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#1

rladngus

Posted 26 December 2012 - 01:28 AM

When my brother was in high school, he was a little timid and overweight but he was also compliant and respectful to our parents. He then joined the ROTC program in his college. 2 years later, he comes back home and tells us that he wants to enlist in the Army, full-time. It was quite a bit of shock, to be honest, but we got over it. It's fine with us. But something about him also changed. He's downright disrespectful towards our parents. I have this feeling in my gut that he's even slightly hateful towards our mother. Mother cooks for him, shelters him, does his laundry, and generally does what a mother can for her son. Yet, when she tries to be nice and friendly, he shrugs her off like she's an annoying little kid, with that "­   off" kind of attitude.

Every time our mother cooks dinner and calls him out to eat, he finishes his meal in less than 10 minutes, as if he hates sitting down with the rest of us, much less talk with us. When our father asks about anything about his life, his typical response is "it's none of your business" (doesn't say it literally, but the tone and attitude is clearly there). Our parents worry about him, they worry that he might be dragged off to battle and come back crippled or worse. They are concerned for him, but my brother takes their concerns as an insult, always telling them rather angrily to mind their own business, that it's his decision and he doesn't care what they think. He has no regard and respect for the concerns of our parents.

I'm afraid that I can't simply approach him and try to talk things out. I know my brother. That kind of approach will make him aggressive, possibly provoke a fight between us. The thing is that he holds a special grudge against me. It's understandable, because I'm the older brother and I've used that status to abuse him when we were mere children. It's the one thing that I regret the most. Because of my maltreatment, our parents constantly tried to discipline us since we were little - by hitting us, by using fear. I don't blame them. They didn't know any better. They only meant good, but sadly it hasn't had the same effect on my brother as it had on me. Because of the kind of punishment we got early in our lives, I feel that my brother hates our family, and me especially. And I think that this is partly the reason he joined the Army. Our parents didn't want him to, but he did it to spite them, even if it means risking his life.

What can I do about this? My parents work long and hard to provide for us. When they return home, they should only be happy. They deserve that. But my brother doesn't make it easy for them, especially for my mother. His reaction to her causes misery for her. I can see it. I'm sure he can too, and I'm sure he's enjoying that to some extent. How do I deal with this?

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#2

Subaca
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Posted 26 December 2012 - 02:43 AM

This is really sad, but I'm sure Minecraft Forums isn't the best place to get help...

#3

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Posted 26 December 2012 - 03:09 AM

He probably got kicked out of ROTC if he's frustrated and enlisting.

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#4

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Posted 26 December 2012 - 03:26 AM

What's this about the Army being such a bad thing? Full-time enlistment is quite honorable. Hopefully, your brother becomes a great and healthy soldier, shapes up, and everything will be fine again.

I know it isn't that easy. I know I can't feel what you feel. Just acknowledge that you're not really going to change him. I quote a brony: "Love and tolerance, brothers and sisters, love and tolerance."

May he love you again one day!

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#5

rladngus

Posted 26 December 2012 - 05:24 AM

As if I didn't have enough family problems already, my parents had a pretty big fight just now. It got so ugly that my mother is spending the night in the living room, away from my father. Why is this happening...

#6

Squidling

Posted 26 December 2012 - 05:37 AM

Sometimes everything just falls apart around you, and there is nothing you can do about it. Just keep strong and wait for things to get better.

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#7

deaththekid416
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Posted 26 December 2012 - 05:48 AM

sat least he isnt a psyco murderer who does drugs
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#8

Idris
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Posted 26 December 2012 - 05:50 AM

Personally, I would try to ball up to him and tell him "look. Being enlisted in the army means that if you get deployed, you could potentially never come back. Do you really want your parents, who brought you up in a healthy household, graciously cooked you dinner every night, etc, think that you were filled with hate for them at the time of their death?"

You've probably already tried this approach with your brother, but that is just what I would do if I were you.
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#9

XenoFace
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Posted 26 December 2012 - 10:29 AM

Random question - how old is he?

#10

Doctapper
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Posted 26 December 2012 - 02:55 PM

If he disrespects your parents like that, he'll be useless in the army.

Show him this message, because I know if you back chat to someone important in the army, you're done for.

Also, if you want him to have more discipline, make him join the Legion.

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#11

ShawnEyBoy
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Posted 30 December 2012 - 07:55 AM

Maybe something happened to him while he was away for college. Maybe he has a secret that is frustrating him.
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#12

Acetyl
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Posted 30 December 2012 - 08:32 AM

I'm going to respond to the paragraphs in order.  So it'll all build on itself.

