Hi there, I always liked making D&D story lines etc. So i wanted to actually write one of my stories. This is the intro to the story, then chapter 1 starts from the past of the current event, and follows up to the event, and continues onward. Feedback appriciated
Edit: the "name" is just a place holder, I am working on a few names still didn't manage to get the right one
Chapter Unknown - Intro
The night was cold, a freezing breeze slowly blowing from the mountain pass. As the blood sun rose over the misty valley of “name” distant echoes of last cries were heard throughout the valley. Thousands of dead soldiers laid on the ground, their blood painted the snow scarlet. Amongst the massacre the King stands with his general, his black cape slowly waving in the breeze, with full plate armor damaged and colored dark green by the blood of his enemies, looking distantly at the waving flags of the Empire’s Alliance next to the bodies of his people.
K: This was a hell of a price to pay.
G: I know your grace, but now, finally our lands will be safe. These savages have been nothing but a threat since the mountains collapsed and the pass was opened.
K: That is true. These people are heroes, every single one of them. They deserved better, not to be slaughtered here at the end of the world, for a kingdom that’s half a world away. See to the wounded, we return home as victors.
G: Yes my King.
As the king walked listlessly towards his tent on the hill, he could not stop but to think of all the people he lost. Was it worth it, will their lands finally be safe from the reckless bloodthirsty “name”. Time will tell.
So yeah i started working on a map for this story. Feedback on that also appreciated
Well i certainty did not expect this kind of response to be honest. I know there are grammatical errors etc. English is not my main language, and No need to take your money xD If I ever decide to rly write this, I will probably post it online whenever i finish a chapter
Well you're writing a story, which means I have a valid excuse to be a grammar Nazi. xD
As the blood sun rose over the misty valley of “name” distant echoes of last cries were heard throughout the valley.
Comma after "name", and the "last cries" seems like a bit odd wording.
Thousands of dead soldiers laid on the ground, their blood painted the snow scarlet.
This should either be "painting", or there needs to be a period or semicolon after "ground". Also I think it's "lay" but I might be wrong, I have trouble with that. xD
Amongst the massacre the King stands with his general, his black cape slowly waving in the breeze, with full plate armor damaged and colored dark green by the blood of his enemies, looking distantly at the waving flags of the Empire’s Alliance next to the bodies of his people.
Bit of a run-on here. Find a period.
: I know your grace, but now, finally our lands will be safe.
G: Yes my King.
Comma when you're addressing someone (after "know" and "Yes"), Your Grace should be capitalized. Comma after finally.
As the king walked listlessly towards his tent on the hill, he could not stop but to think of all the people he lost. Was it worth it, will their lands finally be safe from the reckless bloodthirsty “name”.
"He could not stop but to think" sounds a little awkward... maybe you mean "He could not help but to stop and think"? "Was it worth it" should be its own question, there should be a comma after "reckless", and a question mark at the end.
As for general not-grammar critique, I think you should change it to dialogue, rather than script. Script is only used for plays so it seems kind of lazy to use it in a normal story.
And this is a very, very short chapter. Unless your story is meant to be artistically short (like 100 Word Challenge, or a snippet story), I would recommend at least 2-3 OpenOffice/Word pages per chapter (if you're not writing this in one of those then you should be). If you're having trouble writing that much, try describing the scene more, or using dialogue or thoughts to develop your characters.
Also, writing in dialogue will expand your story naturally. You shouldn't just do back-and-forth, like dedicate a line or two to non-dialogue (a character doing an action or stopping to think about something or whatnot) to give the readers a break, and add an extra line to the story too.
Finally, it seems a bit generic, but the writing is pretty good, especially if this is your first story. (I've seen way, way, WAY worse, trust me. You're doing very well.) However even in a fairly standard "fantasy world depicting two nations fighting each other possibly with mythical creatures thrown in" scenario, good character development/worldbuilding and writing can easily get you past the fact that it's been done before. Just make sure you give it your own original touch and it'll turn out to be a great story.
You should check out Fictionpress (or FanFiction if this is a story that actually takes place in the D&D world, and is not just inspired by it). You can get a lot more critique and followers there. xD
Well you're writing a story, which means I have a valid excuse to be a grammar Nazi. xD
Comma after "name", and the "last cries" seems like a bit odd wording.
This should either be "painting", or there needs to be a period or semicolon after "ground". Also I think it's "lay" but I might be wrong, I have trouble with that. xD
Bit of a run-on here. Find a period.
Comma when you're addressing someone (after "know" and "Yes"), Your Grace should be capitalized. Comma after finally.
"He could not stop but to think" sounds a little awkward... maybe you mean "He could not help but to stop and think"? "Was it worth it" should be its own question, there should be a comma after "reckless", and a question mark at the end.
As for general not-grammar critique, I think you should change it to dialogue, rather than script. Script is only used for plays so it seems kind of lazy to use it in a normal story.
And this is a very, very short chapter. Unless your story is meant to be artistically short (like 100 Word Challenge, or a snippet story), I would recommend at least 2-3 OpenOffice/Word pages per chapter (if you're not writing this in one of those then you should be). If you're having trouble writing that much, try describing the scene more, or using dialogue or thoughts to develop your characters.
Also, writing in dialogue will expand your story naturally. You shouldn't just do back-and-forth, like dedicate a line or two to non-dialogue (a character doing an action or stopping to think about something or whatnot) to give the readers a break, and add an extra line to the story too.
Finally, it seems a bit generic, but the writing is pretty good, especially if this is your first story. (I've seen way, way, WAY worse, trust me. You're doing very well.) However even in a fairly standard "fantasy world depicting two nations fighting each other possibly with mythical creatures thrown in" scenario, good character development/worldbuilding and writing can easily get you past the fact that it's been done before. Just make sure you give it your own original touch and it'll turn out to be a great story.
