Humans were a hyper-intelligent species bent on exploring their world through science and technology. They eventually learned how to duplicate organic beings and have them produced at massive rates, as well as splice their genes with other beings. For many years the Humans lived warring against the barbaric and immortal Pigmen. Humans built great cities and developed many tools and mechanisms to aid them as they expanded. They built strongholds underground to experiment with their plane of existence and progress their knowledge of the world.
With Humans and Pigmen at war, Humans often tested the Pigmen captives with mazes and tests of knowledge. The Humans experimented on Pigmen, trying to discover a secret to their immortality. Pigmen were an impressive sight to behold. Standing at no less than six feet tall, the communal species was nearly perfect, aside from lacking intelligence . No Pigman had ever seen another die, but neither had one seen another born. They were a prime physical specimen, and with it, they conquered many humans. Many tests were designed to delve into Humankinds greatest phenomenon; Death.
During their experiments, they realized that they could not only imbue themselves with Pigmen strength(at the cost of a moderate amount of intelligence) to create Iron Golem warriors, but they also stumble onto the discovery of Souls. They learned that Souls were the battery for a living being and in many ways acted independently from the shell it occupied. Though it had direct control over its shell, at night while the shell slept, the Soul could roam about. The discovery of Souls lead them to a theory in which unused souls were stored in another dimension since souls did not need to respect out physical laws.
After much arduous labor and many failed hypothesis', humankind discovered the existence of a new plane of existence. In this plane, Human souls were stored for when there was a proper shell for the soul to inhabit. They called this new world the Nether and claimed it to reside "beneath" our own world, but on a different plane. They explained that the Nether supported the Overworld and it exists to hold souls. If the Nether were to "run out" of souls, both worlds would collapse. As more souls are used for shells, the Nether will shrink and vice versa. This is where they would banish the Pigmen menace.
The progress of the humans continued to the pinnacle of their society. They built wide mines for ores and carved entire forests into sand. The only thing left to do was open up a portal to win the war against Pigmen. And, on one fateful day, a portal to the Nether was opened. Humans rushed in to study and build. They created prisons for Pigmen and used artificial fire to guard them while studying the souls and essence of the Nether.
During all the research and construction, a few researchers began noting odd portal behavior. While humans studied it one day, the portal waned and creaked and after a fee moments of observing an eerie purple hue, the frame of the obsidian portal cracked. With an incomplete portal opened between both worlds, many souls poured out with such destructive fashion, it nearly tore both planes asunder. As the souls leaked from the portal, the living beings were corrupted. Souls attacked humans and animals a like. The attacking soul would force the current soul out of it's shell or cause massive mutation, as two souls cannot inhabit one shell properly. With the new soul unfamiliar with its body, the physical matter deteriorates.
In many cases where two souls took on one shell, the attacked soul would wait for skin to loosen from the muscles and bones then break away from it's host as a green, amorphous entity. Some humans kept basic intelligence and were able to wield bows but most formed into mindless zombies. Souls were too much for regular bugs and critters to take so the were warped and twisted into the giant arthropods you see today. Souls that attacked Pigmen demented them into a devolved version of themselves since the shell conforms to the soul. Primal and basic, these new Pigs were not men. Even the organic technology, such as Spawners the Humans used to duplicate livestock with were corrupted into other species. Ghasts that had physical form in the Nether now found themselves ethereal and immaterial. Most of the first physical contact that a formless Ghast has in the Overworld is with grass. It is at this point that the explosive essence of the Ghast is materialized on the Overworld's physical form. These explosive beings wandered aimlessly with distress on their faces in a world incomprehensible to them.
Most of the humans left fled to the Farlands for refuge and with little time left, the remaining humans decided the only way to close the portal was from the other side. So, the Grand Army of the Humankind, clad in gold enchanted armor, lured the Pigmen armies to the gates of the portal and surrounded them. With the Pigmen forced into the Nether, a few humans stayed behind to seal the passage. They took with them everything they could and once on the other side, began building fortresses against ghasts, protecting their structures with artificial "fire golems".
The few remaining Humans left to destroy the Overworld portal did not stop their research. They left behind valuable artifacts and perfect their portal building techniques. Unfortunately, for the Pigmen in the Nether, the prolonged exposure to souls and the Essence of Hell warped them into thoughtless beings that wandered around aimlessly unless provoked. After many studies on their portals, the Pigmen began to suspect that the explosion in their Nether portal was no accident. Building their last sanctuaries in temples to house and protect their cultures legacy they carved the story of how the Creeper's soul is the key.