View Postrladngus, on 26 December 2012 - 01:28 AM, said:

When my brother was in high school, he was a little timid and overweight but he was also compliant and respectful to our parents. He then joined the ROTC program in his college. 2 years later, he comes back home and tells us that he wants to enlist in the Army, full-time. It was quite a bit of shock, to be honest, but we got over it. It's fine with us. But something about him also changed. He's downright disrespectful towards our parents. I have this feeling in my gut that he's even slightly hateful towards our mother. Mother cooks for him, shelters him, does his laundry, and generally does what a mother can for her son. Yet, when she tries to be nice and friendly, he shrugs her off like she's an annoying little kid, with that "­   off" kind of attitude.
He went to college.  Now he needs to prove how independent he is, and prove he exists.  The easiest way for him to achieve that is to alienate himself, from his own humanity and emotions.  "Mother is the first other", part of his mind might see his past and current dependency through her.  He's just trying to define himself and do what he sees as carving out a place in the world.  Chances are, after he's done seeing what the military entails, he'll have seen enough of what the real world actually is; in relation to himself and his emotions.  If he survives, which statistically, he will.  Sometimes people just need to gather an experience set, or see something with their own eyes.

View Postrladngus, on 26 December 2012 - 01:28 AM, said:

Every time our mother cooks dinner and calls him out to eat, he finishes his meal in less than 10 minutes, as if he hates sitting down with the rest of us, much less talk with us. When our father asks about anything about his life, his typical response is "it's none of your business" (doesn't say it literally, but the tone and attitude is clearly there). Our parents worry about him, they worry that he might be dragged off to battle and come back crippled or worse. They are concerned for him, but my brother takes their concerns as an insult, always telling them rather angrily to mind their own business, that it's his decision and he doesn't care what they think. He has no regard and respect for the concerns of our parents.
My guess is, as outlined above, he's lusting to feel competent and independent.  Their concern and wanting to know what he's thinking probably feels stifling and he doesn't know how to respond while still maintaining the state of the self he wants to see himself as.  You can think of it as being defensive, because he's feeling fragile and uncertain.

View Postrladngus, on 26 December 2012 - 01:28 AM, said:

I'm afraid that I can't simply approach him and try to talk things out. I know my brother. That kind of approach will make him aggressive, possibly provoke a fight between us. The thing is that he holds a special grudge against me. It's understandable, because I'm the older brother and I've used that status to abuse him when we were mere children. It's the one thing that I regret the most. Because of my maltreatment, our parents constantly tried to discipline us since we were little - by hitting us, by using fear. I don't blame them. They didn't know any better. They only meant good, but sadly it hasn't had the same effect on my brother as it had on me. Because of the kind of punishment we got early in our lives, I feel that my brother hates our family, and me especially. And I think that this is partly the reason he joined the Army. Our parents didn't want him to, but he did it to spite them, even if it means risking his life.
This paragraph leads me to think even more that my prior assessment was right, but it gives it a different tint.  He's trying to get back a feeling of power in his life, get back a feeling of being in control of something.  Quite honestly, your parents were weak.  They may have done what it took to keep your household running, and food on the table, that is hard enough.  But when it came to the human and emotional aspect, they took the easy and detached way.  He has every right in the world to resent them, and honestly, he should.  He'll continue to until he realizes his life is the culmination of his personal choices, and that it matters more what he wants, than what he wants others to see or feel.  Hopefully he'll let go of the resentment, and try to use the experience for what its worth, moving on to better days.

View Postrladngus, on 26 December 2012 - 01:28 AM, said:

What can I do about this? My parents work long and hard to provide for us. When they return home, they should only be happy. They deserve that. But my brother doesn't make it easy for them, especially for my mother. His reaction to her causes misery for her. I can see it. I'm sure he can too, and I'm sure he's enjoying that to some extent. How do I deal with this?
You can't do a thing.  Your part is already played, and your relentless defense of your parents is just your way of dealing with what was arguably abuse, and never has any justification.  He can only come to terms with what he really wants, and why he really feels as powerless as he does, on his own.

That's my honest take.  Feel free to be as offended as you want, or tell me how wrong I am.  This is just my best guess based on the information you provided, as I know neither you, your parents, nor your brother.  I apologize if any portion is presumptuous or hurtful, but you came to ask this on a forum that may as well be anonymous.  I would expect you to want real honesty.
-

#13

rladngus

Posted 30 December 2012 - 08:43 AM

View PostAcetyl, on 30 December 2012 - 08:32 AM, said:

I'm going to respond to the paragraphs in order.  So it'll all build on itself.


He went to college.  Now he needs to prove how independent he is, and prove he exists.  The easiest way for him to achieve that is to alienate himself, from his own humanity and emotions.  "Mother is the first other", part of his mind might see his past and current dependency through her.  He's just trying to define himself and do what he sees as carving out a place in the world.  Chances are, after he's done seeing what the military entails, he'll have seen enough of what the real world actually is; in relation to himself and his emotions.  If he survives, which statistically, he will.  Sometimes people just need to gather an experience set, or see something with their own eyes.


