fyi.
I've not much to say on the boss's speaking.
No, I lie again.
He alternates between formal, "it does not matter, though" and abrupt coloquialization which might actually be a spelling mistake: "anyways". Anyways is not a word. Not to me.
A better structure would be:
It doesn't matter though, because our main route has been (not GOT! Don't use GOT!) blocked. You're going to have to do down this way instead"
Got. Don't use got. Or went, as in "And so Steve went in".
Or "and so".
they're all cop-outs. Use alternative, more creative language. Describe how he felt, the manner in which he proceeded.
Examples? Of course.
"And thus ( I love that word) Steve ventured into the dark, roughly hewn shaft."
"Given no choice, Steve took his first cautious steps into the blackness"
"Aprehensively, he peered into the mine, steeling himself for the descent"
variety is the spice of life, or in this case, storytelling.
If you want, I can go over the second part, but I don't have a huge amount to add.
Watch those commas, and better luck in the future, eh?