Hello, writers! This story is part of Minefic: Legacy. This is a story list where you can apply your stories so everyone can see it even better! Simply click the link and fill out an application and see how helpful it is yourself! Until then, happy writing!
Hello, glad I could tell you your story. Anyways, grab a chair, pull it up, and get comfortable. Where shall we start? Oh, I know where, the place where it begun. Starting with you and your two friends.
So, you were in your training mission, when all of the sudden. A pink orb appeared in the sky, out of it, came a weird creature, that had three heads. It was entirely black. One of your friends scanned it and his screen only displayed static.
"That thing isn't from here!" he said, his name was Mark.
"Where is it from then?" your sister, Amy, said as a blue skull hurled at Mark.
"I, don't know, but, this hurts!" he said, his skin weirdly peeling off as more skulls (Black this time.) hurled at him.
"Uggh, where's a Vanguard when you need 'em?" you said, as I landed in front of you, clad in jelly armor, with a Acheron and a Umbra Driver.
"Here," I responded.
So, I was in my ship, when, all of the sudden, there was extreme danger on cradle!
"Set a course for cradle! NOW!" I yelled at the AI.
"ETA: 1 hour," the AI responded.
"Hyperdrive!" I yelled at it.
"Password please." it responded yet again.
"****" I said. (I'm not telling you that password.)
"Scanning..." it said "Password, accepted. ETA: 20 seconds."
In 20 seconds, I arrived, and I jumped down in front of you as you were saying "When you need 'em."
"Here" I responded.
After reading Cyber's brilliant critique I might act harsh upon you, so don't take it seriously. I'm just frenetic regarding his idea.
I. Second-Person Text.
First person is commonly used to narrate history as the character's emotions can be taken more profoundly, hence giving an extra feeling to the reader. Third person texts are mostly made to prevent not using a neutral opinion that most likely allows the reader to decide about his thoughts, although it will obviously express the character's emotion. Second person is the most difficult style of writing, and it becomes a masterpiece if done perfectly. Unfortunately, I can't say so of your story.
You start in a relaxed and rather learned language style of writing, which simply modifies as the story commences. This is a major mistake, pal. You have to proceed in a lean-back form, which the lack of details doesn't allow the reader to feel said emotion.
II. Description
he story lacks in detail; and by details I mean narrator's opinions and, well, details. Remember, he is apparently friendly. Whenever you are telling someone a tale, you will most likely use simple words, a hardly-understandable form of describing things (e.g. rather than saying 'large and motionless as the carcass of a whale' the term would be 'it was big, big as a dead whale') or perhaps a different form and once again, we'll return to the details part. It's difficult to describe. Instead, I'll add an example:
"That thing isn't from here!" he said, his name was Mark.
This is a told narration, therefore, this seems quite monotonous and rather peculiar. The storyteller is extremely lean-back, and for this it is very likely he won't say said phrase. He would say something on this form:
There was a guy close to it, remember it? His name was Mark and, well, he was pretty startled. I could say this by the gaze in his eyes! Poor Mark! Hahahaha. But anyway, he stared at it, incredulous like heck, and said: "That thing isn't from here!"
See? This sounds as this case second person. I'm not saying you're doing it wrong, I am saying you should perform in a better manner. Just another quick and important note: the above statement is assuming that my description for the storyteller is correct.
III. Detail, Pt. 2
So, a dude came up with an Acheron and an Umbra Diver. What the heck is an Acheron? What the heck is an Umbra Diver? There was a pink orb falling from the sky. Nice! Now, how big is that ball? Does it have a trail of gases that resembles to a long fire? Is it scary? Frightening? Perhaps small? The colour is attractive? You are on a training mission. Where is that mission located? How is the environment surrounding the character? How does the other characters look like? What is the screen Mark said about? How comes a vanguard soldier appear amongst a training mission, as if he had knowledge of the future? Responding to these questions in a casual form will surely guarantee interest.
A pink orb appeared on the sky, and out of it, came a weird creature that had three heads blahblahblahblahblah "Here" I responded.
Becomes:
You were having fun doing your training. I wasn't there at the moment, but I can guarantee that. I remember back in the day when I was training ... it was so much fun! But, here we go. A huge, pink fireball appeared on the sky and crossed it as any other meteor would do. However, something very, very awkward happened: out of it came a triple-headed monster. It had three heads, it was amazing! I bet you were startled. Mark was, and so Amy was. You were muttering about vanguard soldiers being absent on their most important times, and I've appeared. I bet you were, all like, 'Woah, I did a goddamn mistake!' or something like that. Haven't you?
---
This has a future, I can tell it. As long as you improve your style of writing, this will be around for a couple of months.
P.s.: Instead of adding minute details, try to state the narrator's opinion. That will be quite enjoyable to read.
