Hello, and welcome to the thread for portions of the narrative of Queen Ninty, the ruler of Fyren, a region of Minecraftia governed by the Queen and her Court of Stone.
The Prologue
The Queen was a fearsome woman, with dark brown hair cascading down her back. Her cold blue eyes shone prominently against her pale, freckled skin. She sat high on her throne, her right hand always curled around the hilt of her diamond sword. She wore black leather boots that laced up the outside, black fingerless gloves with a purple band around the wrist, and a black corset with gold inlays over a violet dress so short that it would’ve been a *****’s attire if she couldn’t execute you for saying so. Her golden crown, perched atop her head and inlaid with violet gemstones, was as sharp as her mind.
Some say the crown has driven The Queen mad. Some insist she was mad before she ever came to power.
————————————————————————-
Ninty shot up in bed, gasping for breath as a cold sweat gripped her body. The moonlight drifting through the window glinted off her damp, naked form. Her chest swelled as she took in deep gulps of air. She glanced around wildly, seeing nothing but her royal quarters and the sleeping form of her lover next to her. Her breathing finally calmed, and she slowly crawled out of bed. She grabbed her night gown, pulling it on, and walked to her chamber door. She stepped out into the hall, glancing both ways before walking down it, to the east side of the castle. As she walked, her mind wandered to her nightmare, and the memory that caused it.
————————————————————————-
"My king..?" Ninty pushed open the door to the throne room. "Are you all right?" She paused when she found the king slumped over on his throne. She started to run forward, but slowed when he stirred.
"Leave me."
"My Liege… Are you all right?" She repeated, stepping forward cautiously.
"I said, leave!" The Reaper King, Colton, snapped, drawing his scythe and rushing the maiden. Ninty screamed, and brought her armored forearm up to block the handle of the lethal blade. She hastily drew her sword as he roared, frustratedly pulling his blade back again. She shrieked and swung blindly, her blade biting into his arm and spraying a bit of blood on her cheek. The King stumbled back, then rushed her again. Ninty squeezed her eyes shut and braced for impact, thrusting her sword forward.
The scythe never came. Ninty slowly opened her eyes, and found Colton, her King, inches from her nose. His eyes glittered with hatred and his face was twisted with insane rage, but a thin trail of blood bubbled from his lips. Startled, she glanced down, seeing her chest splattered with dark blood and her silver sword buried to the hilt in The King’s chest. Her eyes widened with horror as she stumbled back, wrenching her blade from its gash next to Colton’s sternum. More blood sprayed, soaking her chest, and Colton finally drew a rattling breath. He slumped forward, clutching the wound in his chest as he struggled to breathe. She stared in terror as he drew his final few breaths. With Ninty watching, the fire faded from his eyes. He fell to his side, and his crown rolled off of his head.
The Reaper King was dead.
Ninty jumped as the throne doors burst open. She turned and looked, eyes wide as Dalton, her fellow courts-men and friend, stared at her from the doorway. She glanced back down at her bloodied hands and sword, and suddenly dropped the blade as if it had burned her. She stared at Dalton, horror-struck. She was doomed. She had just been found with The King’s body, covered in his blood, with the murder weapon in her hands. When Dalton opened his mouth, she braced herself for her death sentence.
"Ninty…" Dalton started apprehensively. "What have you done..?"
This thread will be updated as more portions of the story are written. Be forewarned, the parts may not always be in order.
Great work Ninty. Story with the most potential we've had in this subforum since Before and My Wonderful Apprentice. We needed this so much. A story with good descriptions, a decent concept of action and suspense, with a willingness to take risks and stray from the traditional "Steve goz n fites the enderdraygonz", "Yogzcazt" and "Steve meets another player... OH THE SHENNANIGANS!" formulas. You see this Wizmark? This is an original Minefic! (sorry, settling an unrelated score)
So, to bring you up to speed if you're new to this community we have not gotten anything particularly good (that isn't a continuation) since mid August. The only serialised things that are going on are The Book of Dreams, The Herobrine Chronicles and my own Fall and a Rise a Vanillacraft tale (probably the weakest of the three). Now we may finally have another great series in the Lit section! Huzzah!
This prologue only delivers all that I want. The descriptions are satisfactory. It's suspenseful. The character of the Queen seems to be complex already (make sure to work with this). The atmosphere is great. The action is fluid. And the world you're creating is already intriguing. Simple terms like The Court of Stone and The Reaper King add so much to a story.
Some advice going in.
Avoid wish fulfilment. Making the characters carry out weird fetishes as an obvious avatar for the author's fantasies. This can destroy good fanfictions and is the reason people associate fanfiction as a whole with "Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life" and the rule 34 bronies. If you want to and are just doing this for fun/wish fulfilment, go ahead. However, if you intend to use this as a semi-serious attempt, I'd advise against it.