It is unknown how they built the first portal, but it is said that when they did, the fury and destruction slowed down time. Black, slender men erupted forth and tore the walls apart around the Pigmen. But, the Pigmen were ready. Pistons pulled back the ceiling and water poured in. Seconds later, the water flow stopped and the remaining Pigmen crossed through the portal. They knew, with all their logic and deduction, they knew exactly what was happening. The battle for the fate of their world ensued.
Pictures and symbols found in desert temples tell the story of a Dragon with Unquenchable Thirst. It feeds off the misery and grief of living beings as it sucks hope and pride from souls. The pictures show souls the dragon considered unworthy lingering and corrupting into dark beings whose only purpose is to case woe. These dark souls slip into occupied shells and manipulate them to harm other humans. The images show this happening over many eras and finally the face of a Creeper forming into an Ender Crystal adorns final image.
We humans are now spread thin, are are quickly dying out but left many artifacts and ways of their kind behind, and in doing so has progressed humankind greatly. Now, we build communities and tools for ourselves. We mine deeper and build taller than before. But, Endermen still slip into our shells and kill us off. Souls from the Nether are still leaking out, and the dragon seeks to satiate his hunger. Many of us have found The Human Codex and we let it guide us.
Author's note: Most of this was my own design, but Homem's "snip-its" added the final touch I needed to really round off the story. I realize I've missed a few mobs(Magma Cubes are Slimes from Pigmen in the Nether who mutated past Zombiefication. They skeleton disintegrated due to harsh effects in the Nether on a soul with an unfimiliar body, but as the Slime moves around it picked up bits of magma and Netherrack. I'll add it in more poetically later.) and some mechanics (Ghasts don't attack Zombie Pigmen because of the grief level they are at.) but these will be added in when the time is right.
It appeared to me the various bits don't quite link together. While your style is good, some parts seemed just like asspulls (see TV Tropes) such as the souls thing, which isn't explained well, or the endermen part which barely makes any sense.
For example this part:
It is unknown how they built the first portal, but it is said that when they did, the fury and destruction slowed down time. Black, slender men erupted forth and tore the walls apart around the Pigmen. But, the Pigmen were ready. Pistons pulled back the ceiling and water poured in. Seconds later, the water flow stopped and the remaining Pigmen crossed through the portal. They knew, with all their logic and deduction, they knew exactly what was happening. The battle for the fate of their world ensued.
The dragon feeds on grief.
The black men put grief into the Pigmen's heart as they tore down their walls.
The black men are pure souls.
They have been inhabiting Humans and killing other humans to create being who's essence has been griefed: a Ghast.
The dragon sundered the first Nether portal because it knew the effects of the souls on the Overworld.
The dragon knew that corrupted souls released from their shell in the Overworld were transited to The End.
The Creeper is the ultimate griefed being. Creeper souls turn to Ender Crystals.
Everything just came with no base and didn't mesh with the rest of the story at all. The creepers don't even have a small explanation, the ghast section is troublish, etc etc. The rest of the story is also incoherent.
It also lacked, let's see, originality. The incorporation of some overused elements come to mind.
Also you didn't interpret the "ending text" of Minecraft clearly, because it doesn't say it was all a dream, that is pretty clear. It was a bunch of faux-philosophy saying how real life is a dream and everything else and didn't fit at all with the game itself, which is why I completely ignored it in my vision.
- As a direct consequence, it isn't coherent with your story either and removes a lot of value from it. You put it suddenly and without much sense.
You wake up alone with nothing but paper in your pocket. As you pull the paper out, a box shines and leads you to the next box. You follow the instructions and as you are guided by the footsteps of the last remaining Pigman artifact, you reach the End portal. You step in, the battle ensues, and your effort is valiant. Though you strive to correct a great injustice, you are overwhelmed.
But, it was all just a dream, as you wake up from your nightmare in your bed.
Note I am not trying to make your story any lesser, just giving constructive feedback so you can improve
I agree that the End just being there isn't good enough. I wanted to make it mysterious and ominous, but it doesn't work right. And, I was planning on adding a better explanation for souls, I just wanted it to come to me because I was forcing out mediocre ideas.
I may rework the ending a bit, but the main idea that should come to mind is when you're walking around in in Minecraft, if you die, you just wake up in bed. But, at the same time, you lose all your things and progress isnt rolled back.