Okay then. Just... Fix it up a little bit, make sure you can add the details, dialogues and etc... needed. As long as you can keep it balanced, it should all be fine. It does look kind of hard, because you kind of putting us in the main characters's 'shoes.'
So, you were in your training mission, when all of the sudden. A pink orb appeared in the sky, out of it, came a weird creature, that had three heads. It was entirely black. One of your friends scanned it and his screen only displayed static.
"That thing isn't from here!" he said, his name was Mark.
"Where is it from then?" your sister, Amy, said as a blue skull hurled at Mark.
"I, don't know, but, this hurts!" he said, his skin weirdly peeling off as more skulls (Black this time.) hurled at him.
"Uggh, where's a Vanguard when you need 'em?" you said, as I landed in front of you, clad in jelly armor, with a Acheron and a Umbra Driver.
"Here," I responded.
"Set a course for cradle! NOW!" I yelled at the AI.
"ETA: 1 hour," the AI responded.
"Hyperdrive!" I yelled at it.
"Password please." it responded yet again.
"****" I said. (I'm not telling you that password.)
"Scanning..." it said "Password, accepted. ETA: 20 seconds."
In 20 seconds, I arrived, and I jumped down in front of you as you were saying "When you need 'em."
"Here" I responded.
Hopefully you liked it. anyways, criticize, leave a suggestion, eat a cookie, etc.
Other than that, looks good!
I. Second-Person Text.
First person is commonly used to narrate history as the character's emotions can be taken more profoundly, hence giving an extra feeling to the reader. Third person texts are mostly made to prevent not using a neutral opinion that most likely allows the reader to decide about his thoughts, although it will obviously express the character's emotion. Second person is the most difficult style of writing, and it becomes a masterpiece if done perfectly. Unfortunately, I can't say so of your story.
You start in a relaxed and rather learned language style of writing, which simply modifies as the story commences. This is a major mistake, pal. You have to proceed in a lean-back form, which the lack of details doesn't allow the reader to feel said emotion.
II. Description
he story lacks in detail; and by details I mean narrator's opinions and, well, details. Remember, he is apparently friendly. Whenever you are telling someone a tale, you will most likely use simple words, a hardly-understandable form of describing things (e.g. rather than saying 'large and motionless as the carcass of a whale' the term would be 'it was big, big as a dead whale') or perhaps a different form and once again, we'll return to the details part. It's difficult to describe. Instead, I'll add an example:
"That thing isn't from here!" he said, his name was Mark.
This is a told narration, therefore, this seems quite monotonous and rather peculiar. The storyteller is extremely lean-back, and for this it is very likely he won't say said phrase. He would say something on this form:
There was a guy close to it, remember it? His name was Mark and, well, he was pretty startled. I could say this by the gaze in his eyes! Poor Mark! Hahahaha. But anyway, he stared at it, incredulous like heck, and said: "That thing isn't from here!"
See? This sounds as this case second person. I'm not saying you're doing it wrong, I am saying you should perform in a better manner. Just another quick and important note: the above statement is assuming that my description for the storyteller is correct.
III. Detail, Pt. 2
So, a dude came up with an Acheron and an Umbra Diver. What the heck is an Acheron? What the heck is an Umbra Diver? There was a pink orb falling from the sky. Nice! Now, how big is that ball? Does it have a trail of gases that resembles to a long fire? Is it scary? Frightening? Perhaps small? The colour is attractive? You are on a training mission. Where is that mission located? How is the environment surrounding the character? How does the other characters look like? What is the screen Mark said about? How comes a vanguard soldier appear amongst a training mission, as if he had knowledge of the future? Responding to these questions in a casual form will surely guarantee interest.
A pink orb appeared on the sky, and out of it, came a weird creature that had three heads blahblahblahblahblah "Here" I responded.
Becomes:
You were having fun doing your training. I wasn't there at the moment, but I can guarantee that. I remember back in the day when I was training ... it was so much fun! But, here we go. A huge, pink fireball appeared on the sky and crossed it as any other meteor would do. However, something very, very awkward happened: out of it came a triple-headed monster. It had three heads, it was amazing! I bet you were startled. Mark was, and so Amy was. You were muttering about vanguard soldiers being absent on their most important times, and I've appeared. I bet you were, all like, 'Woah, I did a goddamn mistake!' or something like that. Haven't you?
---
This has a future, I can tell it. As long as you improve your style of writing, this will be around for a couple of months.
P.s.: Instead of adding minute details, try to state the narrator's opinion. That will be quite enjoyable to read.
Kind of? It's really hard!
EDIT: Actually, thinking of chapter names is harder.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOH GOD, OH GOD NO, YOU DIDN'T DO THAT, DID YOU?
Wat?
Although, I see you are working hard, and that's what counts. Try making the chapters a little longer. ~No support~ Sorry