Hello everyone. I have seen and read many good fan fiction here, and I decided to make my own. Any constructive criticism is welcome, thanks. Ill be uploading parts of the story as I finish them.
Prologue The dark, gloomy building loomed over the city. It was one of the most notable monuments throughout the land. It had taken years to complete, and had lasted for over a decade. Its fortified walls were mostly made out of a dark, glossy material that seemed to darken its surroundings. Obsidian, is what they call it. The building inside is a beauty. Its clothed floor and golden chandeliers make it one of the best palces to host formal events. But, that is not what it was built for. This building is home to the labs of Equinox Fabrications, the leading scientific corporation at the moment. Its brilliant scientists have discovered almost every crafting recipe ever known to men. The labs themselves have only been seen by few eyes, as only the brightest, and most cunning, are allowed to experiment in them. Never has a regular person seen these shining halls of mechanisms, until one terrible day. A regular day at work had been stopped as a group of uniformed people passed through the laboratories, escorting a lone figure with a knapsack over its head. Scientists were confused. That day, something happened that had never happened before, the Equinox Fabrications staff had stopped working. The stranger was lead through twisting passageways, gaping at the things he saw through the holes in the fabric of his knapsack. Finally, he was stopped. He was tied to a chair and had his sack removed. The darkned roomed contained only one more inhabitant apart from himself. It was a man, decades older than him. His buisness suit and airy behavior served as a proof that he was the groups leader.
"Where am I?!" The stranger demanded, "Why was I kidnaped here?"
The man looked at the stranger with a look of disdain.
"I am Mr. Davis. You shall refer to me as Mr. Davis everytime." The man, Mr. Davis, said, "The reason of the kidnapping is that we knew you wouldnt come if we asked, Mr-"
"Baloin" the stranger said, through clenched teeth.
"Mr. Baloin, we believe you contain information about this." Mr. Davis said.
He produced a manilla folder from his suit. In the front, one could clearly see the TOP SECRET stamp. Beneath it was only one single word written in ink; Obsidian.
Chapter 1: The Dark Room.
Many people ,of which I have met, find it weird that I cant remeber my real name. Others find it amusing. I believe it started with a J, but that is not the point. This is not a story about my name or previous life, but about the fateful day my duties changed. I was a young explorer, always seeking the thrill of discovering new lands. I would be happy ot be sent out of my village, even if I only needed to bring materials. It was this task in which I was working on that day. The village had run out of coal, so I volunteered to bring some. I had found a substantially big vein and was merrily mining it. I was so distracted by the task at hand taht I didnt hear the hiss. I only saw a flash of green and then fell to the ground, dead. I my soul being dragged away from my body as I was respawning.
Oh well, I thought, atleast ill respawn close to the village.
I was wrong. The room in which I now found myself was nothing like the small cabins near the spawning point. It had walls made of some weird, purplish material that I couldn't identify. I rose from my knees and looked around. There were no doors or windows anywhere. I was about to panic when I saw a sign. It was placed in the middle of the room.
"How have I not seen this before" I thought, as I walked towards it.
In it, there was only one message; CREATE. Naturally, I felt very confused about this. I walked around the room, and, When I turned around to take another look at the sign, a crafting table was there. I looked around.
"Hello?"I called to the walls,"Anyone here?"
I aproaced the crafting table, and was shocked to see a chest now lying beside it. I opened it, and found that it was entirely filled with that black material. As I closed the chest I noticed the sign had changed too. It now had the word ARMOUR bellow CREATE.
"But thats impossible!" I cried out, "There are only four types of armour, and none of them includes these rock things!"
The sign changed again. THER IS ONE MORE was written instead. Confused and scared, I did what the sign told me. I placed the blocks in their corresponding shapes and was relieved when they didnt make anything. i looked around.
"See? I told you, whoever you are, that these things couldnt make armour!" I said.
WAIT, the sign told me. The room was illuminated wit ha blinding flash of light, and I swear I could see numbers throught the whiteness. I felt irritated as nobody wants to be a prisioner of a changing sign. I stared at the crafting table, and my chin dropped. In the result square stood a purple chestplate. I couldnt believe my eyes. I tried making a complete set of armour and it worked too!
"Ok?! What now?" I asked, shakingly.
THE ONE WITH THE SUIT SHALL OPEN THE DOORS, the sign spelled out. Shivering, I understood the message, I had to put on the suit.
I find some lack of originality in the giant structure of obsidian, however the purpose you gave it is very enticing. The names you have given the characters are also impressive; they sound real. Some speech seems incorrect like, "Why have I been kidnapped here?" but that's completely understandable.