Absolutely great. You should make it a suggestion that you could find pigmen fortresses in the overworld, with books containing snippets of the pigmens story. lie the tome found in the mines of morior: ''all hope is lost. we cannot get out.''
Well done for taking the time to write that, sir. A plus 1 from me
As much as I'd love the Pigmen story to be official lore, I think half the fun is allowing other people to create their own lore. Thanks for taking the time to post that you liked it!
You know, the structure really got better now that you exchanged pigmen and human roles as well as adding the new parts. Makes for a more simple yet more advanced writing overall.
You know, the structure really got better now that you exchanged pigmen and human roles as well as adding the new parts. Makes for a more simple yet more advanced writing overall.
10/10 would read again.
Obviously, there are sitll a few small things I want to add in and rework. And, some of it is just plain worded poorly. But, thank you for all the feedback and criticism! It really helped the story get fleshed out.
With Humans and Pigmen at war, Humans often tested the Pigmen captives with mazes and tests of knowledge. The Humans experimented on Pigmen, trying to discover a secret to their immortality. Pigmen were an impressive sight to behold. Standing at no less than six feet tall, the communal species was nearly perfect, aside from lacking intelligence . No Pigman had ever seen another die, but neither had one seen another born. They were a prime physical specimen, and with it, they conquered many humans. Many tests were designed to delve into Humankinds greatest phenomenon; Death.
During their experiments, they realized that they could not only imbue themselves with Pigmen strength(at the cost of a moderate amount of intelligence) to create Iron Golem warriors, but they also stumble onto the discovery of Souls. They learned that Souls were the battery for a living being and in many ways acted independently from the shell it occupied. Though it had direct control over its shell, at night while the shell slept, the Soul could roam about. The discovery of Souls lead them to a theory in which unused souls were stored in another dimension since souls did not need to respect out physical laws.
After much arduous labor and many failed hypothesis', humankind discovered the existence of a new plane of existence. In this plane, Human souls were stored for when there was a proper shell for the soul to inhabit. They called this new world the Nether and claimed it to reside "beneath" our own world, but on a different plane. They explained that the Nether supported the Overworld and it exists to hold souls. If the Nether were to "run out" of souls, both worlds would collapse. As more souls are used for shells, the Nether will shrink and vice versa. This is where they would banish the Pigmen menace.
The progress of the humans continued to the pinnacle of their society. They built wide mines for ores and carved entire forests into sand. The only thing left to do was open up a portal to win the war against Pigmen. And, on one fateful day, a portal to the Nether was opened. Humans rushed in to study and build. They created prisons for Pigmen and used artificial fire to guard them while studying the souls and essence of the Nether.
During all the research and construction, a few researchers began noting odd portal behavior. While humans studied it one day, the portal waned and creaked and after a fee moments of observing an eerie purple hue, the frame of the obsidian portal cracked. With an incomplete portal opened between both worlds, many souls poured out with such destructive fashion, it nearly tore both planes asunder. As the souls leaked from the portal, the living beings were corrupted. Souls attacked humans and animals a like. The attacking soul would force the current soul out of it's shell or cause massive mutation, as two souls cannot inhabit one shell properly. With the new soul unfamiliar with its body, the physical matter deteriorates.
In many cases where two souls took on one shell, the attacked soul would wait for skin to loosen from the muscles and bones then break away from it's host as a green, amorphous entity. Some humans kept basic intelligence and were able to wield bows but most formed into mindless zombies. Souls were too much for regular bugs and critters to take so the were warped and twisted into the giant arthropods you see today. Souls that attacked Pigmen demented them into a devolved version of themselves since the shell conforms to the soul. Primal and basic, these new Pigs were not men. Even the organic technology, such as Spawners the Humans used to duplicate livestock with were corrupted into other species. Ghasts that had physical form in the Nether now found themselves ethereal and immaterial. Most of the first physical contact that a formless Ghast has in the Overworld is with grass. It is at this point that the explosive essence of the Ghast is materialized on the Overworld's physical form. These explosive beings wandered aimlessly with distress on their faces in a world incomprehensible to them.
Most of the humans left fled to the Farlands for refuge and with little time left, the remaining humans decided the only way to close the portal was from the other side. So, the Grand Army of the Humankind, clad in gold enchanted armor, lured the Pigmen armies to the gates of the portal and surrounded them. With the Pigmen forced into the Nether, a few humans stayed behind to seal the passage. They took with them everything they could and once on the other side, began building fortresses against ghasts, protecting their structures with artificial "fire golems".