You should check out Fictionpress (or FanFiction if this is a story that actually takes place in the D&D world, and is not just inspired by it). You can get a lot more critique and followers there. xD
Hahaha, feel free to be a grammar nazi xD I would suspect there are mistakes there, I expected more to be honest
Now, this lil chapter i wrote just to see how people would like it generally, I thought maybe to put this at the pure beginning just to get things going. The 1st chapter of the book actually begins a few years before this event. And as for the story fantasy line, well lets just say it should be out of the ordinary.
And thanks for the sites, I will check them out I had a few suggested already, but never enough
Hi there, I always liked making D&D story lines etc. So i wanted to actually write one of my stories. This is the intro to the story, then chapter 1 starts from the past of the current event, and follows up to the event, and continues onward. Feedback appriciated
Edit: the "name" is just a place holder, I am working on a few names still didn't manage to get the right one
Chapter Unknown - Intro
The night was cold, a freezing breeze slowly blowing from the mountain pass. As the blood sun rose over the misty valley of “name” distant echoes of last cries were heard throughout the valley. Thousands of dead soldiers laid on the ground, their blood painted the snow scarlet. Amongst the massacre the King stands with his general, his black cape slowly waving in the breeze, with full plate armor damaged and colored dark green by the blood of his enemies, looking distantly at the waving flags of the Empire’s Alliance next to the bodies of his people.
K: This was a hell of a price to pay.
G: I know your grace, but now, finally our lands will be safe. These savages have been nothing but a threat since the mountains collapsed and the pass was opened.
K: That is true. These people are heroes, every single one of them. They deserved better, not to be slaughtered here at the end of the world, for a kingdom that’s half a world away. See to the wounded, we return home as victors.
G: Yes my King.
As the king walked listlessly towards his tent on the hill, he could not stop but to think of all the people he lost. Was it worth it, will their lands finally be safe from the reckless bloodthirsty “name”. Time will tell.
I am a huge fantasy book nerd, and this look's quite promising, from that very first paragraph I got hooked, so I suggest that you keep on writing!
"The only way to do great work is to love what you do" - Steve Jobs
Well i certainty did not expect this kind of response to be honest. I know there are grammatical errors etc. English is not my main language, and No need to take your money xD If I ever decide to rly write this, I will probably post it online whenever i finish a chapter
Im in the middle of writing a fantasy novel as well, maybe we could share ideas and our stories could intertwine?
"The only way to do great work is to love what you do" - Steve Jobs
This Looks great! I am not a big book fan but this, well lets just say, I would pay for it....
I doubt that I can pull off anything like that, and i don't even know if i'll have the time to write it =/
Ok, no problem. Just keep on writing out your story!
"The only way to do great work is to love what you do" - Steve Jobs
Thanks, I'll try
So yeah i started working on a map for this story. Feedback on that also appreciated [/b]
The map looks great! But you should really get rid of that giant copy right stamp.
"The only way to do great work is to love what you do" - Steve Jobs
Everything looks great so far keep up the good work!
That copyright wont be there when its done
Well you're writing a story, which means I have a valid excuse to be a grammar Nazi. xD
Comma after "name", and the "last cries" seems like a bit odd wording.
This should either be "painting", or there needs to be a period or semicolon after "ground". Also I think it's "lay" but I might be wrong, I have trouble with that. xD
Bit of a run-on here. Find a period.
Comma when you're addressing someone (after "know" and "Yes"), Your Grace should be capitalized. Comma after finally.
"He could not stop but to think" sounds a little awkward... maybe you mean "He could not help but to stop and think"? "Was it worth it" should be its own question, there should be a comma after "reckless", and a question mark at the end.
As for general not-grammar critique, I think you should change it to dialogue, rather than script. Script is only used for plays so it seems kind of lazy to use it in a normal story.
And this is a very, very short chapter. Unless your story is meant to be artistically short (like 100 Word Challenge, or a snippet story), I would recommend at least 2-3 OpenOffice/Word pages per chapter (if you're not writing this in one of those then you should be). If you're having trouble writing that much, try describing the scene more, or using dialogue or thoughts to develop your characters.
Also, writing in dialogue will expand your story naturally. You shouldn't just do back-and-forth, like dedicate a line or two to non-dialogue (a character doing an action or stopping to think about something or whatnot) to give the readers a break, and add an extra line to the story too.
Finally, it seems a bit generic, but the writing is pretty good, especially if this is your first story. (I've seen way, way, WAY worse, trust me. You're doing very well.) However even in a fairly standard "fantasy world depicting two nations fighting each other possibly with mythical creatures thrown in" scenario, good character development/worldbuilding and writing can easily get you past the fact that it's been done before. Just make sure you give it your own original touch and it'll turn out to be a great story.
You should check out Fictionpress (or FanFiction if this is a story that actually takes place in the D&D world, and is not just inspired by it). You can get a lot more critique and followers there. xD
Hahaha, feel free to be a grammar nazi xD I would suspect there are mistakes there, I expected more to be honest
Now, this lil chapter i wrote just to see how people would like it generally, I thought maybe to put this at the pure beginning just to get things going. The 1st chapter of the book actually begins a few years before this event. And as for the story fantasy line, well lets just say it should be out of the ordinary.
And thanks for the sites, I will check them out I had a few suggested already, but never enough
Sweet, and by the way would you like to see what I have written?
"The only way to do great work is to love what you do" - Steve Jobs
Never hurts to see
Photoshop
Sweet Il PM it to you then.
"The only way to do great work is to love what you do" - Steve Jobs