Make sure to develop on the Queen's character. I don't expect Macbeth or Great Expectations, but don't let the potential of a rise and fall/moral decay story slip through your fingers. At the same time, if you have a complicated plot you want to build upon, don't let this consume the whole story at its expense. Just make sure to round them off as a decent character.
Read other fanfictions for inspiration. Just a generally good idea.
However, that's really it. No notable problems so far. Looking forward to the rest.
would be honoured if you could check out my own stuff. =)
Great work Ninty. Story with the most potential we've had in this subforum since Before and My Wonderful Apprentice. We needed this so much. A story with good descriptions, a decent concept of action and suspense, with a willingness to take risks and stray from the traditional "Steve goz n fites the enderdraygonz", "Yogzcazt" and "Steve meets another player... OH THE SHENNANIGANS!" formulas. You see this Wizmark? This is an original Minefic! (sorry, settling an unrelated score)
So, to bring you up to speed if you're new to this community we have not gotten anything particularly good (that isn't a continuation) since mid August. The only serialised things that are going on are The Book of Dreams, The Herobrine Chronicles and my own Fall and a Rise a Vanillacraft tale (probably the weakest of the three). Now we may finally have another great series in the Lit section! Huzzah!
This prologue only delivers all that I want. The descriptions are satisfactory. It's suspenseful. The character of the Queen seems to be complex already (make sure to work with this). The atmosphere is great. The action is fluid. And the world you're creating is already intriguing. Simple terms like The Court of Stone and The Reaper King add so much to a story.
Some advice going in.
Avoid wish fulfilment. Making the characters carry out weird fetishes as an obvious avatar for the author's fantasies. This can destroy good fanfictions and is the reason people associate fanfiction as a whole with "Shrek is Love, Shrek is Life" and the rule 34 bronies. If you want to and are just doing this for fun/wish fulfilment, go ahead. However, if you intend to use this as a semi-serious attempt, I'd advise against it.
Make sure to develop on the Queen's character. I don't expect Macbeth or Great Expectations, but don't let the potential of a rise and fall/moral decay story slip through your fingers. At the same time, if you have a complicated plot you want to build upon, don't let this consume the whole story at its expense. Just make sure to round them off as a decent character.
Read other fanfictions for inspiration. Just a generally good idea.
However, that's really it. No notable problems so far. Looking forward to the rest.
would be honoured if you could check out my own stuff. =)
Hey, thank you SO much for the feedback! I'll make sure to keep this from wish fulfillment. And thank you for the compliment on my work! I hope you will stay tuned! Do you know if there's a place I could post my development ideas? Maybe just here?
I'm assuming Ninty is the Queen, and she rose to power after killing the King. What kind of country to they live in where killing the King/Queen automatically puts you into power?
thats put more into detail in one of the first background chapters. It wasn't killing the King that put her in power. Fyren has a chain of command similar to both a monarchy and a democracy. Normally, the crown would pass to the next of kin. Colton was unmarried and had no children or sibling to pass the crown to. If there are no heirs, the command goes to the Monarch's Advisor, which is sort of like the American vice-president. Ninty was the Advisor to King Colton. Only Dalton and Ninty know that Ninty accidentally killed the King. Everyone else thinks it was an assassin.
thats put more into detail in one of the first background chapters. It wasn't killing the King that put her in power. Fyren has a chain of command similar to both a monarchy and a democracy. Normally, the crown would pass to the next of kin. Colton was unmarried and had no children or sibling to pass the crown to. If there are no heirs, the command goes to the Monarch's Advisor, which is sort of like the American vice-president. Ninty was the Advisor to King Colton. Only Dalton and Ninty know that Ninty accidentally killed the King. Everyone else thinks it was an assassin.
Oh, that makes sense. Oh hey, when are you going to post that thing on my Lore Q&A thread?
Very Good, this reads great. Just a minor plot hole, I notice she puts on a nightgown, and suddenly, while fighting the king, she has armored bracers on. How?
Oh, wow! I dare say this is on par with ye olde Minefic stuff, back when the Literature subsection didn't exist and you had to be really fantastic to be noticed among the banner ads.
My criticisms are few and far between. First is that you seem to be summarizing a story rather than telling one- it reads out very quickly and events happen at a quick pace. It's not wrong by any means, but it tends to make it hard for readers to imagine the details as you write them, and it doesn't leave as many open spaces for describing, in detail, settings or important events. Slow your pace down a little bit and focus on sensory details- it'll make the end product a lot longer, but there's no such thing as a story that is too long. If you need help with the sensory details, just try to write down what a setting is like from as many of the five senses as you possibly can, with sight being the last one.
