While it says that it will delete the folder upon exit, it does not. Manually deleting it is futile, as this runs immediately before the game tries to launch:
I even tried clearing out my entire .minecraft folder to find the error persisted. I also enabled minidumps for BSOD to see if that would enable it for my client version of windows.
Looking around the web leads me to believe that the minidump error can be fixed by updating one's graphics drivers. However, I am running a Surface Pro with a custom Intel HD 4000; it is advised, on Intel's website, that anyone running custom graphics cards should not try to update manually.
Any advice on getting around this nonsense?