My guess is, as outlined above, he's lusting to feel competent and independent.  Their concern and wanting to know what he's thinking probably feels stifling and he doesn't know how to respond while still maintaining the state of the self he wants to see himself as.  You can think of it as being defensive, because he's feeling fragile and uncertain.


This paragraph leads me to think even more that my prior assessment was right, but it gives it a different tint.  He's trying to get back a feeling of power in his life, get back a feeling of being in control of something.  Quite honestly, your parents were weak.  They may have done what it took to keep your household running, and food on the table, that is hard enough.  But when it came to the human and emotional aspect, they took the easy and detached way.  He has every right in the world to resent them, and honestly, he should.  He'll continue to until he realizes his life is the culmination of his personal choices, and that it matters more what he wants, than what he wants others to see or feel.  Hopefully he'll let go of the resentment, and try to use the experience for what its worth, moving on to better days.


You can't do a thing.  Your part is already played, and your relentless defense of your parents is just your way of dealing with what was arguably abuse, and never has any justification.  He can only come to terms with what he really wants, and why he really feels as powerless as he does, on his own.

That's my honest take.  Feel free to be as offended as you want, or tell me how wrong I am.  This is just my best guess based on the information you provided, as I know neither you, your parents, nor your brother.  I apologize if any portion is presumptuous or hurtful, but you came to ask this on a forum that may as well be anonymous.  I would expect you to want real honesty.

Not offended. Thanks for the response. It was quite insightful.

#14

KotoroYoshida
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Posted 30 December 2012 - 08:46 AM

There is always going to be that time when someone realizes their actions.

Be patient, and things might change for you.
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#15

Tekkiter360
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Posted 06 January 2013 - 10:40 PM

patience and hope is your strenght and them running out your are a weak fool I say no offence

#16

Mencken_Fan
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Posted 07 January 2013 - 02:10 AM

View Postrladngus, on 26 December 2012 - 01:28 AM, said:

When my brother was in high school, he was a little timid and overweight but he was also compliant and respectful to our parents. He then joined the ROTC program in his college. 2 years later, he comes back home and tells us that he wants to enlist in the Army, full-time. It was quite a bit of shock, to be honest, but we got over it. It's fine with us. But something about him also changed. He's downright disrespectful towards our parents. I have this feeling in my gut that he's even slightly hateful towards our mother. Mother cooks for him, shelters him, does his laundry, and generally does what a mother can for her son. Yet, when she tries to be nice and friendly, he shrugs her off like she's an annoying little kid, with that "­   off" kind of attitude.

Every time our mother cooks dinner and calls him out to eat, he finishes his meal in less than 10 minutes, as if he hates sitting down with the rest of us, much less talk with us. When our father asks about anything about his life, his typical response is "it's none of your business" (doesn't say it literally, but the tone and attitude is clearly there). Our parents worry about him, they worry that he might be dragged off to battle and come back crippled or worse. They are concerned for him, but my brother takes their concerns as an insult, always telling them rather angrily to mind their own business, that it's his decision and he doesn't care what they think. He has no regard and respect for the concerns of our parents.

I'm afraid that I can't simply approach him and try to talk things out. I know my brother. That kind of approach will make him aggressive, possibly provoke a fight between us. The thing is that he holds a special grudge against me. It's understandable, because I'm the older brother and I've used that status to abuse him when we were mere children. It's the one thing that I regret the most. Because of my maltreatment, our parents constantly tried to discipline us since we were little - by hitting us, by using fear. I don't blame them. They didn't know any better. They only meant good, but sadly it hasn't had the same effect on my brother as it had on me. Because of the kind of punishment we got early in our lives, I feel that my brother hates our family, and me especially. And I think that this is partly the reason he joined the Army. Our parents didn't want him to, but he did it to spite them, even if it means risking his life.

What can I do about this? My parents work long and hard to provide for us. When they return home, they should only be happy. They deserve that. But my brother doesn't make it easy for them, especially for my mother. His reaction to her causes misery for her. I can see it. I'm sure he can too, and I'm sure he's enjoying that to some extent. How do I deal with this?

Your brother is probably a "closet gay" suffering his own turmoil.

With 61 years experience in life -- and being gay myself -- I could write a post three times longer than yours to explain why but I'm not going to get that involved.

The real world can be a ­... there's next to nothing you can do for your neighbor, your friend, or even your brother. Each of us have our own lives and our own demons. I would suggest supporting your mother and distancing yourself from your brother until he's older and comes clean with whatever his "problem" is.

#17

ZeRo
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Posted 07 January 2013 - 03:22 AM

He was realize it in time.

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