The few remaining Humans left to destroy the Overworld portal did not stop their research. They left behind valuable artifacts and perfect their portal building techniques. Unfortunately, for the Pigmen in the Nether, the prolonged exposure to souls and the Essence of Hell warped them into thoughtless beings that wandered around aimlessly unless provoked. After many studies on their portals, the Pigmen began to suspect that the explosion in their Nether portal was no accident. Building their last sanctuaries in temples to house and protect their cultures legacy they carved the story of how the Creeper's soul is the key.
It is unknown how they built the first portal, but it is said that when they did, the fury and destruction slowed down time. Black, slender men erupted forth and tore the walls apart around the Pigmen. But, the Pigmen were ready. Pistons pulled back the ceiling and water poured in. Seconds later, the water flow stopped and the remaining Pigmen crossed through the portal. They knew, with all their logic and deduction, they knew exactly what was happening. The battle for the fate of their world ensued.
Pictures and symbols found in desert temples tell the story of a Dragon with Unquenchable Thirst. It feeds off the misery and grief of living beings as it sucks hope and pride from souls. The pictures show souls the dragon considered unworthy lingering and corrupting into dark beings whose only purpose is to case woe. These dark souls slip into occupied shells and manipulate them to harm other humans. The images show this happening over many eras and finally the face of a Creeper forming into an Ender Crystal adorns final image.
We humans are now spread thin, are are quickly dying out but left many artifacts and ways of their kind behind, and in doing so has progressed humankind greatly. Now, we build communities and tools for ourselves. We mine deeper and build taller than before. But, Endermen still slip into our shells and kill us off. Souls from the Nether are still leaking out, and the dragon seeks to satiate his hunger. Many of us have found The Human Codex and we let it guide us.
Author's note: Most of this was my own design, but Homem's "snip-its" added the final touch I needed to really round off the story. I realize I've missed a few mobs(Magma Cubes are Slimes from Pigmen in the Nether who mutated past Zombiefication. They skeleton disintegrated due to harsh effects in the Nether on a soul with an unfimiliar body, but as the Slime moves around it picked up bits of magma and Netherrack. I'll add it in more poetically later.) and some mechanics (Ghasts don't attack Zombie Pigmen because of the grief level they are at.) but these will be added in when the time is right.
A really good read, +1
Squeeee
Awesome! Thanks for the vote! I'm really glad you enjoyed it. Stayed tuned for...more?
For example this part:
The dragon feeds on grief.
The black men put grief into the Pigmen's heart as they tore down their walls.
The black men are pure souls.
They have been inhabiting Humans and killing other humans to create being who's essence has been griefed: a Ghast.
The dragon sundered the first Nether portal because it knew the effects of the souls on the Overworld.
The dragon knew that corrupted souls released from their shell in the Overworld were transited to The End.
The Creeper is the ultimate griefed being. Creeper souls turn to Ender Crystals.
It also lacked, let's see, originality. The incorporation of some overused elements come to mind.
Also you didn't interpret the "ending text" of Minecraft clearly, because it doesn't say it was all a dream, that is pretty clear. It was a bunch of faux-philosophy saying how real life is a dream and everything else and didn't fit at all with the game itself, which is why I completely ignored it in my vision.
- As a direct consequence, it isn't coherent with your story either and removes a lot of value from it. You put it suddenly and without much sense.
But, it was all just a dream, as you wake up from your nightmare in your bed.
Note I am not trying to make your story any lesser, just giving constructive feedback so you can improve
I agree that the End just being there isn't good enough. I wanted to make it mysterious and ominous, but it doesn't work right. And, I was planning on adding a better explanation for souls, I just wanted it to come to me because I was forcing out mediocre ideas.
I may rework the ending a bit, but the main idea that should come to mind is when you're walking around in in Minecraft, if you die, you just wake up in bed. But, at the same time, you lose all your things and progress isnt rolled back.
As much as I'd love the Pigmen story to be official lore, I think half the fun is allowing other people to create their own lore. Thanks for taking the time to post that you liked it!
Still slow to see stuff like that here. Just replied.
ಠ_ಠ
PM = Personal Message. It isn't on this thread. It's about legal matters.
You know, the structure really got better now that you exchanged pigmen and human roles as well as adding the new parts. Makes for a more simple yet more advanced writing overall.
10/10 would read again.
Obviously, there are sitll a few small things I want to add in and rework. And, some of it is just plain worded poorly. But, thank you for all the feedback and criticism! It really helped the story get fleshed out.