My conclusion: Great Exposition, the setting and characters have been introduced splendidly! However, I hope you can follow up on such an introduction; it's important to avoid the obvious and expected.
Prologue
The dark, gloomy building loomed over the city. It was one of the most notable monuments throughout the land. It had taken years to complete, and had lasted for over a decade. Its fortified walls were mostly made out of a dark, glossy material that seemed to darken its surroundings. Obsidian, is what they call it. The building inside is a beauty. Its clothed floor and golden chandeliers make it one of the best palces to host formal events. But, that is not what it was built for. This building is home to the labs of Equinox Fabrications, the leading scientific corporation at the moment. Its brilliant scientists have discovered almost every crafting recipe ever known to men. The labs themselves have only been seen by few eyes, as only the brightest, and most cunning, are allowed to experiment in them. Never has a regular person seen these shining halls of mechanisms, until one terrible day. A regular day at work had been stopped as a group of uniformed people passed through the laboratories, escorting a lone figure with a knapsack over its head. Scientists were confused. That day, something happened that had never happened before, the Equinox Fabrications staff had stopped working. The stranger was lead through twisting passageways, gaping at the things he saw through the holes in the fabric of his knapsack. Finally, he was stopped. He was tied to a chair and had his sack removed. The darkned roomed contained only one more inhabitant apart from himself. It was a man, decades older than him. His buisness suit and airy behavior served as a proof that he was the groups leader.
"Where am I?!" The stranger demanded, "Why was I kidnaped here?"
The man looked at the stranger with a look of disdain.
"I am Mr. Davis. You shall refer to me as Mr. Davis everytime." The man, Mr. Davis, said, "The reason of the kidnapping is that we knew you wouldnt come if we asked, Mr-"
"Baloin" the stranger said, through clenched teeth.
"Mr. Baloin, we believe you contain information about this." Mr. Davis said.
He produced a manilla folder from his suit. In the front, one could clearly see the TOP SECRET stamp. Beneath it was only one single word written in ink; Obsidian.
Chapter 1: The Dark Room.
Many people ,of which I have met, find it weird that I cant remeber my real name. Others find it amusing. I believe it started with a J, but that is not the point. This is not a story about my name or previous life, but about the fateful day my duties changed. I was a young explorer, always seeking the thrill of discovering new lands. I would be happy ot be sent out of my village, even if I only needed to bring materials. It was this task in which I was working on that day. The village had run out of coal, so I volunteered to bring some. I had found a substantially big vein and was merrily mining it. I was so distracted by the task at hand taht I didnt hear the hiss. I only saw a flash of green and then fell to the ground, dead. I my soul being dragged away from my body as I was respawning.
Oh well, I thought, atleast ill respawn close to the village.
I was wrong. The room in which I now found myself was nothing like the small cabins near the spawning point. It had walls made of some weird, purplish material that I couldn't identify. I rose from my knees and looked around. There were no doors or windows anywhere. I was about to panic when I saw a sign. It was placed in the middle of the room.
"How have I not seen this before" I thought, as I walked towards it.
In it, there was only one message; CREATE. Naturally, I felt very confused about this. I walked around the room, and, When I turned around to take another look at the sign, a crafting table was there. I looked around.
"Hello?"I called to the walls,"Anyone here?"
I aproaced the crafting table, and was shocked to see a chest now lying beside it. I opened it, and found that it was entirely filled with that black material. As I closed the chest I noticed the sign had changed too. It now had the word ARMOUR bellow CREATE.
"But thats impossible!" I cried out, "There are only four types of armour, and none of them includes these rock things!"
The sign changed again. THER IS ONE MORE was written instead. Confused and scared, I did what the sign told me. I placed the blocks in their corresponding shapes and was relieved when they didnt make anything. i looked around.
"See? I told you, whoever you are, that these things couldnt make armour!" I said.
WAIT, the sign told me. The room was illuminated wit ha blinding flash of light, and I swear I could see numbers throught the whiteness. I felt irritated as nobody wants to be a prisioner of a changing sign. I stared at the crafting table, and my chin dropped. In the result square stood a purple chestplate. I couldnt believe my eyes. I tried making a complete set of armour and it worked too!
"Ok?! What now?" I asked, shakingly.
THE ONE WITH THE SUIT SHALL OPEN THE DOORS, the sign spelled out. Shivering, I understood the message, I had to put on the suit.
My conclusion: Great Exposition, the setting and characters have been introduced splendidly! However, I hope you can follow up on such an introduction; it's important to avoid the obvious and expected.
Vote: I find it a good story at the moment.
We're all just doing our best, to do what we think is right, in the world we believe in.