I've always wanted to write this, but I never had time and I've always been lazy. I know I don't really have a reputation on these forums, but I need some place to post my work. Enjoy!
I've been thinking of writing some sort of story for a while, but I was always too lazy to actually write it out. I've finally gotten around to writing the first chapter, but I still don't have a name. Let me know what you think c:
Chapter one: Cold Sweat
"It hurts.. so bad.."
"I know. I'm trying, just, calm down, okay? You'll be fine."
God damn it. I can't do this again. I've watched one too many scared soldiers, many of them just kids, die in my hands. But this wasn't the time to think about it. I had to keep working. I had to try. He's loosing blood fast, but I can't see from where. "I'm so cold, man..." He let out a long, rusty cough. "I can't feel my legs.." "You'll be fine. I just need to find the so-" His femoral artery was severed. I don't even have any transfusion packs to give him. I don't even have any painkillers to ease him. "I'm going to die, won't I?" I looked him directly in the eyes. I could see death in them. He deserved far more than this- bleeding to death in a dirt crater, under fire. He atleast deserved the truth. But I lied to him. "You won't. you'll be fine." He let out another long cough. this one, accompanied by blood. "Medics are trained to lie well, I heard. I guess you must've missed that course." His eyes were slowly rolling to the back of his head. No, no not now. Not again. I can't watch another one die. "I won't let you die here. I won't." Despite his atrocious condition, he managed one last breath and used it on one final sentence: "Your too late for that." And with a bloody grin on his face, he died. But there are worse things to worry about then a body now. There was a strange whining noise, and the hum of engines in the distance.. something was coming..
I woke up in cold sweat. The low pitched whine of the Ariska's engines brought me out of my dream. Sitting up in my bed inside the tiny cabin, I rubbed my eyes deeply. I keep getting those dreams about the war. Whatever I do, they don't go away. Hopefully, this buisness trip will take my mind off it. I get up, and wash my face in the tiny sink by the door. I pull on a fresh pair of clothes- Some casual things. My buisness meeting isn't until tommorow, So I have a day to fool around Jaltak. But then again, Who wants to be walking around Jaltak anyway? The little holographic display mounted in the wall of my cabin displays the information first in Altarian, Which looks it took the alphabet and turned it backwards, and then in english. It was about 8:00 AM in Altaria, Sunrise. The ship was in final docking procedures, and would land in about five minutes. All passengers were to report to the Entry bays for final de-boarding. Since I still had some time, I packed my things and started walking toward the viewing decks. Usually, the long, steel hallways are packed with travellers. However, today, there is only the sound of my footsteps and the maids of the ship preparing rooms for the next round of travelers. Even the Atrium, which is usually packed with people going to and fro, is empty, except for a few scarce souls walking to the Entry bay. Walking up the rightmost stairway to the third floor of the ship, I push open the glass doors to the Carpeted and window-surrounded viewing deck. Normally, the windows would be full of beautiful stars and the empty blackness of space. Today, It's filled with the warmth of the Altarian rising sun and the view of Jaltak's ever stretching skyline. It seems that each time i'm here, the Buildings grow taller. Or maybe the ships are getting smaller. The whine of the ships engines become ever lighter, and the dull thud of tethering hooks attaching to the side of the ship. A final decreasing whine sounds through the air, along with the sound of mechanical lifting. Exiting the viewing deck, and walking toward the Entry bays, I brace myslef for the days ahead. It's going to be a long, hard two weeks in this hostile world.
It's good grammar and interesting, yet it feels a bit cliche. Also You should rewrite the sentence "I'm going to die, won't I?" as the choice of words SEEMS incorrect aren't I might be a better fit.
Thanks, I'll work on that for Draft number 3. I do admit the story is quite cliche, I need to polish off it's originality. Change why he has trauma, etc.
I've been thinking of writing some sort of story for a while, but I was always too lazy to actually write it out. I've finally gotten around to writing the first chapter, but I still don't have a name. Let me know what you think c:
Chapter one: Cold Sweat
"It hurts.. so bad.."
"I know. I'm trying, just, calm down, okay? You'll be fine."
God damn it. I can't do this again. I've watched one too many scared soldiers, many of them just kids, die in my hands. But this wasn't the time to think about it. I had to keep working. I had to try. He's loosing blood fast, but I can't see from where. "I'm so cold, man..." He let out a long, rusty cough. "I can't feel my legs.." "You'll be fine. I just need to find the so-" His femoral artery was severed. I don't even have any transfusion packs to give him. I don't even have any painkillers to ease him. "I'm going to die, won't I?" I looked him directly in the eyes. I could see death in them. He deserved far more than this- bleeding to death in a dirt crater, under fire. He atleast deserved the truth. But I lied to him. "You won't. you'll be fine." He let out another long cough. this one, accompanied by blood. "Medics are trained to lie well, I heard. I guess you must've missed that course." His eyes were slowly rolling to the back of his head. No, no not now. Not again. I can't watch another one die. "I won't let you die here. I won't." Despite his atrocious condition, he managed one last breath and used it on one final sentence: "Your too late for that." And with a bloody grin on his face, he died. But there are worse things to worry about then a body now. There was a strange whining noise, and the hum of engines in the distance.. something was coming..
I woke up in cold sweat. The low pitched whine of the Ariska's engines brought me out of my dream. Sitting up in my bed inside the tiny cabin, I rubbed my eyes deeply. I keep getting those dreams about the war. Whatever I do, they don't go away. Hopefully, this buisness trip will take my mind off it. I get up, and wash my face in the tiny sink by the door. I pull on a fresh pair of clothes- Some casual things. My buisness meeting isn't until tommorow, So I have a day to fool around Jaltak. But then again, Who wants to be walking around Jaltak anyway? The little holographic display mounted in the wall of my cabin displays the information first in Altarian, Which looks it took the alphabet and turned it backwards, and then in english. It was about 8:00 AM in Altaria, Sunrise. The ship was in final docking procedures, and would land in about five minutes. All passengers were to report to the Entry bays for final de-boarding. Since I still had some time, I packed my things and started walking toward the viewing decks. Usually, the long, steel hallways are packed with travellers. However, today, there is only the sound of my footsteps and the maids of the ship preparing rooms for the next round of travelers. Even the Atrium, which is usually packed with people going to and fro, is empty, except for a few scarce souls walking to the Entry bay. Walking up the rightmost stairway to the third floor of the ship, I push open the glass doors to the Carpeted and window-surrounded viewing deck. Normally, the windows would be full of beautiful stars and the empty blackness of space. Today, It's filled with the warmth of the Altarian rising sun and the view of Jaltak's ever stretching skyline. It seems that each time i'm here, the Buildings grow taller. Or maybe the ships are getting smaller. The whine of the ships engines become ever lighter, and the dull thud of tethering hooks attaching to the side of the ship. A final decreasing whine sounds through the air, along with the sound of mechanical lifting. Exiting the viewing deck, and walking toward the Entry bays, I brace myslef for the days ahead. It's going to be a long, hard two weeks in this hostile world.
(This is final draft 2 of chapter 1)
Thanks, I'll work on that for Draft number 3. I do admit the story is quite cliche, I need to polish off it's originality. Change why he has trauma, etc.