Secondly, be careful with your word choice. Right off the bat, there's the problem of censoring yourself in the first paragraph. While I see why you chose to do what you did, having to replace a word with asterisks almost entirely breaks immersion. If you must, try to be "politically correct" and soften the language to a measure that would be acceptable without censorship. Once again, this could mean making it longer, but a story is only ever one of two lengths: the length it needs to be, and the length that needs to be changed.
That's really it, though. As far as plot is concerned, you've done a great job obtaining the interest of readers. Well done!
Thanks so much for your input! Actually, this chapter was originally uploaded to my tumblr, and was uncensored there. When I transferred the document, the site censored the word. You're actually the first person to point that out
Very interesting concept. I haven't seen a female protagonist in a while and a whole Game of Thrones styled Minecraft is nice as well. Also, I'm glad someone else shares my tactic of using some cuss words in writing. I feel like it adds more style and depth to characters. To add on, very nice foreshadowing and making sure not to tell the reader too much. That's always been a problem with my writings.
Ninty also seems like a character I would like to get to know more. Keeping it ambiguous enough for the first chapter to reel people in and then hopeful maybe have some juicy direct or indirect characterization.
Another thing I will add is the Dark and Violence tags really attracted me. I don't think we've had quite a serious or mature fiction on these forums. Sometimes, people don't like to cross that line but I'm glad you did! I anticipate the next chapters.
Overall, this seems promising.
I ramble, so sorry if this isn't too comprehensive or coherent.
Very interesting concept. I haven't seen a female protagonist in a while and a whole Game of Thrones styled Minecraft is nice as well. Also, I'm glad someone else shares my tactic of using some cuss words in writing. I feel like it adds more style and depth to characters. To add on, very nice foreshadowing and making sure not to tell the reader too much. That's always been a problem with my writings.
Ninty also seems like a character I would like to get to know more. Keeping it ambiguous enough for the first chapter to reel people in and then hopeful maybe have some juicy direct or indirect characterization.
Another thing I will add is the Dark and Violence tags really attracted me. I don't think we've had quite a serious or mature fiction on these forums. Sometimes, people don't like to cross that line but I'm glad you did! I anticipate the next chapters.
Overall, this seems promising.
I ramble, so sorry if this isn't too comprehensive or coherent.
Thank you so much for your input! It means a lot to me.
I was considering dropping the story, as some had seemed to lose interest, but knowing that someone likes it gives me a little hope to keep pressing on with me work.
The Prologue
The Queen was a fearsome woman, with dark brown hair cascading down her back. Her cold blue eyes shone prominently against her pale, freckled skin. She sat high on her throne, her right hand always curled around the hilt of her diamond sword. She wore black leather boots that laced up the outside, black fingerless gloves with a purple band around the wrist, and a black corset with gold inlays over a violet dress so short that it would’ve been a *****’s attire if she couldn’t execute you for saying so. Her golden crown, perched atop her head and inlaid with violet gemstones, was as sharp as her mind.
Some say the crown has driven The Queen mad. Some insist she was mad before she ever came to power.
————————————————————————-
Ninty shot up in bed, gasping for breath as a cold sweat gripped her body. The moonlight drifting through the window glinted off her damp, naked form. Her chest swelled as she took in deep gulps of air. She glanced around wildly, seeing nothing but her royal quarters and the sleeping form of her lover next to her. Her breathing finally calmed, and she slowly crawled out of bed. She grabbed her night gown, pulling it on, and walked to her chamber door. She stepped out into the hall, glancing both ways before walking down it, to the east side of the castle. As she walked, her mind wandered to her nightmare, and the memory that caused it.
————————————————————————-
"My king..?" Ninty pushed open the door to the throne room. "Are you all right?" She paused when she found the king slumped over on his throne. She started to run forward, but slowed when he stirred.
"Leave me."
"My Liege… Are you all right?" She repeated, stepping forward cautiously.
"I said, leave!" The Reaper King, Colton, snapped, drawing his scythe and rushing the maiden. Ninty screamed, and brought her armored forearm up to block the handle of the lethal blade. She hastily drew her sword as he roared, frustratedly pulling his blade back again. She shrieked and swung blindly, her blade biting into his arm and spraying a bit of blood on her cheek. The King stumbled back, then rushed her again. Ninty squeezed her eyes shut and braced for impact, thrusting her sword forward.
The scythe never came. Ninty slowly opened her eyes, and found Colton, her King, inches from her nose. His eyes glittered with hatred and his face was twisted with insane rage, but a thin trail of blood bubbled from his lips. Startled, she glanced down, seeing her chest splattered with dark blood and her silver sword buried to the hilt in The King’s chest. Her eyes widened with horror as she stumbled back, wrenching her blade from its gash next to Colton’s sternum. More blood sprayed, soaking her chest, and Colton finally drew a rattling breath. He slumped forward, clutching the wound in his chest as he struggled to breathe. She stared in terror as he drew his final few breaths. With Ninty watching, the fire faded from his eyes. He fell to his side, and his crown rolled off of his head.
The Reaper King was dead.
Ninty jumped as the throne doors burst open. She turned and looked, eyes wide as Dalton, her fellow courts-men and friend, stared at her from the doorway. She glanced back down at her bloodied hands and sword, and suddenly dropped the blade as if it had burned her. She stared at Dalton, horror-struck. She was doomed. She had just been found with The King’s body, covered in his blood, with the murder weapon in her hands. When Dalton opened his mouth, she braced herself for her death sentence.
"Ninty…" Dalton started apprehensively. "What have you done..?"
This thread will be updated as more portions of the story are written. Be forewarned, the parts may not always be in order.
So, to bring you up to speed if you're new to this community we have not gotten anything particularly good (that isn't a continuation) since mid August. The only serialised things that are going on are The Book of Dreams, The Herobrine Chronicles and my own Fall and a Rise a Vanillacraft tale (probably the weakest of the three). Now we may finally have another great series in the Lit section! Huzzah!
This prologue only delivers all that I want. The descriptions are satisfactory. It's suspenseful. The character of the Queen seems to be complex already (make sure to work with this). The atmosphere is great. The action is fluid. And the world you're creating is already intriguing. Simple terms like The Court of Stone and The Reaper King add so much to a story.
Some advice going in.
would be honoured if you could check out my own stuff. =)
Like fantasy? Like Minecraft? Check out a blend of the two here! Fall and a Rise: A Vanillacraft Tale!
Hey, thank you SO much for the feedback! I'll make sure to keep this from wish fulfillment. And thank you for the compliment on my work! I hope you will stay tuned! Do you know if there's a place I could post my development ideas? Maybe just here?
-Love, Ninty
He scream
Oh, that makes sense. Oh hey, when are you going to post that thing on my Lore Q&A thread?
He scream
Don't like Cows? Think Minecraft needs to be more Interesting? Why not try bears: http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/1549234-bears/page__hl__ bears#entry18964936
Don't like Cows? Think Minecraft needs to be more Interesting? Why not try bears: http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/1549234-bears/page__hl__ bears#entry18964936
Like fantasy? Like Minecraft? Check out a blend of the two here! Fall and a Rise: A Vanillacraft Tale!
Like fantasy? Like Minecraft? Check out a blend of the two here! Fall and a Rise: A Vanillacraft Tale!
Like fantasy? Like Minecraft? Check out a blend of the two here! Fall and a Rise: A Vanillacraft Tale!
Oh, wow! I dare say this is on par with ye olde Minefic stuff, back when the Literature subsection didn't exist and you had to be really fantastic to be noticed among the banner ads.
My criticisms are few and far between. First is that you seem to be summarizing a story rather than telling one- it reads out very quickly and events happen at a quick pace. It's not wrong by any means, but it tends to make it hard for readers to imagine the details as you write them, and it doesn't leave as many open spaces for describing, in detail, settings or important events. Slow your pace down a little bit and focus on sensory details- it'll make the end product a lot longer, but there's no such thing as a story that is too long. If you need help with the sensory details, just try to write down what a setting is like from as many of the five senses as you possibly can, with sight being the last one.
Secondly, be careful with your word choice. Right off the bat, there's the problem of censoring yourself in the first paragraph. While I see why you chose to do what you did, having to replace a word with asterisks almost entirely breaks immersion. If you must, try to be "politically correct" and soften the language to a measure that would be acceptable without censorship. Once again, this could mean making it longer, but a story is only ever one of two lengths: the length it needs to be, and the length that needs to be changed.
That's really it, though. As far as plot is concerned, you've done a great job obtaining the interest of readers. Well done!
Thanks so much for your input! Actually, this chapter was originally uploaded to my tumblr, and was uncensored there. When I transferred the document, the site censored the word. You're actually the first person to point that out
Very interesting concept. I haven't seen a female protagonist in a while and a whole Game of Thrones styled Minecraft is nice as well. Also, I'm glad someone else shares my tactic of using some cuss words in writing. I feel like it adds more style and depth to characters. To add on, very nice foreshadowing and making sure not to tell the reader too much. That's always been a problem with my writings.
Ninty also seems like a character I would like to get to know more. Keeping it ambiguous enough for the first chapter to reel people in and then hopeful maybe have some juicy direct or indirect characterization.
Another thing I will add is the Dark and Violence tags really attracted me. I don't think we've had quite a serious or mature fiction on these forums. Sometimes, people don't like to cross that line but I'm glad you did! I anticipate the next chapters.
Overall, this seems promising.
I ramble, so sorry if this isn't too comprehensive or coherent.
Seems like I have some...
Thank you so much for your input! It means a lot to me.
I was considering dropping the story, as some had seemed to lose interest, but knowing that someone likes it gives me a little hope to keep pressing on with me work.
-Love, Ninty